Thoughts were rushing through my head as Yoongi was sitting beside me on my bed. It was like this every single day. Yoongi would come over and hang out with me, which was okay because he's my friend, but not for the feelings that I felt. He would barely touch my arm when we laughed together, and my arm would tingle from where he touched it.

It scared me to even think, what if I liked him? No, I didn't. It's just my hormones. At least that's what I told myself. It had been like this for a year or so. It happened when a group of our friends were playing spin the bottle at a party. Yoongi spun the bottle and it landed on me. I was still playing around, so I laughed thinking that it would be funny for our friends to see two guys kiss.

I thought it was all fun and games, but then, he kissed me. I felt like my whole body was on fire when he kissed me. I felt my lips spark, and when he backed away, my lips felt numb. Inside, I thought about kissing him longer, and that scared me so much. I wasn't gay. I have to tell myself every single day that I'm not gay.

I cried myself asleep at night. Thoughts zipped through my mind. What if people found out about the way I fantasized about Yoongi? What if Yoongi found out? Would he find me disgusting? These thoughts went through my mind every day for the past year.

Secretly, I've been taking some pills to make my mind forget. They wouldn't actually help, but I let myself believe that they did. When it was really bad, I would take a lot more than I usually did. Sometimes, it would work, but most of the time it didn't.

“Jimin,” I snapped out of my thoughts and looked to my right. “Jimin, I've been calling your name multiple times now! What are you thinking about?” Yoongi slapped my arm and laughed. He didn't know that that touch made me miserable. I got up from the bed. I couldn't sit next to him now. He looked at me confused. “What are you doing?”

“Um,” I hesitated. “I need to use the restroom.” I quickly walked to the bathroom, and closed the door. I looked in the bathroom mirror. I hated what I saw in front of me. I'm a filthy aren't I? No! I'm not! I'm not! I opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the closest pills I could find. I poured out a handful and popped them into my mouth. I couldn't be like this. It needs to stop. My hands trembled. I put the lid back on the pill bottle and placed them back on the shelf. I closed the cabinet door and stared at myself in the mirror for what seemed like forever. Then, once the pills started working, I decided it was time to go back into the bedroom.

Yoongi was still on the bed and he was playing a video game. He heard me coming so he said, “Did you fall in?” He chuckled at his own joke. Stop laughing. It hurts. Everything you do hurts me.

“Funny,” I pretended I was fine. Like I did every day. “No, I just had to take a .” I laughed. It hurt worse than his laugh, because mine was fake. I just wanted to be a normal high school boy who dated all the hot girls, not someone who fantasized about his friend every damn day.

Yoongi got up from the bed and came over to me. I was frozen. I wanted to back away, but how could I when this beautiful man was in front of me. My eyes were locked on his, and they wouldn't look away. I felt a weird pain in my chest as he was only inches away from me, and then it all went black.

* * *

I blinked my eyes three times and looked to my right. “Jimin! You're awake!” I smiled weakly. “What the hell is wrong with you? Why did you take so many pills? Did you want to kill yourself? Why didn't you say anything to me? Why didn't you tell me you were depressed? I could have helped you. I could have let you cry on my shoulder.” Yoongi was crying for me. And that hurt more than anything he could have done.

I was angry. I was angry at the words he just said to me. “You,” my hands were shaking. “You couldn't have helped me,