It was a quiet morning. Jaejoong was keeping himself occupied in the kitchen, preparing a simple breakfast for two.

But it wasn’t the food preparation that kept his mind busy, it was due to an entirely different reason. He thought of a man whom he had known so well and for so long. The man whom he had tried getting in touch for over 4 years, but never succeeded. The man whom Jaejoong wish was by his side during these past difficult years. Jaejoong missed his smiles, his voice, his warmth.

But one night, that very man he had missed so much showed up right at his doorstep.

The man gave a hesitant smile, “Hey, JJ” he says.

Jaejoong pulled him inside, and he crushed the man into a tight hug for god knows how long.

That night had been the start of their secretive meetings.

They continued to see each other for about a year now.

He dare not to think of what lies ahead in the future, all the possibility was weighing down on him. It’s hard to leave it unnoticed. Jaejoong absent-mindedly spreads some melted chocolate on top of the warm bagels with a butter knife. Focusing on those simple motion on repeat, instead of the various thoughts that complicates his mind.

He didn’t realized he had filled in the chocolate filling a bit too much until he felt arms being wrapped around his waist from behind. A familiar scent emitted around Jaejoong, the warmth of the embrace that calmed him and the deep voice to his ears that soothed him. Everything that is wonderful to him, is his most beloved person. His ultimate weakness.

“…Morning, JJ” the person said, snugly pressed his nose in between the crook of Jaejoong’s neck, inhaling quietly.

Jaejoong couldn’t hold back a smile, “Good morning, Leader-sshi”

“Don’t call me that, say my name” the man bit his skin lightly.

Jaejoong chuckled and turned his head a little to place a chaste kiss on the other’s lips. He had missed him so much.

“How are you feeling today, my Yunho-ya?”

The other male flashed his brilliant smile that made Jaejoong’s insides a pile of mess.

Jung Yunho, the only person who’s ever been able to edge his heart to such extend.

“Would’ve been perfect, if not for the hunger”

“Oh, we should fix that” Jaejoong goes back to finishing their breakfast.

“And I know just the trick” His beloved person murmured against his neck.

“Bagels?”

“No…”

Yunho moved his hand down slowly but sensual, tracing his abs down to teasing the skin that had shown a little from the fabric of his shirt. And onto his front zip. The warm hand there with ease.

Jaejoong drawn out a gasp from the touch. Yunho the nape of his neck and the wandering hand had lifted his shirt by inches before tracing down his sensitive navel.

“I want you” Yunho whispered in his ear.

Jaejoong’s heart tightens. It ached a familiar pain.

“…Yunho-ya, I-”

Jaejoong wanted to give in, so much. But he was not sure his heart could take it. He had waited for Yunho’s response for a long time ever since TVXQ’s… ‘separation’. The tear of his heart having to wait some kind of response from Yunho or even Changmin grew wider. Jaejoong sent dozens of unreturned messages. He waited, he was still waiting.

But for all that, he never did blame their lack of response. He knew better to realize that it wasn’t their fault nor their choice.  Although it would be a lie if he were to say it didn’t affect him.

It did, in a very agonizing way.

There was not a day Jaejoong missed remembering his existence inside TVXQ. There was never a day he overlooked at the tattoos that had been engraved to his skin. It serves as a reminder to his irreplaceable past. One he could never forget nor wishes to, however those memories would always be recalled as his happiest moments. Be it a time of hardship or never-ending anxiety, he still felt it was precious. Because at least the five of them were together, and …his ‘other half’ always by his side.

Now the reality he lives in had taken away the people he swore he couldn’t live without. The pain, the frustration of him not being able to go back the way five of them used to becoming a fact that he is forced to accept. It was not easy, he’d remember.

From the start of that conflict; he remembered.

For every day that passed by with slight chance to none of being able to ever see those two again.

For every night he drunk himself down with alcohol, numbed from ever thinking the worst outcome.

Until the very day his calls to those two turned from leaving unanswered to being disconnected completely. And that night, he realized the worst had really came and he just… lost it.

Jaejoong had been a mess.

Such a mess, not even Yoochun and Junsu could help him.

How can they, when he rejected them from being near him?

He had refused everyone, even hearing those two pleaded him to open up, did nothing to change his locked up mind. All he wanted back then was not having anyone around, yet those desperate voices wouldn’t go away.

‘Just leave me be…’ he whispered dryly, he could no longer tell if there was any tears left to fall on his damp face.

No, he never wished for anyone to see him like this.

He was broken, after all.

