"Don’t fall for nice guys
They will rip your heart out and say they need it to survive
They will inhale your lungs and tell you that it’ll help you breathe
They will tell you it’s all your fault and you will believe them because they are nice
Don’t forget that
They are nice and kind and they will sleep with your friend behind your back
They are nice and they are kind and they will slap you in the face with their words and an open hand
They are nice and they are kind and they will bury you in the ground as you tell them you love them. "

- Lily Rain

At first...

At first, it wasn't like that, I swear. On the first glance, it was never "Oh, he's so cute!" Or "Oh! He's so handsome!" It was never like that, believe me. 

At first it was just...interest. "What's your favorite color?" Or "What are your favorite foods?" Without knowing, I wanted to know more about you, not because you were good looking or cool, because you managed to catch my eye. For some odd reason, you managed to make my heart skip a beat when I heard your laughter on the back of the seat, but I didn't bother turning around to see. You managed to send little tingles in my fingers just by asking to pass you a paper, or saying "Excuse me." 

You were so pure, and lovable. In my eyes, I wanted to get to know you. I wanted to know your likes and dislikes, what your views are or what not. I wanted to get you know you. 

I didn't know. Really, I didn't know how much I actually liked you until two years later. 

I didn't realize that everytime someone brought up your name in a conversation, my ears would perk up and I would listen to every word about you. I didn't realize that I would ask casual questions about you to my friends, asking and pondering.

I didn't realize how hard I must've fell, for it to be just another silly crush.

The first year, we didn't really speak. You acknowledged me, and that was that.

The second year, I was happy to see you again, I asked you "How was your break?" But I was stupid to even do so, you just replied with "Good." 

Your best friend had a crush on me that year. He would linger behind me like a little puppy, when in reality, I wished it was you. 

The third year was when I realized how much I liked you. I told my girlfriends first. You and I began to talk more and became somewhat friends. In a crowd of people, I would search for you. In class, I would listen to you converse with your friends. Sometimes, I would catch myself frowning when I saw you with your female friends. 

In the third year, I remember calling your name.

But you didn't turn around.

Not once.

The fourth year, I said "Okay." I never plan on confessing to you, I just wanted to see you silently each day, that was all. But my friends saw right through me. They saw the way I looked at you, or the way I would stutter when you came around. They knew I was already in too deep to be pulled out. 

Girls would confess to you, one after one. Why were you so popular? Girls would give you candy, letters, and baked goods. Why would you brush it away like it was nothing?

Would you do the same if it was me?

I would have such realitstic dreams about you. Your laugh, your voice, your touch. It was real. I felt it.

During the fourth year, we became so much closer. You weren't a somewhat friend anymore, you were a good friend. We laughed and had our inside jokes.

I remember sitting by you in class. Right beside you, being your seat partner was a wish come true.

I would mutter words under my breath, and from the corner of my eye, I would catch you looking at me.

"What are you smiling at?" I would ask.

"You." He would answer.

Selfish Bastard, why did you give me such hope?

But during the fourth year, I came to realize, you weren't so pure as I thought you to be. 

No, you were much much worse...

....You were a nice guy....

And it was my fault, I knew it. But I couldn't stop myself from falling even harder. You were a nice guy. I remember my friends telling me over and over. You were a nice guy. No matter how many times anyone told me and I tried to deny it. You were a nice guy.

Don't fall for nice guys....

And every morning, I'd shake my head. "No, I will get over him. He's a selfish jerk." 

But then I'd see you in class again, and my heart would melt all over.

My friends did everything to help me stop thinking of you. They warned me over and over. They did all they could. Why? They saw the pain in my eyes. They saw the hurt that cracked in my voice when I would say "I'm fine." They saw the envy whenever I looked at her.

Ah....Her.

How could I forget to mention, her?

At that time, she had what I really wanted.

She had your heart. She owned your smiles. She stole your laughter. She caught your gaze.

She was sweet, beautiful, and drop dead gorgeous.

How dare I compete with her?

How dare I even think that I'm enough for you?

During the fourth year, you liked her. You liked her a lot. No matter how many times you tried to deny it, I saw the way your eyes would light up when she was there. I felt the way you would tense up when other girls brought her up.

You liked her, everyone knew that. Sure, I thought it couldn't get any worse.

Oh, love, how I was dead wrong.

The day she admitted that she liked you back? 

I think I heard it crack.

Finally.....you managed to crack it. 

But it was a bit, just a bit.

But I'm okay. I was okay. As long if I can just see you, then I'm okay.

My friends didn't agree.

The year was coming to an end, and I remember slowly savoring the moments I was able to spend with you. 

You grabbed my wrist twice.

You caressed my head three times.

You touched my cheek once.

You rested your arm on my chair twice.

You signed my yearbook.

You pushed the kid who threw my stuff on the ground.

We would fool around silently.

We took selfies together.

You held my hand when we did our handshake. Why did you let it linger a few seconds longer?

Why did you look at me like that? All throughout the year, what was that look in your eyes?

Why....Why did you look at me, the way I looked at you...? 

Please.....Why did you give me such hope?

When the year came to an end, I heard it crack again.

I haven't seen you in two months. I won't see you again. I'm going my seperate way, as so are you. My friends urged me to tell you. "You won't be able to see him again." They told me. But that doesn't change the fact that you live around me. That doesn't change the fact that we might bump into each other in the future.

So after two months of pondering, I did it. I finally did it.

I told you. 

I told you.

I told you.

It wasn't a confession, I just wanted to get over you so badly, I wanted to stop thinking about you. I wanted it to stop. 

So I thought, I'd feel refreshed after I told you. I'd feel better.

I told you I liked you for four years, I told you it wasn't for your looks and It wasn't a crush. I liked you, a lot. I didn't pour it all out, I didn't leave it detailed but I told you the truth.

I told you...

I remember one thing you said....

"I never knew...."

Right, Dirty Liar...

It cracked again.

Stop.

Please.

I did this to myself.

I knew you were this type of person.

You wouldn't care.

And I thought I'd feel better?

But why do I feel worse?

Yes, love, please. I wish to see you again in the future. I do, really.

So then I can finally stare into those eyes I once adored and say,

"I feel nothing."

....Absolutely, nothing.....