I'm not really sure where I should start with this one. I think I should start from the VERY beginning. I just searched my entire blog looking to see if I even mentioned this, but alas, I haven't talked about it and if I did overlook it, I am sure yall forgot and I should go over it again.

Warning, it should be long and kind of confusing. 

So.... Oh god I dont know if I can handle typing this out without ing fainting.

So like...

I guess I'll just use his name since only 3 of you have me on FB, and those 3, DONT TRY ANYTHING OR I WILL EAT YOU!! 

So, Dustin and I grew up together. He literally lives like 13 steps away from me. We went to Kindergarten together all the way up to high school. So... age 5 to current year of 21.

During our childhood, I always had a crush on him. It wasn't a major like gah gah thing. It was like... I fell in love with my best friend type of thing. I would swear I would never tell him that.

Back then, he use to be a real jackass. 

He constantly use to pick on me and make me feel like utter , but had no problem picking me back up off my feet..... only to throw me back to the ground, to pick me back up again.

We always had that love hate relationship. Always. It was the type where you would constantly bicker at each other during school, but when you were alone together, everything was calm and you really got to know the type of person he was. 

I honestly like both sides. 

We had a lot of inside jokes and he would constantly use my weaknesses to piss me off.

Why I liked that is beyond me.

But it seemed that everyone knew how we felt about each other.

High school came around and we didn't really hang around as much. Only after we both got out of 8th hour (which is practically like a detention/studyhall for those whose grades are poor) we would walk home together or sometimes walk to school together. That was about it.

Sophomore year is when the teenage hormones started to kick in and I was utterly confused on where I stood with him. All I could think about was, "I wish he would realize how much of a confusing he is being". He started being colder than ever. He would pick on me so much. I began to feel like I did something wrong and that he enjoyed making me feel miserable.

He eventually met this older kid in school who was a grade higher than us and hung out with him more which fueled the picking because then Sam because to pick on me. That pissed me off because I thought Dustin would tell him to stop, but it didnt.

Long story short, the more I fought with Sam, the more Sam began to develope feelings. I rejected him and told him maybe next year if he grows up.

End of the year quickly approaches and you, Dustin, and a really good old friend "Z" were hanging out at her "Z's" house. We were all having a good time, but you could feel tention in the air. It wasn't an awkward tension, but you could feel something.

Later, we walked home together. Why? cuz duh, he lives across from me.

We were joking around a bit and laughing and playfully fighting with each other as we walked. I waved him goodbye and went inside. It seemed like 5 minutes later, my phone received a text.

"What would you do if I kissed you?".

I think my soul left my body right then. I was freaked out, but played it off as "I dont know. Probably nothing. Why?"

"I wanna try."

I should have ing bolted and ran away and fained and drowned in the murky mutated waters of our canal by the park, but I found myself texting back "Okay" and walking to his house. There was awkward tension between us and I found myself standing in front of the 6 foot giant behind my neighbors house, enterance of an alley, but technically the side of his house.

And then he leans down and pecks me and I take off running like a ing lunatic because I was so embarassed and shy and I didnt know how to cooperate. I got back home and I paced and paced around my room. I had to call my best friend and spazz out to her. No help there.

Text came in

"It was so quick..... I think we should try again".

I tied a ballooon around my soul and let it go because it officially said bye to my body. I'm not sure what happened after that, but I didn't leave the house. I think I told him "Perhaps another time". 

During that summer, I tried to talk to him via text. Butterflies in my stomach that made me feel so sick. But it was sick because he ignored me.... the entire summer.... and tried to tell me he didnt get any messages.

I felt so lost at that moment. So I tried to forget about him..... even though that was impossible because I couldn't stop talking to him since he IS my best friend.

Junior year came around and it was still a little awkward between us two, but gradually we both pretended that nothing happened and went on like I normally did.

And it was to my bad luck that you got placed with Dustin in your Biology class...... along with Sam. The teasing from Sam was non stop and Dustin fueled it. So I decided to play along with it.

