Myungsoo never knew that a heartbreak could be so painful.

He never imagined that he would go through a heartbreak, the thought of being heartbroken never crossed his mind. He thought that once he found his love, it would stay forever. A never-ending love, just like in movies. Sometimes he forgot that movies were just fictions and fictions were not real. His life was a reality while movies were just an imagination. He really didn’t want to accept that. Just like how he didn’t want to accept that he lost his love and he didn’t even notice when he started losing that love.

He felt silly for crying his eyes out for days and locked himself in his room for days. It had been six days since Sungyeol broke up with him, six days since people were able to contact him. He turned off his phone (before accidentally throwing it to the wall and breaking it, not realizing that it was his phone) and ignored the knocks on his doors no matter how long they tried. He let himself drown in misery.

His eyes were puffy because he cried and sleep for far too long, his apartment was a mess because he didn’t bother to clean anything. He looked at the mess on the floor just right in front of him. He didn’t feel like doing anything, but at the same time, he wanted to do something and not drown in misery anymore. But he was afraid that if he go out he would break down in front of a lot of people. He felt weak.

He wondered, where did it go wrong? He didn’t knew that Sungyeol didn’t love him anymore. He just knew that there was nothing wrong with their relationship. What did he do wrong? He acted like he always did. Nothing changed for him, but apparently something changed for Sungyeol. Sungyeol’s love for him had vanished, while Myungsoo’s love for Sungyeol still remained. For the last six days, his mind kept replaying the memories he and Sungyeol had ever since they were in high school. Those precious memories.

Sungyeol was his first love, the one who made him realize how love felt like. And now he was the one who made Myungsoo knew how heartbreak felt like.

Myungsoo wondered what went wrong and when did Sungyeol started to not love him anymore. Maybe if he realized earlier that something was wrong with Sungyeol, he could fix it. Maybe he could fix Sungyeol, maybe he could fix their relationship.

Would that be possible? Maybe, if only he could go back to the time where everything started to go wrong and try to fix it. But that would be impossible, right?

He went down from his bed and went to his desk and then sat on the chair in front of the desk. He stared at his laptop, wondering what he could do right now. He started to miss his friends who he had ignored for the last few days, but he didn’t really want to hear their voices or see their faces. Myungsoo was sure that they already knew about him and Sungyeol, so he didn’t want to see pity in their eyes.

He sighed again and instead of finally started going out, he went back to his bed and started to mope again.

 

*****

 

Howon was not the closest person to Myungsoo. They were quite close, but they had other persons who were closer to them. People said that they seemed awkward, but that was only because they were both just naturally awkward with people and two awkward people together wasn’t the best idea. But, they were comfortable with each other, more than what people thought. Even though they weren’t the closest, but they did understand each other and sometimes they hanged out together when they wanted to hang out with someone but also wanted some calmness…because their friends were crazy and it was hard to be calm with them.

And somewhere along the way, Howon realized that he liked Myungsoo more than friends. Funny, because they got closer when Howon accidentally revealed his one-sided crush on Sungjong and Myungsoo ended up become the second person he would tell personal stories (especially about Sungjong) until his crush on Sungjong finally started to disappear…because it was replaced by another one-sided crush on Myungsoo, someone who already had a boyfriend. What made it funnier though that he never thought he would like someone like Myungsoo, because just like people said, they were very different and didn’t seem like people who would be hang out with each other often.

So yeah, while they weren’t the closest, Howon liked Myungsoo and they were close enough for Howon to get worried for Myungsoo when he first heard the news—when he saw Sunggyu almost killed Sungyeol when the boy told the group that he broke up with Myungsoo.

He knew that Myungsoo would took the break up hard. Myungsoo was the kind of person who believed in things like love at first sight (Howon remembered that when Myungsoo told him that he fell in love with Sungyeol at first sight, Howon just snorted and then Myungsoo punched him in the arm lightly) and happy ever after (he believed that he and Sungyeol would last forever, Howon wanted to tell him that there was no such thing as forever, but he didn’t.) He could imagine how Myungsoo felt right now, especially since he had felt how a heartbreak felt like. It hurt like even for him who some people said have a cold heart.