The next thing he remembered was being woken up on his bed with two heavy piles of persons dropping down at his each side. It seemed they found the hidden key to his room.

“Jaejoongie Hyung, wake up and eat breakfast with us”

The sight of Junsu and Yoochun were clear accompanied by their cheerful smiles, it made his heart sunk. They were the only ones he had right now, how could he pushed them away like that?

Jaejoong wrapped his arms around their shoulder and hug with all his heart.

“I’m sorry, Junsu-ya, Yoochun-ah…”

“We know”, “Uri pabo-hyung” they chuckled and buried themselves on the crook of Jaejoong’s neck.

Jaejoong felt them trembling, but it wasn’t from laughter.  

He knows the pain was not felt by him alone, he saw it the day they attended MAMA 2009. Received an award that achieved by the five members of TVXQ, but only three of them were there. There was Yoochun and there it was Junsu… trying their best to put up a good appearance for the sake of their beloved fans, Cassiopeia. He held the trophy award, strangely heavy as if it carried the hard work coming from the five members. Jaejoong stared at the trophy that carved ‘TVXQ’ on it. He listened to Junsu who gave his sincerest thank-you to everyone repeatedly, he heard Yoochun uttered his gratitude to be able to stand on the stage because of everyone’s support, with a shaky voice he expressed how he wished to be able to perform on this very stage. Jaejoong took note of every word his younger brothers had said. He, himself tried to express himself without showing too much of his pain. Jaejoong wanted to at least mention the other two of his important persons, to ensure the two that he had never forgotten the love and warmth they had shared.

As soon as they were behind the stage, no longer in the eyes of public, Yoochun and Junsu had burst into tears. Instinctively, Jaejoong went and wrapped both arms around them. There were tears dampening his suit, he didn’t bring himself to care. He felt their fists clutching his suit, Jaejoong murmured soothingly to them, “It’s okay, let it out, Hyung is here”. He wanted so badly to protect what he knew within reach by all means. That was the day he forced himself not to break down like the last time. If he has to be the one and only pillar protecting the ones that are still with him, so be it.

Yunho stopped his caresses.

“Jaejoong-ah?” He heard Yunho’s questioning tone.

Jaejoong snapped out of his thoughts, delivering the man a peck on the cheek. He picked up their breakfast and brought them to the living room. Jaejoong had always liked eating in the living room, it was less lonely.

“Come, eat with me first” Jaejoong said with a smile as he sat on the couch. It was a fake smile that would appear natural to other people.

Jaejoong heard footsteps and a dip on the couch. He still put up the non-chalant acting and calls for Jiji, the cat always comes to him willingly when Yunho is around. Or was the cat actually more affectionate towards Jaejoong’s beloved person more than his owner? Huh, even his cat loves his favorite person.

Jaejoong was about to pet Jiji, that was lying on Yunho’s lap but he was halted by his wrist. He traced the long fingers trapping his wrist, tracing down to hold Jaejoong’s hand soothingly. He had always admired Yunho’s beautiful hands, how lucky he is being someone that could hold his hand. Jaejoong kept watching as Yunho brought his hand to his lips, kissing each and every of Jaejoong’s fingers gently. It looked as if he was being treasured, as if he was Yunho’s precious being that needs to be loved as much as possible. Jaejoong bit his lips, preventing the swell in his heart. This kind of intimacy weakens him.

“You’re hurt” It was not a question.

Of course, Yunho noticed.

Yunho was not ‘other people’, not once he was fooled by Jaejoong’s attempts covering up his feelings.

“It’s nothing” yet Jaejoong still go for a lie, a white lie. He tried to pull away his hand but to no avail, Yunho gripped him firmly.

He could feel Yunho’s stare burned on him. Jaejoong purposely averted his gaze, instead focusing on Jiji who was now climbing off of Yunho, probably due to the tension.

A hand caressed the side of Jaejoong’s face, tilting him to meet Yunho’s gaze.

He stared into Yunho’s eyes, Jaejoong felt like an open book when Yunho looked at him like this.

Slowly, his eyes fluttered close as Yunho kissed him softly.

‘Dangerous…’ His conscience spoke.

Jaejoong broke off the kiss, “Yunho, I can’t-”

“I love you” Yunho said to him, assuring him.

He could hear the sincerity of those words he longed to hear. He knows it’s true, but he didn’t dare to let the words sink in his battered heart.

Jaejoong couldn’t look at Yunho in the eye, instead he stood up and stated he was getting their coffee done.

