January 2

       It's my first day at my new school after I stepped out from the old school. The first thing that poped out from my mind when I put my feet on the new school's floor was  ' Will I still be a loner? ' . It kept wondering in my mind eventhough actually there was a big possibility that I won't get any friend. I can't just tell my mom that I don't wanna go to school. And I can't ask the goverment to give me permission to not come to school. It's a must that I can't run from. But if I stay at home it will be just the same. No one is home when I'm home. Mom is busy with her work and dad just left the world years before. And I'm the only child which means I have no siblings to make my lonely life go away. A prefect boy approached me and brought me to my class after he introduced his name. I just followed him from behind without any words. Then, when we were in the class, my new class, he announced  " Attention guys, teacher are not here yet so I'll just introduce your new classmate. His name is.. "  He looked at me, meant he wanted me to introduce myself but well, I'm too nervous. I had never talk to a friend how can speak to the whole class? Without hesitate, I asked him with a slow voice " Just show me my sit. "  But I bet my voice is not too slow that some of them heard what I said because I heard they said,

" What's wrong with that new guy. Just a day and he is showing his bad side?!"

" What a waste of that handsome face, he is cold and arrogant. There's no chance for me to tackle him."

" He shouldn't be here."

The prefect guy stuttered and nervously said that there were two empty seat placed beside each other and he then walk out from the class as the teacher came in. Well, I just saw one empty seat. He must be really flustered. Beside me, is a girl. With long-straight-black-hair, dark eye like I can't see anything there, white skin that sometime shocked me cause I thought she was a ghost, with dry and pale lips stick on her perfect-shaped-face. Well, she is actually kinda pretty and nice. While everybody was hating me, she smile, talk to me like nothing had happend. Maybe my world will change. Maybe she'll be my friend. My wish is not too much right.

 

January 3

         I think we are friend automatically now. I mean with that 'girl'. Today at class we had group assignment and teacher gave us chance to choose our groupmate. When teacher asked one by one who did we chose, I said I chose 'her'. All of them looked at me shocked and confused. Mrs Kim, our teacher too. I guessed they felt like that because they thought I can't and didn't had any friend. Well you guys, you all were wrong. I had a friend, a perfect friend. She's my first friend I ever had in my whole life. I used to live alone, anywhere and anytime. Even if my past classmates wanted to be friend with me, it were just because of my background. I'm from rich family, no doubt. But I'm not happy at all. My mom always busy with her works 24 hours without even call me to ask how am I doing. She'll just be at home once or twice a week but didn't even look at my face. A thought had walked pass my head if she was really my mom or... I don't know. Even if I hope time will pass by faster, nothing will change but I was wrong. 'She' didn't know my background but she is still with me. I hope this will last forever. 

And something interesting happend today. We are in the same club! My little wish came true. Now I can have more time with her. And I won't be bored in the club. We are in the drawing club. I'm talented at drawing actually. She asked me to draw her. So I did. I didn't really understand what I felt when I drew her. I was nervous when I drew every part of her face. Her perfect face. Her eyes, her nose.. her lips. She looked really beautiful. She adored my drawing. I felt really happy. The feeling that I had been longed for.

 

January 7

     Bad news. Dianogsis test is coming. It's too early for a new year. In two or three more weeks the exam will fight with us. I don't know if I can do well. Hmm. Will 'she'? From what I observe, she's one of the smart student in class. She always got number one or sometimes number two but overall she's smart. I thought if I could.. you know.. ask her to teach me or more like studying together. Together. Yes I want to be with her all the time. It's weird. What kind of feeling is this? Is this what they called love? Am I in love? But.. will I be hurt by this feeling?  Ugh.. just forget about it. When I was home today. Mom was there too. She ignored me like always. Well she just asked me, I wanted to eat or no. So, I sat down to eat eventhough actually I was not that hungry. I just wanted to talk to her. I just wanted her to talk to me. I hoped today will be different. After for a while silence, just the sound of the plate being knocked by my spoon, it's my habit since I was a kid. I don't really follow the ettique. Looks like I am the one who will start the talk. 

" Mmm.. S.. so how are you doing? I mean your work." I was stuttering. It had been a while since I had ever talk to my mom. 

" Hm? Oh.. ermm. It's okay." 