He hadn’t seen Myungsoo ever since that day, not even for a second. Everyone knew that Myungsoo was locking himself in his little apartment, some of them—including him—had been trying to contact him and even came to his apartment but totally got no answer. Howon kind of expected that, this seemed like what Myungsoo would do if he got his heart broken.

At the end, everyone kind of gave up and just let Myungsoo cope, they were sure that Myungsoo would be fine in the end even though they were still worried.

Howon decided that he needed to do something for Myungsoo, at least. He thought that Myungsoo might feel lonely and Howon knew that Myungsoo hated feeling lonely the most especially when he was sad. Even when he wanted to be alone, Myungsoo still hated feeling lonely. Howon understood that. Like when you wanted to draw yourself from people but at the same time you didn’t want to feel loneliness because that loneliness would choke you so you didn’t really know what to do. Sometimes, Howon felt that way.

So now he ended up on Myungsoo’s door at 8AM, trying to break into the boy’s apartment using the lock picking skill he learnt years ago but never put in use. He hoped no one saw him doing that and reported him to the police or something. He skipped the knocking-at-door part because he was pretty sure that Myungsoo wouldn’t open the door, just like yesterday, when he came here and tried to do that. He actually felt like a criminal doing this, but there was no other way and Myungsoo really needed to stop locking himself in this place and doing nothing. Summer break would end soon and college would start again.

It took him around ten minutes before he was finally able to open the door, successfully breaking into Myungsoo’s apartment without anyone seeing him. He was glad that Myungsoo chose to live in a cheap apartment area with low security...well, at least for now.

“Myungsoo?” he called out once he closed the door.

He wondered if the boy was still sleeping. He looked around the apartment and saw a lot off take-out food trash in various place. Myungsoo probably didn’t really bother to clean them. The apartment looked like it hadn’t been cleaned for days. Howon wasn’t a clean freak, but he wanted to clean the apartment. Maybe later, because he planned to bring Myungsoo out of the apartment because the boy probably hadn’t see the light for days.

“Howon?” He heard Myungsoo called him. Myungsoo was coming out of his room. Howon didn’t need a long time to notice that Myungsoo’s eyes were puffy and his hair was a mess. Myungsoo didn’t even bother to straighten it when usually, he was obsessed with straightening his hair. Howon wanted to laugh at Myungsoo’s messy appearance, but he felt bad because Myungsoo was probably feeling really sad and it was actually endearing anyway.

“Uhm…hi?” Howon said, awkwardly. “Sorry, remember that time I told you that I used to learn on how to pick locks? Yeah, I just used that skill…”

Better explain first before Myungsoo asked.

Should he be relieved that Myungsoo didn’t seem angry? Or should he get more worried that Myungsoo didn’t even react to what he said? He waited for Myungsoo to say something, but the boy just stood there looking at him. Howon finally realized that he probably should be the one who keeps talking.

“I bring some kimchi jjigae for you, I will put them to your fridge, okay?” He said while raising his hand, showing the plastic bag he was holding to Myungsoo. Myungsoo nodded and he moved to put them in the refrigerator. By the time he finished, Myungsoo was now sitting on the sofa, still on his pajama. Howon wondered why Myungsoo didn’t tell him to go or even kick him out after he broke into the apartment.

He sat beside Myungsoo, staring at the wall Myungsoo was staring at. Sometimes, Myungsoo looked at things like they were the most interesting things in the world, and other times, he just looked at random things while his mind wander at something else. This was probably the latter.

“Are you okay?” Howon asked, even though he knew that Myungsoo wasn’t okay at all.

“…I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I just feel miserable.” Myungsoo sighed, his body leaning on the sofa. “It was just too sudden, I didn’t expect it.”

Howon didn’t expect Myungsoo and Sungyeol to break up either. They seemed okay and happy. He asked Sungyeol why he broke up with Myungsoo and he just answered that he didn’t like Myungsoo anymore, that he probably liked someone else now and didn’t want to hurt Myungsoo more by liking someone else while still being in a relationship with him. Howon understood but at the same time, not so much.

