My name is Do Kyungsoo. I am twenty-two years old and I was a fool.

Eight months ago, in november 2014, I fought myself with all the theories I've learned behind long desk. It was the first battlefield that corrupted a half of my beliefs. I spent four years on being sharp and compromising, faithful and trustworthy, alive and enlighten. Although as a human I lacked sometimes, but for him, it was a different story. I wandered through million probabilities, trials and errors, pros and contras, obeys and denies, in order to search for an absolute answer. Only one answer.

At first, I thought I found it.

We met in november 2010, virtually. A popular social media became the most valuable discovery of technology as we crossed path. The first impression was an amusement. We mocked each other to the core, competiting our knowledges, crashing our interests, teasing our characters, arguing our thoughts and... we connected. Later on he introduced himself as a sophomore in Daegu High School and I told him that I was a senior in Kyungnam High School. We both nodded in acknowledgment because history and our schools were a beautiful mix, which everyone in our region bowed unto. Fate, he was only two days younger than me; was born on 14th January 1993 while mine was on 12th. Being born on the same month made us stumbled to each other more and laughed in it that we forgot we actually lived three hours and eleven minutes away from each other. We talked, talked, talked until grandfather's clock sang monotone bass chords to lull his children to sleep. And mocked, mocked, mocked a little before sunrise smiled to sleepy schoolers and tensed adults. 

His name appearead brightly everytime I scrolled down the blinking red at the corner of my cell phone. It was too fast for acquaintances to actually have intention to get to know better by exchanging private numbers in a mere week after the first encounter. Let alone, a virtual acquaintance. But he was so gentle and so close when he begged to differ and nonchalantly asked for my approval to walk deeper into my life. It was his proposal and my feelings bursted out, like fireflies being released from a breathless jar; escaping cruel jail of fright and more fright. 

Because I was a brokenhearted and a loser to my own world.

But fate, again, whispered me a pointed poem, knocked on my conscious to welcome my unconscious. Beyond scars and black holes, my heart was still craving for warmth and comfort; someone to care; a safe haven, a secret vault; a home. I was soaked in its beauty, chocked on its sincere and amazed on how simple it could just struck my brokens. 

There would be one person who would walk into your life, eventually claim your heart and soul. And your insides flutter, your eyes widen, a part of your logic squeals in joy; then you know, that he's the one.

A smile grazed softly as I stared at his name again; reminiscing our old bickers before eventually he received a place in my life. It was smooth, it was simple, not a fancy restaurant nor a dufty letter. He asked only one question, it shouldn't be any different.

Yet it did. He's different

In a week of our friendship, Kim Jongin's the one.

***

It took six months to make me realize that I had not paid attention to his feelings, when he gave me the first scar for holding too tight onto my own fairy tale.

We became so, so close to the point that we were inseparable. To the point that I knew his blues and his flaws. We were open book to each other. He shamelessly told me every single thing about his life, from the little dust to the huge mountain. He shoved me to his cupboard and taught me his own little world that in my eyes, it was magnificent. Out of my senses, I blurted my own history too to him, more than I could ever have. I have always been a little over tougher than the society and too silent for my own sanity. Something in the past made it worse that even to those who I claimed as best friends were being held by several more shields that I wore. That was the thing you could assume as "total trust issue", because there was no single soul I could lean onto. Everyone else saw me stood still that they couldn't overlay my cracks. But Jongin...oh Jongin. I just lost my senses with Jongin.

Yet I failed to catch the other side; that every good thing walked hand in hand with bad thing. That it was special, when Jongin could only be true to me; his talents, his thoughts, his craziness, his sympathy, he himself—but that included his heart. 

Truth to be told, it was from Kim Jongdae; who became my disguise at keeping an eye to my dearest. He played the role of annoying older brother who liked to play around about his younger brother; knew nonetheless that I only would caress the latter's heart sincerely. Thus, he answered me bluntly without any sugar-coated lies that would hurt me more than it had been, as one day I asked about Jongin's whereabouts. He pictured a basketball court and two birds declaring their loves and stole one's first kiss. Jongdae went further with details as Jongin came home with lovestruck lines scratched all over his tan-contour and abruptly trapped his older brother around his arms to show the world that he was content with happiness.

