I tell myself you don't mean a thing,
And what we got, got no hold on me.

See, that’s what Kyungsoo wants to tell himself. That's what Kyungsoo wants to believe. But like everyone in the entire universe has ever said, “it's always easier said that done” and Kyungsoo couldn't bring himself to admit that the stupid cliche saying was... true.

It started innocent enough.

It was Friday night and the biggest, the final party for all the seniors was about to happen before they took their final exams and were officially done with high school, simply waiting for graduation to pass by them like a flash. Do Kyungsoo had never been a party kind of person ever. In fact, he was the exact opposite if one could say so. Instead of the obnoxious raging hypnotic tunes, he much preferred the calmness of the library, the smell of books sitting quietly on the shelves. Kyungsoo had no problems with spending hours in the library, burying his nose into a book whether fiction or yet another textbook, he had zero problems with that. As compared to the torturous five minutes he’d have to spend at some party where hormones were raging like a rocket ready to take off to space. The last time he attended a party, he almost puked before he even reached the front door. He swore to lay off parties ever since that.

Yet, there he stood in front of Kim Jongin's massive house with his best friend, Byun Baekhyun.

It was all Baekhyun’s fault. Every ounce of atom and particle in the entire universe was telling - no, yelling - at Kyungsoo that it was going to be a bad idea, that something was going to go wrong, that Baekhyun was just out to ruin Kyungsoo’s life. Byun Baekhyun was like Do Kyungsoo, but not exactly. Sure Baekhyun was smart, almost as smart as Kyungsoo, but God must have loved him a little bit more than Kyungsoo because Baekhyun had the mad social skills that would definitely put Kim Kardashian to shame - probably enough to make her run and crawl into a hole and cry for the next century or so. Compared to Kyungsoo, Baekhyun wasn’t a nerd. He was cool, and more importantly, he had something Kyungsoo didn’t have: popularity. Despite being smart, the kid could smooth/sweet talk his way with people. Which made everyone wonder why Baekhyun hung around the school nerd (aka Kyungsoo) when he could probably be friends with anyone in the entire high school. Kyungsoo made a wild guess of a mixture of pity and the fact that they’ve known each other since they were kids, which Baekhyun would genuinely get angry over (“Kyungsoo! Can you PLEASE be a little more positive? Just because I’m smart, handsome—“ Kyungsoo choked on his drink to which Baekhyun narrowed his eyes towards the other guy, “AND popular, doesn't mean I ditch my precious childhood friend alright!”).

Kyungsoo sighed. He had no idea what he was doing. But he figured, Baekhyun did have a point. It was after all the last party as seniors. The last of the last... and then he would have to deal with college parties which, to Kyungsoo, was like entering Hell’s nest or something.

“KYUNGSOO!” A voice screeched from behind him. Kyungsoo cringed, he hated it when Baekhyun yelled his name. It attracted unnecessary attention towards the wide-eyed boy, something Kyungsoo didn’t appreciate at all.

“I’m so glad you finally crawled out of your nerd hole, man, so glad. You’re going to enjoy it, Soo, so you better swallow every drop of tonight!” Baekhyun said excitedly as he wrapped his fingers around Kyungsoo’s wrist and dragged him into the massive house. At once, Kyungsoo was hit with the revolting smell of alcohol mixed with raging hormones, the thundering club songs hitting threatening to burst Kyungsoo’s eardrums. Kyungsoo panicked - what was he doing? He didn’t belong in a place like this! Kyungsoo stiffened up, mentally calculating how long it would take to distract Baekhyun enough so he could make his escape. It seemed like Baekhyun got the idea as his fingers tightened around Kyungsoo’s wrist, continuing to drag the guy towards the kitchen so they could get some drinks. 

Do Kyungsoo was and had never been a fan of alcohol. He didn’t like the way it smelled or the way it tasted. Yet, he found himself almost gagging as he downed the drink that was shoved into his hand by his best friend. The aftertaste literally tasted like to Kyungsoo, but he forced it down anyway. Like Baekhyun said, it was the last party, why not make the most of it? Kyungsoo had never had his alcohol limits tested and he wasn’t sure if he wanted that to happen tonight.

Within minutes, Baekhyun had disappeared with some blonde giant called Chanyeol and Kyungsoo was awkwardly standing in the kitchen, his red plastic cup loosely gripped in his hand. Kyungsoo sighed, why did he agree again? Kyungsoo pushed his way through the sweaty bodies that were aimlessly dancing to the song that was playing, occasionally he would get d at the or someone would be pulling him to dance even though he had no idea who that person was. He politely refused and tried to pry their hands off his arms before scurrying away towards the second floor of the house.