Sam would constantly pull my hair, throw papers at me, bump into my desk, pick on me, call me names. Tried so hard to get my god damn attention. So what do I do? I fight fire with fire and I thanked god that my teacher hated Sam because when I did lash out at Sam by tripping for pushing my desk into me, Sam would look at our teacher "Did you just see that?!" And our teacher would shrug his shoulders and be like "Nope. But Sam... go to the office. You're causing a ruckus"

I loved that teacher.

One day, it was a normal day, everything was bay and calm. A few jokes shared between the three of us and the bell rings and I fumbled outside and tried to look into mu backpack for my headphones so I could listen to music on the way home when a hand bounced off the side of my face, hard.

It stung so bad. It was Dustin and he was laughing with Sam as they both walked away. All I could think about was "What did I do to deserve that type of treatment?" and before I knew it, I had tears in my eyes because it hurt so much.

From that day on, I changed my treatment towards Dustin. If he was gonna act like an , I was gonna treat him like one.

So I treat him like Sam. You could literally feel like distance growing between us. With my snarky attitude and rude comments. The picture was pretty clear until one day...

"He really likes you."

Dustin was refering to Sam.

"I don't like nor care about him."

"Please Andy! I beg you as a friend. Date him. He likes you!"

I was irritated because I didn't like Sam at all, but I gave into his request and when Sam asked me out. I accepted.

It wasn't long before we broke up. The feeling of my hand in his made me quiver in disgust. We kissed and I wanted to throw up.

I eventually started to avoid him and he gave a note to a friend who delivered it to me, and just like that, I was free. 

It wasn't long before the end of the school year ended and Sam graduated and I never had to see his face again. I still didn't talk to Dustin.

Senior year came around and I think it was my most vulnerable time. Between going through drama with friends and hardships at home plus balancing school. It was hard and I almost didn't graduate.

My friendship with Dustin changed a bit and I realized that I was just done with his bull and the way he treated me. I finally had enough of forgiving him when he didn't deserve it. I couldn't bring myself to yell at him, but I did make it clear to him when I wanted him to leave me alone (I had the pleasure of sitting by him last class of the day, Economics).

He went missing for a month and then came back. I didnt really question where he went, but his attitude changed and I found myself giving in to him.

We both did our own thing, ignored each other. I made friends and he was.... just there.

Graduation came and it was then that I realized that.... he wasn't there. His name wasnt called. He didn't graduate with me. I was shocked because although the acted dumb, he was smart.

I tried to message him after that, but for two years... It was nothing but "Hey" "Hi" "How you doin?" "Good" "Gotta go bye".

Our friendship died that day.

I figured he didn't want me in his life anymore and I followed my goals and went off to college and did my own thing. I lived my life and forgot about him.

A whole 1 and 1/2 years later, Like.... Feb of 2014. I receive this long message via FB from him at 5am. I dont know what I was doing awake. I know I woke up because of something, but I think it was because I still had my headphones on and it was disturbing me.

The message, word by word said:

"I had a dream about you the other night. I woke up in tears. I just want to apologize to you for being such a terrible person. I don't know how to express emotions and i usually just surpress them. I know this is not an excuse for me being a our entire child-hood. Truth is i loved you as a friend. Probably one of the only people i ever did. All i did was hurt you. My logic was, its in the past, just dont talk to them and avoid them. Thats how i usually deal with my problems. I am trying to change because i have never been happy with my life. All i want is to love and appreaite all the people and things in this world and i am starting with you. I dont expect you do forgive me. I was a terrible person and i deserve to be unhappy. But i dont want that i want to be able to wake up everday looking forward to breathing and looking forward to life. Its fine if you don't respond i just want to let you know how i feel."

My response was: 

"I'm not someone to hold grudges against someone for something as little as that. Reading this, it kind of made it seem like I hated you, which definitely isn't the case. I understand why you did those things, so there isnt any need to apologize. I do forgive you. Even if I didnt forgive you, you still deserve to be happy and to look forward to life. Im curious to know what dream you had that impacted you so much!"

