Hey bestie, it's your birthday today..can you believe it? You're now twenty-four. I really wish you were here ^.^ We could have celebrated it together. I'm sure you're somewhere resting in peace now..I'm sure you're in a much more happier place than I am, and I'm glad you are. It that you had to pass away on your birthday month this year..but I guess life goes on.

I remember when I had first found out about your death. My brother had woken me up accidentally, thinking I was dead asleep. Him and the rest of my family held a tone I couldn't really explain. I was half asleep, but even being in that state I could recognize the negativity in the air. I wondered..did something happen? And after listening in for a few more minutes, he had said it. Those fateful words that I never thought I would hear. "I can't believe he died this morning." How did I react? Well I didn't really know how to. I just laid there, unmoving as those words tried to implant themselves into my already messed up head. You were dead. My best friend, the one who I had gotten distant from because of our age difference, was dead. You were no longer breathing. You were gone and could no longer speak. I couldn't believe it.

I didn't want to believe it.

So that day came, where everyone had gone to your viewing but I couldn't because of my broken leg. I had heard many things. Like how much my brother sobbed. Like how badly your family-your little sister and brother which you had told me so much about-were bawling their eyes out. All the friends you have made, which were also my friends were crying and sobbing their hearts out for you, while I remained alone; unable to go to you because of my disability of walking. I had never known one could feel this ty. I never knew the feeling of that could ever affect me that much in my life. And to say sadly, it didn't, at least not at first. Once I had finally been able to get permission to go to your viewing I was happy. Then I was anxious. Would I cry too? If and when I saw you in your death bed, would I break down foolishly in front of a corpse who never knew had stolen my heart before? These questions continued to play as we neared you. And once I had crutched my way inside of the church I saw your family. I saw your current girlfriend who seemed to have looked more tired than usual, and skinnier than before. She seemed to have been able to hold herself back, but even I knew from one look she wanted to break down at any second.

Your mother didn't fail to show her sorrow, and to how many people who had given their condolences..I wouldn't know; I couldn't keep count. There were too many who had come to show their respects to you. I waited in line as well. I waited my turn to say goodbye and finally accept that fact that you were dead. And so, as soon as I saw it was my turn, I crutched my way to you. I crutched so pitifully while many looked at me and whispered some inaudible words here and there. Some making it obvious that they questioned why a little kid was here to see you, and why someone with such a recent injury would make such efforts to come. And for those few seconds I spared walking to you, I too wondered. Why did I go through so much to go to you? Even when I knew you probably didn't remember me, the one you used to call your best friend, why did I go to such lengths to meet you again? Then I wondered, did he ever feel I was significant to his life?

But all those thoughts disappeared right away with the sight of you laying so quietly. Because of family and the accident with my leg, my days had been dark. And most of all because of hearing your death, the sorrows in my life became ten times worse. However, the second I saw you, they all somehow washed away. Not because I was happy, but because I too felt as if I was dead. Your usually golden skin, was now pale white with powdered make up. Your usually toned body looked stuffed with things to make it look like it hadn't been crushed apart in the accident and was still intact. I was surprised, because I never knew one could feel this empty. But even with that in mind, knowing you, the last thing you'd want is for people to cry. The cheerful man you were would simply smile to us and say, "Don't cry when I'm gone." And so, I did that. In my head I thought, are you proud of me? I'm smiling. I'm smiling while I hold your cold hand and look at your pale face. I wondered why I didn't break down. I really did question the coldness of my heart.

But I found out today. After waking up at 4:00 am crying because of the realization of your death in March 2, 2015; that I held up that smile so you would not see me cry. I held it up even when I knew you could not see me if I cried it. I held onto it desperately, and managed to supress it for a few weeks because I didn't want you to know I would cry. Finally, the realization..the pain that came with that truth-had finally hit me. For the sake of my family, I held down my cries and choked that morning. I did my all to keep from disturbing them. And it worked until I fell asleep again. However, I woke up with tears still pouring down my face. My family was gone for some extra work or errands, so it was only me at home. I found out while crying my heart out that even unconscious, my heart knew the pain would not cease. Even in a deep sleep, I knew I would not wake up happy. What's ironic about this is that I vowed not to cry on your birthday either...but I broke that. I had reached my limit of holding down the feelings.

It isn't really fair you know Bestie? Even when you died, time did not stop for me to try to pull myself together. Time moved on as if you just hadn't died. It had passed by like nothing ever happened. Maybe that could also be a reason why I didn't cry on that day. Maybe that's why, when the time had caught up with me. That fateful day when you died and I had found out had caught up with me and had me bawling. It was only for a few hours, but soon after that my tears ceased and locked themselves behind my eyelids again like they usually were. The sadness I hadn't been able to shed for you had finally left my body, but the pain still remains as a scar. I wonder even now..if you're actually happy. Today, on your birthday, my heart only questions whether you're doing alright. But I know soon enough, those questions would diminish. The thoughts and the loss of sleep would slowly reduce as time passes because that's what time does to you. One things for sure that I know well is that the pain will never go away. And I will always cherish that pain you gave me, because it would be a reminder of our friendship and memories which we had shared here when you were still breathing. Thank you for everything you've given me and shown me. I love you bestie. Happy birthday ^.^