fin.
you're my high
you're my high
you're my high
✖✖✖
You're so stupid. Why did you have to believe those fake empty words? You knew the second you met her, you were at a loss. But for some reason, she was the only sunshine in your dark, gloomy life. She was an angel who managed to crack your walls and came into your life. You didn't know what you were doing until you met her. All you knew were drugs and pills. To simply put it, you were an addict. You were addicted to oxycodone and a ton of other painkillers that you didn't even care about. Their only use was to numb the pain for the time being.
Being sick and diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, you turned to drugs. To you, they were the lifesavers, not the stupid therapy counselling where you had to spill out all your feelings. That was your way of dealing with the pain. You didn't want to talk about anything and after still having that throbbing pain in your chest. You wanted to forget about it. You wanted to erase all those horrendous images from your mind and feel happy. Being happy was all you wanted and yet you couldn't have it? Why? Why couldn't you be happy?
You resented people around you who were able to show their smiles, laugh so hard to the point they can't breathe. You hated people like that. You were envious at the fact that they had something you didn't. And as the old saying goes, you can't buy happiness with money and for that you held a deep grudge towards those who were happy. Especially her. You hated her enter being when she to you, smiling and all while introducing herself as a new student.
Even though you had those feelings towards her, the days you spent with her was unexplainable. Those were the days you had stopped taking the oxycodone. You felt so strangely happy and you didn't need those destructive pills in order to feel such a feeling. She didn't know about your addiction and when things went from okay to complete utter , you felt the urge again. You had went back to the old you. You were restless, and couldn't sleep. You had goosebumps all over and couldn't stop shaking.
Your pale, bony hand brushed up against the mirror as you opened the cabinet and eyed the bottle of pills in hunger.
You needed to feel those dry pills slide down your throat and you needed to feel that slow, happy chill again.
You were high that day when you stumbled into school halfway through the school day and she found you lying on the roof top of the building where you and her used to eat lunch.
From first glance, she knew instantly that you were high. You greeted her in a groggy voice and smiled lazily. You didn't give a at all. All you cared about was having the high last. She scolded you and sat you up, staring at you with an unnerving stare.
"What are you doing coming to school high?" her soft, but demanding voice asked, "why are you doing this?"
"I'm sick of this," you murmured, leaning forward 'till your forehead came in contact with hers, "it's too ty, my life."
"It's only ty if you think it is," she replied, her warm hand lifting up to cup your cold, malnourished face.
You shook your head, sighing softly. "It's been ty since day one, and I can't do anything about it. Have you ever been hit in the head multiple times and was made to watch your parents' being tortured in the most inhumane way possible? Did you have to watch them die before your eyes? Did you have to listen to their pleading screams and the men laughing? No. No you didn't."
A dark laugh escaped your lips as you brought your hazy eyes up and stared straight at her. How you loved her eyes. They were always so warm and filled with life and they always managed to put butterflies in your stomach. The feeling you never wanted to go away.
"No, I haven't," she said as she gazed back at you in attempt to bring you back to reality, "but Hoseok, my dad's a druggie and my mom is a e. I understand your pain and loneliness."
Your eyes widened, stunned. How did you not know this? Then it hit you. Her parents were abusive. You felt so stupid as you had caught her arms painted with bruises many times. You tugged at her arm and pulled up her sleeve. You couldn't believe it. The girl you had fallen in love with was going through all this pain while you were too busy sulking to notice.
"No..." you whispered in shock as you saw dark red cuts all down her arm. You ignored her horrified expression and you continued to examine her. You grasped her other arm and pulled up the sleeve also. Again, you were greeted with angry colourful bruises and angry red cuts. That explained why she would always jerk her arm away or flinched when you grabbed her arms. That was also why she wore black sweat bands and you thought she only wore them because it was her style. But it wasn't. It was to cover up all these hideous wounds.
"Hoseok...?" her weak, trembling voice asked, "you're disgusted aren't you? I'm disgusting aren't I? You wouldn't want anything to do with me now, right?"
You tore your attention from her arms and looked up and saw her tear-streaked face. The pain in your chest was even worse than normal as you stared at her silent crying. Your thin arms lifted up from your lap and wrapped them around her body. As soon as you pulled her into your arms, she broke. She cried and cried in your arms as you held her tight, not saying a word. You were ashamed to find that she had been suffering all by herself. You were angry with yourself for not being able to prevent the beatings and her self-mutilation.
"I would never leave you," you reassured her sincerely, "you're too precious to me for me to let you go. I love you. Please don't do this to yourself."
Her shoulders shook as she cried even more, her sobs grew louder as she nodded while apologizing profusely.
"A beautiful girl like you shouldn't be doing this," you murmured lovingly as you felt yourself sobering up. You dug your nose into the crook of her neck and inhaled her scent. For a split second, you swore you were high. You knew then and there that it wasn't the pills you needed in order to be happy, it was her.
You needed her.
You pulled away from her to see her cover her face as she tried to calm herself down. You pried her hands away from her face and your head cocked to the side staring at her. Even after crying, she still was the most beautiful girl you had ever seen and just the sight of her took your breath away.
You grasped her chin and pulled her back to you, but this time your lips met with hers. It was the best high you had ever experienced. It felt like were drunk. She was just so intoxicating and she didn't even know the effect she had on you. It was a simple kiss, no tongue. But it was enough to ignite a spark within you.
"I love you," you mumbled against her lips.
"I love you too, Hoseok," and that was the very moment your chest exploded with happiness.
✖✖✖
"I miss you," you mumbled as you stared at the gravestone that belonged to your deceased fiancée. You placed down a bouquet of daisies and orchids down and gazed longingly at the gravestone.
"It's lonely without you," you smiled in a bittersweet manner, "your father's in prison now. He's been sentenced for life and possibly is on a death row as well. You didn't die in vain. I came to realise that your death isn't my fault.
I mean, you would probably be scolding me 'till my ear fell off if I kept blaming myself. I'm getting better still. And as I promised, I'm still in therapy and counselling and have not touched the pills in your absence at all.
I miss you a lot and I still love you. You know, you were my high. You're still my high. You made me the happiest man on earth. I love you."
You kissed the gravestone as a lone tear fell from your blurry eyes.
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