“We are worried about you.” Howon said. Their little group that somehow formed because of mutual friends—his best friends.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Myungsoo put his head down, seemed to be really sorry about that. He shouldn’t though.

“Don’t be sorry, we know you need time. Just…did you really locked yourself here? Have you gone out at least?”

Myungsoo shook his head.

“Not even once? Not even to buy food?”

Myungsoo shook his head again and said, “I ordered the food…”

So it was that bad. Howon decided that they were definitely going out today. Locking yourself for the whole week at a room didn’t seem healthy at all, plus Myungsoo couldn’t just mope around as long as he wanted to. He still had to live his life even with a broken heart.

“Change your clothes, we’re going out today.” Howon ordered, Myungsoo stared at him wide eyed.

“Uhm…where?”

Okay, Howon actually didn’t have a plan at all.

“Anywhere, I’ll treat you anything anywhere, okay? We will talk at other place, this apartment really needs to be cleaned.”

He was pretty sure that being given free things would get Myungsoo to move. The boy loved foods. Howon was pretty sure this would bite him back later.

“…Okay?”

“Then change your clothes now.”

“But I haven’t take a bath.”

Howon cringed.

“Then take a bath.”

 

*****

 

Myungsoo didn’t put up much fights when Howon said they would go out today. He was actually glad that someone had the initiative to take him out of the apartment, because there was no way that he would go out all by himself right now but he didn’t want to force other people to accompany him. And he was glad that it was Howon. If it was Sunggyu who showed up, Myungsoo would probably get scolded and Myungsoo was not in the mood to get scolded. While if it was Dongwoo or Woohyun, they would pity him too much. So the best option would be Howon or Sungjong, they wouldn’t let him drown himself in misery too much but at the same time they would understand him.

Plus, Howon said he would treat him, so of course Myungsoo wouldn’t refuse.

They ended up on a café, eating some waffles and coffees as breakfast. They were the first customer of the café because the café just opened, they were also the only customers there right now so Myungsoo felt relieved that he could feel free to tell Howon how miserable he felt right now. Myungsoo wasn’t really sure since when they became comfortable with each other, but it was a good thing and Myungsoo didn’t mind it. They were really awkward at first when they just knew each other and it took a long time for them to be comfortable with it, even though it took Howon spilling his secret and Myungsoo spilling his fears for them to get close with each other.

Myungsoo’s head was on their table, his waffle still untouched even though he wanted to eat it. He still felt like he wanted to do nothing even though he was finally out of his apartment now.

“I really don’t know what’s wrong with me, did I do anything wrong to Sungyeol?” Myungsoo asked, still trying to find an answer why he and Sungyeol could break up. He wished that Howon had an answer, even though he probably didn’t have any. “Maybe I am too clingy.”

Myungsoo did realize that he was sometimes too clingy to people around him, wanting their affections and all. He never really thought that his clinginess would cause problems because it never did cause problems. It wasn’t like he got clingy to people he didn’t know, only to people he knew. But he realized now, that maybe his clinginess could drive Sungyeol over the edge.

“It’s not you.” Howon said, making Myungsoo looked up to him.

“How do you know?”

“Sometimes people break up with you not because of you, but because of themselves.” Howon said, while lowering his head and ended up laying his head on the table too, to see Myungsoo’s face. “Then if that’s so, then it’s not your fault, but their fault that your relationship ends.”

Myungsoo tried to process that in his head. It wasn’t a concept that he could easily understand. He was pretty sure that he did something wrong, but he wasn’t sure what.

“So…are your saying that this is Sungyeol’s fault?”

“No, I’m saying that it’s possible that this is not your fault, so you shouldn’t blame yourself too much.”

Myungsoo thought that Howon knew something that he didn’t know, but he didn’t want to ask. He was afraid that he would get hurt more when he heard the answer, so he didn’t ask. Myungsoo wondered if Howon had gotten heartbroken before other than having a one-sided crush on Sungjong. Now he also wondered if Howon still liked Sungjong and how their relationship had progressed.

