It has been 7 months since September 2014.

The month that all Soshi fans dreaded - the month we got our hearts broken and torn apart. I got mine broken into two and then torn apart to many million pieces before it got shredded till the pieces were just impossible to be put back together. 

the brittles of the broken heart pieces are still lingering in the depths of my heart. it still hurts for me. whenever their songs (whether the new ones or the old ones) come on my mp3 player or laptop, without any hesitation, the pain lingers back into my heart. it is still difficult for me to listen to them. it is still difficult to watch their old variety programmes or music videos and even the recent CMIYC, i cannot watch for long. I'll stop halfway through.

reason? 

their smiles are just too painful to look at. 

jessica's not there.

the harmonies are no longer perfect without Jessica.

and the girls were so obvious in putting up a brave front. 

please look at Sunny. 

there's no radiance in that damn girl's face anymore.

and then look at Yoona.

the only comfort she could get is, she's in China working hard on her drama. she met new colleagues; new co-stars and in a total new country. she may be hurting but at least, the new environment gives a certain consolation over the loss of Jessica.

and then Yuri. well, i'm not insinuating anything but suddenly Yuri has a boyfriend. she has always been a ladies's lady. but then suddenly she's dating a man who is a lot older than her. i'm not saying i'm unhappy that she's dating but i have always thought Yuri is the silent type of girlfriend towards Jessica. she's there when Jessica needs her. she's conveniently putting out a hand to Jessica especially when Yoona's not there for the ice princess.

and Seohyun. Our maknae. She hardly smiles anymore. She seems to be getting better but she seems uncertain sometimes. we often see how Seohyun will quietly stand behind Jessica when the ice princess is standing alone. She will try to put a smile on Jessica. She can try as hard as she can but most of the time she will succeed. 

Hyoyeon. Well, Hyoyeon is probably the Queen of Mask. she's always smiling but i'm sure Hyoyeon feels hurt that her bickering friend is no longer there with her. 

Soo Young, Taeyeon and Tiffany. These 3 appear fine to me. Well, we all know Taeyeon's aloofness towards Jessica during the recent years but now, Kim Taeyeon looks a little distracted too. i don't know for what reason but Kim Taeyeon is a lot quieter than she was before.

Soo Young. Soo Young cares for her members. I know she's hurting too. She and Jessica are friends for the longest time, together with Hyoyeon. If they're really  not on talking terms, how the am I supposed to feel about these 3 girls? 

And Tiffany. Well that bimbo is known for keeping things to herself. A smile is always on her face because that's the way how she lives her life. A lady who has to be stronger than anyone else because she knows the feeling of losing a loved one - her late mother. so, now she has lost Jessica who has been a part of her family for all the times she's in Korea, that pain is unbearable too. but knowing her, she's always hide it.

Last but not least, Jessica. Jessica, I... honestly miss you the most. Not able to see you performing with your 8 sisters is the most painful experience for me. And watching you moving in and out; having a good time; hiding your problems behind that icy exterior with a cold smile. And getting hate from people who don't really know you at all - you're strong girl. 

But i'm inclined to disagree with your marketing strategies. why do you have to take advantage of your beloved fans? is this possibly the reason why SM refuses to keep you around because if this is your strategy, then I'm sorry girl. If I own SM, I would have step in and say no. buy your shades at a certain amount so that we can see you for just mere seconds? i'm sorry. i love you but as a point of business view, you're just scheming.

maybe it's not you. maybe it's the marketing team or better still, maybe it's tyler kwon's idea. i miss the old you, Jessica. you don't have to fall into the business world and just plunge in blindness. i'm confused whether your business is really doing well. if it does, good for you. but if it doesnt and you resort in taking advantage of your fans, then i'm sorry. this is not for me.

i'll not buy simple things at a high price because baby, your brand is not internationally known yet. maybe in the short span of 5 years, you might survive but if you're talking about the long run, it's difficult baby. 

i have a nagging feeling that this business might not survive somehow. i'm sorry for having this negative thought but i'm from the financial world darling. i know how it works and even those branded goods have difficulties to survive, i don't wish to comment anymore.

Some MaoMaos might disagree with this post. Some OT8 -stans hate Jessica for nothing. I'm still with OT9. My heart fell in love with all 9 of them. Maybe i'm one of the many Sones who is struggling to move on from this episode. honestly, sometimes i give up on Soshi or Jessica. sometimes when I read abt them on twitter, i'll just be scoffing away. 

if only the girls understand my pain. 

yes, i'm selfish.

but i have  the right to be selfish and petty because i love them so much.

and now my heart is broken but there are still no answers to all my questions.

i guess i have the right to be selfish towards them.

but once they stop being together, i'lll be done with Kpop.

i'm not going to fall in love with another group.

i'm not going to give my all in another group anymore.

SNSD is the last kpop group I'll stan. 

hate me if you think this post is bull.

i won't try to defend myself.