“Think twice before saying anything. Remember: IMAGE IS EVERYTHING.”

“Don’t entertain suitors. Now is the time to focus on your career. Dating can and must wait.”

“It’s not just you but the entire group as well.”

“Attend to your schedules diligently.”

“Practice more. Try to be more outgoing onscreen.”

 “Avoid late night parties. You saw what happened to your Hyoyeon unnie when she nearly got caught, right?”

“Don’t go anywhere unsupervised. ALWAYS inform your manager of your whereabouts.”

“Step out of your unnies’ shadows and try to be your own person.”

“You have to do WGM if you want to gain more exposure for yourself.”

“It’s just a show, Seohyun-ah. Think of this as a practice for the real thing.”

“WGM is like a rehearsal for the better musicals that you could have once you gain public recognition.”

“It’s a show. You’re not in danger of falling in love. Just keep it all professional.”

“Seohyun-ah!!! Where are you going?! We’re up next!!!” I heard Sooyoung unnie scream from the end of the hallway as I ran.

“Just let her go.” Taeyeon unnie replied in her characteristic calm, yet composed voice.

“But how?! What if she doesn’t come back on time?!” the others asked worriedly. How I heard this amidst the deafening cheers of the multiple fandoms out there was a miracle in itself.

I looked back at them one last time and raised this nametag we were forced to wear. The message was loud and clear: I’m Seohyun. Whatever issues I have, even if I run away, in the end, I’ll always come back to SNSD. It’s not just speculation or feeling. It’s a damn fact.

I threw the nametag and tried to pick up my pace. I bumped with several fangirls who managed to sneak inside, until the ‘several’ turned into a multitude. The chaos led me through the nearest exit I could find and just for my safety, I immediately clicked the door shut. Locked.

“Image is everything…”

“WGM was fake….”

“Can’t believe WGM fans are so delusional. It was a show for crying out loud.”

“It’s been five years…”

“She couldn’t even greet him in public or watch his concerts…”

“But he’s dating an actress..?”

I shut the voices inside my head and willed myself to be free from it, even for just a single moment. I could feel the tears burning my eyes, clouding my vision, taunting me to let go of these emotions even for just a second. Could I? Is there enough time? Should I? As I contemplate on these thoughts, my eyes roamed around the dingy room.

Pieces of stage clothing, props, and other materials were clumsily stacked in the place. I tried to find the most suitable corner to cry my heart out until a noticed a crouched figure. My heart was beating incessantly, and I don’t know how I knew but it’s him.

My parents, my unnies, my company, all of them warned me about everything, even the drugs on the street, but it because not one of them warned me about the one with a snaggletooth and a heartbeat. Nobody told me how to teach my heart NOT to fall in love. They were the ones who pushed me off the cliff, and though he did catch me, it was I who chose to run away. How can I find my heart if the only place where I left it is in his hands? How can I take possession of something that no longer belongs to me?

I could feel myself trembling as I quietly sat beside him. I leaned my head on the wall as I let my fingers dance on his silky, smooth hair. He’s sleeping peacefully like a child. So beautiful that it breaks my heart. How could life be so unfair? How could I want him this much? How could I miss him so much more even if he’s lying so damn close?

I took a deep breath and just let the tears flow. Patience was never my strongest virtue and during the past five years, I’ve come to the point of realizing that waiting is indeed the hardest part. It would’ve been better if we were just average citizens, just normal people who once worked together until the other decided to move on. It would’ve been easier that way than to be arranged into a pretend marriage, act all sweet for a year, then forced to forget the past twelve months never existed once it ended.

His even breathing stilled my raging heartbeat. I let my finger trace every inch of his face, willing myself to memorize even the simplest pattern. Even after all this time, I couldn’t say it to him just yet. No matter how much I want to, timing and circumstances deem otherwise.

I wanted to play the blame game. I wanted to take credit for his sudden surge in popularity when he was a rookie because had he not been paired up with an uptight, stubborn girl like me, his romantic side wouldn’t have shone through. However, just as how the sun never says to the earth, “You owe me,” I choose to love him in silence; because in silence, I find no rejection, and in silence, no one owns him but me. Look what happens with a love like that…it lights the whole sky; and for a girl named Seo Joohyun, a guy named Jung Yonghwa is her sky.

He stirred a little and I was startled for a moment before he fell back into a deep sleep. I checked my watch and realized I only had three minutes left. Is it too much for me to ask him to wake up? I just want him to hug me so tight. Even just for a second. It’ll be enough to stick all my broken pieces back together. However, I couldn’t. I still couldn’t.

With the little of the borrowed time I had left, wordlessly and helpless, I lightly traced “I love you” over and over and over again on his back. I did this several more times, in every language I could think of, until I knew that it’s time I have to go. In a split second surge of bravery, I stole a quick and gentle kiss on his forehead. A teardrop managed to sneak and fall into his cheek, making him slightly alert and soon enough, regain consciousness. I scurried away, grabbing the nearest scarf or whatever piece of clothing there is to hide my face. Just before I was able to reach the doorway, I felt him move closer and suddenly, wrapped his arms around me. I was locked in this back hug and though I tried to break free, a part of me was selfish enough not to make any additional attempt.

He wrapped his arms tightly, whispering softly as he said,

“I love you too…Seo Joohyun.”

The end.