“You seemed to know a lot about this.” Myungsoo said frankly.

“Well, I know how you felt,” Howon smiled at him, “I know how miserable you felt right, I bet you feel silly for feeling miserable, right?”

Myungsoo half-nodded.

“Believe me, you shouldn’t blame yourself too much because there is a big chance that it’s not your fault. You will be able get over this pretty soon.”

Myungsoo nodded-again. It seemed to be the only thing he was able to do since he didn’t felt like talking much.

“You seem to know a lot about this…are you a love expert?” Myungsoo asked genuinely. Howon laughed, a real laugh, not a half-laugh that he usually did.

“No, I just have a lot of experiences, unlike you.”

“Unlike me?”

“Yeah…a middle-school student probably have more love experiences than you.”

Myungsoo pouted, but he knew that Howon was right. No one liked him in middle school and by the time high school came he was already too silent and too shy to interact and get to know other students. Sungyeol was the first person who tried to know him and he ended up being Myungsoo’s first love. Myungsoo really loved Sungyeol because of that, because with Sungyeol he was finally able to experience a lot of new things. He missed Sungyeol and being together with Sungyeol.

“You said that I will be able to get over this soon…but when is that? I feel like I’m going to be miserable because of this for the rest of my life.”

Howon took a sip of his coffee before he answered, seemingly taking time to answer his question.

"Maybe when you feel more in love with the memories than with the person."

“Maybe?”

“Maybe.”

Myungsoo closed his eyes and sighed again for the umpteenth time today. He wasn’t sure if he loved Sungyeol or the memories of being with Sungyeol now, he just loved everything. He wanted to make new memories with Sungyeol, but that didn’t seem possible now. Thinking about past memories hurt his heart. They all seemed like bad memories now, when he didn’t have Sungyeol anymore. But he wanted to revisit those memories, maybe then he could fall in love with them more instead of loving Sungyeol.

Maybe he should literally revisit those memories. If he could.

“Howon?”

“Yes?” Howon looked at him with curiousity

“Can you help me?”

“Of course.”

Myungsoo smiled, for the first time that day.

 

***

 

“Help me to move on.”

“What? How?”

“Just accompany me for a while.”

 

They went to an amusement park.

An amusement park.

Howon thought that Myungsoo would ask him to go to a noraebang or a restaurant, but no, they went to an amusement park. One of the places he disliked the most. His hate of an amusement park was one of the things that made him could relate to Sunggyu because they both hated it. Once they went to an amusement park, Sunggyu and he ended up being casted aside because they wouldn’t take the scary rides.

But now here he was, riding the roller coaster because he was currently in a state of being unable to say no to Myungsoo, especially when the boy asked him in an earnest voice to help him revisiting some of his memories with Sungyeol, in order to fall in love with the memories more. It actually seemed silly for Howon but well…he couldn’t say anything.

Apparently, Myungsoo and Sungyeol’s first date was in this amusement park and the first thing they rode was this roller coaster.

He felt so dizzy riding the roller coaster while trying not to scream to preserve his pride, while Myungsoo beside him was screaming his lungs out. He should have said no when they were about to take the ride and let Myungsoo take the ride all by himself, but he was already frozen by the time he saw the roller coaster and couldn’t react to Myungsoo dragging him to stand in line and then took a seat on the roller coaster.

By the time the roller coaster stopped moving, Howon felt like he would puke. His face was probably pale and his hair was messy because of the wind. He could only stare blankly while Myungsoo was tidying his own hair after the ride. Myungsoo looked a lot better than he was and he couldn’t understand why.

“Howon, you look funny.”

“What?”

“Your hair is so messy.”

Myungsoo’s hands moved to his hair to tidy them, and now Howon’s stomach felt like a mess. Also, sometimes he forgot that Myungsoo was actually taller than he was, which was something he disliked. At least he got to spend some time with Myungsoo, it was good even though he felt weird all the time. And he could also help Myungsoo to heal his heart. He hated being in an amusement park, but at least Myungsoo started to look happier than this morning. He liked happy Myungsoo more than mopey Myungsoo.