I should have been too, but the big bang was too loud. I became deaf for cheerings, I became numb for grinning, I dimmed under his glowing heart. 

I knew Jongin snatched his brother's cell phone to notify me that he had returned. He told me he would take a quick shower and would start bicker with me as usual. He promised me another poem that I already knew beforehand from Jongdae. I stared, stared, stared, wishing the words to run backwards and erased the bitter truth. But it didn't. It stayed. It carved all over my senses. For the first time in six months, I regreted being special. I regreted knowing every edge of his name, I regreted memorizing every notes of his guitar, I regreted tasting every sweets of his mouth. Because that night, his words turned to a knife. A painful knife.

'His name's Baekhyun. Yes, he's my first.'

And my old self returned. The skins that Jongin had peeled grew again, even thicker than the last time I left it at the corner of my eyes. My fingers laughed, but my lips cried. I sang him congratulations, but my insides wailed grief and sorrow. When I thought I was only one step closer to the trophy, I was actually never joined the competition. I was only the spectactor. I was only the friend. 

In sixth month of our friendship, Kim Jongin's only a dream

***

He did not last long with Baekhyun because three months later, he released his dearest's departure from this fatamorgana after the said boy lost to blood cancer. Jongdae told me Jongin almost broke his father's silver vault to fly to Italy where Baekhyun heaved his last breath.  Jongin ran away to the place only he knew, leaving me and Jongdae with dreading hearts. Jongdae was immensely frantic that he imagined the worst. His prossesiveness towards Jongin made me shrink deeper into my pillow because that meant serious. We talked through his whole trip at finding Jongin. He kept chanting his worries and cursed to every cruelty of this world, which dared to put their hands on Jongin's shoulder and weighted him down. 

I should have been astouned but my heart was dragged along screeches Jongdae made in every turn points.

'He's nowhere!'

I was sure my heart almost leaped out of its cage. Beating too fast, breathing too erratic, sweating too much, I could barely feel my own brain. Like yellow blitz froze in the middle of cables, numbing the functional brain and demanded to fade away. I bite my lower lip too hard that it tasted like cold iron. I grasped blue linen underneath that the fibers tangled between my nails. I knew I should have been the one to try to ease the tension or at least presented a little comfort as in all of this circle, I was the supposed best friend. But I couldn't helped. I was frightened.

For the first time in nine months, I lost track and could only picture black bird of my own best friend. No, it's Jongin, I meant. A teardrop fell and stained pale cheeks when Jongdae went too furstrated to keep going. The last sentences I heard were his curses and a 'I'm going home'. I gasped and quickly slapped my mouth that ajar. The other line abruptly stopped and only sickening monotone sound that answered my panic. I quickly dialed back Jongdae's number but his phone was out of reach already. I wanted to cry aloud, wail, scream, but only silent sobs escaped my lips because it was so, so scary. In between horrible scenarios, I reminisced our times together. How beautiful our friendship bloomed despite the distance, regardless any matter. How our meeting was picturesque that led us to treasure each other more than enough. His antiques, his cleverness, his shamelessness... 

Please, just please, it's so wonderful; he's muse, he's joy, he's...everything. 

My vision got blurred in mere seconds and ugly pink lines popped inbetween my fingers as I held tight to the higher power above, praying, begging—anything that Jongin would be safe and sound.

Jongdae 19:48 : Kyungsoo, he's home.

A bunch of relief washed over me as that one, single message appeared on my cellphone's screen. I released a long breath that reeked of worries, fright, panic, and many more adjectives related. A small smile formed my lips; and it grew bigger when my heart started beating normally and sitting comfortably at ease. I sent my grateful to Jongdae and asked him to do anything it took to engulf Jongin in comfort, telling him that everything would be alright. I closed my eyes and nodded my head above; pushing my knees closer to my chest and my ears closer to my heart. From those all, I realized. 

I would be okay to only be the best friend, as long as his presence lingered around me.

In ninth month of our friendship, Kim Jongin's treasure.