Sadly, he never told me about his dream. He avoided it. He told me how stupid he was for not realizing the way he acted sooner and how bad he felt for treating me like and how long it took him to apologize. Our convo pretty much ended after I told him I forgave him for what he did in HS although he tried to disagree and argue with me about how mean he was to me. He got the message that I forgave him and everything went better from there.

We started talking again. Not as much because he doesnt get on FB often, but something is better than nothing. We weren't that type of friend that would chill at each others house, so I didn't go over there often unless another friend went along.

For an entire year we talked and talk and reconnected. He told me about how he didn't graduate because during his vacation, he blew out his ear from swimming and had to get surgery and that made him take a leave from school, thus, making him fail and not graduate.

We talked a lot about goals and stuff. I shared with him mine and he told me that he is just playing everything ear to ear since he isn't really sure what he wants to do with the future.

Now. Lets shoot to present day. Around 6pm. 

I was working out when my mom burst into my room telling me that I need to get dressed because we're going out to each with my aunt up the street. I tried to make myself as "decent" as I possibly could. Eyeliner and well done eyebrows was good enough. I put on a hat and out the door I went. 

It seemed like 15 minutes had passed and I was looking around the resturant waiting for my food to arrive. I was facing towards the front of the restaurant and looked at each person everytime someone came in because WHY THE HELL NOT!.

When I saw more people approaching, I looked up. Our eyes meet and he quickly shoots up a hand to gesture "Hi" and I do the same. 

Somehow, I manage to get shy. 

Like why would I get shy? towards him? 

He ordered a to go with his family and I looked in the opposite view of him outside the window because I couldn't look at him. The only thing about him that changed is that he put on some weight, which is normal. I put on weight too, so I couldn't judge him.

Once I got home an hour later, I messaged him on FB "I'm glad to see you finally ventured outside your house!"

Theres only been two times I've seen him outside his house since the three years we've been out of school. Once when I was stopped at a red light waiting to turn to go to class and I saw him walking down the street in a work uniform. The second time when my AC went out and I was driving to Walmart for salvation and I saw him sitting outside waiting for someone.

I was surprised when I got a message from him pretty quick. Normally he doesnt respond for weeks at a time. Our convo is where I fangirled and ing spazzed like I never do. I even blushed a few times and had to call my friends for reassurance because I wasnt able to control my inner girl.

I'm going to color code our message. Black = My commantary. Blue = Him. Pink= Me.

"LOL. I get out!"

"It doesnt seem like a lot though!"

"Haha! I mean, I don't get out everyday, but a few times during the week or so."

"I'm surprised this is the first time that I actually ran into you! I'm surprise you recognized me right away"

"Lol Why wouldn't I? I've kinda known you my entire life."

" I dont know...Its been like three years LOL. If you didn't wave, I probably wouldn't have been able to recognize you right away. I would have had to take a few glances before figuring out who you were"

"Haha. Yeah, its been a while since we hung out. You looked a little embarassed when I walked in. It was kinda funny."

"It was like running into a stranger. I dont know lol. I've gotten a lot more shy and sentimental since HS. Plus I was out with my family and I looked like absolute cuz I literally just got done working out before I was dragged to dinner".

We continue to talk about how our parents dragged us there and how this restaurant (which has been here since we were kids) was still amazing as ever. We talked a bit about weight and losing and gaining it.

"Haha. Well it was good seeing you. You look good"

And then I go into full rant mode because of Sam because he IMed me the other day via FB and it pissed me off. So I ranted to Dustin about how he was bothering me and .

"He is annoying"

"You're the one who hung out with him!!"

"Eh, it was high school."

"SO? I wanted nothing to do with him even back then!"

"He was cool for a bit"

I started to get kinda antsy talking to him because ever since he apologized to me, it seemed all the fun was out of him and he is just this ball of boring. Even now, I think that he matured too quickly.

"Why did you have to become so mature after HS? xDD"

" I wouldn't say I'm mature. but if I am mature, its from thinking too god damn much. I think a lot these days"

"It seems like you've gotten a lot more mature since then"

We both do a bunch of useless muttering. So I finally came out and said it.

