The first night Sanghyuk had met him was when it was warm, spring melting into the summer heat, reminding him of how cool Jaehwan’s hands had always seem to feel whenever he brushed them against Sanghyuk’s forehead. They hadn’t gotten along at first, as most people apparently don’t with Jaehwan, but he was a mood maker, he drew people towards him whether or not they really wanted to be in his company, Sanghyuk was never and could never be an exception to that rule. It’s something akin to magic, if Sanghyuk truly believed in such a thing, which a small part of him does, but that is mostly due to him having the pleasure of knowing Jaehwan.

Summer nights were slow and dragged on, Sanghyuk being further and further into the black hole that was Jaehwan, never seeming to ever relent as he didn’t even bat so much as an eyelash at every excuse Sanghyuk could create to avoid the other. They did mundane things at first, watching movies or going out to eat with friends, which somehow blended in Jaehwan allowing himself into Sanghyuk’s room whenever he pleased, forcing Sanghyuk to tear away at whatever he was doing just because he couldn’t leave Jaehwan to his own devices in his room.

Sanghyuk doesn’t really know when things had gotten out of control by then, fall and winter both blending so well with the bitter cold that something in Sanghyuk seemed too frozen to be able to snap within him.

When Jaehwan kisses him, it’s with an electric sort of intoxication, a type of ecstasy that Sanghyuk can’t seem to purchase himself with, always getting more and more lost in Jaehwan. The feeling is amplified when Jaehwan touches him, fingers cool and relaxing as the heater rolls in a soothing waves over Sanghyuk’s already heat sensitive skin. It’s like fire and ice engulfing his body and he can’t help that this is the effect Jaehwan seems to spur in him. He can’t help that he hates Jaehwan so much but loves the feeling of his skin pressed to the other’s more than anything.

There is no love there, Sanghyuk knows, has always known. With Jaehwan there is nothing, only teasing and meaningless , but Sanghyuk remembers the weather being warm when Jaehwan is there, fake smiles and pleasant words whispered in his ear. Promises that hold no weight, soft kisses that are less than nothing, Jaehwan’s eyes dark with anything but the desire to consume Sanghyuk. It goes like that, he’ll get pulled in one moment, thrown away the next, forgotten when Jaehwan gets bored with him, but remembered when Jaehwan gets bored of everyone else. It’s heartless, really, Sanghyuk knows Jaehwan and everything he does is, but that doesn’t seem to stop him from always leaving his door open for the other.

The air is heavy, filled with the scent of sweat and alcohol, Sanghyuk can feel hungry eyes trained on him from across the bar. It’s Jaehwan, he knows, teasing him, trying to get Sanghyuk to run over to his side. He can’t, not tonight, not when Taekwoon is with him. Not when Taekwoon is kindness and careful and nothing but loving towards Sanghyuk. It’s unfair, how great the hold Jaehwan has on Sanghyuk is -- toxic and addictive. He would mind it more if not for Taekwoon. The one who presses gentle lips to mark the soft spots on Sanghyuk’s body, the one who holds him dearly as if he were fragile and going to break with the smallest amount of pressure. Sometimes, Sanghyuk feels like Taekwoon’s view of him isn’t completely wrong, Sanghyuk definitely is cracking.

“You should really dump him,” a voice says husky in Sanghyuk’s ear. He knows it’s Jaehwan of all people to corner him in the bathroom as he washed his hands. “You’ve got me after all.”

“You’re lacking,” says Sanghyuk, truthfully. Jaehwan is such a piece of .

He acts offended, clutching a dramatic hand to his chest as if he’s been pierced in the heart, but both he and Sanghyuk know there’s a black hole in the cavity of his chest. Sanghyuk rolls his eyes, turning to leave, when Jaehwan brings a hand to hold his face, making Sanghyuk look at him.

“Really, you’re just going to get bored of him.”

A burst of annoyance goes off in Sanghyuk and he shoves Jaehwan away from him. The other gives him a wary smile, but if Sanghyuk notices, he doesn’t show that he does.

Jaehwan is too much, he’s an entire ocean and Sanghyuk can’t swim.

He goes to Jaehwan like a mosquito swarming to honey, or maybe it’s Jaehwan who’s the blood-  mosquito, Sanghyuk’s never been good with analogies. He hates Jaehwan, most likely because the other is too callous, too full of himself and too sure that Sanghyuk will always come back. Maybe, Sanghyuk figures, maybe he hates himself more for proving Jaehwan right all the time.

Thoughts of Taekwoon are uselessly shoved into the furthest, darkest corners of Sanghyuk’s mind. His focus going blurry as he tries to keep his attention on Jaehwan, which proves to be far too easy when the other is poisonous, noxious in a way that surrounds Sanghyuk in a clouded haze, making everything he breathes in to be Jaehwan. He can’t breathe this way, lungs too full and refusing to expel the smoke, his body betraying his heart that screams at him to run away and his head that relays horrible images of a smiling Taekwoon, who trusts and loves Sanghyuk.

“Are you thinking about him?” Jaehwan asks, voice husky and raw, scraping into Sanghyuk’s ear. He shakes his head, it’s a lie. Jaehwan laughs at him. “You’re too good for him.”

Quite the opposite, Sanghyuk thinks, because here he is, with Jaehwan. He’s with Jaehwan instead of Taekwoon and all Taekwoon has done is be honest with him and wear his heart on his sleeve around Sanghyuk. He doesn’t deserve anyone else but Jaehwan, really.

Sanghyuk thinks he’s trash, that honestly, he’s no different from Jaehwan.

There are red marks peppering his skin, his lips are swollen and the pit of his stomach is filled with guilt when he goes back to an empty apartment. There is no Taekwoon here, not when Sanghyuk can barely face him. Not when Jaehwan is still all over his clothes, his hair, his body. He’s tainted beyond relief, far too smudged and dirtied and Sanghyuk cries, he ing cries. The weather is warm when Sanghyuk lays in bed, alone, without the loving comfort of Taekwoon and never with Jaehwan. It’s warm outside, but where Sanghyuk lays, in a bed that stretches for miles in every direction he throws his worn body at, it is cold.