Xiumin embraced me as we both stood by the bridge and lookup in the starry night. The view was just spectacular. I was excited for the past week, looking forward to what i have always been waiting for; officially calling me his. Two days from now, we are going to be registered for marriage and from there, we can live happily ever after. Xiumin spun me around. His eyes, smile, everything sparkles. He look so beautiful, especially with the moonlight reflecting off his features. The both of us locked gazes at each other, heart beating fast, he leans in for a kiss. 

"Um... I don't want to interrupt but you guys should really get a room." Kai, my best friend, disrupted the momentum. He was leaning beside the lamppost, a few steps away from me and Xiumin. Kai is the same age as me and the both of us were classmates back in high school. He was partly the reason how i knew Xiumin and later fell in love with him.

"Yah, stop peeping you creep."Xiumin commented back.

"You guys really make me feel left out." Kai sipped his carton of strawberry milk, his fifth carton  which made me realized that we've been here since the evening. It was getting really late.  

"What about a ?"Xiumin raised his brow and gave kai a sheepish look.  

"BOWH?" I lightly kicked Xiumin's leg. Xiumin just laughed and then pulled me back in his arms. 

"Yea, sounds good."Kai shrugged then looked over at me with a y expression. 

"Then what are we waiting for?" Xiumin immediately picked me up and motion kai to act as well. Before i could even run away, they lifted me up, one at each end of my body, and carried me to Xiumin's car. Boys will forever be boys, playful but fun to be with. They are what i termed "Happy pills". However, the thread can easily be broken apart. 

 

Two days later,the three of us drove to the registration Centre. While Xiumin and Kai were dressed formally, i wore what Xiumin had gotten me earlier this week; white laced knee length, hugging around my body. It was a perfect fit. Xiumin was driving as he looked over at me. I didn't notice his gaze, focusing on the scenery, wondering what our future would be like from now on. Just then, i felt my hand being grasped tightly. Xiumin smiled gently at me. I knew at the instance that he was assuring that everything will be alright. I turned back to Kai, who was soundly asleep behind due to the long drive.

"That guy sure sleep everywhere he goes huh.." i chuckled.

"Tell me about being lazy." Xiumin sneered. Xiumin divert his attention back to driving when a loud horn from behind could be heard. It was so loud that Kai even awoken from it. Afraid of being hit from who knows what behind, Xiumin swerved to the left over running to the track going to the opposite direction. It was just a second, everthing happened so fast. My head was in a state of blurriness. I turned to xiumin first to see if he was okay but the light infront was too bright. I couldn't see his face nor hear my own screams. Everything went past in a swift seconds and in moments, the world was filled with blackness.

....... The lights flickered... No, thats my eyes, forcing itself to open. There were sounds everywhere,like panic voices. I felt myself being pushed while laying flat. Is that the hospital? Xiumin, Kai, where are they. I fought myself awake, surpassing how heavy my eye lids try to close itself or my body shutting down. Then from within the noises i heard the word 'fatal'. What is happening? "She loss too much blood!" I heard again. I couldn't look anywhere,just my eyes partially open, looking up in the dim light.Then again, my body weakened. No longer able to withstand the tiredness, i fell back to blackness.

 

It felt like eternity in the darkness. No voice could be heard or people could be seen. Am i out of this world? Have i really died? Suddenly an image of Xiumin flashed in my head, of him smiling and looking at me while driving the car. And Kai, at the back seat sleeping soundly. My happy pill. Happiness, darkness. And it suddenly hit upon me that i was alone in the dark,that the people i was with previously now seemed invinsible. I could hear myself breathing heavily, i could feel wetness on my body. In an instance, my eyes wide open from the sleep. 

XIUMIN. 

I was in my own room surprisingly, but there were machines right beside me with medical strings attached to my wrist. I painfully tore it apart from my skin and jumped off from the bed. Trying to balance myself, I shook the dizziness in my head.

I was at home. How long was i even asleep? And Xiumin, how was he after the accident? Is he okay?What about Kai? If i'm home, does that mean that they too are okay?

I staggered out of the room and into the living room of my small studio apartment i previously bought with Xiumin. 

Xiumin.

There was no one in the living rooms. A thud could be heard from the attic above. Relief came gushing over me. I jogged upstairs, still controlling myself from loosing my balance. Hurrying over, i caught a glance of the back. Xiumin Bent over and grab something off the plank. 

"XIUMIN" I called out. He turned and stared for quite long like he have seen a ghost. He blinked a few times before shaking back to reality.

"You..." and he rushed towards me and gave me a tight hug. "You had a very long nap." he continued.

"I missed you so much. I thought i was gonna loose you too, i thought that-" he paused. 

"Loose what?" i frowned. My heart raced. Xiumin eyes shifted to the shelve. A picture of Kai displayed at the top, with flowers and a candle in front of it. Something i cannot escape from, something i cannot deny. Kai was nowhere to be found. I dropped to the ground. My only bestfriend is gone. My heart shattered in a million pieces. Why do this tragedy happen to people that we care and not us? Xiumin squat next to me and hugged me tightly again. He patted my back to console me.

"Accidents are bound to happen." He said. Thats the same thing Kai always used to say. I missed him even more now. 

The next few days, i was trying to go back to my normal life, except that Xiumin told me to stay home and rest. He explained what happened that fateful day, that i was in a coma for almost Three months. Kai was taken care of but it was too late for me. 

