21 December 2016

Dear Diary,

    He walked passed me without looking at me again…  When did he learn how to do that?  I always tend to look at him, who wouldn’t?  Did he already moved on from me?  Is he finally talking to some other girl?  Jr always walks up to me and checks up on me, for some unknown reasons.  Asking me, how I’m doing, what I’ve been up too.  At least he still cares, right?  Today in class, he was laughing with some other girl…  He was talking to her about some girl group, of course it was something he liked.  That girl that he was talking too, she was really pretty.  Hyorin was her name, she’s in a girl group called Sistar, a 5 girl group, who they were all very pretty, even I can’t compete with that.  

He walked passed me during lunch, something that he’s never done in a few months…  He didn’t look at me though…  Not even a glance…  I looked away and thought of how comfortable I was when he held me tight in his embrace.  I thought of how he kissed me pulling me closer to him.  I remembered how much he told me he loved me.  He told me I was enough for him, he told me that I was the best thing that happened to him, but… How?  How could he…?

21 December 2016

“I’ll always miss him.”

-Chae Young Joo

Got7 Jr.

21 December 2016; 7 pm

Dear Journal,

    I walked passed her today but I couldn’t look at her…  The shame and the guilt that I had, I just couldn’t get the guts to say hi or to even look at her.  How could I possibly talk to her after what I’ve done to her?  Jr, my best friend, always has my back.  He constantly asks her about her day, how she was, how she’s feeling then he comes running back to me and tells me.  I know it’s wrong…  My father passing away, I slept with another girl, I was stressed out so I took the anger out on her…  That guilt… It caused her to cry..  She didn’t cry when I was yelling at her, she didn’t wince when I tossed my books on the floor, she didn’t cry when she found out I had slept with another girl. She cried when I walked out of the door. 

    And who was I to tell her that it was a mistake, that I was drunk and I couldn’t control myself?  Who was I to ask her for forgiveness?  I remember those tears that dropped, those tears that I promised to catch, that skinny hand that was hitting me, that silky hair which had became messy.  It was all because of me.  The hand that I’ve always wanted to hold, that body that I’ve always wanted to embrace, that face that I’ve always wanted to kiss and look at, that smile that is now gone.  We couldn’t even look at each other now, and all I could do now is avoid her and try to move on although my heart says to plead for forgiveness, although my body aches whenever I see her…  My mind asks for me to let go…

~Is it time to let go?~

// Im Jaebum //