I've been kinda lonely recently.

My sister goes to school on the opposite side of the country as me and my two best friends live near her, and I don't have any very close friends near me.

And the other thing that's been on my mind, especially since prom is coming up and all my friends are pairing off, is how I seem doomed to being perpetually single. I know I'm not the prettiest girl around, but I think my personally is decent and I have a good body and a decent sense of style and stuff, so I don't understand why, as far as I'm aware, I have never had a guy crush on me in my life.

I guess part of it is because I'm a fiercely independent person and I only let people know I like, love and/or need them once we're extremely close. I definitely have a different face to people I don't know well and people I do, which is in large part because I have this stupid urge to appear as invulnerable and stoic as I can be all the time in public, though I can't be either totally. I admit I don't have the best social skills but I didn't realize that could be such a huge barrier, if that is indeed what's stopping me from making friends.

The other thing is that I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. All the cheesy crap I write about in my fanfics- bouquets of flowers and candlelight dinners and random hugs- those are things I dream of myself. And I know God has a guy for me and I'll find him eventually, but until then, I wonder if my writing hurts me more than it's worth, because it reminds me of my singleness, and how the few things I would never want to change about myself never seem to match anyone else.

I know I have no right to be lonely, but I am not mature enough to help it.

I don't lack self-confidence (I know I'm incredibly flawed but I still think I'm pretty cool), and yet, I don't seem to have the kind of self-confidence that a lot of people do; I have an irrational fear of showing my silly side and my flawed, vulnerable one- the things that make me human. I guess part of what draws people together is seeing beauty in each other's flaws and seeing how their quirks and shortcomings complement each other, but I never allow myself to show those things, which results in me being silent a lot of the time I'm in large groups of people.

I'm not really sure how to get out of this rut, or what I should do.
I guess I'll just push through it.