It was like what a wanted, happiness but one less pill to fill. Xiumin was warm as usual, coming back from work then spending time with me on the couch watching our favourite variety shows. But it was the same every time, that he would doze off in the middle of the show. Some nights as we slept together, he would face the other side, like he was afraid of laying his hands on me. Was it because i wasn't by his side for few months and he's feelings faded? 

_____________________________-

That night, he did the same again. I purposely laid closer to him, hinting that i needed his touch. It has been so long since. My hands slide down from his chest. In fast reaction, he's hand shot up to mine and stopped me before i could reach below his waist.

"No, i'm... Tired." he spoke softly. Disappointed but not backing down, i pushed my head forward and lean in to kiss his neck. 

"Please..." He begged. 

"Have you loose feelings for me?" I sat on his stilled body and look intensively in his eyes, studying that he actually looked rather nervously, trying as hard as he could to keep eye contact with me. 

"Never." he calmly said with a smile. 

"Then why don't you touch me anymore?"

"I-can't do it." he looked away. It was like i understood his heart that instant, that maybe it was too long since he last touched or embraced me. Three months, he might even succumbed to not having me around. It made me remember the Xiumin i first met, who was too shy to even lay a kiss on my lips the first time we dated. I smiled at him in assurance and lean in once again, this time on his lip. He reacted along with it, hesitated at first but at the end kissed back passionately. His hands slid slide up my body while my hands cupped his face. Weightlessly, he turned me over so that he'd be on top this time. I could feel his heavy breathing in the midst of the kisses. His hands caress my body and the down the end of my shirt. It was an intense session that lasted like forever. 

After that night it was as though that everything turned back to normal. 

One day, i decided that it was time i go out and see what I've missed.The place hasn't changed much before except for few allocations of shops. I was window shopping when an ahjumma approached me. She looked somewhat familiar but i couldn't figure out who was she. 

"OH! Its so long since i've seen you!" she said. i bowed in a way of greeting, still trying to guess who was she or how am i related to her.

"Kwenchanayo?" She asked.

"Neh, Kwenchana. Khamsahamida." i bowed again. 

"We all heard about it. I hope you're doing fine." she continued. "We are very sorry for your loss."

"Its alright, but thank you for your concern." i smiled, not wanting to bring up memories i did not want to have. 

"Are you still living there?"she asked again, this time with a sympathetic look. 

"Yea," i nodded. "We are happy together."

"We?" She frowned. "The news said... ah ok." 

"What do you mean?" I asked her back. 

"Ani, i got to go deh, anneong, see you around." and with that she walked off. What is with that ahjumma?

​For the rest of the day, i pondered over what she had said. What news was she even talking about? Was it about the accident that day? I went over to the computer, trying to look for any article regarding that day.Typed in the date as remembered and what appeared was this:  

FATAL CAR CRASH BEFORE COUPLE'S  ENGAGEMENT.

On xx/xx/xxxx, a couple, followed by their friend who were believed to be on their way to the wedding registration, met with an accident when the driver had skidded too far off the road and slamming into a truck coming from the opposite direction. The impact had caused casualties and serious injuries.On the way to the hospital,one unfortunately was near death due to loss of blood. The other two had cuts and bruises however was critical. Reports have written that the blood doner believed to be the driver had transplanted blood to save the partner from death as he was in a critical condition himself. For few hours, Doctors fought to keep the two alive but only one miraculously managed to pull through. Whereas for the other guy believed to be the wingman had survived. The driver was then pronounced dead. 

__________________________________________

I stared blankly at the screen. Everything is so confusing. Driver is dead.... Driver was Xiumin.... Had the news report made a misunderstanding? Its not the driver right? It cannot be, he was well alive and fine when i woke up. The Xiumin i know for a long time. i immediately reach out for my phone and dialed his number. 

"The number you have dialed is not in use." 

i dialed again. 

"The number you have dialed is not in use." 

No...

Dropped my phone and rushed up to the attic and look anxiously at the shelve. The picture of Kai... was now Xiumin. How... My head is spinning, What us happening? Was it all a delusion? My legs felt weak, my heart sank so deep even the ocean can't fathom. It cannot be, all these while if its not Xiumin, who could it be? 

Just then i heard foot steps from the back. I turn to see who was it. 

Kai stood right at the door. 

"I'm sorry, i wanted to explain but the moment you called his name... i couldn't bear to break your heart. I knew from then, it was a living delusion. I made a promise to hyung, that I cannot make you cry." he said softly. No words came out from my mouth, just me staring blankly at Xiumin's photo. Memory of the last few days flashed. All these while it was Kai all along. It was no wonder he dared not come close to me.

"I should probably leave now." he wanted to step back when i held onto his arm. 

"Ani, stay, please." 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The wedding bells could be heard from afar. The door opened into the hallway of the church. 

A figure awaits, in his best dress of a groom, smiling brightly while looking upfront at my way. I walked slowly towards him in my veil and tightly held on to the dozen red roses. 

Xiumin couldn't stop smiling as he reached his hand out to hold mine. He uncovered the veil from my face and gently lean in for a kiss as i closed my eyes. A tear went trickling down my chin.

"Please be happy." he whispered and when i opened my eyes, he was already gone. 

It was just a living delusion.