(Krystal - "All of a sudden" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hueiPIMicDs)

 

 

 

 

Wendy walked back to her dorm last night, in the rain, in her drenched clothes. And it wasn’t something she would do normally. She was a careful girl. She was taking her time clearing her mind and cleansing it with the heavy rain.  

 

 

So she got sick, quite naturally. She was all dizzy when she went to bed after a hot bath. She regretted wearing so little but not the part when she was casually pacing in the rain. Because she was confused, by herself mostly. She should indeed be relieved, or maybe a little happy, as she has finally “liberated” herself from her relationship, and Mark gladly agreed to do so too. 

 

 

Still, something wasn’t right, something was missing. She was so desperate to solve Irene’s mysteries that she was actually overwhelmed by the older girl, rather than the fact that she just broke up.

 

 

 

She was totally lost. And she was so tired.

 

 

As she laid her heavy head on her soft pillows, she drifted off to dreamland in no time.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

“So you’re awake.” Someone greets her as soon as Wendy opens her eyes again. The Sun is up, it’s another day.

 

 

She rubs her sleepy eyes and starts to feel the hangover, spreading from her head to toes, making her all wobbly. But she can still see Irene’s alabaster skin so clearly, just next to her bedside, basking under the morning sun.

 

 

 

“How do you-”

 

 

“I am a tutor, remember? I can get past the security easier than you thought.” Irene calmly explains and fiddles with a towel. Then Wendy notices her basin being placed on the nightstand, next to the tutor’s cap.

 

 

“How did you know-”

 

 

“I saw you last night.” Irene knows exactly what Wendy is going to say. 

 

 

 

The young girl sits up while fixing her bed hair. Oh, she must look terrible waking up like this. How long has Irene been here, watching over her again? 

 

 

And her voice comes off as feeble as a thread, unlike her usual power vocal on stage. “T-thank you.”

 

 

“You’re welcome.” The tutor stands up holding the basin and towel in her hands. “Well, I should get rid of these as you don’t need them anymore.”

 

 

Wendy has been trying hard to orchestrate her questions before the other girl returns. She has so many things to ask her.

 

 

 

“Does your head hurt?” But Irene throws a question at her first when she resumes standing beside her bed.

 

 

“It’s better now.” The brunette nods and hugs her knees. “But you left last night. So how did you see me?” 

 

 

 

“I did leave the party yesterday.” Irene’s expression softens a bit. “But then I spotted a silly girl wandering on the streets, with no umbrella. So I thought she’s going to get sick and I know she lives alone in the dorm.”

 

 

She also knows something’s different than she expected when she saw Wendy. Why would she do so if they got back together? At least, he would be there too. Isn’t that something a boyfriend should do? Or, someone who loves her should stay with her, right? That’s how Irene thought.

 

 

She quietly followed the half-drunken girl until she was sure that she had returned to her room safely. But she came back when it’s early morning. She didn’t really sleep. She was so worried about this silly girl. She kept her movements light, trying to let Wendy get her beauty sleep. Yet she frowned so hard when she touched her burning sweaty forehead. She wondered why she had to torture herself like that as she gently wiped her face with the cold towel.

 

 

 

“I’m so…... sorry.” Wendy’s soft voice and her tug on her hand pull her out from her flashback. Irene was startled by the sudden contact but she manages to recover in a second. “I was just… trying to clear up my mind.”

 

 

Irene’s eyes are bored on the brunette’s hand that is gripping on her left waist, and mutters, “What’s in your mind then?”

 

 

“I don’t know.” Wendy lies. “Can you help me with that?”

 

 

Irene looks at her and wiggles her wrist out from her grip. Oh, jealousy strikes. She remembers he grabbed her hand like that too. “How?”

 

 

 

She awkwardly retrieves her hand and places it on her knees, “I thought you know me well.”

 

 

She stiffly adjusts her standing position as her legs are getting sore and throws the ball back to the girl who is still sitting on her bed, “You thought I know you well?”

 

 

Wendy flashes her a smile, “Yes.”

 

 

Irene looks away, “Oh. How flattered.”

 

 

 

And Irene misses Wendy’s pout hearing such disappointing answer. The young girl has a difficult time distinguishing Irene’s words as sarcastic or just ice cold. And she can’t help but thinks maybe her crazy hypothesis is right.

 

 

She knows it could be right from the moment she woke up seeing Irene looking back at her. To be honest, it feels great. Irene might appear to be cold but Wendy could feel her warmth always embracing her so silently. 

