Hye-won isn't sure where things went wrong, but she's sure that it's over now.

Maybe it's all the nights she complained instead of supporting him at the studio. Maybe it's how often she got annoyed at his schedules, rather than thankful that his band was popular. Maybe it's the way she hated the secret dates and resented feeling like some dirty little secret that no one could find out about.

Or maybe it's the way he didn't keep promises, payed more attention to studio slots than plans they'd made. Maybe it's the way he was always too busy to see her, always telling her she was forgetting how popular he is now. Or maybe it's how anxious he would be during dates, more worried about getting caught than enjoying their time together.

Hye-won isn't sure where things went wrong in their relationship, but the way that his hand is barely holding her's, even as she practically clings to his fingers, she knows they're over.

Namjoon is blank, almost cold as he looks her in the eyes. That side of him that turns rational and devoid of true emotion is on and it makes it all hurt even worse. She wonders if he's fighting tears too.

"I'll talk you to later." He says, but his hand leaves hers and she feels like she's crashing. His face isn't reflecting any feelings, but she knows hers is. When he opens the door, she feels like this will be the last time he'll ever walk through it again. And, when the door closes her resolve crumbles.

Hye-won can hear that part of her, the strong part that is good at holding everything together, it's calling her and telling her to keep it together. It's saying she can do this, but the reality is she can't. She stands there, back against the wall, and tries to gather herself but the tears still fall. Everything else is cloudy, as her knees give out. What's the point of being strong?

Namjoon has never done anything this difficult in his life. No tests or auditions, practices or performances were as difficult as leaving the one girl out of the many he'd ever dated, that he may actually have loved. Still loves.

Hye-won's hand clings to his, but he leaves his fingers loosely looped through hers, his mind wandering. Everyday is a struggle that no one knows or sees, even she doesn't understand. He envies his groupmates, with their dreams and goals. He doesn't have those kind of things. Is music his dream? Even he isn't sure. Did he sell out to become an idol? Maybe ing so. Has he changed since making it big? Some of his old friends and the colleagues who stabbed him in the back would say so. With all the people calling him fake, even he doesn't know if he can disagree. How much of you is really you when you hold everything back?

In her eyes Namjoon can see agony, but he doesn't know what he's supposed to do about hers when he can barely contain his own. What reason was he doing this again? It's killing him, because Hye-won looks like she might falls to pieces and it makes him want to run away. He knows he won't be able to put her back together again.

When her lets go of her hand, his fingers immediately miss the feeling of being intertwined with hers. And, when the door closes behind him Namjoon realizes the magnitude of this all.  He puts his aching hands in his pockets and walks away without looking back. If he turns around now, he could still stop this, but he doesn't.

That night Hye-won doesn't close the curtains, she isn't even sure how she'd gotten to bed, but in the morning the sunlight is blasting on her and suddenly she realizes... This is reality.

She checks her phone and it's 10:43 AM. There are no missed calls or missed texts. She checks her Kakaotalk and Line messages, nothing from Kim Namjoon. She realizes that she's late for work, but that doesn't motivate her to get out of bed. I don't wanna get up. So she doesn't.

Her co-worker calls, but Hye-won doesn't answer. She follows up with some half assed text about an emergency and asks her to tell their manager. She could lose her job, but that doesn't motivate her to go to work either. She doesn't want to risk running into him at the broadcast company.

She swore she'd never be one of those broken girls you see on tv after a break up, but that day Hye-won doesn't get out of bed. She rotates between crying, reminiscing, and sleeping. She doesn't bother with lunch, but around 7:00 PM she decides that maybe she should try and join the living again.

She rolls out of the sheets and thinks about maybe taking a shower, but after seeing her own reflection, she takes a bath instead. No bubble bath, or book to read, or wine to drink. She just sits there in the steaming hot water until it turns cold and her fingers become wrinkly. She gets out when she realizes she's shivering.

Dinner is a lost cause, but she does recall the half gallon of ice cream in her freezer and decides that it'll suffice. Hye-won sits down in front of the TV with a spoon and the vanilla ice cream in hand, it's cliche, but she eats from the carton. Miracle in Cell No.7 is on TV, so she cries. A lot.

She listens to her saved voicemails. To corny messages, and inside jokes, and songs dedicated to her. God, I miss his voice. She looks at their pictures and re-reads their messages. She knows she shouldn't call, she fights it, but she looses. Namjoon's cell phone rings all the way to voicemail and Hye-won feels even more regret than before she'd dialed him. She cries herself to sleep.

