Philia

            “I feel so betrayed.”

            Those were the words he told me as he cried in my arms today. He felt very cold and scared. In that moment when I felt like I was carrying something very fragile; one wrong act could cause him his life. I let him cry. And cry. And cry; until no tears could be cried anymore. I didn’t ask anything but I would let him do all the talking if he needs to.

            He pulled away with tear soaked eyes which pained me. It never felt right to see him in such a state but at the same time it does. Because out of all the people he chose to show this side of himself, he chose to show it to me. This side where he is weak; where he feels he is at his lowest.

            His cold finger was pressed onto my lips liked it was the most normal thing in the world. I didn’t flinch not it wasn’t scary to me. He looked at me with the same cold eyes, which pricked my soul with its iciness and I dared to look back into them, fighting with every bit of flare I had in me to assure him that I was here; here to be with him as long as he needs me.

            “Remember what I said about last time?” he said stagnantly.

            Yes, I do. In fact, I never forget. I never forget this was our saying to keep each other's secrets. This is why, I didn’t shy away. He needs me even though he needs him. My Kim Myungsoo needs Lee Sungyeol; this handsome young man he has been watching for quite a while now. He was in pop-dancing while Sungyeol was in musical performances. However, one day when Myungsoo had to fill in the dance coordinator for the musical class who fell sick, he fell in love with him. Ever since, he told me lots of stories about how stunning and how graceful he looks when he acts and danced on stage. How charming he would smile and laugh with his friends. It was silly, maybe but Myungsoo was sure he was in love.

            Day by day, more stories of him kept coming from the young man in front of me, telling me how he wishes he could be his one and only. The agony of their disputation of classes makes chances of knowing each other is close to zero but Myungsoo never cared. If he was anything, he was stubborn for one; two, he is determined. He will make Sungyeol his mate. Thus, here I found him today.

            “What happened?” I asked carefully.

            He explained in the same careful manner of how he tried to approach him and be his friend. Another thing I found out about Myungsoo is that, he is impatient; three. I clearly formed ‘o’ on my lips as he gotten to the point where he accidently confessed his unconditional affection towards the desired man.

            “You know what he said?” he asked.

            I shook my head, just eager to get it over with when I know I wouldn’t like whatever answer that was awaiting. I could hear him scoffed a little before speaking.

            “How could you fall in love with someone you just met?” the shape of his lips curved upwards into a forced smile. I knew he was hiding the cliché of the moment but even words like those are the deadliest of the deadliest for those serious in love. Following accord, a chuckle resounded between us. “He’s right. What do I know about love?”

            Well, I know then, it is something we all have, don’t we? There has been something I’ve been holding back such a long time but I couldn’t tell him. To him, I’m still naïve and know nothing, especially the theories of love and rejection but if it is so, why do I still hang onto hope? Is it out of human nature? Out of sense or security?

            “Shall we get some iced Americano?” he suggested plainly, trying to avoid more pressure.

          It had me thought deeply at the irony of it all because the choice of drink is the person he loves loved most. How ironic; all of it. Keep lying to yourself and hurt is something he is going through by himself and for that reason, I chose to become his guardian angel.

            “Sure.”

            As long as he still needs me.

Ludus

            “There is my favourite, girl! Kei!”

            He’s here again. Kim Jongin. He slung an arm around me as I was walking down the hall to our classroom for our next dance lesson. We both don’t have a Focus in our Dance major so we spent a lot of time together going to class; to be more precise, every dance class that is possibly offered in the school. To be alongside Jongin was both a blessing and a curse.

            Stepping into the classroom, I hear murmurs and low whispers again. I ignored them; again or just simply acknowledge that it doesn’t matter. I took my spot next to Jongin despite whatever happens to me or to them. Maybe I got threaten, one or twice a week. I had my ways though.

            Jongin was very popular. Like, really popular. Maybe it is because of his hair –no, I’m just kidding but he is definitely good looking. He is everything a girl looks for in a guy. Tall, Jongin is 6 feet and 1 inch. His dark brown hair is a break taking sight after a look day of practice because the sweat on his forehead will really make him look like a hot mess. Did I also mention how perfect his body is? His perfect six pack that girls dream at night. Or at least, that is what everybody is always speaking of. However, if anyone who has ever seen Jongin danced before would at least have seen it once so it’s not a coy.