 

 

 

“You haven’t laughed out loud for once,

Are we that awkward with each other?

We had gone through so many things together,

But you haven’t given me a single look nor a single touch.”

 

 

 

“Do you know what happened last night after you left me there?” Wendy makes up her mind and keeps on talking.

 

 

“How am I supposed to know?” It’s Irene’s turn to lie. Of course, she knows Wendy well. Of course, she knows what could have happened last night.  

 

 

 

Wendy smiles again, “We broke up.”

 

 

But Irene reacts so unexpectedly, she raises her voice and seems to be angry again. “It’s why you risked your health last night? Because of him?”

 

 

“No!” The younger jumps a little from her bed. “This is totally incorrect, Irene...... unnie.”

 

 

“Then why?” The said girl is still huffing flames from her nostrils. 

 

 

 

“You should answer me first - why are you mad?” She finally stands up from her bed and the other girl is just a few inches away from her. And her limbs are still wobbly.

 

 

She looks up and could barely control her urge to hold her in her arms, “Because you’re hurting yourself.” How she wants to protect her from everything else in the world but she might end up hurting her with her love. How judgmental people could be.

 

 

 

Wendy shuts for some minutes and Irene is calm again. Well, the answer is quite clear now. At least for Wendy.

 

 

“I don’t know what you’re thinking about me now, but,” Irene breaks the dreadful silence in the room. “You’re probably right. And don’t misunderstand me, I am not asking anything from you. I just want to see you safe and sound.”

 

 

 

Wendy takes a short glance at her before getting back to her “mediation”. She hugs her knees tighter and even buries her face there. And she just can’t say a word, is blocked as well as her brain.

 

 

“Wendy,” So Irene puts on her cap, and speaks again marching step by step to the door. “I just want you to take care of yourself.”

 

 

 

And it finishes with a bang as the door closes. And Wendy is left alone again. 

 

 

She doesn’t move or even fidget for the next few hours as if she’s really mediating. She isn’t ready for the impact. And she is battling against herself, within her tiny body and tiny head.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Irene runs back to her safe haven, feeling totally regretful. She shouldn’t have said those words even if Wendy tortured her with boiling oil or an electric chair. Although the kind and gentle Wendy would never do so. She just can’t resist her and it’s her doomed faith.

 

 

Witnessing her reactions, she feels like she has ruined everything. How could she face her again? Irene would rather she slap her face or kick her out from the room or reject her directly than drown her in stillness. 

 

 

 

What kind of answer is that? She has pushed her too far that she has said those things she shouldn’t have. Then there’s nothing. Nothing happens and it’s exactly what kills Irene. She could move on if she said no. In an ideal way of course. And she would have a closure for everything, after a year of vainness. She is left hanging there. She is hanged, nearly to her death.

 

 

She too buries herself under the covers and tries to get some sleep finally. She just hopes it’s just a nightmare and time could go back. She thinks Wendy is scared. She thinks Wendy is disgusted. 

 

 

 

She is burying herself in the worst scenario she could ever think of until a bear brings her to a warm embrace.

 

 

“I’ve heard everything. I’m here.”

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

Wendy doesn’t even eat when it’s approaching noon. She doesn’t care. She just wants to get over with whatever that is keeping her away from her sanity.

 

 

She is losing her mind with all the people leaving her. Even Irene left her, twice. But if Irene doesn’t, what would she do actually? Could she return her feelings?

 

 

 

Now, she knows why. Irene was jealous, Irene was worried, Irene likes her. And she has to admit that Irene hides it well. Oh, Irene, Irene, and Irene. For Wendy, she is one of a few who care to understand her, the girl under the smiling face. 

 

 

But then Wendy finds herself not knowing Irene at all, the girl under the cold face. Like, why would she fall in love with her? For how long?  

 

 

 

Wendy is frustrated. She is recalling every single word Irene’s told her and it starts to make sense gradually.

 

 

 

“I won’t cry out loud,

But I can smile just like I always do.

So even if all I have are scars,

I can smile just seeing your back.”

 

 

 

So if she feels so attached to her, does it make her…... gay? She thought she’s straight. Although she doesn’t firmly believes so. It is challenging her uality. Irene is challenging everything she’s ever known. So is it the reason why her relationship failed? It’s because she doesn’t swing in the right way?

 

 

Or is she merely projecting those things and fantasies onto Irene?