His schedule keeps Namjoon distracted and he's thankful for that. No one brings up his off behavior or Jung Hye-won, but the tension is there and it hovers over all seven members like smog.

Bangtan's schedule today is packed. Choreography practice at the company, a radio show here, a variety show appearance there, a live stage at Music Bank, and a number of other things to be done over the course of only twenty four hours.

Namjoon is running on low, he hadn't slept the night before. Every time he closed his eyes he could see Hye-won, her begging eyes and her pleading fingertips. The sound the door made when it closed behind him, the way his hands longed to hold hers again. It makes him sick with himself.

He goes through the motions of their Jjeoreo choreography, but he doesn't put his heart into it. The other members are smiling, but the forced upward turn of his lips doesn't reach his eyes. To be honest he doesn't even try.

His mouth is sewn closed most of the radio show, but he follows his cues and laughs when he's supposed to laugh. That doesn't mean it sounds the same. The variety show is a blur of girl group dances and lame jokes. Namjoon is grateful there are six other to make up for what he lacks.

In the waiting room before their performance he finds himself staring at the clock and wondering what Hye-won is doing right now. When he gets off the stage and returns to the dressing rooms there is a single missed call on his cell phone. It's from Hye-won, but he doesn't call back.

Day two and she decides she's still not ready. She knows she should get up, go to work, and move on with her life, but that doesn't make her feel any less like the living dead. There are three other assistant PDs, she has no particular spot, and the main producer is like a sister to her, so asks for the next three days off. Next week she will be better.

Hye-won showers properly this time. Eats a real lunch, even if it's only ramen and a bottle of soju. She packs away their couple items neatly into a box. She decides to get take out for dinner.

In the mirror she knows she looks like . Normally she's well primmed, she works at a brodcasting company after all. She sees famous people every single day. But, she just can't seem to give a damn. She ties her hair up in a messy bun and goes out in her leggings and oversized hoodie. She doesn't care that the leggings are ripped at the knees and have paint on them in random places. She doesn't care that her hoodie is faded and hasn't been washed. She doesn't care about her lack of make-up.

Though coffee seems like a good idea, she stops short of the cafe near her apartment. The cafe she frequented with Namjoon during the start of their relationship. She doesn't drink coffee that day or many days to follow. Instead she purchases two large pizzas from a new parlor down the street, takes them home and eats them both. She watches a comedy and tries to make herself feel like she's alive. Ultimately, she doesn't though.

Namjoon zips through day two like a blur. He goes the motions again, and again, and again. He's smiling but it isn't genuine, he's laughing but it doesn't sound like him. Jin asks him if he's okay, he lies. Everything's fine. But, everything is not fine.

Finally he gets to sleep but then he dreams, and they're all about her. About how she looks, smiling and frowning, and that look she had two days ago, where she looks like she'll shatter. About how she sounds, when she's laughing, when she's scolding him, when she's asking him how his day was. About how she feels, lying beside him, or sitting on his lap, or holding his hand, about how empty his hand felt when he let hers go.

Namjoon wakes up in the middle of the night with a start and Hoseok looks up at him from across the room, still awake on his phone for some reason. He asks him if he's okay, he lies.

On day three Bangtan is on TV and Hye-won changes the channel the second she sees him. She isn't ready and because of that, she's glad she hasn't gone to work yet. She watches a drama and can't help but relate with the female lead in Marriage Not Dating, it also helps to admire Jung Jinwoon, but only long enough to remember she likes how Namjoon looks much better. Hye-won goes to bed early that night, but she doesn't sleep.

Day four and five become one, because after wasting the entire day on the couch, she lies awake instead of sleeping. She dreads the morning coming because she doesn't want to have to go to work. What if he has a schedule there? What if she sees him?

For a moment she's glad they weren't public, just so that she doesn't have to break the news to anyone aside from her close friends. But, then the feelings of being some kind of secret that the world can never find out about comes crashing back over her again and she cries. It's the first time in two days and Hye-won ends up staying awake until sunrise.

She has work in three hours, so she flops out of bed and stands in the shower until the hot water turns cold. After that she gets out, gets dressed, and leaves for work early. She stops by that cafe and orders a green tea latte to go, something she wouldn't normally drink. Today she will start over, today she'll be better. But, between sets, and rehearsals, and performances she has to pause for a breather and re-adjust her smile to keep it from falling.