Yunho suddenly hugged him from behind. Jaejoong froze, afraid Yunho would say something he was not ready to accept like he used to in the past. But the man had not said a word, and the embrace had warmed him up. Yunho was hugging Jaejoong until he felt his tension relaxed, until he was calm enough to lean back against Yunho. He realized the man was trying to help Jaejoong keep a hold of himself. Of course, he would support him, that’s Jung Yunho alright. His loving Yunho.

“I’ll make coffee for us, you’ve always love my coffee right?” Yunho softly said and placed a chaste kiss on his neck.

Just like that the warmth was gone, Yunho had gone off to the kitchen. Jaejoong stood there in the same spot, finally letting out a heavy sigh. His hand moved to touch the lingering kiss on his sensitive neck. He closed his eyes. “Pull yourself together, Kim Jaejoong”

Jaejoong did not mean to avoid Yunho like that. He was truly happy when he found Yunho right at his doorstep yesterday. He was so happy seeing him, he had forgotten about all problems he was facing. Yunho had greeted him with a smile and opened his arms for a hug. Jaejong did not think twice on throwing himself at Yunho’s embrace. The man he loved had come to see him, and they had so many things to talk about. He wanted to know everything about him, about Changmin too. And Yunho, had been curious about how the three of them were doing. They had missed on so many things about each other every time Yunho paid him a visit. They talked for hours as usual, until it was way past midnight. This time though Yunho said he could stay with Jaejoong because he had a few days leave. There was not even a question if Yunho should sleep on the couch, both of them had naturally ended up on Jaejoong’s queen-sized bed. Yunho had kissed his forehead like he used to, and Jaejoong returned him with a kiss on his cheek. Jaejoong flashed his grin and Yunho chuckled as he wrapped his arm around Jaejoong’s thin waist. Jaejoong ended up lying his head on Yunho’s chest. He could hear the man’s heart beating steadily, it soothed him. For the first time in a long while, Jaejoong had been able to fall asleep soundly.

He felt happiness again. Again, like the last time Yunho came to visit him.

It was always him having to be the one in question whether or not Yunho would keep visiting Jaejoong.

Because every time Yunho came here, it felt like a risky decision, he could sense it. Jaejoong worried if they were found out, the consequence would be upon Yunho and Changmin. He dare not to think any further than that. The first time Yunho had come here, he looked so ragged, so lost. Jaejoong just couldn’t tell the man to stop coming because it was dangerous, but Yunho looked better ever since he started to come here several times. He’d wonder the same question over and over.

‘Were you so worried about us?’

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Jaejoong woke up that morning, thinking it was just another wishful dream. One he had had a thousand times before, but proved to be only a fantasy. But it was not. He woke up to Yunho’s perfect face, the one where he can see the symmetrical lines of his eyebrows, the lining of his eyelashes and the faint scar on the side of his cheek. Jaejoong lightly traced the scars, near his eyes and down his cheek. The more he stare at this man, the more he realized how much difficulties this man had gone through. His face was beautiful, but he could see that his complexion was tainted with exhaustion. His fingertips ended up tracing Yunho’s well-defined jaw, and onto his lips. He noticed Yunho’s sleeping habit proved to remain the same, his mouth was still wide open when sleeping. Jaejoong smiled, almost letting out a chuckle but held in, not wanting to wake the tired man up from his well-deserved rest.

He had spent some time admiring the face he longed to see, basking in the other’s warmth, before deciding he should make breakfast for them. Jaejoong had wanted to ask this man the reason he came to him the other day but he just couldn’t put the right words to it. He figured maybe after breakfast they’d talk properly. He wondered if talking ‘properly’ was what he afraid of. He knew things had been hard for Yunho and Changmin. How hard it was for them to keep ‘TVXQ’ alive, making unforgettable comebacks to show they can still do it even through all the complications that had happened. That knowledge had him throbbed with guilt, his mind already filled with all sorts of possible arguments when that proper talk going to happen.

He should get up soon and prepare.

Jaejoong finally got up, or at least tried to, but halted by Yunho’s arm that was around his waist. Yunho grumbled and tighten his embrace when Jaejoong tried to move away. He blinked at Yunho’s unconscious resolve on making him stay. He could no longer hold his chuckle.

Their body shook, waking up the sleeping man. “…Jaejoong?”

“’Morning, sleepyhead” Jaejoong smiled at the man who struggles to keep at least, one eye open.

