“Why did you choose me Sehun?”

I asked him while looking at the mug with ‘half full or half empty’ of coffee. I was afraid to look at him, afraid to see his reaction, afraid to see what’s really on his mind.

                           “I like you”

He answered me; honestly, it was not the answer that I was anticipating for him to say. “I like you” was not a good answer neither the true answer to my question.

                           “Liking me is not enough Sehunnie”

When I looked at him, he was looking at me with a surprise emotion, either I was surprised to call him Sehunnie, I dropped that pet name or nickname when we broke up 2 years ago. We used to date, yes but obviously it didn’t work out or should I say he didn’t make an effort to work it out.

                            “I love you”

He answered. Wrong again, as I looked at him, he was neither smiling nor showing emotion in his face. I smiled at him, maybe I knew him for so long that I know what he was thinking. Being best friend since childhood was not a joke. Now that we’re both 25 years old, done with college and have already a stable job – I can say that we’re matured enough with this thing.

                            “No, you used to love me and that’s not the kind of love that we’re talking about”

I answered him with a full smile.

                   “Then what do you want me to answer Yoon-Mi? That we are a best friend? Do you think that’s the reason why I                        want to go back to you?”

He answered me; he looked around if anyone in the coffee shop was looking at us because of his sudden rant. Wrong answer again, I don’t know where this conversation is going.

                    “You are currently dating, you love her, she loves you – why bother to go back to me Sehun? I’m all grown up now;                      I’m not 15 or 16 who doesn’t know what to do in this situation. I can manage”

I said, this conversation is stupid, after all I realized that my relationship with him is not going to work, he has a loving girlfriend, they love each other, I know – I experience so much pain because of her – and that was enough.  We broke up because of her.

                                “We broke up already”

Now he was looking at me straight in the eyes, I can see the pain and agony in his facial expression. It hurts. It hurts so much to see him like this. It was like I was pushing myself to the man I love who loves another person.

                        “That’s why I’m telling you to break this bond already, it was useless. Sehun you love her, I can see it, don’t                               make me feel like again, don’t make me hate her again, please, I’m begging you – stop this madness”

Now I was pouring my real emotions to my words, but I am not crying, I get tired of it. I think 2 years of suffering was enough for me to move on and accept that my best friend and boyfriend betrayed me for a girl that he only knew for a year. We started dating since we were 17 years old and ended 2 years ago.

                                   “It’s not madness Yoon-Mi, you need me. ”

He said. Then it clicked to me – 

                          “I am dying Sehun, and I manage to survive for a year without you, I don’t need you. I decided to tell you this,                            just to inform you because after all you are my best friend, oh no – you used to be my best friend. Coming                                  back to me won’t be the solution of your guilt and feeling sorry of what you did to me and I don’t need your                                  pity”

I said to him. Again with a stoic face, I wanted to cry in front of him, I wanted to slap him, I wanted to hurt him, but then again – that was useless. I’m just tired of everything.

                            “Then don’t marry me it’s okay, just please let me take care of you, it’s not pity Yoon-Mi – you are my best                                 friend, please let me help you”

He holds my hands and he slightly bowed down his head, then I can hear some sobs coming from him.

He is crying.

My best friend, my love is crying. This is the 2^nd time that I saw him cried. The first one was when his parents got divorced when we were 12 years old.

                             “It’s hard to see you like this Sehun, please don’t be like that. Please don’t make me feel this again, I’m so                                  tired of everything. Don’t make me feel that I am important, please don’t. I am ready to die – don’t make my                              hopes got high again.”

I wanted to cry.

                                        “Let me repay all the things that you’ve done to me”

He said as he looked at me, not bothering to wipe his tears.

-=-

I didn’t see this coming. I told him that I was sick just to inform him; after all we are best friends he has the right to know. I don’t need someone to take care of me. I was used of being alone, after my mother died at the age of 17 and my father who disowned me because he has another family, I told myself to live alone and get used to it. Though Sehun and his mom are there for me and treat me like a family, I should do something to survive. Every night, I have a part time in a restaurant as a waitress and in the morning I was a normal student. It was okay, because Sehun is there for me, that’s why when we broke up, I suddenly felt tired of living, I felt useless and vulnerable, after all he was the reason why am I still living – I love him to that point.

When I was diagnosed with this illness a year ago, it was already on the 3^rd stage and I have nothing to do just to accept it. As I looked at my paper saying “positive- 3^rd stage of Secondary Bone Cancer” this is a type of bone cancer where tumors that spread to the brain from another part of the body.  I just laughed at it and think “Here it comes, maybe this was meant to happen, and after all, I lose the motivation to live again.”

-=-

                  “Currently, my cancer is spreading to different part of my body and maybe tomorrow or the next day I won’t be able                   to walk, to talk or even to breathe.”

As a matter of fact, I told him this; I want him to realize that I am dying and we don’t have a choice but to do nothing about it. Having him again in my side won’t change my mind to die peacefully. I don’t want treatments, I don’t want to experience chemotherapy, I don’t want to vomit like there’s no tomorrow or even lose my hair. I don’t want those things. I just want to leave the world without suffering too much, because I had enough.

                               “That is why I am here to help you”

He said with assuring tone.

                                 “Let me think about it first, and then I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

As I said that, I stood up and walked outside the coffee shop, without looking back.

-=-

My relationship with Sehun started to drift off when he started to work at Shin Company, his dream company. I thought because of his full schedule and tiring days everyday – he was not texting me like before, the calls were lessen to the point that we’re not communicating each other for a day. I understand him, I need to understand him. He strived and gave his all effort just to get this job and I’m not a who will stop him from his dreams, in fact, I support him. It became a regular basis, no texts or calls from him. I texted him a few, just to know that he is okay. Of course, we will text back, and after that, our conversation will end there.

He became cold towards me.

Everything about him has changed.

Then one night, he just called me out of the blue and he wanted to meet me.

I was terrified of what he’s going to say to me. I was afraid to admit that this relationship will go nowhere because of his sudden lack of interest.

January 20, 2013. 1 week before our 6^th year anniversary, he broke up with me.

I was devastated, my heart shattered into pieces. I asked him to stay, I told him that I will change for him, do anything for him ‘cause he is my everything, my life. But he said the problem was not me. He was thankful to have me that I supported him for all those years that he suffered from depression because of family and financial problems.

                           “Maybe I misjudge my feeling for you, maybe because you’re the only one for me that’s why I thought it                                  was love that I’m feeling towards you”

He was harsh with his words to me that night. It hurts so much knowing that the man you love all these years didn’t love you back and never become yours.

                             “I mistook this friendly love towards you, I’m sorry”

Sorry. I don’t want to hear him saying sorry. He thought he loved me for 6 years. Funny, right? So for 6 years being with me he was jesting himself and pretending to love me. While me, I gave my everything to him because I love him.

                             “I fall in love Yoon-Mi, I fall in love with my co-worker”

He said while looking at me.

How can he say that to my face? He was cruel.

                              “Yoon-Mi, say something please”

Instead of saying something, I slapped him hard in the face. Then I walked out.

I heard enough – and that was enough for me to leave him. I want him to be happy and he will become happy without me.

 -=-

Seeing him again made me remember all the pain that he have given me.

But seeing him cry, it was hard for me. I was laughing again because of my current situation. I am dying and my love is coming back to me.

I am in between of the battle of sanity and insanity.  

This is crazy, and I don’t like crazy.