What can people expect from fate? That simple thing which holds your whole world can make you feel both too sad and too happy. Even if you try hard to get what you want, if ‘your fate’ doesn’t happen as what you expect, you can do nothing anyway.

The fate tested us once years ago, when we accidently broke the promise we made since we were 5. Maybe we were too young at that time to make such promise. But for me, it completely erased all of happiness and laughs we shared. Actually it was not our fault that we hurt each other, it was just fate which wanted us to learn and grow stronger.

The scenes we created since God knows when flashed clearly in front of my eyes. Maybe it was only mine, the great memories. I didn’t think that you felt the same way. I had loved you since we were in junior high school, or maybe even before. We grew together since we were young. It made me habitually craved for your presence next to me.

I said it to you before. You really broke my heart hard when you told me that you liked that girl from another class. I knew that we were too young back then to felt that ‘broken heart’ feeling. But that time too, I realized that I wanted you to be more than a friend, or even best friend. I hated the fact that you paid more attention to that girl than me. I didn’t like it when you spend more time with her too. I was so childish right?

Three years after, we were in high school already. You came to me and told me that you were going to confess to her, your little crush. I smiled to you and said ‘good luck’. If only you saw clearly in my eyes, the burning jealousy, anger, and broken feelings were there. But I guessed you were too excited to look at my eyes with care. You ran and went to the promised place to tell her about your feeling, left the crying me in the porch in front of my home. I let you go for the second time. I let you reached your happiness even without me

Dear, if there was one thing that I could ask from God, it would be your happiness for the rest of your life. And if God offered me one more wish, I would ask that I hope you were happy with me by your side for the rest of our life.

I broke. I fell. I knew that I was a fool that I let my feeling ate up my logic. I had to be happy for you too, right? I was sorry, but I was not able to meet you anytime soon. I kept avoiding you. I really couldn’t hold my tears if I met you. Even when I saw you, my eyes were so ready to let one or two tears out.

You asked me why I change through some texts that you sent. I told you that I was busy with the preparation for entering a college next year as an excuse. I lied to you. I was sorry.

You waited me in front of my house every morning just to find out that I was left for school early. Didn’t give up, you came at night, after your date I assumed, just to meet my Mom and be told that I was sleeping or had other events somewhere. I lied again to you. I was sorry.

One year passed and I was successfully avoiding you most of time. That day was our graduation day and after that day I promised that I would completely buried my feeling deep inside my heart and started a fresh life in college. I decided to go to Cambridge to continue my study. They offered me a full scholarship and even for the master degree if I could do well in the process. I was happy for it, a half happy actually.

I told my parent to wait in the car since I wanted to meet you first, for the last time before I went to the airport at night. There, I watched you gave your friends goodbye hugs and promised them to keep in touch. After they left you alone, you looked like you were looking for someone. I decided to come closer.

“Jong In.” I finally called your name after calmed my heart a little.

“There you are, Hana.” He walked faster towards me and hugged me tight. “Congraduation, my one and only Hana. I am proud of you. Congratulation for being the first and your speech was awesome.” He broke the hug and smiled at me.

That sincere smile that I missed the most; he let me saw it again.

“Jong In. I’ll tell you a story.” I tried to clear my mind again. “This is about two people who have many sweet memories together. There was a girl who was so lucky to have that boy in her side all of the time. He was so caring, loving, and nice. But he was also clumsy sometimes and worrying over small things. They made a promise that they would get married once they grew older. The little girl was so happy until one day the boy told her that he had someone he liked. She was at lost. Years after, the boy said that he wanted to confess to his crush. He wanted to make her him.”

His expression changed. “Is that us?”

I placed my index finger in front of my lips. “Sttt…listen first!” I inhale a big amount of air to lessen the pain inside my chest. “She was so stupid and coward. For weeks she was wondering why didn’t she tried to tell him about her feeling, or at least tried to hold him and ask him to stay. It was too late. In the end, she let him go anyway.

She wanted him to get what he want, for his happiness, even though without her.” I smiled. “She was stupid, right?”

He wiped away some tears came out from his eyes. “Hana, I am so sorry. I am sorry that I..”

I blocked his lips from saying any word. “I hate the ‘sorry’ thing. And yes, it’s about us.” I stopped for a while. “I have no any other intension than tell you this at least once. I love you, Kim Jong In.. I am sorry that I was not able to make you happy with my presence. I am sorry that I broke our promise. I am sorry that I took it, our stupid promise, seriously. Thank you that you are the one that made me felt special once. I love you, Kim Jong In.” I hugged him, placed my whole body in his warm embrace, and inhaled his manly and sweet scent once more.

I lessen the hug. “Now, I have to leave. England promises me a full scholarship, so I will continue my life there. If it’s not burdening you, please take care of my parents.They love you too and they have no one to be their child when I am away.”

He grabbed my wrist. “Hana, don’t go, please.” He let a tear out again.

I wiped it with my free hand. “Don’t be a kid, Kkam Jong. you are a grown up man now. You have Soojung to be taken care of too, right.”

“I broke up with her months ago. I didn’t love her. Please don’t go, Hana.” He begged.