He tapped on the locked arm around his waist, “Let me go, ‘gonna make breakfast for us”

The man looked adorably puzzled for a moment, before realizing what Jaejoong was talking about. He gingerly removed his hold. “Thanks, Yunho-ya” Jaejoong whispered as he kissed the man’s forehead, “Go back to sleep, I’ll wake you when it’s ready”

Jaejoong sat up, but was once again captured by Yunho, a hand on Jaejoong’s wrist was refraining him from standing up. He looked back at Yunho, questioning. Yunho kept his gaze on Jaejoong’s eyes and then slowly hovering down to focus on Jaejoong’s captured hand. Jaejoong couldn’t think of anything as he watched Yunho slowly slid his grip from the wrist onto the palm of Jaejoong’s hand. He can’t help but notice how Yunho’s usually tanned skin had gone to a pale color. The man was in such tight schedule he didn’t even get to see the sunlight. Yunho brought the hand close to his lips and kissed the back of Jaejoong’s hand gently, reaching at the end of his every fingertip. Yunho’s eyes were shut close as if wanting to remember the caresses by his lips. It was a gesture so intimate that Jaejoong only remembered it happened during the seldom times where Yunho felt Jaejoong needed some assurance, or for Yunho to be assured himself.

It was a moment both of them knew was necessary.

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Jaejoong needed to stay beside Yunho so bad. He wanted to.

Jaejoong wanted to look after Yunho like he used to, wanted to be around him so that he could see how both of his favorite boys were doing. He wanted Junsu and Yoochun to be able to cheer the boys up, to let them know even if the five of them may not be able to perform on the same stage yet, doesn’t mean we couldn’t support them from behind. He had so many impossible wishes that grew further day by day, and yet it were all so close to him.

His expression faltered to what he had grown sickly familiar of when he was in his own thoughts. Sadness.

Jaejoong found himself staring at the ceiling as he slouch against his couch. He wanted to let yet another heavy sigh. Only to found his mouth being stuffed with the taste of chocolate-filled bagel. He snapped out of his daze.

“You’re in that deep part of mind again” Yunho coolly said, as he took one of the bagels and ate them himself.

“Yah Jung Yunho, you could’ve choked me” Jaejoong glared as he chomps off the bagel bits.

Yunho just shrugged, and gave Jaejoong that dork smile of his.

He returned the man with his very own dramatic eye-roll. (He learnt from a certain Changmin on one of his dramas). Suddenly the TV was , Jaejoong’s eyes widen in panic.

He had been watching Yunho’s drama, The Night Watchman the other night. Jaejoong have just got the full episodes from a friend of his. He didn’t mean to have just the downloaded ones, he had planned to buy the DVD itself as soon as it released. He needed the downloaded ones because he couldn’t bear to wait for the release. And he almost always misses the live broadcasts because of his schedule, so he was craving. Not that Yunho needed to know that. But still, Jaejoong had no intention in making himself known to this man as a stalker or something similar.

It was too late however. To make it worse, he had stopped at Yunho’s scene. He had been repeating that over and over just because he was obsessed with the angry expression Yunho rarely put on.

Jaejoong cleared his throat, slowly facing his eyes on a smirking Yunho.

“It’s not what it looks like” Jaejoong covered.

That raised a Jung Yunho’s eyebrow in question.

“I like the drama” Jaejoong tried again.

That made a knowing Jung Yunho (with his raised eyebrow) crossed his arms and facing him directly now.

Jaejoong dumped his face into his hand, “Fine, I wanted to see how your majestic acting had made everyone go down on their knees” Jaejoong peeked at Yunho’s still smug face, “…and your stupid angry face” And buried his face again.

Yunho laughed in his ridiculous way that pulled the strings of Jaejoong’s heart. He tells Yunho to shut up half-heartedly, only because he hadn’t heard that laugh in a long time.

Aside from the teasing that Kim Jaejoong developed an obsession over Jung Yunho being angry, both of them ended up watching the drama series together. Both of them were on their off-day, it was nice to spend the day lazing around. Yunho had a lot of side-story that had happened in the drama initially but ended up not being shown to public. Jaejoong had told some of his experience too when filming in this era of historical drama. After some time, they ended up cuddling to each other, Yunho had put down his coffee on the low-table and had a Kim Jaejoong lying on top of him, their legs tangled. Jaejoong happily leaned against Yunho’s firm chest with a coffee in hand, fitting himself in between Yunho’s legs as Yunho wrapped his arms around Jaejoong’s waist loosely. It was comforting and so relaxing for both of them. They didn’t mind the close space at all, they were more at ease this way anyway.