Looks like she was shocked too. Just that? I was expecting a same question or other question that will make me feel like she cares about me. But that high hope like the KLCC building, was destroyed. My appetite suddenly faded. " I'm.. full."  With just that two words, I carried my feet and walked step by step faster. I didn't want to see her face anymore. It broke my heart. I threw my body on the bed. Looking at the ceiling, trying to emptying my mind and my heart, but suddenly without I even noticed tears started to fall from one of my eye. I closed my eyes trying to stop the tears but.. failed. I can't control my feels. Then, after a while letting out my feels, I was drawn in my own world, sleep. Dreaming a sweet life in a reality of sad life.                                                                                                           I unfold my eyes hoping that the dream will never end. But I was back to reality. Looking at my alarm clock, 5:43 p.m. , I quickly washed myself and changed my cloth to a sport cloth. Usually at this time, I will go out to get fresh air or if I will, I will jog for 30 minutes. When I was downstairs, mom was not there. Maybe she was back to her work place. I sighed. Looks like I will have to wait for another time when mom is home. Eventhough she hurted me a lot because she always ran away from her duty and responsiblity as a mom, my wish and hope will come back waiting to be fill with expectation. After I unblocked myself from the door, I walked, strolling around the playground. I love to watch kids playing there. Looks like they had no problem in life. How I wish I was a kid. When mom still cares about me eventhough I still had no friend. But even just to be with mom will make my lips form a smile, my throat let out a laugh and my heart feels the happiness. But it were all the past. Now, everything changed. I was no longer happy with my life. I hoped 'she' was here to make me smile. Well, she lived near here. " Hey. "  A familiar voice pass through my ears. I looked back. 'She' was there, smiling. She looked nice with her flowery dress. She looked so beautiful. Like an angel. Like a fairy.

"H.. Hye! W.. what are you doing here?"

" Just.. taking a breathe of fresh air." 

" Oh.. erm. Me too." Suddenly I felt nervous, I don't know what to talk about anymore. 

"So, do you like kids?"

" H..huh?"

" Hihih. Actually I saw you looking at the kids while smiling."

"Oh.. that. Y.. yes. I really like kids. How about you?"

"I.. don't like kids. I love kids!"  At a moment I was shocked by her answer when she said she didn't like kids. How can a kind girl like her didn't like kids. Together, we laughed at the talk. Then, we talked, talked and talked until I didn't realized it was near 7 o'clock. She's there when I want her to be. She made my heart calm down by her sweet words, her angelic smile , her glittering eyes, her red cheek and her.. love. I just hope.. just hope that maybe, she and I can be more than.. friend. I will reveal my true feeling to her one day and I hope no one will fill her heart except me.

 

January 12

Mom's home today. So I asked her if I can invite a friend to study with me for the upcoming exam. She let me. So, at school, I asked 'her' if she can come to my house for some studying after school. "Of course!" That was what she said.                                                                                                                                 I thought I could recess with her at the canteen when the bell rang, meant break time was running. But.. she ate with someone else.. a guy. Well, there were another two girls and a boy. But looks like she was closer to the other guy. It tooks for a while for me to notice that guy was the prefect boy that were trying to introduce me infront of the class. Looks like I have an opponent. Yes. That's right. I was jealous. I was jealous when she smile at him, she talked to him and even when she look at him. Eventhough he didn't talk or look at her but when she looked at him, it was enough to make me jealous. If I could, I really want to shove that guy from her view. I wanted she to only look at me like I always looked at her and wanted her to be mine! Ugh.. am I being to obses? Yes, maybe. Because I have never had this kind of feelings towards anyone else but her.                                                                                                                                                                         After school, I quickly approached her and led her to my house. We just walked. Our house area was not that far from school. I knocked the door, expecting mom to open it. I forgot to bring the house key with me. I hoped she was still there. The door opened. I sighed of relieved. I didn't want my chance to study with her faded away just like dust. "Hye mom. I brought a friend with me. She's the one who will study with me today."  Then, ' she' introduced herself to my mom. But my mom's expression.. she was not quite happy. Her facial expression turned to shock, confuse and then.. disappointment. I didn't know why but then she just ignored us. I was the one who should feel disappoint actually. I thought she would be happy if I got a friend but she.. I don't know. We then study like nothing happend. I asked her many questions and she looks so pleased by my hardworked to study. This was one of the best day of my life. She was only looking at me. Only me. No one else but me. She smiled at me, talked to me. I love her voice. So soft and sweet. I hope and I really want to say to her that I love her.

After I sent her home, I went back to my home with a smile on my face. " So, who is she?"  Mom asked me. My smile faded. I was flustered but managed to answer it. "Erm.. A friend. Best friend."   But I hope we can be more than that.

"Since when you can see h.. I mean since when you meet her?" 

"Th.. this year. Since the first day of school."

"Is she your only friend you have now?"

"M.. mom."

"Just answer me."  She gave a gaze at me.

"Ye.. yes."

"Then find someone else."  She then walk away coldly. Leaving me behind. Hurted. I really didn't understand her. Why can't she let me be happy? She was the one who made me smile but now, she was the one who made my heart broke into pieces. But, you know what? I won't never.. ever stop friend with her.                              Statisfied with my nap, I went downstairs to eat some snacks to stop my stomach from . But what I saw was not some snacks but 'the prefect guy'. Yes, he was here and I was puzzled by his presence. I snooped them behind the wall that separated my room from the living room. She was talking to him while.. crying. She was crying but I didn't know why. I tried to hear what they said but not even one alphabet flew into my ears other than the crying sound from my mom. From what I saw, the prefect guy tried to calm my mom down. So, now he wanted to take my mom too? She should tell his own son if she had any problem. She could share it with me. But why that guy? What am I to her?

