To an outsider, Siwon's life would have been so much easier, if he had simply ignored his attraction towards Hankyung, when they had first emerged. Moral conflict could have been avoided, social stigmatism and heartbreak, too, and the two lovers wouldn't have to battle against separation and the need to hide their relationship from the public... 

But Siwon had been forced to admit, at least to himself, that he was taken by Hankyung- arrested by his beauty and stricken by how pure-hearted and genuine he was- from the very moment that he saw him. He could not ignore Hankyung, even in attempt to have his feelings for him abate.

~ Perhaps, Siwon sometimes thought, he could have saved himself a long struggle with the principles of his faith and spirituality, had he just shoved aside his romantic attraction for Hankyung and classified them into the "Untouchable" folder in his mind. 

In all of his years as an active member of his church community, Siwon had been taught (or at least, he thought that he had been taught) that homouality was wrong.

A sin. An abomination unto the Lord.

After all, Siwon knew for a fact that there was scripture that directly addressed homoual relations as being right on par and of equivalent nature to adultery, murder and falsehood.

It was no surprise that Siwon was alarmed and deeply troubled when he first began to realize how much he wanted to have Hankyung in his life, not just as a band mate or a friend, but as a boyfriend. A lover.

Panic became Siwon's primary emotion and his system seemed to be eternally shouting out "Mayday! Mayday!". He tried to seek comfort from church, but it was difficult to go to mass, as he had as a child, once he was famous. So many girls that he had grown up with, and that he had seen as good friends, with whom he could share his thoughts as would sister and brother seemed to have abandoned the concept of modest dress and public behavior. So undiscrete were they in trying to catch a celebrity's eye, that Siwon could have believed that foundation compact pads had become the new communion wafer.

And so, Siwon stopped going to his usual church, and began to focus on independent Bible study, alone.

Unfortunately, isolating himself in his study of scripture only made him lose himself, further. Seeing everything through the lense of same- love as a sin twisted Siwon's ability to reason, until he simply couldn't take it anymore.

He tormented himself with uncertainty, fear and of course, surpressed love for Hankyung, to the extent that he was sure it wouldn't be long before his performance would become affected.

Then, while on tour, Siwon had come across a small church. It had been a long time since he had gone to church, and he figured that he had nothing to lose in going. Being that it was a small parish, the chances of someone reognizing him were (he hoped) slim.

How surprised, indeed, he was when after mass, he noticed two women holding hands, as they walked out into the church parking lot.

He didn't want to be rude, but he was so taken aback that he had froze in place, with a light breeze blowing his tie over his shoulder. Siwon was even more shocked when the "perfect picture" of a typical, "good Christian" nuclear family then stepped in time with the two women, who were clearly a romantic couple.

"So we'll be sure to see both of you next Sunday, then?" Asked the mother of the family, as she took her son's hand.

Her facial expression held no malice or judgement. She genuinely wanted to extend her friendship to the two women.

Siwon couldn't believe his eyes. He was sure that, at his church, the only time that the two women would have been addressed was if someone wanted to tell them that they were not welcomed, or that they should at least not display their relationship publicly, for fear of impacting "impressionable" children.

But here, in plain view- they were still on church property - was a husband and wife and their two children, openly talking to a homoual couple.

The incident gave Siwon a lot to think about and after much toil and mental trial, he couldn't ignore that it was perfectly possible to live with God and to love another man, in his case. It was difficult for him to accept, at first, and to include in his life, but when he finally did, he felt that he could breath easier and at last, he had the courage to confess to Hankyung.

Ironically, when he did, and when Hankyung happily shared that he returned his feelings, Siwon had never felt closer to God.

~ From their very first kiss, it was apparent that they were going to have a lot to hide from the public.

It wasn't just that they were two men in a relationship- it was the fact that they were in a relationship. Such a thing was not permitted by their busy schedules and their record company. If they were ever found out, by someone on their management team, both would undoubtedly be forced to end the relationship, and Siwon was sure that consequences would be even worse for Hankyung, who was already subject to unfair treatment at the hands of the company.

Both were overworked (Hankyung, especially), but somehow, they always had time for each other. Whether it was Siwon sneaking into his lover's hotel room when they were on tour, or a quick kiss before and after a concert, both would always facilitate an occasion for contact.

~ Hankyung might never have left Super Junior, had Siwon walked away when he noticed the older man crying quietly in his dressing room, after a live performance.

But Siwon didn't- he couldn't, not when he noticed the trembling of Hankyung's strong yet delicate and crumpled shoulders, how fragile Hankyung looked, with his face hidden in his arms and his knees pressed against his chest, and when he heard the strangled sobbing that Hankyung was desperately trying to stuff away behind his hands.

"Hankyung...?" Siwon carefully nudged the slightly ajar dressing room door with the pads of his fingers. He hoped that he wasn't intruding on a private moment, but Hankyung seemed so full of sorrow and Siwon couldn't bear for him to shoulder his burdens, alone.