“How’s the coffee?” Yunho asked him out of the blue.

“You know, you make it the best” Jaejoong commented as he patted Yunho’s hand on his waist.

“’Glad you still like it” Jaejoong felt Yunho nestling near his neck.

“I love it” Jaejoong responded honestly, before shivering, “Yah cut it out, I’m ticklish there”

“I know” Yunho smiled a kiss near his shoulder and rested his chin on his shoulder.

“I came here because I miss you”

Jaejoong stilled.

He turned a bit to have a good look at Yunho. He wanted to say something, but no words came out.

“I know you have been wanting to ask me that” Yunho contemplates on his next words, “Truth be told I don’t even know how I managed to slip away from them this many time to come to you”

“What about Changmin?” Jaejoong finally said, eyes searching to meet Yunho’s.

“He said he was going to see Junsu and Yoochun a bit, but he cannot be long. He says he can cover a few days for me” Yunho explained.

“He’s going to be alright?”

“Changmin’s still our Changmin, remember? He knows how to push and pull much better than me now” Yunho laughed seemingly carefree, practiced. But Jaejoong knows it very well it was a forced one.

“It’s you, isn’t it?” Jaejoong whispered quietly, his hand goes to cup the side of Yunho’s face.

“He’s afraid, you’re going to break” Jaejoong left it as a statement, not a question.

“Is that why he’s not coming here with you?”

“…Sorry, Jaejoong-ah” Yunho spoke so softly, he almost misses the words.

Yunho was not even looking at anything, he was facing downwards. He looked so tired, so battered, so …fragile. Jaejoong could no longer bear it anymore.

He turned himself completely, straddling Yunho in haste to put his own arms around Yunho’s shoulders. Jaejoong guided the visibly trembling Yunho into his embrace. He felt Yunho’s arms tighten around him, he didn’t mind it. As long as he was there for Yunho, when Yunho needed him to be. He felt the dampness that started to form on his shirt where Yunho’s face buried in. Jaejoong didn’t say a word, instead he continues to soothe the other by rubbing circles on the man’s back. Repeatedly he whispered to Yunho, “I’m here, Yunho-ya…” gently his hair, “You’re here with me”.

The quiet cries of the leader that held such sense of responsibility, that leader that held up his head for too long in order to prove TVXQ is not just another band that take a fall after being shaken up. His leader who have always believed in the five of them having his back if he should turn left or right, he was used to seeing them beside him. Jaejoong knew the way they had to fill in the spots the three of them had occupied before, singing the same song they have sung as five before into just a two-men song were affecting them badly. The way it had affected the three of them too.

His leader who was now letting out his pent-up feelings having to be strong for TVXQ, for Changmin. Jaejoong knew the youngest must’ve noticed the odd behavior Yunho was having, the way he had forgot how to shed tears in such a while after having it restrained so many times. Jaejoong is grateful Changmin understands Yunho as much. The maknae knows better to give the leader the break he needed than having him carry on like the living dead. Yunho had forgotten that tears was what made him stronger, made him learn how to prove himself better.

“You are the best leader, more than we could ever wish for” Jaejoong held the leader’s face with both hands and kissed the top of his head,

“And it’s okay to cry sometimes, Yunho-ya” he kissed the scars near his eye.

“You have endured so much, and learnt from all that you’ve faced through” Jaejoong placed a meaningful kiss to the scar below his neck.

“You are so strong for us” Jaejoong smiled, his hands caressing his cheeks lovingly. “I am so proud of you, Yunho-ya”

His leader stares into his eyes, as if having to finally finding the last piece of clarity he had been looking for. Yunho reaches out to hold the hand on his face, he closes his eyes and kisses Jaejoong’s inner wrist.

“I am lucky to have you” Yunho says.

“I love you too” Jaejoong grins.

They shared the sweetest kiss after so long.

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“Why did you seem to be bothered by my kisses earlier?” Yunho asked.

“I was doubting myself”

“Doubt?”

“I was scared of losing you again… If I lost you, I may never recover, I needed explanation” he played with the man’s lean fingers, “You gave me one that I trust”

Yunho caressed the side of his face, “You believed what I said?”

“How could I not?” He leans in to the warm hand. “You’re my other half”

Yunho’s lips curved upwards, forming a smile so bright like it used to. His Yunho, his Leader was still alive.

Yunho slip his fingers through his, fitting perfectly, “I would always find my way back to you”

Because… because without him, Kim Jaejoong was incomplete. So does Jung Yunho to him.