" T.T I like the mature you, but I miss the jackass too. Be a jackass sometime!!"

"I am still a goof, but my jackass days are over with. I was going through some in HS and I took my frustration out of everyone like an idiot. Now I'm just trying to be the best guy I can be."

"It doesn't like you if you aren't being mean lol. You could have talked to me about whatever you were going through back then."

"Eh. I usually keep things bottled up. And don't get me wrong, I am still the same person. I am just a lot more friend... if thats the word. Plus our friendship got weird there in high school for a bit"

I figured this would be a good time to actually talk about what happened during school that you didn't get out of him last time you talked, if you could even let him spill anything.

"I think it only got weird during Senior year, but I dont think it was that weird. Pretty normal to be exact. What is your definiton of "Weird"?"

"Uh.. Awkward, I guess."

"I think it's because I was finally tired of your bull and tried to ignore you with the best of my abilities. Obviously that didn't work cuz I still talked to you"

I mean, I couldn't completely ignore him. It was impossible.

"Yeah, also my "bull" was me just acting out. I use to have a crush on you and I was confused as and I didn't know how to act or feel"

I saw that "I use to have a crush on you" and I think I stopped breathing. I mean.... it was something that I had hoped for since I was a kid. I didn't expect him to like me. I got an inkling when he kissed me, but when he ignored me, I figured it was just him ing with me like usual. I can't say that I felt nothing. I had a spazz attack for a bit. I grew my lady balls and typed in something that I never brought up with him since it happened.

"So Im guessing that is where the kiss came from, hahaha"

I could have died at that moment. I even paced around my room until he replied.

"Yeah, but then I got scared like an idiot that you didn't like me, then just started ignoring you. Which I see now was a huge mistake"

I squealed. "Huge mistake" does that mean he regrets it still? Something he still feels like it could happen?! I literally blushed.

"BOY, I TRIED TO TALK TO YOU ALL SUMMER ABOUT IT AND YOU IGNORED ME AND PLAYED IT OFF LIKE YOU NEVER GOT THEM"

"Yeah lol...I use to be super shy about my feelings. Still am tbh."

*Rolls eyes* yeah because spending 16 years with you obviously didn't make me notice

"I already know how you are about your feelings. You never opened up to me prior, so Its not something shocking && Should have just talked to me about it man. INSTEAD OF THROWING SAM AT ME!"

Ill never let him live that down.

"That was collateral omfg, not 100% intentional"

We start talking about something else and talking about things that use to make me angry at him

"I only did that to piss you off"

"AND IT ALWAYS WORKED!"

" :D "

"I think there was only one time that I ever got super pissed at you"

"When?"

"I only ever got irritated with you, but I've only been pissed at you, once." "It was like a few second after Biology ended and I was outside fiddling through my backpack and you slapped me hard in the face for no reason and I actually cried because it hurt"

"I swear by all things ever, that was not intentional. You may not believe me, but I did not mean to do that"

"Then why did you?" "I dont think I ever hated you so much for that. All I could think was "Its all because of Sam that you turned into such an "

" I remember that day so vividly. I think I was trying to fake slap you then momentum came into play and I ed up. Yeah Sam was a bad influence. I genuinely felt horrible. Still do"

"Well that momentum definitely kicked in because other people heard and looked at us. Well don't worry about it. It's in the past now. I may tease you about it from time to time though!"

"Yeah. It was one of those slow mo things. It was a terrible moment in history."

"It wasn't horrible, but it definitely did impact how I treated you from that day foreward"

I was definitely going to lash out at him and tell him how hurt I felt because of it. How it changed during senior year because he knew how I treated him. But he changed the subject suddely I just sat there... dumbfounded.... my heart pounded and I literally a "GAAAAAAHHH".