A startled Hankyung looked up, letting out a combination of a gasp and a choked sob. A few fresh tears even trailed down his fair skin, as his eyes widened upon noticing Siwon's unexpected appearance. He hadn't thought that anyone would find him- certainly no one on his management team cared enough to check if he was alright, and the other members would no doubt have been busy interacting with fans or discussing details of the performance with the stage crew...

But there Siwon was, standing in the doorway, with an expression of equal shock on his face, at having discovered a tearful Hankyung. Perhaps it was because he was touched that someone had actually stopped to make sure he was doing okay, or that he was simply overwhelmed with emotion, but Siwon's presence made Hankyung burst into a fresh wave of tears.

Siwon tactfully closed the door, before hurrying over to Hankyung's side and kneeling beside the elder's chair.

In a quick, but solid and reassuring motion, Siwon wrapped his arms around Hankyung, in a firm embrace, to which Hankyung immediately responded to, by throwing his arms around Siwon's neck, and burrying his face into his shoulder.

"Shh..." Siwon soothed, softly, rubbing Hankyung's back, in comfort. He didn't and wasn't going to ask what was wrong, just yet. Right now, Siwon perceived, all Hankyung wanted and needed was a shoulder to cry on, and an embrace in which refuge could be sought.

Siwon waited for an amount of time he knew not, as Hankyung cried. Never once did he lessen the strength of his embrace, despite the tiredness seeping in to even his well-trained arms, and the stiffness setting into his knees. All that mattered to him was providing Hankyung with the shelter that he had obviously been denied for an indefinite period.

It was only when the flow of Hankyung's tears finally staunched (slightly) and the Chinese man gave a little hiccup, that Siwon carefully stood up, raising Hankyung with him, in the process, and walked him over to the leather sofa stationed in the corner of the room. Not once did Siwon unwrap his arms from around Hankyung's waist.

"Why were you crying?" Siwon asked, gently, as he eased Hankyung down beside him, on the sofa.

Hankyung dabbed at his remaining tears with the long sleeve of his shirt that covered his hands (adorably, Siwon noted), and sniffled a little.

"I...I'm sick, Shi Yuan..." Hankyung began, looking at his lap.

Siwon frowned. Sick? What did Hankyung mean?

"Do you have a fever?" Siwon asked, as he made to feel Hankyung's forehead. He assumed that his elder had come down with a flu and, Hankyung being Hankyung, hadn't told anyone in order to continue on with the performance. Trust Hankyung to push himself past his limits...

Hankyung sniffed and gave a little, sad smile as he shook his head, touched by Siwon's concern. It had been a long time since anyone had shown him even a fragment of humanity.

"Not that kind of sick..." He started to explain, not exactly sure where to begin. He had not yet told any of the Super Junior members of his diagnosis.

"What is it, then?" Siwon asked, a tone of almost panicked frenzy leaking from his voice. What "kind" of sick was Hankyung talking about...?

"I-It's my kidneys..." Hankyung said, unable to go into much detail. He himself didn't really understand the fine mechanics of his condition, being that he'd only ever devoted his life to the arts and had little background in medical knowledge. All he knew was that his doctor had chided him for not taking a break from work, when his body had been screaming at him to stop.

Hankyung had almost chuckled, bitterly, at the doctor's comments. Things just weren't as simple as "taking a break"- not with SM Entertainment, at least.

A pained look of concern poured into Siwon's handsome features, and Hankyung began to regret telling his band mate of his problems. He didn't want to be a burden to anyone, or risk the careers that they'd worked so hard for, because of his poor health...

But Hankyung was not at all expecting Siwon to wrap his strong arms around his body, and pull him into a crushing hug.

"Why didn't you say anything...?" Siwon whispered, fiercely, against Hankyung's silky, melon-scented hair. "We could've done something to help...!"

Siwon's voice broke off, indicating, to Hankyung's great shock, that he had started crying.

"Shi Yuan?" Hankyung ventured, taken aback by Siwon's emotions.

Siwon pulled away, but gripped Hankyung's shoulders, his glistening eyes showing that he indeed felt Hankyung's pain as vividly as the Chinese man, himself.

"How bad is it?" Siwon barely dared to ask.

"...It's not an immediate threat to my health, but I have to take medications," Hankyung said, a little sadly.

"Does it hurt?" Siwon asked, taking Hankyung's slim, porcelain hands into his own warm ones.

"...A little," Hankyung admitted, finding that he couldn't lie to Siwon. Something about the way that Siwon's thumbs over his knuckles made him unashamed to admit, also, that the medicine he had to take made him feel really sick.

His thoughts were momentarily frozen, however, as Siwon then crushed their lips together, in an almost desperate, searching kiss. Hankyung was still for a heartbeat, then gave in to his need for affection, his need to be loved and to accept the intimate warmth that only Siwon had ever been able to give him.

Both men were slightly out of breath when they pulled apart, and Siwon leaned his forehead on Hankyung's drawing their lips so near that they might have shared a consecutive kiss.