“I said this not to burden you. I just want to let the words out. I couldn’t keep it anymore. I have to leave it here, before I go. And I have to go now. I am sorry. Thanks you. And I love you, Kim Jong In.

5 years was enough for me to finish my study in Cambridge. I never came back to Korea before even during the breaks. I asked my parents to come though. Don’t ask me why. Yes, it was because Kim Jong In, of course. But this time, I had no excuse but came home. I got a job in Korea so came back home.

Mom told me that Jong In always came almost every day. He was being a good kid for my parents; protect them perfectly when I was not around. He sometimes asked about me too, but Mom never told me about the complete story. She also said that Jong In asked for my number or email, but I insisted that he should never contact me when I was there.

The night after my father picked me up in the airport, we decided to throw a small party for me. Mom cooked so many Korean foods. Dad bought a cake too, red velvet, my favorite. I sat in front of my parents and ready to eat when I heard the front door was opened. And time stopped for a while, or it went slowly, I didn’t know. That man was standing in front of me again. He looked surprise with my presence.

“Hana?” He blinked and then ran to me. He hugged me tight, kissed the top of my head. “I missed you.” He said.

“Kim Jong In, don’t you miss me?” Dad talked to him.

“Abeoji! Why don’t you tell me that she comes?” Jong In seemed a little bit angry.

I patted the empty chair beside me. “Sit down! And eat. You are ruining the mood, Kkam Jong! We are about to eat these delicious meal when you came.”

Mom gave him a bowl of rice. “She told me to keep it a secret.”

He scoped a spoon of rice and ate it. “Yah, Kim Hana,,,”

I blocked his mouth with my palm. He talked with full rice inside his mouth. “Chew it first, and talk.”

He swallowed the rice and began to talk again. “You are the one who ruining the mood. Why didn’t you tell me? Why are you running away? Why I couldn’t contact you? So mean.”

“Can you please ask it later? I want to eat now, and of course spend my precious time with my parents. So please close your mouth and shut your tongue.” I glared at him.

Finally I could experience a joyful dinner with my family again. About Jong In, I was sorry that I sounded so mean. I still loved him, but I couldn’t be careless. I was stronger now. I could keep it for myself, without being too obvious.

After the dinner, I snuggled with my parents in the sofa and of course Jong In too. He sat down in the carpet below, swallowed down some chips from the bowl beside him. We watched a movie, romantic comedy.

It was around 10 when my parents decided to go to bed; leaving me alone with Jong In. Fortunately the atmosphere was not awkward at all. He placed his head in my lap, leaned to me. The movie would end anytime soon and there was no sign of Jong In would leave.

“Kim Jong In, are you sleeping?” I patted the top of his head, caressing his soft hair.

“No.” He said softly.

“Why don’t you go home now? Want to watch another movie?” I asked him again.

He straightened his body and looked at me. “Don’t you want to say something to me?”

I confused and shook my head.

He changed his sitting position. He was facing me now. “Ok, but I have many things to say. Be a good listener, will you?”

I nodded. I had no clue at all.

“Kim Hana, I will not ask you to explain anything. Let me tell you a story. It is about a little boy who was so stupid. He never realized that he had that special someone right next to him. He was just too blind to see. He wanted to play more and tried many things. He didn’t know that he hurt his little princess. Yes, it is about us. I am the stupid boy, and you are the princess. I actually realized that something was different about you and me, but I tried to deny it. I was too afraid to admit the feeling. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. That day when I wanted to confess my feeling to Soojung, I walked back to your home because I was not sure with my feeling for her. But when I saw you cried in the front porch, I couldn’t take even a step closer. I didn’t want to know the fact. I felt so empty when you kept avoiding me. But I had no choice at all. It was my fault anyway, so I had to get the karma. Time passed, and I really couldn’t keep my feeling anymore. I missed you. I tried to find you after the graduation ceremony. But you found me first and confessed to me. You didn’t want me to interrupt your speech, so I kept anything. You didn’t want me to say any word, so I swallowed everything.”

He took a deep breath. “Kim Hana, actually that day I wanted to confess to you. Although time passed, there are words I can’t express, sinking down in my heart since that day. I am sorry. I am sorry for being a jerk. Sorry for making you wait for me for so long. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for the broken promise once I made. I also want to thank you. Thank you for loving me despite my clumsiness. Thank you for being honest about your feeling, Thank you for giving me your everything. I love you,

Hana. I really do.”

He wiped the flowing tears in my checks. “That night when you went to England, I made a promise to myself. I will cherish you. I will protect you. I will hug you and hold your hand. I will definitely embrace you when your heart feels terribly hurt. I will give my all to you. I promise.”

He held both of my hands. “I know that it was difficult to believe in me since the promise was broken once. But, I want to hold you back. I want to stay with you, living with you, sharing breath, forever. I wish we can be happy like before. I know that I don’t deserve you and your love. But I want to try, to convince you and make you love me once again. I love you.”

He kissed my forehead and stayed there for a while. Then, he went down on his knee in front of me. “Kim Hana, will you marry me?”

- The End -