***

In November 2011, I made a remarkable promise to Jongin. It was the most devastating moment for both Jongin and I, but moreover for him.

After Baekhyun lost to blood cancer, this time Kim Jongdae lost to brain cancer. None of us saw it coming, not even Jongin. A week before Jongdae's death, Jongin told me he was at hospital, accompanying a sick person. I asked him who the sick person was, and he told me it was his own older brother. Jongin was always poor at words, but rich at words; nonetheless, I knew everything about him. So when he asked me that afternoon, when he was sitting next to a sleeping Jongdae, I knew he was immensely worried. His parents did not inform him anything regarding Jongdae's condition, so I could safely assume that Jongdae said no words along his history of illness. Jongin witnessed blood gushing out of Jongdae's nose that consumed his older brother's consciousness before he ended up in hospital. He sounded desperate and in urge to know what happened to his brother when he asked me what the meaning was, when someone bleed from right nose and constantly had headache at rear head. For a second, my heart stopped beating. Jongin knew I knew the answer immediately—for I had been dreaming to be a doctor since centuries ago—and he must have expected a certain answer to his wonder. I gulped hard, contemplating to spare Jongin's sanity or just being a good best friend I was supposed to be. But well, I knew, even without contemplation, I could never comprehend lies to Jongin.

I decided to across another path and being the positive soul I had always been. Yes, I was closed, caged, locked for myself, but that didn't mean I was too secured to actually welcome good vibes. If anything, I was the good vibe itself and an epitome of motivation for others. So I gave Jongin two diagnoses that most likely close to the truth; that from headache part, Jongdae might suffer from anemia; but from bleeding from right nose part, Jongdae might suffer from brain cancer. A pregnant pause filled the distance for the longest time before Jongin sighed heavily. He probably was staring at Jongdae's face as holding his own tears because I heard a little choke at the back of his throat before he continued speaking to me. His voice afterwards was nearly crack.

'Soo, I think it's cancer. It's been going for so long.'

A year and a half, Kim Eunhyuk—a cruise's sailor who had passed several years after his middle-age; their father—told Jongin inbetween grief glints and trembling strength in front of Jongdae's grave when everybody else had walked home. I was on the other line of the phone during the whole ceremony because Jongin begged me to stay by his side. For the first time in a year, I heard him cry. He whimpered when he told me he was afraid. He saw Jongdae everywhere, wearing his favorite suit, pale and smiled. Jongin stated that Jongdae asked him to come with him to their secret haven and I needed to wake Jongin up from those illusion. I needed to hurry before Jongin was totally absorbed and lost his sanity at all, although my chest also constricted with pain because Jongdae was as important to me too. I cried after Jongin cut the line.

Jongin became distant to everyone even two weeks after Jongdae's absence. I had hard time reaching him too in the first four days before he himself approached me by sending a normal chat. I knew him inside and outside, I knew he wanted distraction. So I gave my all to be brighter than the sun so I could enlighten his soul that surely was darkened by such huge misfortunes that cruelly attacked him twice in a year. But maybe I was too bright that his mother, Kim Hyoyeon, recognized our close and unintentionally mentioned me as Jongin's lover as she asked Jongin to send her graateful to me because she thought I was the cause of Jongin's return of smiles and more smile. Jongin whined as his mother kept teasing about us and asked me to stop talking to him because peoples got the wrong idea. Jeez, this little . I returned the favor by saying that I would cut our connection forever and he should forget that I existed. But at the mention of existence, Jongin's style of writing changed. It was dark, distant, lonely. 

I immediately regreted my stupidity.

Jongin 14:21 : No, Soo. Don't leave me. Who would be with me if it's not you?

I felt like I was punched by a leather sack full of heavy coals. In the middle of lone street and dusty wind, my legs abruptly stopped walking. I stared for the longest time to his message. It was so simple, it was.....

No, not because of the one based on romance, but it was much, much bigger. It was my realization; an equilibrium of our friendship; the core, the foundation. A gentle smile grazed softly and I dialed his number. In the third ring, he picked up and greeted me with his mild voice—I promised him an eternal company, no matter what.