The second floor was relatively empty, except for the random couples that kept popping up making out by the corridor. As Kyungsoo further explored the house, he entered a random room, drowning out the music downstairs as he closed the door quietly. He sighed for what seemed to be the millionth time that night. Kyungsoo mentally scolded himself for even agreeing to something he hated doing. He quietly strolled around the room, taking in the sights.

The room was decorated fairly simple. A jersey hung above the queen-size bed, a rugby helmet hung precariously next to it. The minimalistic concept of the room had Kyungsoo wondering if he should follow this style for his dorm room when he went onto college. It was neat yet messy, books strewn all over the study table that sat in front of a window. From the window, Kyungsoo could see the entire backyard of Kim Jongin’s house, where masses of the seniors were getting drunk and jumping into the pool. Photo frames sat silently on the shelves and Kyungsoo squinted to see the photos. His eyes widen with shock as he realized whose room he was in - Kim Jongin.

Jongin with his parents, Jongin with his sister, Jongin with his rugby team, Jongin with his dogs, Jongin with—

The door behind him suddenly slammed shut loudly, making Kyungsoo jump on the spot. A chuckle reached his ears as Kyungsoo whirled about - only to be shoved against a wall. The dark room remained silent as his “attacker” nuzzled Kyungsoo’s neck, lips ghosting over the bare skin. Kyungsoo was so sure he had peed in his pants as his eyes had automatically shut themselves. Kyungsoo tried to remember to breathe, his breaths coming out in quick successions. His entire body was trembling, he didn’t know who was in front of him or what did this person wanted. Oh , am I going to die? Kyungsoo vaguely thought to himself as he inhaled his perpetrator's scent. It was musky, dripping with alcohol, very manly and it was very intoxicating. 

Before he could even afford another thought, the pair of lips began roughly kissing his neck, on the skin, leaving red angry marks in its wake. Kyungsoo’s eyes flew open in surprise. His vision, however, was blocked with wild auburn hair. Kyungsoo’s breath hitched as the mystery guy began slowly grinding his hips against Kyungsoo’s, his lips slowly moving upwards towards Kyungsoo’s earlobes where the tongue darted out to the shell of his ear. Kyungsoo released a whine then reeled back in horror - he did not mean to make that kind of noise. Kyungsoo could feel a grin (or was it a smirk?) settling against his ear.

“Do you like that, Kyungsoo?”

The smaller boy gasped. It was Kim Jongin. Kim-ing-Jongin who had him pinned up against the wall, who had been kissing and biting his exposed neck, Kim-ing-Jongin who was now rolling his hips forward and Kyungsoo’s body betraying him and meeting every of Jongin’s with his own. Kim Jongin pulled back, revealing his face to Do Kyungsoo, a wicked grin tugging at the corner of Jongin’s lips as he kept the smaller boy firm against the wall. The ing had become frantic, Jongin’s heavy breathing mixed with the stench of beer reaching Kyungsoo’s nostrils. Normally, Kyungsoo’s face would have contorted to show something like disgust but he was so , his mind was too busy taking in Jongin’s perfectly plump lips, the way his biceps tensed as he gripped Kyungsoo’’ wrists together above his head. Kyungsoo whimpered as he rolled his hips forward to meet with Jongin’s s, the bulge in his jeans was growing almost painfully.

Only love can hurt like this,
Must have been a deadly kiss.

“Shhh... Soo-ah, you're too noisy,” Jongin cooed before smashing his lips against Kyungsoo ajar mouth, the kiss fierce, wild and needy. Kyungsoo’s eyes shut accordingly as Jongin’s grip on his wrists slackened and Kyungsoo took a leap of faith - his hands came crashing down and entangling themselves in Jongin’s messy auburn locks, his body pushing forward to meet more of Jongin’s chiseled body. Their tongues fought for dominance as the taller boy’s hand s its way down to Kyungsoo’s growing bulge. Instinctively, Kyungsoo bucked into the touch as Jongin chuckled into their kiss.

“So needy, Soo-ah, yet so beautiful,” Jongin slurred into the kiss as his hands roughly palmed the growing . Kyungsoo moaned, hips erratically bucking into Jongin’s heavy hand on his bulge. Kim Jongin need what he was doing to Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo loved every moment of it. He figured he would have time to reflect and beat himself in horror over what had happened. Like Baekhyun had told him, he was going to swallow every drop of this moment while he still could. 

