Who'd have thought that this is how the ending turned out? It's not always happy and it will never be but a nice cursive font of "The End" would suffice, right? I believe a lot of you girls out there are losing hope and faith. I believe a lot of you right now stopped believing in love after getting ed over. But trust me, you have to believe in it again. Start today. Even if you don't believe in yourself, believe in love. It's what keeps the world going. You just have to trust it.

It happened when I was a freshman in college. It was my first day and I didn't really have friends to come with me. They all went abroad so I was left alone. I was a quiet person so it was hard to make friends on the first day. After having lunch at Mel's, I went to see the attractive booths of the different clubs that were built out in the school grounds. Each year, freshmen would watch and observe these booths and find out about them so they could choose a club and develop their skills and talents.

During that time, I already went to multiple campfires and rock climbing activities with my high school friends and I learned to love it. So I figured that I wanted to do it more and join something that would make me love it more than I already did. 

"Join our club! You will find peace with your soul if you look at our masterpieces! We have paintings and drawings of every kind! Here you go, miss." A clean-looking guy who seemed to be a senior handed me a flyer and I bowed in return. I looked to my left and a girl who was about my age did the same thing, giving me a paper written with things about computers and programming. This time, I couldn't bow down in return because I was busy avoiding someone who was carrying two layers of boxes. But right when I avoided him, I ended up bumping a guy with same boxes on his arms. When I turned, I saw the paper contents of the boxes already scattered on the ground so I bent down and helped him pick it up. 

"I'm sorry I didn't see you. I'm really sorry." I apologized as I gathered the papers one by one.

"It's fine. Gimme that." he grabbed the papers that I filed and put it inside the box. 

And then I looked at him. It was...how should I say this, weird. Like there was a spark. He shone so brightly that I couldn't help thinking if I was in heaven. It was really weird. His eyes were the color of the autumn leaves. They were very deep and clear. And his lips...they were like strawberries. He smelled like the winter wind and there was something so gentle and different about the way he looked. There was just something about that guy that I couldn't put my finger on.

We both stood up and getting back to my senses, I bowed again as an apology. Before he turned his back, he said "Here." and gave me a piece of paper. It was the club I was looking for.

Please don't tell me it was love at first sight. That is nonexistent. Plus, I never really mingled with boys in the past. How do I know if it's love? Maybe I just confused nervousness with love.

Oh, you're asking what happened next?

I joined the club. I learned that he was a very active sophomore. Everyday when I study in the library, I see him reading Sigmund Freud books or sometimes he's just sleeping. Everyday I sat at a safe distance and watched him. One day, I even gathered up courage and tried giving him iced coffee with a note. 'Study hard' was always the safest phrase. I would put it on his table quietly but when he wakes up from his nap, I would panic and tell the fat guy next to him to just drink it instead and run to hide behind a bookshelf.

You're right. It was love. It wasn't nervousness. It was these butterflies inside. God, they were very hard to silence at night that I had to bear those dark bags under my eyes for days. At first I thought it was the flu but the doctor said I was fine at 37.2 degrees. Turned out it was love. Very funny. 

You're asking if we ever talked to each other? Hmmm, very rare. Sometimes, during club meetings, other times just a simple hi in the hallways and I would walk away after that because if he said hi to me and smile at the same time, I swore to myself I would punch him in the face.

Then this one time happened when I walked inside the club office and saw him alone listening to music with his earphones. I figured it was better to go out before it becomes awkward so I opened the door and tried to go out when he called my name. I froze.

"Here. It's yours. Take it." He said after he took my right hand and gave me his iPod. I stared at the object on my hand and then looked at him with confusion. 

"Listen to it." He said then left the room. So I sat down and started listening. A sad song was playing.

"Dara, someone is looking for you." a senior from the club called and I hurriedly said yes. I left the room with the iPod on top of my books. When I came back, it was gone. What happened, I don't know. The next morning he asked me if I listened to it and I lied. I nodded and he just smiled.

By the time I was a sophomore, he left for the army. I couldn't say goodbye properly because I was shy and I was scared. When I looked at him, he smiled and I did the same. I watched him get in the car and leave. That was how I liked it. I remember his face very clearly and he was smiling in my memory. I put his picture on my locker so I could look at him everyday. I missed him so much.

When I heard the news that he was back, I helped out in cleaning and rearranging the office for a small celebration and there I found it. The iPod was just under the stupid drawer all those years.  

After we celebrated as a club, I heard he and his friends decided to go rock climbing to go out as friends after a long time. I stayed in the office and listened to the iPod once more. This time, I finished the song. 

  Mic test...ah ah...mic test

"Oh? What's this?" I removed one earphone but put it back again after hearing more.

  Are you listening? Okay I'm going to sing a song. I can't sing so please don't laugh and just take it as my confession to you. Ok here I go.

I hung up the phone tonight

Something happened for the first time

Deep inside it was a rush

What a rush

'Cuz the possibility that you would ever

feel the same way about me

It's just too much

Just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth?

All I ever think about is you

You got me hypnotized so mesmerized

And I just got to know

 

I was at loss for words. 

When it was finished, I ran to find him and found him with his friends getting ready to leave for the trip.

"Jinwoo!" I called. He turned around and when he saw me, he smiled. "What is it?" 

I looked down on my feet. "The truth is I lost your iPod when you gave it to me before. I just listened to it now that I've finally found it." I tried to look at him. He smiled again. "That's good. I'll see you in two days." Then he kissed my forehead. I blushed and couldn't hide my happiness. Then he stepped inside the bus and they left.

Do you know what feeling I felt back then? If you do, that's beautiful. But if you don't, I'll tell you. Oh, it was glorious. Getting kissed on the forehead by the person you love? There was so much going on inside of me and loneliness was not one of them and God, I prayed so hard that I wouldn't be feeling that feeling for a long, long time.

The day he was scheduled to come back, I dressed up and put on a faded amount of lip tint. I left with a smile. That winter felt so warm. 

I went inside the office and even though there were people inside, it was quiet. Others were hugging each other. So I asked what was going on.

"He climbed without anything on to keep him safe. We tried so hard to stop him but he won't listen. I tried my last best to save him but it was too late. Jinwoo is gone." 

The words echoed endlessly inside my head. Am I in hell? 

My heart...it hurt so much. I could barely take my steps towards the door when I fell down on my knees. I cried so hard. Tears won't stop flowing so I let them out. I could barely breath. It wasn't just my lungs or my heart. It was everything inside of me that was dying. I wanted to scream. I wanted to die. I thought this winter was warm. I was wrong. 

"Honey! Sunhee is crying! I'm still in the shower!"

Oh, I'll be back in a minute.

You see, your first love is not the first person you give your heart to.It's the first person who broke it. And even though it ended like that, it ended beautifully. The brief moment that we were in love was enough. Sometimes, forever isn't a thousand years. 

Oh right, that was Donghae in the shower. I went to London to find myself but instead I found him. I'm his first love and he vowed that I will be the last. It just made me realize something. First love is not always happy but that doesn't mean it's not beautiful.

Believe in love again. Trust me.