Nobody really wants to call themselves depressed. Why? Because it's so... depressing. Haha. It's not very rock and roll. One is not depressed. One is tormented. Demented. Cemented. Okay, so not the last one. But as you may or may know, sevvy is depressed. I am bipolar, and I am not trying to dress up my mental illness. I just mean, you know, that life has broken me... and I am sad about it. :( LOL

I have undergone medication with I can say major success as I seldom try to hurt myself or kill myself anymore. But these days when depression comes in (and it always does), I am more aware of the things I have let go, consciously because I am doing some misled self-preservation ... and I just... I don't want to preserve myself because I am not an overripe apple. God.

So I spoke to my physician and I am going on a different prescription. This one is higher on dose, and higher on side effects and honestly, I am scared. Haha. I am always scared of these drugs... which is funny because I am always open with recreational drugs... Well, nevermind. But tonight I am planning to take my first dose, and I am afraid that I will change into some strange creature who doesn't know how to write.

I mean, I don't write much these days, and one of the reasons I have been pursuing being normal again is because I want to reclaim my words... I want to feel free when I express myself again. But I don't know. All my favourite authors either killed themselves or went to social isolation, and this is why, I feel their writing is so powerful, and I wonder a bit, if I am losing the chance to be great for peace of mind.

But then I realize, lol, that I am not great, and really being insane, tormented, and demented is not all that cool. I just... I want peace of mind. I want a quiet where I can create again. I always felt like being creative was the only place I am free, and that place being corrupted by my emotions torments me even more.

So I am taking medication tonight and hopefully power through the side effects. I am concerned. I hope I don't sleep all day. That would be counter-productive. :/