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Its Christmas eve and instead of sending happy wishes to everyone, here I am occupying a small space in the vast Internet to vent out some.
My life and that of my little girl's lies in a balance that is almost precariously falling on the downside.
I had to leave my husband's house and come to my mother's house a day before the planned journey because of an overheard phone conversation between my Mil and her daughter ( she said once I leave the next day she and her son could talk freely- like I am a hindrance. I've never ever interfered when the two talk, that sometimes goes well into the night that he wouldn't even get back to bed, preferring to sleep on his mom's bed, beside her still talking. While the most he talks to me is 10mins tops. When I confronted her she said yes she said those things and when I told my husband and he spoke to her about it she said I'm imagining it and that I'm lying. My daughter said I'm right but I don't want her to interfere in this and earn her grandmother's hatred).
I've finally had enough being treated like I don't exist, of throwing away the food that I have cleaned, cut, cooked, of my gifts meaning nothing but crappie in wrapped paper though so much thought has gone into each one of them and not receiving any coz he didn't know what to get me, of carrying heavy grocery bags when the duo walk ahead - one clutching her handbag and the other playing with the car keys, of people not being bothered if I've eaten, not bothered that I'm watching the TV finally at the end of the day but switching it off despite my presence in the room, of my being tired is ignored for just another 'help' before I get to bed because all I'm going to do anyway is 'watch some videos in a language you don't understand... in short utter crap'. I've had enough being treated less than a person more like a glorified slave - the difference being I wear better clothes, drive a vehicle, read and write, carry the title of a wife, a mother and a daughter in law. I'm honestly tired. My panic attacks have increased in number and always surface around early in the morning and the aftereffects last the whole day. I keep wondering why what I'm doing wrong because standing up to them(especially my Mil leads to her complaining to my parents about how badly they have brought me up a d I don't want them to earn a bad name because of me), my husband is ok. He is a completely different person when he is with his mom and when we are alone (but we are never alone since we all live together, the ten minutes that he is awake before bedtime is spent talking (again) about his work, nothing about my day or about nothing at all.)
So yeah I am hoping we'll be able to talk things through by this weekend but it's more than that. I need to make a decision and I'm scared.
How to choose? Do I want to continue living the way I've lived these 8yrs for the rest of my life- then I'll be doing it for daddy's little girl coz though it's just been a day my daughter stands by the window facing the road hoping her dad's car will come. I don't have the heart to do it to her.
Can I survive being an invisible? Can I bury whatever is left of my self esteem and go back? Did they think they are doing me a favour by letting me live in their house? My parents are very well off. I've always helped mom with the chores but I've always been the perfectly loved daughter and older sister. (my brother though younger dotes on me so much that even though we are 6yrs apart I feel I'm the younger one), my friends though very few love me a lot. Why is it so difficult to get the love of one old lady who means so much to her son? I'm here to coexist not separate them why can't she see that? Why is she so insecure? Why can't my husband see what's going on? Why doesn't he know what I can or cannot do we've been together for so long?
I don't want to disrupt my daughter's life - her school, her friends, her classes most of all her father, nothing will be the same. I know I'll never be forgiven if I make one wrong move.
What about me? My life?

It hurts.