            I like to make fun of him of his popularity and say things like: ‘I’ll never be good enough for you. We should part!’ and he’ll agonize every time I refuse to hang out with his pretty little self.

            “I couldn’t live without you, my little Kei,” he’ll say making me sigh deeply.

            Maybe the crowd isn’t all cheers and celebrations seeing how we are always together like a pair of chopsticks. Being so in sync with each other, not a movement in dance, an action or word of speech out of line; we were very parallel to one another like twins.

            Another boring theory class today will take place and go by like the wind. Practice is something I always look forward to and I’m sure he does too. He works the hardest amongst us after all.

            “Lunch date today, Kei?” he scribbled messily on his notebook and he pushed it towards me to read.

            I managed to capture his playful smirk on his lips before writing back to him. Although being seated next to each other, in order to not be caught slacking off in class by the strict professor, Jongin had his head resting on his arm; his eyes glued to the chalkboard, as if playing attention to what was being explained in front while the notebook, half-hidden under his other arm as I quickly wrote my reply.

            “Ms. Kim!”

            Oh no! I’m caught. “Yes?”

            “Stop flirting in my class.”

            I turned red in silence and nodded. I felt the notebook being pulled back from underneath my hands back to its original owner. I cursed in my mind in the deaf silence. I wish my professor wasn’t that kind of person because those comments only made me a better target for bullying even more. The notebook returned. I hated Kim Jongin. Scratch that of being a blessing. He’s one hundred percent a curse.

            “Forgive me, sweetie. Will you still love me?” is what he wrote.

            I bit my lip harshly and just glared at him. The professor had his back facing us as he continued to write more on the board giving us a split chance to make eye contact. My eyes were just full of annoyance but Jongin kept his head cool with his playful little smirk as he leaned closer to my ear. So close that my heartbeat rate would get higher as he went to whisper:

            “I love teasing you so much.”

            I still went to the practice room with him that day with the greatest blessing of them all.

 Eros

            He has the most beautiful set of eyes I’ve ever seen in my entire life and that are what I am seeing through at this moment. Those shiny, innocent pair of eyes was the soul out of my own pair of eyes like a black hole, claiming me entirely. I cannot take it any longer. He needs to say something; anything before I break, leaving my worthless shell.

            “Kim Jongin, I hate you,” is all that repeated in my head as I finally get up and made a dash for it before I regretted anything else.

            Despite all the self-persuasion, I couldn’t lie to myself. I couldn’t lie anymore to him that I actually like him or even actually love him for who he is. I wasn’t fast enough to run away from him that he grabbed my wrist and turned me around and holds me by my shoulders. His grip was strong and I was literally stunned. I gulped hard at his changed expression. He was really concerned just a moment ago but now he was worried.

            “Say it again: Do you really… love me?” he asked in his rare serious tone.

            I wish we were still playing and teasing each other again like we always do, especially at times when I would tell him that I love him. Those were the only times I could actually tell him, I do but at the same time I don’t.

            Curse you, Kim Jongin. He had only been there for me and terribly kind when we are together. He even confessed that I was his ideal type but that doesn’t change my wish to hide my true feelings. Yes, I wanted him. I wanted him so much. All the teasing was torture. The way he would look at me with his alluring eyes. His playful touches set my cold skin ablaze. His fluid movements on the dance floor had always affected me in many ways than one. His voice can get so low, it can take lives and I’ve been dead and returned alive numerous times before.

              Although I was going through such a torture, never in a heartbeat I ever wanted to separate with this glorious entity which our entire school calls Kai or I would call, Jongin. Even though I have all these thoughts of him, I could never tell a soul or even to him and this great blessing turns more and more of a curse. It breaks my heart and the water works fall because I will never have the confidence that we’ll ever be together romantically, ever.

            “I’m sorry, Jiyeon.”

            And then I knew, the reality I always imagined had unfolded.