In a year of our friendship, Kim Jongin's promise.

***

Jongin had always been exceptionally handsome. His tanned-skin, his firm jaw, his cresent eyes, his lean body, his proper height; a perfection. He was the basketball captian and the famous dancer. He could play guitar and piano gracefully although he was lacked at singing. But he did not rank at the bottom of the chart because his voice was fairly mild and flew just fine. Despite my feelings towards him, my ears judged him right and could accept several recordings he sent me in form of voice notes everytime we had our jamming time. He was the school's idol, the girls'—and boys'—number one prince, the teachers' favorite. He was that type who was born genius so he should not bother to work or study with blood and sweat because everything would be handled under his hands in no time. He earned the almost perfect point in his final exam and was graduated with the highest honor of his high school. I, well, I received the third-high honor from my high school.

For he possesed too many talents in one body, he owned many love confessions from his admirers as well. He swayed two ways, as he ever theoritized. He was biual and simply overlooked one's beauty. I must admit that his lovers were very, very pretty. All of them. I recalled a name, Jung Soojung. She was glorious; with her small face and matching eyes, long and smooth brown hair, pale skin that glowed with pretty eye smile, equally tall and incredibly talented at dancing too. I knew I have also admited defeat to my own battle because I have thrown my feelings towards him at bay, but my insecure grew much bigger than it was before and I sank to the pit of hopelessness and helplessness. I shook my head once more and slapped both of my cheeks; I was the best friend.

Yet Jongin seemed to never let me to be used to my own resolution; that I would pay a little distance from him in order to safe every party that included in one's relationship.

The rule would always roll the same. One had a lover in his right and friends around. Best friends slipped between the circle because their duty was to support in every side possible. But they never to cross the line and went deeper than there, where was reserved for a lover. They're obliged to care and love in portion, time in divide, feelings stayed inside heart. But Jongin, ah Jongin. Maybe it would be better if I never let my feelings bloomed from the first time.

We would always talk, talk, talk from the sunrise to the almost sunrise. I saw his name when I first opened my eyes in the morning, and it was his joke too that lulled me to sleep. Only when it was school time that we loosened our knot for a while so we wouldn't fail at classes. But when I went to a little district in Mujin for five days to complete my last high school's project and was isolated from connection, or when he went to a-week-trip with his family to Paris and clumsily left his cell phone at home, he would barge my shield with 'you took so long!' and 'I miss you so much'. I thought those crazy intensity would decrease once I entered college. Eversince I travelled from Busan to Seodaemun to pursue my dream in Yonsei, I barerly had time to even breath. Yes, despite my critical attempts to release Jongin's affection towards my heart, medical school's no joke. 

But Jongin, he's indeed different.

Jongin 15:30 : Soo, I'm home early.

Jongin 16.15 : I'm going to play basketball.

Jongin 18:06 : I've just done playing, going to eat with my friends. Are you home?

Jongin 18:27 : Heish, where are you?

The rythm went on and on and on. I lost count already. For the first time in a year and a half, I could not enjoy Jongin's flow.

It had become a torture for me. His confession remained loyal everytime I asked him whether he had a lover or not. It was always a 'yes, I have'. But our conversation about his love life would come to an end with me only knowing the name, the looks and how they met. With me, he never discussed any love problem. With me, he only wanted to talk about him, about me, about our friendship. With me, he could talk about every single thing in this world although it sounded too weird, too boring, or simply didn't make sense; but never, never about love. I knew everything about him, at the same time I didn't. I refused to assume that he was playing with my sanity as he did not know my true feelings towards him. But why? Why he treated me like a lover when he owned one already?

I wouldn't know.

In our a year and a half friendship, Kim Jongin's a confusion.

***

Saying 'I love you' was a habit.