 

 

 

Irene is right about her. She doesn’t know what she wants. She has been trying to be the girl people want her to be. And it isn’t her. She is becoming someone she isn’t. Wendy is disappointed at herself. She can’t even make a decision.

 

 

 

And she finally realizes, “I love you” could be said in many ways. And Irene has already said it so many times. Just not in the form of that three words. In those little gestures and her words and her eyes. She lays there all day. Until there is a guest at her door and much to her dismay, it is a tall girl with a bubbly face.

 

 

 

“Unnie, are you okay?”

 

 

Wendy drags her feet to a chair, “How I look then?”

 

 

Joy puts down a plastic bag on the dining table, “I bet you haven’t eaten anything since last night. Come and eat up.”

 

 

“I’m not hungry.” She mumbles and stares at the floor blankly.

 

 

 

“I know what you’re thinking.” Joy chirps opening the bag and taking all the food out. “I’ve gone through the same thing as you. And I think you’ve known the ending already.”

 

 

Wendy steals a quick glance at her, “Do you know everything?”

 

 

“Yes, I do.” The young girl shrugs. “But I can’t tell you everything I know. I have to respect my dear Irene-unnie too.”

 

 

The brunette then resumes thinking. 

 

 

Joy shoves a box of fried rice to Wendy’s hands and squats down to her eye-level, “Listen to me, unnie. I’m not here to tell you what you should do. I just want you to ask yourself a few questions.” The older girl’s hands are clutched tight onto the box so Joy continues, “Who do you see whenever you close your eyes? And who’s there when you open them? Do you ever listen to your heart?”

 

 

 

Wendy tardily opens the box and eats. Joy sighs and eats with her. 

 

 

Joy had received a text from Seulgi saying that Irene isn’t fine and maybe something may have happened between the two. So she bought food and paid her a visit. Food can brighten one’s mood, no? And now Wendy is eating but she isn’t saying anything. She had a hard time considering whether she should accept Seulgi’s confession before. She knows it is never something easy. But the gentle yet dumb bear has given her a lot of reassurance. So she said yes and they are doing just fine. 

 

 

Seulgi is too good to let go of and it’s hard to find someone who loves you that much.

 

 

 

Wendy feels slightly energized after consuming the food Joy bought. And they aren’t spicy at all, which she’s glad. And she hopes her brain could function a little better now. But what if it goes against her heart? “Sooyoung-ah. Thank you but I want to take a stroll alone.” She stands up and cleans the table.

 

 

“Leave it to me, unnie.” Joy sweetly smiles. “Just go.”

 

 

So after waving goodbye at the gentle giant, she steps out of her dorm and wanders around like a ghost.  

 

 

She is walking aimlessly, without a destination, but she’s seeing something so she keeps walking.

 

 

 

“I can see you everywhere in the world,

But you’re so gloomy just like you always do.

I carry only one person in my heart,

And I’m only looking at your back again,”

 

 

 

The Sun is almost down when her footsteps again bring her to the familiar convenient store. She stands at the exit for a while thinking maybe Irene would magically appear just like the first time they met. 

 

 

She peeps inside and it’s even the same dude cashier. Or, perhaps Irene hates her now. 

 

 

She is the reason Irene’s hiding herself from anyone else and now she has left her bare after forcing her out of her shell. What kind of bad person is she, for doing such a thing to someone who loves her that dearly?

 

 

 

“Wendy.” She turns as someone taps on her shoulder and it’s not the person she hopes it'd be.

 

 

“Oh, hi.” She greets him in a friendly way still.

 

 

 

Mark surely has noticed how Wendy looks currently. She looks tired and it ignites a slight spark of hope in the bottom of his heart. “I didn’t know you’d be here.” Maybe Wendy has forgotten. It’s not far away from their memory lane. It’s also the reason why Wendy would bump into Irene in that convenience store that day. 

 

 

“I was taking a stroll.” She slurs mindlessly. 

 

 

 

“Me too,” He steps closer to her smiling warmly. Maybe he got something wrong. And she is too occupied to notice that. “You just left me there yesterday. And now I see you again. What a coincidence, don't you think?”

 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

 

“Wendy,” He frowns a bit as she is puzzled. “I know we just broke up but-”

 

 

“Yeah?” She looks up and meets his inviting eyes.

 

 

 

“There’s something I want to do.” He takes a deep breath. “One last thing.”