"Just out of curosity, did you ever like me? Back in HS and "

I probably lapped around my room 4 times before figuring out an answer. I think I summoned all the demons from pits of hell to take me to the dark lord and sacrifice me so I dont have to confess too. I even chugged a beer down (I'm 21, FYI. LEGAL~) 

Nothing calmed my nerves. The room was hot, or it was me being embarassed. One of those two. I thought about it, it wasn't going to hurt to tell him. It was all in the past.

"Yeah. Elementary through Junior year... to be honest"

OUR ENTIRE FRIENDSHIP!. LIKE WHY? I SHOULD HAVE SAID A FEW YEARS! LIKE FRESHMAN YEAR LIKE HE DID, BUT NO!!!!

"But too chicken to ask or do anything about"

"I figured it was something that would never progress and it was ruin our friendship. So I kept it to myself"

I think I was more scared of him acting weird around me if he didn't feel the same. I am afraid of rejection.

"Its a big problem for me to share my feelings too. I wish one of us would have done something, just out of wondering of what could have been."

"Well technically you did do something, but chickened out in the end LOL (Refering to kiss) "

"Yeah well... I guess Im glad to know I've changed."

"You and me both lol"

I FIGURED THAT WAS THE END OF THE CONVO AND WE WERE BOTH GONNA GO TO BED. Did we ? NO. He drops the ing bomb that NEITHER of us has talked about since it happened. I freaking screamed and ran around my house like a crazy woman (I'm alone).

"By the way, I still remember when we first kissed, you were mad at me because it was in my alley"

I still consider it behind our other neighbors house, enterance to the alley, but the side-ish front of his house. IT WAS NOT LITERALLY IN A FREAKING ALLEY. Its hard to explain how our neighborhood is set up without showing you personally.

But damn right. Who wants their first kiss in an ally?

"WHO DOES THAT BTW??!!?!" "THAT WAS MY FIRST KISS BRUH!"

"That was technically my first kiss too! I just remember you being all angry and I thought it was funny"

Im glad my anger of not having that magical "FOOT POPPING" kiss made you happy. -Can you name that movie that quote belonged too?

"Because it was gross! Whenever someone asks about my first kiss, I tell them its in the back of the neighbors house"

"Yeah, well I wasn't gonna exactly invite you in my house where my mom was! LOL"

"IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYWHERE BUT THE ALLY"

"lol like where?"

"LETS SEE... WE WERE AT Z'S THAT DAY... " * STILL THINKING*

"I was limited on options! You were leaving for a week."

I had to stop and think where I was going. I dont remember leaving to somewhere. I remember moping around on my couch with butterflies in my stomach waiting for him to text me back.

"Where was I going?!"

"Your friend had a baby or something"

It clicked. I remembered.

"AWWW! My best friend. I remember. But yeah. It could have been at Z's house. In front of the schooll (which is literally in front of Z's house), on the way home....... I dont remember going there for a week though"

"Listen!... I have no regrets about that. Didn't really matter to me where for me."

"SO THE ALLEY WAS THE BEST OPTION?!"

"At that moment in time? YES!"

" ;A; There was so many options you could have chosen. I would have been happy if it was in Z's home!"

"Yeah, well at least it happened... I was about to chicken out and run home, but you where already at my house so I couldn't (Referring to the text he sent when he asked me... you know)"

"I tried to take my time going there LOL. I almost chickened out and then you did it and I was embarassed so I ran home! And then you sent me that text saying you wanted to try again and I thought at the moment I was gonna pass out LOL"

"Yeah I remember. You got redder than a tomato. I thought it was cute and funny"

I FELT SO WEIRD HEARING HIM SAY LIKE THAT TO ME!

"ITS NOT!!!  KYAAAA!!! I'm sorry that I'm white and I get embarassed easily, so I turn red!"

"Its fine. I do as well. It happened all so fast. All I remember was the feeling I got. Not that actual act. Thats why I asked if we could do it again. "

SO HE DID GET BUTTERFLIES TOO!! KYAAAAAA

"All I remember was thinking, "Okay. Its gonna be embarassing so after he pulls away. Run and RUUUUN"

"Idk. You made it awkward by running."

"IM A NERVOUS PERSON!!"