Three, four, five, six and Namjoon is slipping. He sees her in passing between the sets of a music show and almost loses it. Because she looks small and pale, and her eyes have a hint of dark circles under them, but she's focused and seemingly fine. He knows better, the smile on her lips isn't really his, but still she seems better off than him and it makes him regret like crazy.

He doesn't want her to be hurting, but he also doesn't want the traces of him to disappear from her like he was never there at all. In the waiting room he slumps into a chair and stares lifelessly at the ceiling. Jungkook crouches down in front of him and asks him if he's okay, but the door opens and interrupts him before he has the opportunity to lie.

Jung Hye-won walks through it, a walkie and numerous files in her hands. The other members stir happily, waiting for her to wake Namjoon up from his zombie-like trance. He looks at her like she's a shooting star, all this passion and longing and aching. Why did he do this again? Even he doesn't know.

She enters, but barely looks at him, informing Jin that they're on in five. Her eyebrows furrow as she stands beside him, hands stretching out to brush his shoulder, as if to say all the words she couldn't form with . I love you, I'm sorry, be strong.

His mouth twitches into some kind of pathetic smile, but he can't force himself to make it believable when she's standing right there infront of him and is hurting just as much as he is. He takes the hand and holds it, telepathically saying all the things he wants to say but can't. This time Hye-won is the one who lets it go.

The other six gives them lost, confused looks, as she leaves the room without saying or doing anything else. "We broke up." He explains lamely, as the others burst out in surprise, but Namjoon isn't paying attention anymore. He can only think again and again about the way her back looked as she walked away from him.

For Hye-won there is no day seven or eight. She reverts back to routine, minus Namjoon. She calls up her friends, this time she's ready to talking about it. She tells them when there are things about him she doesn't want to hear and things she wishes they'd have said sooner. She starts to notice cute guys again, but she doesn't feel anything for any of them. The butterflies that used to flutter in hoards for Namjoon all feel dead inside of her and the fireworks the used to erupt whenever he looked at her have all burned out for anyone else.

She keeps their picture up at her desk at home and stares at her phone background of the two of them often. She doesn't call and she doesn't text, but she doesn't delete his number either. She still misses him, often. But, she realizes that her life is not over and if they were destined to be together then it would work itself out.

Nine, ten, and eleven and the next weeks for Namjoon are a blur. So much to the point that he looses count. Is it day fourteen or day fourty? It feels like it's been a year since that night at her door, but reality he's made it two months. He should have turned around and went back to her. He's made it this far, he reminds himself, but he's got nothing to show for it.

His first slip up is nothing really, zoning out during a radio show. But that is followed by choking up during an I Need You performance, followed by a minor incident where he nearly passed out on stage. By the time he breaks down at a rehearsal, people have started to notice and not just his groupmates. Their manager, staff, and the fans ask if he's okay, he lies. They say a lie told often enough becomes truth. How many times do I have to tell a lie before I believe it too?

One day, three months spliting up with Namjoon, Hye-won runs into Min Yoongi in the lobby and he asks her to coffee. Old habits are hard to break, so she agrees, easily falling back into the easy going girl who could easily meet up with her boyfriend's friends. Until she realizes she is no longer Namjoon's girlfriend and look on Yoongi's face is too serious for this to be one of the same casual meet ups they used to have.

She waits anxiously at a booth tucked toward the back corner of the coffee shop/cafeteria that is inside of the brodcast company. She silently hopes that no one notices them or takes pictures of them. Though she doesn't know why, because plenty of brodcast employees eat here as well as busy idols with schedules at the building. It's a common place for PDs and celebrities to have meetings.

Hye-won tries to relax as Yoongi sits down across from her and passes her a caramel macchiato, her usual order before the break-up. The taste reminds her of meeting up and the cafe near her home with Namjoon after morning runs, of autumn afternoons where she would meet him in the park and he would have a cup of caramel sweetness waiting for her. It takes Yoongi clearing his throat to bring her back to the present.

He's got this long speech planned out for her. That he knows it's awkward and difficult to see them at work, that he doesn't know what happened but he hopes that they'll talk it out, that he gets that their relationship is difficult but she needs to be a bit forgiving since Namjoon's an idol. Hye-won lets him say everything he has to say before she speaks, because her mind is racing and she needs to gather herself.

