- Myungsoo POV -

everyone is actually all hyped up and pressured since just 5 more minutes and our dilemma encore concert will start and we need to go on stage, its the first day so its more nerve wrecking and pressuring, its always like this back stage. coordinators keep on shouting while make up artist keep on fusing all over us retouching our make up and hair style while the other coordinator noona fixing our clothes. our managers handing us our microphones and clipping it on the back of our pants, i look at sungjong and see a make up noona applying some foundation on him and fixing his hair

Sunggyu- ok everyone circle up

so we all circled up together with the manager and stage director, we all shout fighting and head to our position on the stage lift, the hyungs going first and im in the farthest end while sungjong is in front of me, i grab tried to catch up with him and when i did we are almost near the stage lift, i grab his hand and he look at me i can see in his face his asking me why i suddenly grab his arm on the last minute, i know that he has been going through something for a while now but im just waiting for him to share it to me i dont want to impose on him even though im worried about him.

lets do our best out there okay?

Sungjong- kekeke ne hyung

saranghe sungjong-ah

Sungjong- nado myungsoo hyung, come on sunggyu hyung is shooting laser at us

his smiling yet i know he isnt really that happy, i just pat his back and we head to our position since there really is an grumpy old hamster looking at us, when the stage lift started moving i fixed my earpiece and look at sungjong for the last time and i see him taking a deep breath with his eyes close, the loud music filling our eardrums but he still look relaxed i just hope that this concert help him find the healing he need since he always find tranquility in front of the fans and performing in front of our fans makes him feel like he's revive.

the moment we are standing on the stage we hear all the people screaming and dilemma started playing, my body just started moving on its own like it was programmed, all i can hear is the screaming and cheering of our fans, it doesnt matter though because those cheering want makes us all more energetic and the need to give them a better stage performance is stronger with all the cheer and love they are giving us, every set i would still a glance on sungjong checking if he is doing alright or how is doing, though i made sure i wont be notice no matter how eagle eyes our fans is.

through out the concert we tried and give our best to satisfy our japanese inspirits, we are actually down to one last song, 3 hours almost passed by without notice, once we finish singing the japanese version of together we'll just have to bow and we're done. the lights dimmed down and we all take our position im on the farthest end while sungjong is beside me, the band started playing and after a few minutes hoya hyung started singing and i turn and look at the screen when sungjong is about to sing his part, i look at him through the big screen since thats all i can do where i wont be noticed and notice that his eyes are getting red,

i just turn around when my part is about to start and started singing, i tried to focus on the song but my mind keeps on bringing me back to sungjong, im sure at this moment he is already crying especially when our fans started chanting "saranghe" im sure he is just trying to keep it in and compose himself. during his part again he was trying to continue singing even though his voice is trembling and his tears keep on pouring, i dont need to look at him to know that he is crying i just know he is, and i just sing along with the song just so that i can keep myself rooted in my spot and not to look at him

it hurts that i cant hold him, comfort him and wipe his tears away, this is one of the moments that i loathe myself, why do i have to be so scared of what people would think and say and be so weak that these people can ruin me when they see me comforting my crying lover, why cant i be strong and just let all my restrains go and just walk to where sungjong is and just hold him and embrace him, he is just a few inches away from me but it feels like he is miles away, it hurts seeing him cry but it hurts even more because im just beside him yet i cant do anything to console him i feel so useless

the end of the song is nearing and all of us should be singing but i dont hear him singing, when the lights were out i look at him but i didnt see a thing since its too dark, i just hear our fan cheering and clapping their hands and sunggyu hyung saying thank you. as the band started playing again the lights turn on and confetti's flying everywhere, when i look at where sungjong is he is crying and his hand is covering his face and wiping his tears away. i look straight to the crowd again but i can hear him sobbing and i cant control myself anymore and so i turned and look at him, im trying to masked my worry with a smile

dammit i want to hold him in my arms he needs me but i cant do anything dammit

those words keep on repeating in my head, because he would never cry this hard in front of the fans since he doesnt want them to worry, i tighten my hold on my mic as i keep on looking at him, he just keep on crying but he must have felt my gaze because he turn around and turn his back on the crowd and my eyes and good thing woohyun hyung started walking towards the extended stage ramp so i walk towards sungjong who has his back still me, and hug him and pat his back and shoulder.

i wanted to say something but i know he doesnt want need words at the moment he need someone who he can lean on, i wait for him to calm down just a little and guide him towards the extended stage ramp, on our way he has his eyes covered and sunggyu hyung slowed down to look at him and pat his back a little, sungyeol stop on his track and console sungjong, which made sungjong sob even more and for a second stop on his track i just hold him and rub his shoulder, when we are near where the rest are standing i rub his hair and went to my position as he also went to his

we all wave to our fans and smiled at them i turn and look at where sungjong is while i grab hoya hyungs hand and bow down to the fans, i just keep my gaze on sungjong until we bow our heads, just a few more minutes and we can go down this stage and away from our fans eyes, myungsoo you can do it, when we stand up straight we all wave at our fans and i just look at them and smiled at them while in the corner of my eyes i see sungjong waving and walking towards the main stage, i went to the other side of the stage and wave at the fans and smiled at them and took off my ear piece, i wait until dongwoo hyung walk head towards the main stage before i followed.

once we are all in the main stage we all wave at them and bowed one last time to them, when we stand up straight i went and give a quick glance on sungjong and see him waving at our fans and i can see that he have stop crying though his eyes and nose are still red. after giving him a quick look i just stand there and with my arms crossed and i keep on hearing our fans calling our names waving at us and taking a picture of us.

a sudden thought comes to my mind, what if sungjong cried because he felt relieve? relieve that despite the rumor that broke weeks ago our fans still supports him and love him. his relieve that despite all that they still accepted him for who he is and what he is, and that our fans are more understandable than anyone else yeah maybe thats it, thats the reason of his tears im sure it is. i know he was worrying and fretting over it the moment he found out something like that broke out. he was scared that he will be left alone and be abandoned by his fans, though i was doubting that.

but like i said i didnt impose on him and ask him to tell me whats wrong or to even say what i think or tell him that what he is thinking is wrong. i want him to tell it to me on his own accord, though i already know what is bugging him i was there when he read it, it was my ipad he was using when he stumbled on that article. sigh i look up and release a deep breath, after a few minutes of just standing and thinking i shouted "aieru" while bowing down one last time and run towards the back and handed my mic to the concert staff.

once im at the back, the coordinator noona started running towards me wiping my sweat and handing me a bottle of water and fanning me, i took my jacket off and gave it to them and grab the water and drink it, when i got to our lounge sunggyu hyung, dongwoo hyung and sungyeol are there sitting on the couch i look around but sungjong isnt there. im sure the only people left on stage was hoya hyung and woohyun hyung, so where is that maknae go?

Sunggyu- if you're looking for the maknae he is lock up in the restroom myungsoo-ah

Sungyeol- we tried knocking but he wont answer us let alone let us in.

Dongwoo- you should check on him now myungsoo-ah

Sunggyu- he doesnt need us, he needs you so go. im turning a blind eye on this one so go comfort the maknae

thanks hyung

Sunggyu- just go we h