They Go So Fast
Dreams Come SlowDo you really think there's only one perfect mate? Luhan did. His parents had been together for 27 years and were still just as in love as they had been when they first got married.
Luhan wanted that. He wanted to find someone he liked and date them on his own terms, without the publicity, without the backlash of angry netizen fangirls, without the whole world caring that he was an idol, but also gay. That's why he left.
Well, one of many reasons.
It was a hard decision to make--those that involve loved ones always are--but Luhan needed to give himself his best chance, and staying with EXO--no matter how much he loved s and his fans--wasn't it for him. He needed freedom--to rest and regrow and find happiness again--and Luhan found that in Prague.
He'd grown up there--as a native Chinese kid from Seoul, being an expat was nothing new to him--and Prague's winding streets and centuries of history still appealed, even after Luhan had returned to Beijing and eventually made it big in Korea. He'd never gotten the language--Korean was enough for him--but he'd never needed it because Prague spoke straight to his heart.
Luhan liked the man he was in Prague. He liked that no one knew his name. Liked that he could get lost In Prague's dark corners and hidden alleys in a way that he couldn't as Luhan from EXO, even though Luhan knew from experience that Seoul had its fair share of corners and alleys, too.
On good days, Luhan found that he didn't regret his decision to leave--to run away from his life instead of working to change it. His parents were supportive of him regardless of where he lived or what he did; Luhan just wished his fellow members were as understanding.
On bad days, the hurt on their faces when he's announced his departure haunted him like a household ghost--familiar but dreadful all the same. He wasn't a masochist, per se, but on those types of days, Luhan relished the pain he caused because it was reciprocal and he felt like the guilt seeping through his being was more than well deserved. It did little to make up for his choices, but he liked to think his suffering somehow helped.
Most days, though, were neither particularly good nor particularly bad. They just were. Kind of like Luhan, actually. Those days were spent in mundane ways like grocery shopping or house keeping or wandering the familiar streets of a city that reminded Luhan of the home he'd found with s. His brothers.
Luhan was a product of the single child rule, so the few sweet years with EXO had always felt a little bit too out of reach and a little too good to be true. Each one of them had enriched Luhan's life in uniquely individual ways, and he often caught himself searching for that same fulfillment in his new life, despite realizing that things would never be the same as when everyone had been together. Occasionally, Luhan would be lucky enough to find little glimpses, and that was enough. It had to be.
He'd been in Prague a few months when he heard from Kris for the first time since the latter's departure from EXO four months prior to Luhan's own. There had been a postcard waiting for Luhan when he'd gotten back from an early morning stroll on the Vltava. It carried a Canadian stamp and three words, scrawled in Yifan's messy penmanship: It gets better. Luhan wanted to believe that was true, but he didn't think he could.
Kris was the only person from EXO to contact Luhan since he left, and he wasn't even a part of the group anymore. Luhan wanted to assume the company was the reason, but he also knew how deeply he'd been hurt when Yifan left, so if the others didn't want to talk to him, Luhan could at least understand their reasoning. That didn't make it hurt any less, though.
What surprised Luhan the most, especially on the normal days when his mind was the clearest and his memories the least tinged, was Sehun. They'd been especially close, him and Sehun, so the utter lack of contact was jarring at first. Now it just made Luhan a little wistful and mostly sad. He hadn't known their separation would be this painful to him--Luhan thought he saw Sehun as a brother, like all the other members. It had been a hard realization to wake up one day and find that the love he had for Sehun was far from platonic or brotherly.
Still, Luhan knew that leaving had been the best choice for both of them, especially since Sehun had made no secret of his feelings. Luhan had always cared about public perception, even before EXO's debut, but Sehun had never bothered. "All that drama's just too exhausting to deal with," he'd said to Luhan more than once. "I like you, hyung, what else is there to care about than that?"
Luhan wished sometimes that he'd just accepted one of the many times Sehun confessed; maybe he'd still be in EXO, but maybe he'd be happier, too. Not that Luhan wasn't happy in Prague, because he increasingly was, and eventually Luhan discovered that Yifan was right--things get better. Life moves on.
As part of his healing process, once he could read about and think about and remember EXO with more than just depression and bitterness, Luhan tried keeping up to date on their activities. He had coffee with Yifan when the latter came to film his new movie; he watched the occasional YouTube video of their Christmas performances; he smiled with pride when they did well, and cringed with anxiety when one of them was hurt or sick or not doing too well. Luhan loved s and would never wish on them what he and Yifan had gone through. Not in a million years.
Luhan had already spent two seasons in Prague when he read that the company was giving EXO some much needed time off before the group began preparing for their next comeback. It was March by then, and Luhan had always thought that of all the months in a gear, that was the one most in need of a holiday. In his heart he wished them well, but did not dwell on the individuals or the ways they'd spend their vacations. He wasn't one of them anymore, and if Yifan's behavior and advice was anything to go by, it was time for Luhan to say his final goodbyes, not just to EXO, but to Prague as well.
You need to stop hiding, Luhan told himself. Six months away from real life is long enough to get yourself together; now go back into that world and show them who you've become.
So began a farewell pilgrimage to the place that had sheltered and covered Luhan when he'd needed it the most. Prague had been a refuge, and he wanted to pay the city the respect he felt it deserved. Luhan gave himself two weeks--coincidentally the exact length of the remaining EXO's holiday--and booked himself a one way ticket back to Beijing to strengthen his conviction.
