Okay, one of my emotional, stupid and ually confusing posts coming up.

This is something that has been bothering me since last year and I've honestly wanted to talk about it for a long time already but it's only now that I've plucked up the courage to post about this despite the storm of hatred and rage that is already on my way. If you ask me why, it's simly because writing has always been my outlet of frustration. I guess it's my way of organizing my thoughts because it makes me feel better when I jot down the things that keep tugging my mind.

Now, here's the deal. It's about Taeyeon. If any of you read my Holler review/reaction/something, you would know that I found her absolutely gorgeous last year but what really took me off guard was how much more I find myself falling for her with their new comeback. She is the star of Lion Heart. So bright and beautiful and talented. I literally watch their live performances just to get to see her looking and sounding like an angel.

Seriously would you look at that? I might just fall in love right now.

But then again, I won't. Because whenever I almost do, something happens that messes it up. In spring 2014, this happened for the first time. Her charms got me and I started fangirling over her. And then... her and Baekhyun. Now, I know that a lot of you are going to be pissed about me saying this, but I don't like them together. This isn't me being jealous (really, it's not) although that's what most people usually "accuse" me of, and this isn't about me liking Baekhyun too much either. Don't get me wrong, he's funny, fairly attractive and ridiculously talented, but I'm very much Jongin biased (ask anyone). It's just that something about the two of them together makes me cringe. In the bad way.

I've been trying to put a finger what this something is for quite some time but it really isn't getting me anywhere. Is it the lovestagram show they put out for us? I saw that oreo post before the news broke out and yes, I felt betrayed and frustrated. But for what reason? I don't want to think of myself as such a petty person who would hold a grudge over something trivial like that. Childish and disrespectful, yes, but at the end of the day, trivial.

Keep in mind that whatever I way feel about their relationship is one thing and how I will act upon it is another. I won't go around bashing them or hoping for their breakup. Even though whenever someone mentions the item that they are and I get that usual icky feeling, I won't spread it any further than this one blog post. And if a miracle happens that in the cruel industry that is kpop, the two somehow end up becoming a couple for good and get married and have kids, then yes, I will congratulate them but even then it might be hard for me to be sincere about it. I don't know my reasons and you're welcome to enlighten me as to what it might possible be that keeps me from seeing them as a suitable pair.

Now, moving on from the Baekhyun case, here's the next time that falling in love with Taeyeon became a problem for me. It was right after Holler promotions. When I saw the video back then, it was already a time when I felt uneasy about something but I brushed it off completely. Until it actually happened. Jessica. All Sones know about this already but the relationship between Jessica and Taeyeon wasn't good. Something had been (has been?) wrong between them since 2011 and Jessica's leave just opened up those wounds or whatever all over again. There are so many videos that I've seen about Taeyeon completely ignoring Jessica or showing a bad reaction to whatever she might have said. Yes, this probably went both ways but at the end of the day, Jessica was the one to get kicked out while Taeyeon is still the leader of the group.

This led to me unfairly thinking that Taeyeon had something to do with the situation. I know that's really not a fair jugdment on my part but I can't choose how I feel. Trust me, if I could, there would be no reason for this post to exist. So it was the same tragedy all over again and the worst part is still coming.

I know you might have long forgotten by now but the title of this post is "I'm a bad fan" and the simple reason to that is that no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to just sincerely and fully like Taeyeon because I'm already waiting for another disaster to blow up. It's not fair nor right of me to think this way and that's why I feel guilty. I don't actually know anything about her, yet still I find myself expecting the worst of her and react badly to whatever little things she might mess up. Honestly, rationally thinking all the stuff that I talked about before isn't really all that bad. Or bad at all. I don't know what happened with Jessica and dating isn't something that a person should be critiziced for, no matter how childishly they've handled their relationship. I'm a bad fan because I keep doubting and criticizing a person that I claim to be a fan of.

Some of you probably think that I'm making a big deal out of nothing but for someone as emotional as me, this is enough to keep me awake at night so please try to understand. Anyways, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this. I already feel slightly better. I would appreciate your input, be it in any form or shape of words, pictures etc. or even just a simple insult towards the insensitive me.

I really need to go to sleep now. Good night! ^^