No conversation between us, whether it was via phone, via chat, or video call would end without those three words and eight letters. At first, I felt my heart would explode out of nervousness as it was hammering too hard for Jongin's first 'I love you'. My hope rocketed and I almost assumed it was a confession. I almost fell into glitters and sparks to celebrate a miracle that I had been waiting to become true. But Jongin voiced nothing afterwards. We kept going on and on yet he kept having a lover whenever I wanted to confirm my reality. It was wrong and it hurt, a lot. He made me float, flying endlessly trhough cotton clouds and blue sky with him; only then to be sacrificed unto gravity and be to the ground. I reached my highest point then. My energy had all been drained by mental battle inside my heart. I had been dwelling too much in misery that it gave me no chance to inhale even a single breath. It had been too long, but I didn't want to welcome bad sights. I didn't want to blame it on him. I didn't want to leave him. I had promised him. 

So I tried; I crawled slowly to find someone else. Anyone but him.

I made it to three relationships for the next a year and a half.  I couldn't lie, I made laughters with them too, I found joy with them too, I treated them properly, as how a lover should be. It was a compromising turning point when I found myself less talking to Jongin and savoured my true quality time with my own relationship. But whenever my relationship came to an end, I couldn't help but going back to Jongin; in every single of my relationship. My feelings were begging for his embrace, my heart was craving for his name. I yelled inwardly. I punched my chest repetitively as hard as it could be. My brain demanded to stop but my heart rawly refused. Stop, stop, please stop!  I didn't want to love him.

I didn't want to love him that way. 

I became frustrated. I turned to be someone else, to the point that I desperately begged another close friend of mine to hold me. I nearly never asked for a favor. I was too independent, although I was content with it. But, I was close to shatter and would probably never be alive anymore if no one wanted to my wood even for a while. I only needed a little space to mend my brokens, to heal my scars, to bring back my sanity. I, who was sharp and compromising, I, who was faithful and trustworthy, I, who was alive and could enlighten. I, who Jongin knew. But a reprimand from Amber Liu made me stop on track. She said it was useless trying to deny those butterflies in my stomach. It would only slice more painful scars along my heart because I lied then to myself. Above all, lying to own-self was the most dangerous crime, the most excruciating suicide, the most immoral value. 

I was stupefied. No matter how hard I tried, I would always come back to Jongin. 

In two years and a half of our friendship, Kim Jongin's irresistable.

***

I met Jongin for the first time three days before my flight to Germany. Although Jongin lived in Gwanak to attend Seoul National University, he always failed at the last minute. It was always a visit to parents, family-trip, first year's projects or the most irrational was, he fell asleep. But one of our attempted redenzvous failed because of my ego. Jongin had a lover named Oh Sehun that time when we tried to reschedule our meeting. It was almost christmas and I thought we could spend his frist christmas in Seoul together, remembering our long historical friendship that kept blooming despite us tied knots through virtual world. 

'I'm going with Sehun, okay?'

Ah, I should have known.

Truth to be told, I have predicted it. I saw it coming. They were new couple and I couldn't blame them for having subtle hands that intertwined with each other, blaring heat that warmed the smiling lips and reddened cheeks. But I didn't know what get into me until I lost my mind and exploded. I was angry, I was even furious at Jongin. I accussed him for not being fair, that he didn't treasure our friendship as much as I did, that he selfishly prioritized his lover than his best friend who was always there for him in days and nights, stormy rain and sunny sunshine. I cut the line abruptly and messed my brown locks desperately. Still in anger, I forcefully tapped on his name and wrote all of my disappointment and sadness that welled up to the surface in messy structure. I roared here and there, connecting incoherent things that were produced out of composed disposition. 

Jongin was lost at words and we grew apart. It was the first time we both hid beyond eclipse as no one dared to break the ice. Not to mention, it was our first fight and it was huge—and incredibly nonsense. A massive wave of regret pushed me hard and I surrendered underneath. Two days afterwards, I sent him another long message. My regrets bursted out and I explained every detail of my false to him. I didn't expect for his forgiveness because I knew it was wrong. That's why I didn't call him in the first place and just waited patiently for his heart to tolerate my sin. My worries, however, weighed down not in that point. I was anxious over his assumptions. The fight could mean anything—that included a possibility about my feelings towards him. I indeed have told him about my preferance to friendship than relationship because it's them who would always cover my back. But probabilities would never come to an end. I was not prepared to welcome Jongin's songs as an answer, yet.

