unlocked

All the fics are back up again.
To anyone who was upset over this, I am sorry to have caused any emotional distress.
I reached a point where I couldn't stand my own fics. Currently, I don't like my writing, I don't enjoy writing and I'm not happy with or proud of what I have written and shared on this site. This is where I'm at, right now.
That's not to say I won't wake up one day and enjoy my writing again. It could happen. I hope it will happen. But I can't make any promises on if or when.
I still love and adore my characters, and I am a stubborn cancerian so I refuse to let go.

My writing has always been for me. I wrote for myself. What I wanted to write, not what the readers wanted to read. Yes of course it's always the readers, silent readers and subscribers who give the writer confidence and strength and motivation to write. But when my writing has always been for myself, and I grew to dislike my writing, it was all too easy and natural to take it all down. I honestly wanted to delete everything (still kinda do) but then I remembered how I feel when I discover one of my favourites has been taken down or missing for good. And I felt guilty at the possibility of making one of my readers feel that emptiness. And if any of you felt that, I truly am sorry. Which is why they are back up -- for you guys. My consolation is that I've made them subscriber locked... a very small bandaid for my self-loathing.

I didn't want to make a post about this, but the messages I received made me decide that any of the readers deserved some sort of explanation. However disappointing and vague it is.

On a last note, my unhappiness with my fics was not caused by anything. It just happened.

Comments

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didoe84 #1 Dec 6, 2015 13:26:51

I understand your feelings about your writing but maybe you shouldn't see things like this.... maybe you have too much or not enough recul on it: I mean, when you writted this it was you it was the words you choose at this time and you were different then than now... So, try to see it as a proof of your evolution on writing, a witness of what you were enjoying doing then if you ever get back at writing, it would be the basis of it, knowing which flow you should improve or those you can turn into your signature.... Please don't dislike it because it wouldn't be perfect or it wouldn't get up to your now standards because it's still what you were.... so don't dislike your old yourself but just like it for being a stone of what you are now..... (anyway I'm happy to have the possibility to read again your stories!!! so thanks!!!!)

xtlover15 #2 Dec 6, 2015 08:23:02

aww i completely understand *hugs

pinktops #3 Dec 6, 2015 05:26:12

Awww babe, I did wonder where you went but I didn't want to pry. I get it, I locked all of my fics to subs only too. It's a hard thing to keep up when you're feeling even a little bit down or uninspired. But I want you to remember that those readers enjoy your work for a reason and whilst you shouldn't force yourself to do anything you don't want to I just want to say don't give up and take some time to fall in love with writing again. Try not to fall too deeply into that self-loathing because it's such a pointless cycle of nothingness and sadness. Get productive, try new styles and things you're not at all comfortable with, maybe the breath of fresh air might help. ♥

TOPcorn #4 Dec 6, 2015 03:25:53

Ohhhh man I get those feels so hard.
Completely understand.
I hope you get your vibe back for your sake more than anybody else's.
*big hugs*
Xo