He isn’t like Woohyun, he doesn’t understand Sungyeol and he isn’t like Sunggyu either, at least leader has the ability to reassure. He most definitely is not Myungsoo and can never be a comfort in the form of physical needs or emotional. Howon knows Sungyeol deserves the whole world and more, but he knows he isn’t able to give it to him either.

They never interact much and when they do it isn’t anything special. Fans do not scream with excitement when they talk to each other or walk side by side like when Howon finds himself in another death grip of hug by Dongwoo. Maybe it’s just because he and Sungyeol aren’t very touchy (but there Sungyeol goes hugging Myungsoo and kissing Sungjong and Howon burns with something different from anger) so they never feel the need to show excessive amounts of skinship or even establish a fanservice routine with each other.

Sometimes Howon finds that he dotes on Sungjong too much or allows Dongwoo’s touches to linger longer than they should. He wonders if that’s okay, if between him and the other two there are no such boundaries and he shouldn’t think too much about it. But then hesitation always sinks in when it’s Sungyeol he has to touch or talk about. Should he say something endearing about the other? Perhaps keep his arm slung over his shoulder? Howon isn’t sure if he can even look Sungyeol in the eyes anymore.

This invisible wall between them is killing him, making his body ache in more ways than one and he’s mortified about how he should act or how he needs to respond when he and Sungyeol are thrown together. He lets what comes naturally flow in during interviews or shows, a sharp tongue and a judgemental face become his Forever Mask and the black inkling of disappointment only hurts a little whenever Sungyeol builds up that wall again.

Howon doesn’t get the light teasing Woohyun gets. He doesn’t get the witty comebacks or the playful hitting. He’d be lucky enough to even get acknowledged at this point.

He’s rational enough to know that Sungyeol does not hate him, they have carried conversations before, been alone in a room together, even showered with each other once when they were tight on time. He knows Sungyeol is genuine with him and he quite likes this when he knows how often the other has to fake a smile or pull up an excuse whenever leader questions his lack of sunshine. Howon doesn’t know if anyone else gets to see how tired Sungyeol really is, how loose he becomes once it’s just him and Howon. Sometimes he thinks that Myungsoo or even Sungjong see these hidden patches in Sungyeol (maybe he reveals this weak points to them too?) but they never seem to, or at least they act like they don’t. Howon isn’t too sure because sometimes in the long car rides home, Sungyeol will lean into him instead of Dongwoo or anyone else and it feels nice when they sit like this.

Alone time with Sungyeol is what gets Howon going. Like when he stays behind with Howon and Dongwoo to watch them practice or when he joins Howon and Woohyun in their visits to the gym. It isn’t real alone time, but it feels like it when Howon pretends the extra person isn’t there.

He isn’t good with words (or maybe he’s too good) and there are times when he can’t utter a single word to Sungyeol (even though he manages to pour secret after secret out to Sungjong) and he feels absolutely lame about it but hey, at least he’s trying. Howon doesn’t know if he and Sungyeol are the ‘least closest’ members but he’d like to think otherwise. They’re close in age and that counts for something, right?

At night when they’ve practiced really hard and have been exhausted to the bone, Howon swears he can hear Sungyeol sniffling back tears. Sungyeol would usually cry in the living room, lights out and pillow tucked underneath his chin. Sometimes when Howon woke to the sound of soft sobbing, he wanted to sit close by Sungyeol and wrap soothing arms around him (but how do you be soothing and how do you approach Sungyeol like that?) and other nights he’d hear Sunggyu step out and say a few awkward words of comfort before ushering Sungyeol back to bed. Howon wishes he could at least do something like that. Instead he lays awake in bed, staring at the ceiling and missing those nights when Sungyeol would cry in the living room.

Maybe there’s something comforting about Howon afterall. They all see each other break down, collapse into deep sleep, and even lose themselves in alcohol. But there’s something different about the way Sungyeol lets go around Howon, something about the elder that tells him it’s okay to let your guard down. Howon isn’t sure, but he’s always glad whenever Sungyeol decides to show the brightest side of his smile to Howon instead of the other members.

When Sungyeol reads a particularly nasty comment about him online, he withdraws so deep into himself that no one’s able to coax him back into his usual bouts of laughter or even get him to properly focus on anything aside from the wall for more than five minutes. Howon is the most lost of them all. They all have methods of healing for Sungyeol, all members seeming much more closer and connected to Sungyeol than Howon could ever dream of. Howon can only muster a small, “Don’t worry about it Yeol.” And Woohyun calls him heartless.

He has a heart though, and it’s breaking at the sight of Sungyeol.

Howon pretends to be strong, rough around the edges and snarky. But he’s weak, he’s impulsive and immature and weak. He ran away from home and dropped out of school and says whatever is on his mind. He doesn’t think things through and feels useless when it comes to aiding others. It’s like no matter how much weight he can lift at the gym, he’ll never be strong enough to protect whats dear to him and maybe those thoughts get to him more than they should. Sungyeol is beautiful and all things bright and glorious, such a radiant human being who’s been downcast by the scum of the Earth and Sungyeol deserves the whole world and so much more and Howon wants nothing more than to give him all that, but he can’t.