But I was not prepared more to Jongin's silence.

For two whole month he unchained our connection and left without track. I tried to message him every minute, dialing his number every hour, gambling my luck to catch at least his shadow at every corner of the city. But no, he was nowhere to be seen. 

I couldn't help but blame on myself even more. Jongin might be too disappointed with my behavior that he erased my name from his memory. My chest constricted with more and more pain every single day without him. I thought it was the end. I lost him at last.

But he came back.

'I know you're going to Germany on June.'

It was almost March when those words slid through my skin. It sounded so dark, so distant, so lonely, just like in early days of Jongdae's death. I bite hard on my lower lips. Guilt ate me up because this was actually the main role. I was too consumed in my misery that I failed to notice I was the one going to leave him. Jongin begged me another chance and promised me he would not fail me this time. Without second thoughts, I agreed.

Jongin was magnificent. Those photos never lied when they sang me lullaby and story me how goddess Jongin looked like. He was a lot more handsome in person than in my dream. Jongin smelled like mint and a little sweet lily. His was slightly taller than my imagination, made me have to cran my neck upside to appropriately talk into his eyes. His tan-skin was inbetween mild and rusty but strong and built like a dancer. His antiques, his crokiness, his talents, his personalities, everything about him matched to those on screen. His voice sounded nearly the same, only clearer and milder than what I heard through cables. We immediately struck in sync without having to struggle along stages of awkwardness the society always told us when we met face-to-face with someone we knew from virtual world for the first time. Since the beginning, we only presented our most-inner skin and appreciated each other's true beauty just as equally.

So I knew. I knew when Jongin turned my shoulder and stared into my eyes for eternity; the glints in his eyes were ready to fall; the dreading heart that carried sadness and reeked of loss; sweets of care; embraces for a treasure—he was indeed my best friend.

'I will miss you. Take care of yourself.'

I didn't want to go.

In our three years of friendship, Kim Jongin's true.

***

Ten months passed by without Jongin, again.

He always disappeared when I had reached the highest peak of my feelings towards him that I thought I could burst and be diced into pieces. 

Not long after I left Korea, Jongin erased everything about him without notifying me anything, left me bewildered and tongue-tied to the sudden inexistance. I barerly knew his other friends and those I knew couldn't help much because they were just mere schoolmates. I was sure I went crazy that time. Our first meeting was still fresh in memory but Jongin decided to play rude and threw me out of his life. Just like that. Nothing left for me, not even his scent.

But he came back.

I did not understand. Why did he do it?

Jongin didn't have chance to answer because the moment he returned, I lost my senses all over again. He appeared so abruptly, strangely, very unpredictable. Just his name barged me with endless dots and commas, question marks and exclamation, hurt and joy.

We repeated our start. He reactivated all of connections and we crossed path. A single message popped out in my social media. I couldn't believe my eyes to the point that I thought my hallucination got worse. But Jongin showed himself even more as he asked me to have a video call with him. There, I saw him safe and sound, his pretty eye smiles, his perfect with teeth, his picturesque composure. It was him;  Kim Jongin, my best friend.

The look in his eyes was for a longing heart. He touched his screen and said 'I miss you so much, Soo.' His voice was soft and hypnotizing, so alluring and oh, I missed him so much. I tried to hold my tears but it fell freely at the moment Jongin chanted the same spell over and over again. He demanded me to raise my chin and look into his eyes. A warm smile grazed pefectly at his plump lips. His cheeks reddened a bit and he looked shy yet determined. There was also a mix of anxiousness and a little hope reflexed from his voice. But all of that vanished with only a sentence.

'Kyungsoo, will you be my boyfriend?'

My eyes widened to its limit. My mouth were open in full notion. I couldn't hear my own heartbeat. Was it dream? Was it real?

I stared at Jongin. I stared, stared, stared. I tried ro find something; an excuse to wipe away those insanity and I could go back to my own life in peace. But Jongin stayed the same. His eyes were sincere, his mimic was worried but full of hopes.

