Bigbang - Loser

Nell - Haven

Her voice ringed in my ears as I saw the fear in her eyes. Her hands shoot up in the air trying to defend herself from the punches he was throwing at her. Her constant pleading and tears streaming down her cheeks didn’t seem to stop him. Why wasn’t I moving? Why weren’t I doing something to defend her from that beast? I opened my mouth but no noise escaped it. I tried carrying my leg, but it seemed so heavy. I reached out for her, but the distant was too long. I couldn’t do anything and I was feeling so hopeless. I was their only hope, even though I was basically a nobody, in his eyes.

My head became dizzy as I closed my eyes and clenched my head.

The several plead and cries just blocked out and then I heard a faint chuckle, his chuckle. It sent shivers down my spine as my eyes popped open. I looked straight ahead seeing her lying on the bed with tears streaming down her cheeks. His face planted against her neck as she bit down her lower lip. I could see clearly that she didn’t want any of this to happen. She had tried to fight back with no use. She was so young; I couldn’t believe he would do something like this to his own flesh and blood. Once again I tried to reach out to help the one I loved, but I failed yet again, like I always did.

My eyes popped open the bright light provided by the sun shining through the blinds. I covered my face with my hand with no luck as a low growl left my lips. I knew it was time to wake up when the sound of my alarm going off ringed in my ears. I reached my hand out and palmed the snooze button.

I had no intentions to go to school today, even though I knew deep down I had to. I didn’t despise school like most high-school students. But I couldn’t say that I loved it either. I simply didn’t exist there, which was why I didn’t bother going to school anymore. But the moment I heard my mother holler from downstairs I knew I had no choice.

I was going to act normal today, as I knew it was going to be my last and got up from my bed. Doing my daily routine I went downstairs greeting my little sister, Myunghee. She smiled brightly at me as I plopped on my seat. I gave her a tiny smile back seeing how she had let her hair fall freely on her shoulders. She liked her hair groomed in a ponytail, but I knew why she hadn’t touched her hair today. Anger built inside of me whenever I thought of it. I slowly peered my eyes away from her and over at my mother who walked over with two plates with our breakfast.

My mother smiled at me as I tried looking past her bruised eye and the ugly cut made on her lip. I hated this. I hated how we all played pretend. How we looked past each other’s scars trying to act like we were the perfect family.

I had no intentions of staying at the house for a longer period of time. I stood up from my spot; my mother didn’t even ask and let me leave. It had been a part of my routine now to leave in the middle of my breakfast. It was due to my thoughts and how they always seemed to wander off when I sat with the two.

I went to the garage and grabbed onto my bicycle as I had already put on my backpack. The uniform had been nicely ironed the day before, the color blue fitting perfectly with my bike. I got on my bike and paddled on my way to school. I just loved the fresh air that would invade my lungs and free my mind from bad thoughts. Just for that brief moment I felt so free and felt that I was somebody. It was nice to know that I actually did exist.

I placed my finger on top of my lips signalizing to my horrified sister to keep quiet. With her round confused yet terrified eyes, she covered with her hands and obeyed. I got up from my spot and walked slowly over at her pressing my palms against her shoulders. I noticed how she relaxed instantly by my touch alone and let out a relieved sigh. I gave her a small nod telling her everything was going to be okay, but I had to leave for now. She didn’t say anything in return and all I felt were two pair of eyes in the back as I left.

Students were laughing in the hallways high-fiving each other, making fun of one another, just enjoying life. I was walking in the middle of the crowded hallway. They were all surrounding me but I was still all alone. I had no one to talk to. None of them seemed to notice me either. It was better that way. I had no idea what I was capable of doing nowadays. I was uncontrollable.

I attended every class knowing well I didn’t actually need to be here today. But I pretended it was just a normal day for me, just so I wouldn’t worry the ones I love too much; my mom and my sister.

Just because I hadn’t much to say people would underestimate me. If they only knew what was really going through my mind, they would become speechless. They wouldn’t dare visiting my world. They wouldn’t dare looking at me with those mocking eyes. They wouldn’t dare.

My feet were paddling as my life depended on it. It was actually. I knew for sure how time was limited for me at the moment. I had nothing more to do than paddle to that place before I would get caught. I headed for my hiding place. The same place I would sit and think about life and how I could turn it for the better. It was the same place where I managed to come up with the perfect plan. It was also the same place I had hidden away stash of money for my mother and my baby sister. I want them to live happily the moment I go away.

My hands circled around the handles of my bicycle the moment I was heading to my favorite place. I knew it would be my last visit and I dreaded it. Although I knew deep down I had done the right thing, a small part of me thought otherwise. I wouldn’t be able to see my mother after this; neither would I be greeted by my little sister every morning. I knew