Luhan went to the quaint cafes, the age-old statues, the church gates, the quiet courtyards, and ingrained each one into his memory like he wished he'd known to do with the many quirks and characters of s. He saved his favorite place for last, and spent 12 of his 14 last days pretending to be a tourist in a place that had stopped being novel to him a long time ago.
On the 13th day, Luhan packed himself a cold lunch, shrugged on a warm parka against the cold March wind, and walked from his flat to the Lennon Wall. Luhan loved the wall because it was a repurposed emblem of an unsavory past, and something about that resonated with him. He'd been there so many times that he could tell from memory which inscriptions were new and which had been in Prague longer than he had.
More often than not, there was a street performer out in front of the wall, and Luhan loved that, too. It reminded him of who he used to be, of the life he used to live, and he believed he could relate to the artist's struggle on a deeper level than most of the tourists who just wanted to look at pretty rainbows painted over an ugly concrete wall. He stood in front of the monument for what felt like hours, letting the scent and feel of Prague wash over him as he read over the writings for the last time. When it got too cold to look and his legs were too tired to stand, Luhan hid himself in a close by cafe to eat his lunch and warm himself before he ventured back again.
When he'd rested long enough, he returned to his spot of observation, noticing that the singing guitarist from the morning was gone and had been replaced by a lone boom box, with no performer to be found. Luhan shrugged--it wasn't his business if someone wanted to leave their equipment in public for anyone to take--before closing his eyes against the wind and letting his mind drift. He reflected on his life in Seoul before Prague, on his life with EXO, on this self-inflicted solitary confinement, and on the life he wanted to make when he returned to China. As he leaned against a nearby tree, eyes still shut against the weather and the memories, Luhan heard the faint whispers of a guitar from what he assumed must be the no-longer abandoned music player. He recognized the song almost instantly--"Let Her Go" by Passenger had long been one of his and Sehun's favorites--and Luhan let himself imagine how happy he would be if Sehun were with him, there, in Prague.
Luhan opened his eyes as Passenger sang his last chorus, and he thought he must still be day-dreaming because there was no way that Oh Sehun was in Prague. Or at the Lennon Wall. Or right within Luhan's grasp dancing to a song that both of them loved. It wasn't possible, but now that Luhan had imagined Sehun there, it was too painful to imagine him anywhere else.
He closed his eyes again, trying to erase the beautiful image from his mind, and turned away from the dancer and the wall, angered that his favorite place was now tainted with memories that could never be forgotten and pain that could never be completely escaped.
"Luhan," he was surprised to hear a familiar voice call his name and stopped in his tracks in hopeful wonder. "Wait!"
Luhan retraced his steps, turning to face the dancer he now knew was most definitely Sehun. He looked into his ex-member's eyes and saw sadness, but also something else, and Luhan hoped that it was maybe something like love. "How--wha--it's impossible," Luhan whispered, almost reverently.
He let himself be swept into the arms of a well-remembered embrace, and didn't realize he was crying until he felt the years being kissed away and tasted the saltiness of his sadness as it transferred from Sehun's lips to Luhan's own. After an eternity but not nearly long enough, Sehun removed his mouth from Luhan's but tightened his hold on the smaller man and rested their foreheads together. "Hyung," Sehun breathed out, "I found you." He was crying too now.
"I've been here for two weeks, but I was afraid to look at first," he admitted. "I thought that you wouldn't want to see me, that you leaving EXO meant that you had wanted to leave me too."
"Never," Luhan replied vehemently. "I love you, Oh Sehun. It's a little too late for emotional realizations and romantic declarations, but I think I've always loved you." He kissed Sehun softly before apologizing. "And I'm sorry, so so sorry."
"I get it now, hyung. You had to leave for you, and I wanted you to be happy and to be better, so I left you alone. But then we had some time off and Kai went to see Kyungsoo-hyung's family--they're together now, did you know?--and I wanted--no, needed--to find you. To make sure you were okay. That you were happy." Sehun shared, breathing heavily.
"I thought coming here would make me happy," Luhan confessed, "and honestly, before I saw you today, I thought I was."
Sehun gazed adoringly down at the shorter man in his arms, still not quite believing that he was seeing Luhan again and that Luhan loved him, even after all this time. "Well," he said, smiling against Luhan's lips, "I'm here now, and I'm not letting you go again, so if you have to leave to search for your happiness somewhere else, we're gonna go together."
Luhan didn't see a problem with that, and he said so. He realized that being with Sehun was going to carry a lot of the same baggage and issues as if Luhan were still an idol himself. He realized though, that his parents had been together for so long because they'd chosen to stay in love, chosen not to run away when things were difficult, chosen to remain together even when they felt world's apart.
Since Luhan really did believe in the existence of a person's perfect mate, and felt like it was only fate that could have brought Sehun to Prague right as Luhan was leaving, Luhan figured he could make that choice too. He would chose Sehun like his parents had chosen each other, like he'd once chosen to leave EXO, like he'd then chosen Prague. These days, Luhan's life was difficult choice upon difficult choice and sometimes it felt like every decision he made turned out to be a bad one.
Not Sehun, though. The decision to love him was never going to be a bad one. Not for Luhan at least.
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