"Hankyung, I love you," Siwon confessed, letting the long hid away words flow like church incense. "I've always loved you and I want you to be happy. And if being happy means that you have to go back home...then, I'll support you."

Hankyung looked at Siwon, with disbelief. He had never discussed his increasingly tempting thoughts to return to China with anyone...

"H-How did you know that I-I wanted-"

Siwon pressed a gentle finger to Hankyung's sponge lips, almost as if he was concerned that the very act of talking would over-exert the object of his affections.

"You're not happy here," Siwon said, softly. "You look so tired all the time, and you're not eating well...and I hate the way that they treat you..." Siwon added, with hissing distaste, as he referred to the inhumane treatment that Hankyung had fallen victim to, courtesy of their management team. "And I hate that I can't protect you...If you have to leave...I just want you to be happy, tian xin."

Hankyung blushed, deeply, at Siwon's change of address. Normally, his younger band mates called him "gege", their big brother. But now he was Siwon's tian xin, Siwon's sweetheart.

"But I'll miss you...I'll miss all of you," Hankyung said, tears springing in his eyes, again, at the prospect of leaving his band mates. Despite the vicious treatment he received from the management, he had formed valuable friendships with his "brothers" and couldn't imagine being without them. He also didn't want to jeopardize their careers...

"We'll miss you too...I'll miss you so much," Siwon said, grappling Hankyung's gorgeous frame. "But we want you to be happy."

With that, Siwon caught Hankyung's lips in a deep kiss, cumulating with his tongue probing the elder's mouth, his hands sliding under the barrier provided by Hankyung's shirt, and his well-built frame hovering over his newly claimed lover's doll body.

Hankyung felt a little flutter in his stomach as he noticed how careful Siwon was to not press his body weight against him.

The sofa turned out to be one of the most comfortable places that Hankyung had fallen asleep on, as he lay against Siwon's chest, a few minutes later, with a knitted chenilled throw thrown over their bodies. He might have been cold, had he been alone, but Siwon proved to be warmer than even a thick down comforter, and it didn't take long for the worry and tear exhausted Hankyung to fall asleep.

Siwon stayed awake for a few hours, yet, watching his lover in his well-deserved sleep. At some point, Leeteuk had come in to the dressing room, wondering where the two had gone off to. He smiled, however, noticing Hankyung looking far more relaxed and at ease than he had been, for a long time, as he lay, asleep, in Siwon's arms. Without words, Siwon indicated the situation to Leeteuk, and the leader softly closed the door, to round up the others for the return back to the dorm.

Siwon gladly spent the night in the dressing room, making sure that his Hankyung was warm enough, and had a kiss to soothe him, if he gave any sign that he was being plagued by nightmares. 

It wasn't just for Hankyung's sake, however, that Siwon had refuted sleep. He was also feeling distressed, and afraid of being in Super Junior without his lover, of letting his lover go, of not seeing his lover regularly and worst of all, of being faced with the possibility that once apart, either or both of them might find someone else.

Siwon had spent much of that night on the verge of tears, himself, as he tried not to imagine Hankyung in a relationship with another man, or with his arm wrapped around a woman's waist in a candid photo... 

But when Hankyung called him, the moment his plane touched down in Beijing, Siwon felt a tense burden lift off of his shoulders, and he came to the realization that the best thing that he could do for their relationship- for them- was to understand that of course, Hankyung would have his circle of close friends, both from childhood and new ones met along the way, just as he did, but that he sould also perhaps extend at least a little bit of the strong faith that he had in God, to Hankyung, and all of the shared times that had made their relationship into what it was. 

Yes, it certainly might have been more beneficial to both of their careers, in the interest of money, and social security, had Siwon not acted on his love for Hankyung and vice versa. How tempting it is, indeed, to comfortably avoid the risks and trials that accompanied love.

But Siwon knew that, had he not eventually pursued Hankyung, he might never know what it truly meant to be happy. He would never have been able to explore the depths of what it really meant to be a "child of the light"- to understand that God's love was not limited and was extended to all. If he hadn't taken a chance with Hankyung, even if it might have been at the expense of their own careers, Siwon knew that he would never have fully realized exactly how much Hankyung meant to him, and exactly how high on his list of priorities their relationship was.

And had Siwon not experienced that first, long seperation from Hankyung, he would have indeed been spared the occasional bouts of self-doubt and the moments of painfully missing his lover- but he would not have been spared the heartache and questioning that came in the future times when they were inevitably apart. No, they didn't always have the chance to talk to each other every day, as they had when they were both in Super Junior, but the time apart allowed for both of them to reflect and become a better lover to the other, and made the times when they were able to be intimate so much more meaningful. Thanks to what first seemed as the greatest adversity of all time, Siwon had come to be so much more trusting of love, and of God.

After all, what is the point of living without a little trust in something?

Siwon smiled, putting down his book and glancing at the clock in the elegant little oak study of his home.

Three o'clock.

It was time to pick up Hankyung from the airport.

Note:

Yay! My first completed story out of my long list of works to update! ^^

Thanks for reading :)

x Angela