 

 

“And?” She knows he’s acting strange but she’s a kind person so she plays along. All of a sudden, he then lifts her chin and kisses her. She struggles a bit and pushes him away on the shoulders.

 

 

“What’re you doing?”

 

 

“I’m sorry. I won’t bother you anymore-”

 

 

 

All of a sudden, someone drops something on the floor. The two turn to the source of the noise and it’s a tall girl with mono-lids eyes which are widened to their maximum witnessing the incident. She’s just about to enter the store. But there ain’t anything next to her feet. Oops, looking farther, there’s a phone on the floor and beside it stands a shorter girl with a cap, who is standing behind the taller girl, making her hard to be seen.

 

 

“Great.” Said the taller girl in a very sarcastic tone.

 

 

“Can we go now?” The shorter girl pulls her cap lower to cover her face. “I don’t want to buy anything anymore.”

 

 

“Anything you like.” The taller girl glares at the two.

 

 

The shorter girl picks up her phone and yanks her friend’s arm, “Come on.”

 

 

 

“Irene,” Wendy calls eagerly. “Please listen to me.” And Mark is looking back and forth at the girls, feeling confused.

 

 

“You should just tell me.” Irene nips on her lower lip. “You’re ing mean, Wendy. Do you know that?”

 

 

Seulgi pats her arm, “Didn’t you say we should go? Let’s go, Joohyun-ah. We’ll go home.” And she secretly gestures Wendy to hold her horses since she knows Irene’s on top of her anger and she won’t listen to anyone or anything right now.

 

 

 

“No. I’ll go mine, you’ll go yours.” Irene rashly flings Seulgi’s hand away and starts walking on her own.

 

 

“Call me when you got home!” The tall girl shouts as she watches her friend taking a powder away.

 

 

 

“Well, I should go too. Bye.” He timidly voices out after such a drama. He might not know the details. He just knows no matter what just happened, he shouldn’t be involved ever again.

 

 

Wendy impotently waves a little. “See you.”

 

 

 

As the boy’s figure disappears at the corner, Seulgi folds her arms rather impatiently. “Now explain. Or else, I can’t save you.”  

 

 

Wendy looks at Seulgi as if she’s her lifebuoy amidst the oceans of chaos, “Just help me fix this.”

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

“All of a sudden, within my falling tears,

All of a sudden, I comfort myself saying it’s okay.

I know that you won’t come now,

So I’ll deal with it on my own, goodbye.”

 

 

 

Irene tosses her precious cap as she once again shuts herself from the world outside. And it falls hard on the floor just as her tears. 

 

 

She seldom cries and she didn’t cry when she was “rejected” earlier. She controls her emotions well, maybe a little too well. So she is “suppressing” herself sometimes. And the only side-effect is, she’ll break down if she ever loses control. So she’s now laughing and crying at the same time, which makes her look like a possessed person and an exorcist is urgently needed.

 

 

Oh boy, how did she know she would witness such a heartbroken scene when she headed out for some fresh air and some snacks? She was not prepared despite the incident this morning. Wendy told her they broke up and they kissed? Man, she is definitely going insane sooner or later.

 

 

 

And Seulgi’s words echo in her head. “She needs the time to deal with all those things, Joohyun. You can’t expect someone to throw herself to a girl after dumping her boyfriend. I bet Wendy doesn’t even know she is a bendy straw. You shouldn’t give up. You have come too far.”

 

 

“No, Seulgi.” Irene painfully shakes her head and hoarsely whispers to the said girl, or herself, or the other girl she loves, “It’s time to wake up. She’s not my fairytale and dreams are only meant for sleeping.”

 

 

As an ordinary person, she also needs someone to turn to but she doesn’t want anyone to see her in such a messy state. Her parents kind of despise her uality and isn’t that close with her since she has come out when she’s about 14. From then on, she is a tough girl taking care of herself.

 

 

 

“Irene-unnie! I know you’re there!” Someone shouts outside her door and keeps knocking on the poor object. “Although the lights are off. I know you’re inside. I have to talk to you.”

 

 

“G-go away!” Irene yells back and immediately exposes the fact that she’s crying. “Please.…..”

 

 

 

“No! You listen to me!” Wendy begs as she leans her head onto the door, hoping to pick up any sense from the girl on the other side. And she certainly heard her sobbing. “I’m so sorry-”

 

 

“I don’t wanna hear!” Irene wants to put on the door locks and her fingers have become insensitive from all the crying. “I saw everything......”