            “I’m sorry that I love you, Kai.”

Philautia

            I met a good senior of mine who I finally shared all the bolted up feelings inside of me. We sat down together to talk privately in our small little corner. I hung my head down low, so low because I was rejected and embarrassed. My senior, Soojung didn’t laugh or made fun of me; neither she was surprised to hear I have been crushing on the school’s idol, Kim Jongin. She wasn’t that childish either like the majority of the girls in our school who obsess over him.

            I cried in my senior’s embrace for a while until I felt better and asked me a very good question:

            “What does love mean for you, Kei?”

            I gave a deep thought about it. I never learn, have I? In every drama I watch and in every romance novel I read, love is very beautiful because two people share a common feeling of affection towards one another but unfortunately for me, I won’t be able to understand that because it will never happen for me.

            “I don’t know.”

           It hurts. How love never works the way we imagined it to be. But I was careful, too careful that it consumed me. I had lots of confidence that I don’t have to be hurt; that I don’t have to face rejection by confessing my feelings. However, slowly… I believe it will be okay.

           I, Kim Jiyeon will be alright. I am strong and confident. I love who I am and I still love Kim Jongin but this time, I don’t have to hide it anymore.

 Pragma

            “Always be happy, Kei. You deserve to be,” said Myungsoo.

            I also let Myungsoo know of what happened to me after he noticed how my mood changed for a few days. I couldn’t hide it that well that something within had changed. The change is good though. The load on my chest had been lifted and now I could face my fears with more confident but that piece of hope washed away when the same surrounding murmuring turned a bit different that day.

            “It seems our Kai isn’t with you today? Did you break up?”

            Ah, that. How could I forget the change of routine too? Jongin was always with me but today, yesterday and the day before that. The kids in our class made fun of me without hesitation. Teasing and laughing; mocking me harshly. I need to ignore them and sit down at my usual place. I must! But that place seems different without Jongin. I digress.

            “We didn’t break up. We just fought. Don’t all people fight with one another sometimes?”

            A boy in the class laughed and joked with his friend like it was the most laughable thing that the new guy who entered the class had ever spoken. Then the class quieted down and everyone went back to their own seats in annoyance. I never felt better than how I felt at the moment. I missed his velvety voice resounding in my ear and how his arm casually draped around my shoulders. Lastly would be… his smile. Ah! Yes, it is a vibrant as I remember it is.

            This is the same Kim Jongin who I fell in love with and he led me to sit down at our familiar seats inside the classroom. I gladly followed him; glad to be by his side. It seems that’s all I actually ever wanted from the start.

            “Thank you, Jongin,” I told him in a hush tone.

            “No. Thank you, Jiyeon for everything. I hope you’ll find your happiness.”

            I simply nodded without saying anything more before the professor came in. I finally understood something that day. I understood why a lot of people love him as well as I did. His heart is truly full of compassion and that goes without saying like an unspoken truth. It was pure like a white rose and transparent like glass. That too is the reason that I fell in love with the kind and sweet-hearted Kim Jongin. He is really a blessing for me and to everyone.

Agape

            Lately, I look down on Earth from Paradise sleepless nights. The cool air hits my skin sending shivers down my shine as I look out the window to the sleeping town. My mind wanders far to my two most cherished people that took care of me when I felt that Paradise was far. The world was torn and ugly but it was still home to many and here I wander and kept wandering towards my life’s goal.

            The goal was clear and becoming clearer every day. I held onto it and to the hands of my loved ones tightly so that I wouldn’t fall or lose my way. Fortunately, I found people I could actually lean of when Paradise is far. Praise the Lord.

            Myungsoo taught me that thoughts can be powerful and happiness in our grasp whenever we allow ourselves to have it. Soojung taught me that weakness isn’t a flaw and all good things have opposites for a reason. And lastly, Jongin taught me that happiness doesn’t have to be forever but long lasting. Love is fickle and fragile; confusing and surprising. I walk along this path holding their hands until one day we are ready to let go bravely with a smile.

            Then surely, as I have learnt that everyone is capable of loving and to be loved.