 

January 20

I don't know what to say anymore. Now not only mom, but the prefect guy too, trying to stop me to be friend with 'her' at school. But I know that I will never stop because she was the only friend that I had. That was what I told him. " Please. It's for your own good!" He said, trying again to stop me. "It's for my own good or your own good?"  

"What do you mean?"

"You think I didn't know? 'She' is close with you, right?"  

"Wha.."  He looks confused. But I won't fall for his acting.

"The way she looked at you. It's different. But you know what? I won't give up cause she'll be mine!"  Then, I walked away without hesitation to even look back. His voice calling my name, over and over again, ignored by me. I won't ever talk or even look at his face. And my mom.. she must be the one behind it. Again she broke my heart that was broken enough with her all her doing. I didn't know if I can still love her like I used to, when I was kid.  

Whithout turning my head to look at my mom, I quickly trying to avoid her by going towards my room. But something caught my attention, she with a guy or more like man. A bit older than her. "Come here, I have something to talk to you."  I obeyed her order eventhough I really didn't want to look at her face but my curiousity was stronger. "So, this is Mr. Kim."

"So? What's with him?"

"Erm.. He.. I will just let him explain."

"No. I don't want to hear." I tried to take off my hip from the sofa but stopped by Mr. Kim.

"Wait! We must discuss about 'her'."  I stopped. 'Her? Did he meant her?' That were what I thought. Then one by one, he explained to me all. From introducing that he was a doctor and.. all. After I had enough hearing things that made my ears felt like bleeding, I went to my room while tears started fall. I don't know how much tears I had been wasting through all this month because of those s***s. And this one is the worst of all those. 'She'.. the one I adored. The one I had been wanting to only look at me. The one I had been wanting to make her mine forever. The one that I want to touch. To her shining hair. She the one I loved.. had fade away through the air that I can't see but feel it. She.. the one who I created! With my own imagination. She had never been exists even for a second in reality! I hate her.. no.. myself for creating her. Now it all made sense. There had been only one empty seat this whole year. She was not even sat beside me. It's funny right? I loved my own imaginaton. I just wanted things to go back to normal. Eventhough she made me felt happy but that was actually myself. I don't want to waste my life for that stupid memories that I created with her. The more I wanted her to fade, the more she came to me cause I really wanted her to be real. But what can I do, she was Unreal. And she is beside me right now..

 

May 22

Hey, diary. It has been a while since I wrote about my life on you. Know what? I can finally forget about her and I think by making friend with him, the prefect guy, helped me to continue my life normally. And my mom, she had change. She is now like how she used to be when I was a kid. She didn't ignore me anymore. I relieved that everything had change from bad to good and I hope it won't be worse. I hope this last forever eventhough in the deep, bottom of my heart I miss 'her' and wanted her to be real.. I didn't take any medicine now although the doctor, Mr. Kim said I still had to take the medicine cause I'm not fully recover yet. But I think I'm okay now. I hope..

 

May 24

    Why it had to be like this? 'The prefect guy', my close friend moved to another school. I asked him why and all he answered was it was because of his parent's work. Who am I to stop him from leaving? So I just thanked him for all his caring.. Actually I was happy he can now live without had to take care of me. I don't want to be his problem anymore. And worse, mom said she will just come back home twice a week. Just like when my life started to break. I thought my happy life will last but what were all these? Say bye to happiness and hye sadness.

  5:45, I took my feet to a cafe. There was a new cafe near my house area. It was built last month. I took the oppurtunity to go there to let out of all the sadness that had not been in my life long enough. But something unexpected happend there. I saw something or more like someone that I longed for.. to be real. You're right, it was 'her'. The girl that I created but now she was not the one like I created because I saw the differences that were hard to explain but I know and I hoped she was real. I took the chance to approaced her to comfirm whether she was real or just unreal.. I strengthen my feet to walk towards her.

"Hy.. hye."

"Erm. Hye."

"Do you remember me?"

"I'm sorry but I don't think I even know you."   'Yes! That's right. You shouldn't know me cause you're her but in reality and you didn't even know me.' That was my thought at that time. I was really happy and I built a new hope. I saw her hugging a book. It was one of my favourite book. What a coincidence! I took this possibility to be close with her. Then, without I even realizing, we were in a table. Talk to each other like we didn't know each other. Well, that was right at least for her. She talked to me, looked at me and even smiled at me.. The unreal her was gone and now she was the real one. Infront of me, the one I had been longed for. I think, this is the end of a loner's diary of sad life, I wish..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Someone point of view;

Do you guys really think this is the end?

No.

At the corner of the cafe, there were two customers sitting infront of each other and one of them was observing 'him'.

"Hey, did you see that?"

"Yeah, I know right, I saw that too."

" Is he talking to himself?"

" No one is infront of him..."

A loner's diary of sad life started over again..

Now, it is;

       The end