The room remained dark as soft moans and whimpering filled the cold air. Kyungsoo was close, so close as his hands tugged on Jongin’s hair, his head tilting backwards, allowing Jongin to attack his neck once more. He tried to open his eyes but all Kyungsoo was met with was white fuzzy lines, white noise filling his ears as he desperately tried to listen to Jongin breath heavily, grunting as his hand rubbed them both. Kyungsoo could feel it, he was about to come as his body shake violently in Jongin’s arms—

And then it was gone.

A cold breeze from outside blew inwards, making Kyungsoo shiver. With his eyes still tightly shut, he brought his arms upwards, trying to feel for anything in the darkness.

Nothing. Nothing.

Kyungsoo opened his eyes slowly. He wasn’t sure why tears had began pooling in his eyes, threatening to spill over but he released the breath he had been holding. Had he been dreaming? Was it the influence of the alcohol and obnoxious music, along with his secret desire to be somewhat cool that had fuelled his imagination that Kim Jongin had just been ravaging him a few minutes ago? The room was still dark, the air hung in anticipation, waiting for Kyungsoo’s next move. Lights blinked from behind Kyungsoo from the backyard, casting shadows against the walls in front of him. 

He blinked and he allowed his tears to fall. He didn’t know why he was crying, or maybe he did but refused to acknowledge the reason. He took a deep breath in, wiped away his eyes and quickly walked towards the door. Kyungsoo yanked it open and hurried down the stairs to the first floor, pushing past drunk people and couples. His breathing became erratic as he desperately fought through the crowd, reaching the front door.

“Kyungsoo!”

He ignored it.

“Hey, Kyungsoo! Wait up!”

Kyungsoo continued to push his way out.

“Kyungsoo! Where are you— woah, are you okay, Soo-ah?!”

Baekhyun’s concerned voice finally reached Kyungsoo’s ears.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Kyungsoo mumbled under his breath as he felt Baekhyun’s grabbing hold of his hand and pulling him backwards into a hug. 

“What happened? Soo-ah, what happened?” Baekhyun cradled the crying boy. 

Kim-ing-Jongin was what happened, God damn it! Kyungsoo wanted to yell through his tears (he didn’t even know when he started crying) but instead, quiet sobs came out which was drowned out by the loud music behind them. 

Through his blurred vision, his eyes flickered towards the second floor, to just a random window. But what he was not expecting was to see the outline of Kim Jongin in the darkness, his face hardened, the expression he wore almost looking sad as his eyes bore into Kyungsoo’s vision.
 

Do Kyungsoo got home with much difficulty as Byun Baekhyun drove him home, his warm hand reassuring and rubbing circles on his back. The moment he got to his room, he flopped onto his bed as tears were dangerously close to spilling over once again. He closed his eyes, his mind wandering to what had just happened a few hours ago. Was it a sick joke? Was his mind really playing tricks on him? Had he just imagined everything?

To say that Do Kyungsoo had a crush on Kim Jongin wasn’t exactly a lie but Kyungsoo had spent the last year observing the taller male from across the cafeteria or when Kyungsoo sat across from him during calculus or during literature.

Get over it, Kyungsoo! He was probably messing with you! It probably meant nothing to him and you shouldn’t think so much about it! His mind yelled at him, telling him to stop crying and man up, to take it as nothing more than a moment of lust that was fuelled by alcohol.

Kyungsoo tried but he couldn’t stop thinking about the way Jongin had smirked at him, the way his messy hair was tussled, the way his hips pushed against Kyungsoo’s own. Kyungsoo couldn’t stop thinking about the way Jongin’s lips felt on his own, the way Jongin’s teeth had bitten and tugged on Kyungsoo’s lower lip, the way his eyes were hooded with lust.

Your kisses burn into my skin, 
only love can hurt like this,
but it’s the sweetest pain.

“Stop it. He won’t even acknowledge your presence on Monday. Snap out of it.” Kyungsoo was whispering to himself.

He was right. Kim Jongin would probably pass him in the hallways like as if Kyungsoo never existed, his eyes would never wander across the smaller male ever again. In fact, Kyungsoo’s conscience chided once more, he probably did it to God knows how many more people before you!

It hurt. The truth dawned upon Kyungsoo. His conscience was probably right.. again. It probably meant nothing to Kim Jongin, and it should mean nothing to Kyungsoo as well, but why did it hurt so much? Why did Kyungsoo ever had the decency to think that it would mean anything at all?

And so, Do Kyungsoo went to sleep with a heavy heart as tears rolled down his cheeks in the moonlight.

But when you're not there I just crumble.
I tell myself I don't care that much,
But I feel like I’ll die 'til I feel your touch.
 

The weekend passed by fairly quickly as Kyungsoo kept himself busy, to keep his mind from wandering from whatever that had happened on Friday night.

“Are yo