“Let’s try another ride!” Myungsoo said, after he finished tidying Howon’s hair.

Howon’s heart screamed no. Because he was pretty sure it would be another scary ride because Sungyeol loved scary rides and those were probably they ones Myungsoo and him rode when they had their first date.

“How about we tried some of the machine games here, I think I saw a whack-a-mole before, you loved whack-a-mole.”

He should try to avoid the scary rides as much as could or in the end of the day he would be too dizzy to walk.

“Oh, okay, it’s been a long time since I played whack-a-mole.”

Howon smiled in relief.

They moved out of the roller coaster area and found the whack-a-mole machine right away, because turned out it was right beside the roller coaster area. Myungsoo looked quite excited when he saw the machine. He put some coins right away and started to play…really hard. Howon was actually amazed at how hard and fast Myungsoo was hitting the moles. He knew that Myungsoo was quite good at playing this…but well he guessed that Myungsoo got even better when he was really emotional and put all of his emotions to the game.

Howon looked around and saw a store selling bandanas with animal ears. He suddenly got a weird idea to buy one for Myungsoo.

And so he did left Myungsoo for a while to go to the store. His eyes directed to one of the bandanas, the one that have cat ears. It didn’t even take a long time for him to really decide to really buy it, even though the store owner was looking at him weirdly. By the time he went out from the store again, Myungsoo was already waiting for him and now Myungsoo was the one who looked at him weirdly.

‘What did you buy?”

Howon showed him the cat ears while grinning, “Wear this.”

Myungsoo took a step back, “Huh?”

“Seriously, just wear this, I think this will look good on you.”

Was he being creepy? If he was, it was not his intention. He just genuinely though that Myungsoo would look good wearing that.

“Really?” Myungsoo asked, now seemingly curious. He still looked at the bandana in horror, though.

“Yup.”

“Did you buy one for you too?”

“No.”

Why should he buy one for himself? He took no satisfaction in wearing an animal ear bandana.

“Not fair, let’s buy one for you too.”

And he was suddenly being dragged to the store again. He didn’t expect that Myungsoo would actually want to buy him one because it was not fair, maybe he probably should’ve expected it. He couldn’t imagine himself wearing a bandana with animal ears on it. But they were already inside this store and Myungsoo picked one bandana already for him and showed it to him.

“How about this one?”

“I am a dog?”

It was a dog-eared bandana. Howon never thought that he resembled a dog. He actually couldn’t think of any animals that resembled him, while for the others he could easily think of something.

“You don’t like it?”

“Ng…up to you.”

“Okay!”

Myungsoo went to the cashier right away, while Howon just stood around the bandana area. Suddenly, he actually started to wonder what he was actually doing. Yeah, he did this to help Myungsoo…but he couldn’t help but to start thinking if he had any other attentions. His brain started to tell him that this was actually a perfect chance to try to change his crush from a one-sided crush to a two-sided crush, that this was a perfect chance to make Myungsoo fall in love with him. But his heart started to scream that it was too opportunistic and that it would be hard anyway to make Myungsoo fall in love with him when Myungsoo was still too in love with Sungyeol.

“Howon?”

He snapped out of his reverie when Myungsoo called his name.

“Yes?”

Myungsoo put the bandana on Howon’s head and then smile. Howon didn’t even really realize that Myungsoo was putting the bandana on him until it was now on his head, while Myungsoo’s bandana was still on his hand.

“You look cute.” Myungsoo said, now his smile getting wider. “Let’s take a selca outside.”

Myungsoo walked outside first, making Howon had to catch up with him. He looked at Myungsoo and tried to analyze his expression. Myungsoo was definitely smiling a genuine smile, but he still looked troubled and there was still a sadness in his eyes. Howon wished that sadness would go away, somehow. But he was glad that at least Myungsoo was smiling now. At least, he was kind of happier.

Okay, for now, he decided that he should just wait. For now, he would just wait until Myungsoo had a slot in his heart. Until he was happy again.

He should just wait.

 

End