When she does, she starts off apologizing for uncomfortable for the group. It isn't her fault and everyone should have expected it to be awkward if they broke up, but she feels sorry that it's affecting her relationship with the boys as well. She misses Yoongi and Hoseok silly antics and the maknae-line has missed their favorite noona like crazy, but she avoids them for the sake of not making it weird with Namjoon.

She continues by saying that being forgiving doesn't erase neglect. No matter how many times she would forgive Namjoon for an off comment, or showing up late, cancelling again and again and again, or missing a date, that only gave him room to do it again. If she forgave him a thousand times then he messed up a thousand and one. A situation where only she adjusted to him, only resulted in the situation they were in.

Hye-won closes the conversation on the matter of working through it. "There isn't anything to talk out. He chose this, I just let him go." Yoongi's right eyebrow twitches before they both furrow in confusion. "He broke it off?" She nods, finally leaning back comfortably in the booth, coffee mug craddled in both hands. "Then why's he the one acting like someone died or something?" She doesn't understand him at first, because he doesn't elaborate, but that's very Min Yoongi style as is. Hye-won gets with Hoseok a few days later and asks for the full version.  She doesn't like what she learns.

It's an off evening in the middle of the week where they had a mostly empty schedule, when Taehyung answers the door to her standing in the hallway outside of their door with her hood pulled up over her hair. Hye-won has take-out tucked underneath one arm and a convenience store bag full of drinks in the opposite hand. The 4-D member squeals out in delight and crushes her to him, nearly making her drop the food.

"Kim Taehyung, I'm going to spill the take-out, you ." She says plainly, already immune to the boy. "I missed you so much, Noona!" He whines, taking the styrofoam boxes from her and yanks her into the dorm. The Hyung-line was already aware she would be coming, but Namjoon and the younger members had no clue. Screaming down the hallway, V's announcement has Jimin and Jungkook dashing out of their room at full speed. Hye-won is sure to put down the bag of sodas before the one boys charge her head on and tackle her into a group hug. She's not upset though, she hugs them back whole heartedly. She missed them too.

With six members gathered in the living room that only leaves Namjoon. She gives Yoongi a look before taking a take-out box from the stack and making her way to the latter's room. From the hall she can faintly hear a mellow Drake song crooning through the door of his bedroom. Hye-won knocks once before walking right in. Namjoon is normally fairly clean for a boy, but his room is a mess for his standards and he's lying face down on his bed. He doesn't look up even when she places his food and soda on his nightstand, knocking to get his attention. It doesn't.

"You should really be eating, Namjoon." She comments. The sound of her voice has him shooting up off the mattress. She's standing there in black skinnies, a neon pink button down top, and an oversized jacket. Her hair is tied up in a ponytail and she's only wearing BB cream, but he thinks she's never looked more beautiful. She'd probably come straight from he guesses.

He almost can't believe she's there, but she sits down beside him on his bed. "Did you decide to join the living then?" She questions. Namjoon is grasping at straws, trying to find the right words to say, but he only manages "You're here." lamely. Hye-won nods.

There's this moment of silence before they both attempt to speak at the same time, he suddenly blurts how sorry is. How much he regrets it, how he wants her back. She cuts him off. "Listen to me, Namjoon. I'm not here to get back together with you." His heart falls into his stomach and he can practically feel his nervous system crashing.

"Now hear me out first." Hye-won can see him shutting down, so she places her hand on his and holds it. That seems to get his attention. "If I'm the only person that's made progress then nothing would change for us. I can't be the only one making sacrifices and always forgiving, or things willl end up like this again."

Again? Is she implying she wants to get back together? Namjoon's ears are buzzing and he tries to focus. "I want to be with you, but I can't be the only person who's trying anymore. Whatever it was that had you holding back, you have to fix that on your own. I want you to fix yourself and gather some goddamn confidence before we try and work things out together."

Getting his act together turns out to be the hardest thing Namjoon has ever done. He thought he had a good head on his shoulders, but it turns out the brightest of stars also have the darkest of shadows. He takes his time finding himself and realizing that doubting yourself is normal. That you can take criticism and use it to better yourself, but if you hole it up inside it can take it's own shapes and eat at you. That thinking is healthy, but overthinking can be the fall of yourself. He comes to terms with his faults and tames his demons. That being an idol does not mean he's not an artist. That the phrase sell out is only used by people that have something to sell. That any changing he made was toward a better self. That his dream was only doing what makes him happy. And he knows there two things in the world that make him very happy. Music and Jung Hye-won.