Note: I'm posting what I wrote earlier today, around 2am KST when I'm still at school settling my assignment with my group member that needed to be submitted this friday plus my final project screening is on this weekend. I think this post worth to post. I think you'll get the reason when you read further on what I've wrote.

I believe I am getting calmer. But I believe as I write this, my tears gonna fall again. It was just few hours ago when the news break out. It hurts. It suffocating and man... I've been through this but hell it still hurts.

First time going through this kind of heartache was when Wu Zun decide to leave Fahrenheit. I cry myself to sleep, I got irritated and I get into an argument when my friend said "It just idols. You are so foolish." 

I bet you'll be hurt when you heard that... Especially from your friends that know you put them as people who are important in your life. It took me more than 4 years to listen back to their songs. Be it solo or group. I don't know... Listen to their voice feel so hurtful and it bring you more pain than it suppose to, especially when it's a sweet song. I can't listen to guardian star until now because it was a song dedicated for fans and I really love that song (which is also the reason for my ID or Authorname). It has been like 5 years yet, that song is listed as songs that I will cry every time I listen to it. 

It's not easy. It gonna hurt even after a week, a year, 10 years, and when you watch their concert, you tend to cry a sea (not a river) when watching. 

I not gonna resent or blame anyone, though I did blame cube at first.. Well... I was being irrational but what is the purpose keeping him as Solo if you want him to leave Beast? I believe all of them tried something and believe me the one going through hard time right now is Beast members themselves. All 6 of them.  All of them are hurt, I believe they are trying to coping as well.

It's not going to be easy to see them as 5 on stage and with their contract coming an end, more stuff will come out and they are going to be enlisted in military soon too. 

For the first time in 5 years, my tears dropped again with this news. My heart hurt but since I am still at school, I can't even bawl llike how I did last time. I could only went to emergency staircase, let it all out before facing the rest of my friends again. They knew yet the comment like "They aren't real." "Stop being delusional." "They are just idols" came out instead of a hug, in which I hope they would just hug me without those unnecessary problem.

There's a friend that said, "He'll be back again." hell yeah he will but to accept that they are promoting separately is what breaks me. They couldn't understand the relationship we have between fans and idol. There a screenshot I took back then about fans and Idol relationship that I think it's really relevant.

"Every fangirls or fanboys have a story that they can't tell, a wound that cannot be touch and idols are the only comfort that they can find when their family couldn't. There's a dream that yet to be fulfilled and by watching their idols, they learn and grow as well. It's not about liking them for the sake of liking but liking them so we can be just like them." 

"The distance between fans and idols. It cannot be too far apart because they cannot see or hear your cheers; it can't be too near, leave them some space and make them feel safe. That is the distance between fans and Idols."

I don't know. Today story made me think these two quotes that I saw before this. Instead of feeling betrayed, it's more about feeling disappointed and though we can see it coming it still hurts. 

I'm in the audio editing suite, making changes to the script and report before I get to filter the ambience audio and stuff as I listen to my mp3 and it shuffled to the song sang by Miley Cyrus called "I always remember you". There's a line goes, "Everyday that we had, all the good, all the bad, I'll keep them here inside. All the times that we shared every place, every where, you touched my life.

One day we'll look back, we'll smile and we'll laugh but right now we just cry because it so hard to say goodbye."

Hell that line made me cry even more. Though I wasn't sobbing anymore but tears came like waterfall and my friend even offered my own skittles and said, "Cheer up. Eat this and be hyper, don't let me hear your snorts again."

Well... That made me laugh. I couldn't say thanks but I guess, when I laughed he felt more relieved. They said I normally will be the most hyper among us. I thought all of us see it coming, but I guess when they said he is starting we can just believe them, but I'm wrong... It just the silence before the storm. 

Don't tell me stuff like they are not real or they are fake because I believe in that 7 years they are all enjoyed together and fight together not only as groupmates but also friends. So even if not now but they were real before any of these issue came in.

My tears still come out now and then and believe me I will never get over this. I can't listening "At That Place" without crying. Let's face it. Things will never be the same again. Once broken it will always broken. 

I believe the members are accepting this harder than all of us. I believe they are trying to cope as well.

My heart will always have the memories of OT6 and Beast forever will be 6 for me. I hope he will continue shining brightly on stage and let's all meet again as OT6, as Beauties in future. 

To Hyunseungie... Though he won't be seeing this, I just wanna say that... I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't say that but that all I can say for the moment. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you well. I tried but I guess it wasn't enough. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry that everything turn out this way. I'm thankful with all the memories, I'm thankful for you teaching me valuable things in life, I'm thankful that you entered my heart. I wish you luck, I wish you the best for everything and if you feel like you lost a lot of things, do remember you still have me. A person will support you every now and then. Let's be strong and get through this together. Let's show the world that what Jang HyunSeung has. 

To Beast... I know you guys probably feeling sorry. I know you guys are heartbroken as well. I know you guys trying to cope with this problem but thank you for being strong. Let's keep being stronger and be the Beast like I always know.

To Beauties... This news has become a new wound that no one could touch in our heart. In our heart, OT6 is forever and Beast always have 6 members. Let's all be strong and support all 6 of them with open heart and not separating. Let's get through this together. 

So... I won't say goodbye because I saw a lot of people saying those. I thank HyunSeung for all the memories as member of Beast and even he is not a member anymore, he always a member of Beast for me. I will continue to support OT6.