"ME TOO!!"

"I realized that after I got home, that it was a bad idea to just dip like that"

"LOL. I felt violated. Like I was used LOL JK"

"There was a lot of room pacing after that. I had to call -Insert friend name that have known you both since 7-"

"WOWOWOWWOWOW. NERD. I dont want her all up in my biiddddness"

"LOL. Well he knew about it 10 min after the kiss"

"I never told anyone"

Im not sure if I was meant to feel like for talking about it with my friend or if he was embarassed to tell his friends because it was me.

"Thats why she purposely brought us closer at school"

"I kept that on the down low && She made it more awkward"

"I wish you would have told Sam and he would have backed off >___>"

"Why? LMAO"

"I would have been much happier if he didnt approach me"

"Sam's a idiot"

"All I thought the entire time was "Take one for the team. Dustin asked. He asked!"

"ROFL, I NEVER ASKED. I simply gestured to the idea. You two did the rest"

"UH NO! YOU BEGGED ME. "Please date him Andy! He likes you. Please! For me!"

"I honestly don't remember that... thats weird"

"I REMEMBER IT CLEARLY"

"Sorry about that!"

-_______________- Better be sorry 

I started talking about what happened between me and Sam and how he eventually gave a letter to someone who knew me and broke up with me via note. I was so thankful yet I was like "DUH !?" cuz he said that (in note) he was too scared to do it in person because he was afraid Id rip his head off.

"He said he was too scared to give it to me just in case I rip off his head"

"Sounds like good ol' Andy"

"Too bad that side is on vacation for a long time."

"Nah. You were never y. You definitely could get intense from time to time"

"Intense? When was I ever intense? I dont remember ever lashing out at you"

"You didn't lash out at me, but you use to give me these looks like "gtfo" from time to time"

"Thats because I thought about our friendship too much to lash out at you and give you the scolding you needed lol"

" :D I did need one though"

" I dont think you realize how easily I was able to forgive you. You irritated me and then you would do something and I would forgive you 5 seconds later"

"I do now, but didn't back then. I remember when I first started liking you, like a lot. It was freshman year."

"I barely hung out with you Freshman year lol"

"I had a dream about you. That you went out with some jerk, and it made me feel really jealous."

"THAT WAS A DREAM ABOUT THE FUTURE WITH SAM && How do you start to like someone you didn't be around?"

"Very carefully :P"

"I dont remember being around you at all Freshman year. Wait. We walked from 8th hour to home"

"Lol. Yeah, thats when I started hanging around Tyler (A new neighbor by us).and I started walking with him."

"Yeah. I remember that. I got angry because I was almost non-existant to you "

"Like I said... I was an idiot back then. I should have treated you better like you deserve"

"I didn't really deserve anything though"

" >_____< Im getting tired~"

And that is practically where it ends besides saying a few goodnights.

Guys... if you read all that. You ing rock. 

But honestly.... I felt inner feelings that I thought were gone. I blushed again. Im not sure if I should try to progress it into something further. I should have asked when he stopped liking me. 

Now that I think about it, I talked too much about Sam >///<

I dont know how to cope. I dont know how he feels about me now.

Im too scared to ask.

Like, Im not attracted to him at all, but there is like this..... closeness we both share. Its weird.

I feel like I should keep it hidden and continue going on with my life and accomplish my goals and such, but then theres a part of me that wants to try it out

But then there is a huge part of me saying "You know that if you date him, you'll end up marrying him"

I ING CANT. LIKE I. WHUT. NO. STAPH.

I JUST. 

WHAT DO I DO?!

ADVICE?

LADIES?

UNNIES?!

OR EXPERIENCED DONGSAENGS?!

*Flips table* >///< THIS IS WHY I TRY NOT TO DATE OR ANYTHING. ITS TOO HARD ON MY HEART!!

//EDIT COMMENT 7-25//

I was re-reading it. Sorry about the horrible spelling and stuff. I wrote this for like three hours and finished almost 6am. I was so freaking tired >//< If I get time, I'll clean it up a bit.