 

 

 

The petite brunette feels like all her organs are twisted as she hears those words. The damage she has done to her seems to be unimaginable. “Seulgi told me pretty much everything. You’re hiding nothing from me now.”

 

 

“Then what do you want to talk about?” Irene muffles her sobs and tries to be the tough girl she always is.

 

 

“Bae Joohyun, please. I ain’t leaving unless you open the goddamn door and talk to me.” 

 

 

The older girl weeps into her palms and leans her back on the door, “What do you want from me? What more? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

 

 

 

Not wanting to waste any time, she inhales a lungful of breath and vomits the words, “I want you to look at me.”

 

 

It is a dead silence inside before the door is finally open wide, revealing a Bae Joohyun staring at her guest with her blood-shot eyes. “Now what?”

 

 

Wendy gulps and shyly asks, “Can you let me in first? It’s cold out here.”

 

 

Irene is huffing flames again but her heart is fragile after all, “O-okay.”

 

 

 

And so, Wendy is in the dim living room of the Chemistry tutor’s extremely organized apartment, “It’s been so long, Irene. I should have known.”

 

 

“You’re too busy with him, I guess.” She has her back facing her. And she’s busy wiping her own tears.

 

 

 

The young girl bends down and scoops the cap up with her hand, “I’m not.”

 

 

“Don’t lie to me.” Irene looks over her shoulder and barks again. “I’ve imagined how your lips would taste like for a thousand times and still, you chose to kiss him. How pathetic you’ve made me, Son Seungwan.”

 

 

She gently places the cap on the top of the couch and smiles, “I didn’t choose to kiss him. He just popped out of nowhere when I was outside that convenience store and he kissed me out of nowhere. I was looking for you, Bae Joohyun.”

 

 

“W-what?” She halts at her spot, and her face is so hazy in the dark. “I-I don’t understand.”

 

 

“I’m sorry for what I did earlier.” Wendy just wishes she can look into her eyes as she speaks, she just wants her to know she really means it. “I’ve thought it through. You know, it’s not an easy phrase.”

 

 

At that instant, Irene spins around to face the other girl who has been smiling the whole time while her own face is twisted as if she has just eaten the sourest fruit on earth. “A-and…...?”

 

 

 

The younger girl’s smile grows even brighter when she finally catches the sight of a cutely shocked Bae Joohyun, “You’re such a chicken. Is it because you’ve waited for too long? Just so you know, I certainly remember the time when you were there at my first medial course in this university. I might not know your name but I remember your face. That’s why I said you look familiar. There aren’t many pretty girls like you around here.”

 

 

The tutor forgets to blink as she is going haywire, “So you’re hitting on me now?”

 

 

“I guess you can say so.” She chuckles and Irene can’t describe in words how it gives her so much life. “I don’t know if I can say I love you too now but I want to try something.”

 

 

“What is it?” She holds her breath since she doesn’t know what to expect next.

 

 

 

“Kiss me now, here, in the dark.”

 

 

Hearing the bold request, Irene then traces the outline of Wendy’s face easily as her eyes and her smile are the only objects glistening in the dark room. 

 

 

 

Gingerly, she lands her shuddering hands on her dainty cheeks, cupping them softly yet firmly. After using her greatest effort to regulate her palpitating heart and shut her eyes close, her nose brushes with hers and she feels the warmth of her breaths tickling the top of her lips. Lovingly, she presses her lips on hers.

 

 

It is so gentle and subtle that both would say it feels like a lifetime has passed. Fireworks and rainbows are surrounding the older but shy girl as they break the kiss. And for the younger girl, she is so ablaze with the little excitement that she has never felt until this very moment.

 

 

 

“I’ve kissed you. So?” Irene finally breaks a smile the first time for today with her arms wrapping around the girl she loves.

 

 

“Would you take me…...” In return, Wendy nuzzles her neck as she rests her head on her shoulder. “I like you very much, more than a friend.”

 

 

“I guess you’ve never confessed to anyone.” Irene giggles and holds her closer. “And surely, ardently, I would. ‘Cause I like you more.”

 

 

“Great.” But soon, Wendy breaks their hug and hops away. “Now talk to me, I mean really, talk. I want to know more about you.”

 

 

 

Looking at those expectant eyes, Irene readily obeys and joins the thrilled girl on the couch. 

 

 

And the night flows away without them knowing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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xo