It was beyond crazy. The past ten months was nothing but torture. There was no single day his pictures did not cross my mind. In every corner I stepped, I would imagine I was having a conversation with him in my mind, imagining his antiques if I asked him how he saw that big ball of chocolate snow sprawled over a backery's window. I was still engulfed in contradiction to the fact that Jongin had dismissed my presence.

But there he was. Confessing his burried love to me that had started blooming since 2012. Expressing his longing to my embrace. Proposing my heart to be placed on his hands. When I asked him why, he reminded me again why we were together in the first place.

'You treasure friendship a lot. I was afraid. I didn't want to ruin our beautiful friendship. It's wonderful, Soo. But I can't hold it anymore. I love you. I love you dearly. I love you like a man.'

A knowing smile framed my lips. My insides got electrified and I felt giddy. It was the longest sentence he ever combined with a pearl from the bottom of his heart that he gave me without price. My smile grew bigger and I broke into laughter. Although zillion microscopic particles separated us, although many oceans barricaded our ways, at that moment I knew. All those struggles, all those pains, all those misfortunates, ended up gracefully in this point; in our first point. We were meant to be.

Yes, Jongin. I love you.

-26th of April 2014.

In our three years and four months, Kim Jongin's love.

***

Well, it's apparently not the end.

Like every relationship, ours didn't differentiate from others. We argued, we had misunderstandings, we put untrust to one another, moreover because we lived so far away from each other. Jongin was exceptionally handsome, everyone knew. Boys and girls drooled over him and although I could call him mine, there was a part of me that still couldn't rest in peace. Kai—Jongin's twin—would often inform me that Jongin's sanity went beserk every once in a while. He smoked and drunk a lot. He ever spent a whole day with a high school's dear just to search for an antique motorcycle as he was famous to be expert at those things. But he nonchalantly left his cell phone and would never regret for not saying a word to me. Not only once he went clubbing with different partners and stayed overnight in their places, also without his cell phone in reach. Whenever he came home and realized that I existed, he would say 'I did nothing. I only accopanied them.'

The cycle kept going and I began doubting his love to me. The whole relationship began to shatter and looked like the construction began to crack. Jongin had changed to be someone I never recalled. It was strange.

I tried to confront him once. In our five months as a couple, I spilled my worries and disappointment, accompanied by fright and bitter past. Jongin knew my parents divorced because they failed to keep each other's trust and their holy vows to keep going together in any condition possible, although the cost was their own life. I was always afraid to start a relationship ever since. I nearly dismissed the exitence of love. But I told him, that eversince I met him, my other window opened and all of sudden I could see sparkles in blue ocean and comrpromising horizon dancing with the whole presence of love. Jongin's voice was so soft like ice cream and he promised me loyalty; that his love would never fade away and our love would keep glowing and growing until beyond the avenue. 

But words, were just words.We broke up twice not long after we had that conversation.

On August 2014, I went back to Korea only to found Jongin slept with another guy named Xi Luhan. That incident caused our second huge argument that costed our relationship. Jongin stated that he was drunk and was totally out of his mind because he was missing me too much. I was too furious to buy his explanation so I crashed my lips roughly, sloppily, forcefully to those plump lips that had been haunting my every night's dream. Jongin was taken aback by my sudden outburst. But it only took four seconds for Jongin to forget the world and loved me eternally. That night, I lost my first kiss and my ity to the one male I truly love. Tears and sweats collided with flames of million emotions. I cried on top of his tonned-chest, staining his muscular composure and a little on white linen that smelled like mint and a sweet lily. That night, Jongin regreted his flaws and promised me a lot more love.

Yet again, Kai came up with a painful story.

Lee Taemin, the name of the guy who had exchanged Jongin's loneliness with a little spirit in that ten months spaces of my absence. The latter was also there when Kim's family lost their beautiful queen in a car accident. It was a cruel reality, remembering Jongin had lost so much in such a short time. But then came a saviour in a form of fair main with kind smile. My heart began to be soaked and blood slowly flew from its scar because I knew, I had just lost again. On October 2014, Jongin cheated on me by going back to Taemin. Kai had warned me before to keep my heart and stayed away from Jongin for a while because Jongin had been dwelling a lot with past, but he didn't expect for Jongin to actually crossed the line and betrayed the love that I've always had for him. I was hurt. I was terribly hurt. I could not comprehend the emotions in any language. But I told Kai that it was okay, that I understood Jongin's situation although I had missed a lot of history when Jongin disappeared out of my sight. Kai, however, went furious and immediately drove to Taemin's place and dragged his twin out of his affair's.

After some beatings and hurtful mocks, Kai apologized to me instead for not listening to my wail. Before he ran out of me and left me at the coffee shop, he told me he would give lessons to his ungrateful twin brother for hurting me. I knew it would be bad because we boys play harsh. I couldn't say anything. My heart was dreading too much that my whole body stopped functioning. I should have been grateful because someone just stood up for my right, fought so hard to deliver my love, sacrificed his own connection as twin brothers . But I was numb. I was too afraid for Jongin.

The worst scenario of all then occured when Jongin tried to end his life because Taemin broke up with him. Kai called me and practically begged me an answer to that chaos. I remembered Jongdae for a while; Kai inherited Jongdae's possesiveness too. And like Jongdae's alert, Kai's signal was also reeked of urgent matter. I told Kai to bring Jongin to SNU Hospital in Boramae and I would handle everything. Jongin was rushed to ICU because there was too many blood all over his body. He lost quite big amount of blood and needed to be stabilized intensively. I requested a pyschiatry to follow up his mentality as it was obvious he just attempted suicide. 

I didn't know Jongin anymore.

I was afraid to see or even get closer to him and talked. Although a lot of bad things had happened between us, my feelings towards him never shatter. My heart only knew him ever since we crossed path for the first time. His guitar was still my greatest lullaby, his sweet words were still my favorite candy, his glorious composure was still my highest muse. And things went downhill and I knew Jongin was far from those bad habits and behaviours. 

I adored him Kim Jongin. I simply admired his existence. My heart's sincere to caress his fragile but to strenghten his composure too. I only wanted to be someone for him. I only wanted to be by his, always. I wanted my Jongin back. I love him, I love him so much.

'Kyungsoo, he misses you. he wants to see you.'

A week later, I finally stood up in front of his room. I scratched my left arm as anxiousness was pumped to every direction of my body. Kai encouraged me and gave me a little kick on my legs. I stumbled inside and almost clumsily chopped off the IV drip that gave Jongin liquid of life. Jongin smiled as his eyes' tail caught a glimpse of my shadow. He gestured for me to take a long stride and be as close as it could be. I needed to hold my breath to resist the urge to laim his lips. I continuously chanted to myself that Jongin was no longer mine and I was dropped low to acquaintance. But a long and cold sleeve wrapped my neck and I felt warmth and wet on my lips. It took me ten seconds to loose sanity and welcomed Jongin's proposal; to feel his desperate and regrets. I was filled with million emotions once again and it was all Jongin's. I craved for him and he begged for one more chance.

He came back. He came back to me.

'I love you, Kyungsoo.'

So there I waited;

In the middle of november 2014 when sky darkened by five. Leaves had been falling since a little over a month ago and painted the streets with orange and red. The clock was ticking, kind of mocking an anxious heart behind trembling ribcage.

Maybe it was okay;

To give another chance and trusted him like how we used to be, before four other her promises that had vanished. We were friends, though. Best friends. I did my boundaries, I acknowledged my limits and I knew my capability. But then we were lovers, who had to ride rollecoaster of love that let us fall freely without safety and forced us to climb back without wheel. He built promises and smashed it again with his own hands. I played the role of a lover, who kindly gave chances over chances because I was too much of a fool.

I was too much of a fool...

There I waited;

In the middle of doubts and hopes. Maybe(s) were my hum, sweet words were my rope—he's my home.

Kai 17.45 : I didn't know about his visit to yours. He's on the way to Taemin's.

My name is Kyungsoo. I was Kim Jongin's stranger. I was Kim Jongin's best friend. I was Kim Jongin's lover. I am Kim Jongin's past.

And I am still a fool, because... 

...........................................I love him.

Listen to this song while reading :)

Like A Fool : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LFiPqAwIkQ