MORNING GRINS, TEAR FILLED NIGHTS

Everyone was standing in the hall. Silent engulfed the whole room, atmosphere somber. "Today, we have lost a member of our own. Park Sooyoung of class 3A has passed away 3 days ago." The very mention of her name cause some to start tearing up and others to start crying silently. Everyone in the room knew that it wasn't 'pass away' but more of 'commited sucide'. However, the words were just too sensitive to be said out of the mouth of their school principal.

"Sooyoung has contributed to our schools in many ways, from helping the school's track and field team gain many medals in the recent zonal B division sports meet to helping the school by being in the organsing team for the prom night for the past 3 years."

At this moment, Baekhyun bit his lips, Irene shut her eyes tightly, Luhan's hands fiddle around. There was so many little actions taking place in the hall.

"However, Ms Park Sooyoung was most well known among the student as a advisor to their problems. Listening to every single one of her friend's problem sincerely and giving advices to whatever situation they might be in. Not once has she ever turn down a friend who requested to have talks like this with her. Even if exams were going on or she, herself, was stress out. Park Sooyoung would never deny anyone the opportunity to talk to her about their own problems."

Park Sooyoung has done many things that has aid her very own circle of friends. What she does sometimes might be considered a little extreme but to her it never was. Her actions varied from cycling to people's house early in the morning on a weekend just to comfort them to the small actions of message someone to ask if they were okay. Being everyone's listening ear and being able to give such good advices, she was the last person expected in the student body to carry out that act; commiting sucide.

She always had such a bright smile hung on her face.

"Let's now welcome Bae Irene of class 3A, a close friend of Sooyoung, to come out and give a few words on Sooyoung." Irene stared up, eyes shattered, at the picture of Park Sooyoung's bright smile taken 2 years ago with her bright blonde hair during their first year orientation's night out. How could a girl who seemed okay, turn to sucide as a option in life? 

"Good morning, everybody." Her voice was hoarse and low, an evidence that she had spend the past few days crying. "Sooyoung was a really cheerful girl, I believe all of you knew it right? Everybody must be wondering how such a bright and happy girl turn to sucide as a option of life when her very own motto was "Don't let the negativity get to you."."

Irene didn't wish to mention Sooyoung's name because with each mention, Sooyoung's face will show up like a pop up ad, filling up all the spaces in her ocean of memories along with statments like "Why didn't I notice that she wasn't okay?", "It was my fault.", "I should have notice all those things, I didn't help her.". All of which would torment her shattered soul.

Irene's finger gently flipped open to one of the pages in Sooyoung's diary. Irene remembers when she first held onto this diary; she had rush over to Sooyoung's place with hair undone and just a black 'Good Night' sweater and FBTs on after she had receive the news of Sooyoung's death. How Sooyoung had overdose on sleeping pills. The police which had condemn the entire house of the Parks and had search through Sooyoung's room to find a shoe box and her diary which had a post-it note pasted in the front of it, writing 'Please pass this to Irene' and Irene's address written at the back. Irene had spend the past few days reading all of the entries. "Have any of you wondered how Sooyoung was able to give all of you such great advice on your problems? She wouldn't be able to if she haven't undergone things that are either at the same level or worse than your problems, can she?"

Irene holds back the beads of tears that was threatening to fall. "She had her own problem, that even I as her best friend, had failed to notice. It is my fault for not noticing the bruises and cuts she has been hiding under the long sleeves of her jacket. It is all of our fault for not showing the same amount of concern she had given to our problems to her." Irene paused, catching her breath and making sure her tears don't fall because if they fall, she knows it will never stop. "She has been such a good friend to every single one of us and maybe the reason we didn't notice was because her smile was bright enough to cover up all the wounds she has."

Irene read through her diary to find out why Sooyoung had choose sucide as a option. Sooyoung had always a good family background but recently her mum had caught her dad cheating on her, that was just the start of the whole problem. This was followed by filing of divorce from her mum to her dad. Sooyoung at that time felt scared with all the questions circling her mind. With all the external problems, Sooyoung had also found out that she wasn't exactly normal like the rest of her friends; She didn't like boys. Sooyoung had intended to tell her parents that on her 18th birthday but all the unhappy incidents happen to have taken place before that prevented the actual plan from being carried out. Having the fear of people judging her if she says out her secret, she kept it all to herself. And maybe that's the reason why she had panic attacks, often enough for her to visit the clinic for medication.

"Sooyoung, she, deserves all the love in the world, all the care and all the good. Maybe we didn't show her these because we thought she would live to see us tomorrow, but she showed us all of these everyday." Irene spoke, her tone stern and serious. Scared of cracking her voice as one tear after another starts sliding down her cheek, tainting them with lines of pain and gulit. "Let us all give Sooyoung all of these by remembering and keeping her dream alive; To make school a happy place where no one has to faced problems which leads you into the dark depths of life which she has fallen into." 

Luhan stared at the girl who walked down, face stained with the path her tears had fallen, hair in a slight mess. Luhan was talking to the girl at 3.48am, the night before her death. "Sooyoung sounded alright..."

( 3.45am, Luhan picked up his phone and scrolled through his contact and 3 minutes later, he had found the contact he was looking for; Park Sooyoung.

"Erm.. Hello?" He spoke into the phone after the ringing on the other line had stop, symbolizing the other party had picked up the call.

"Hello?" A sleepy voiced replied, "Luhan, is something wrong? You usually don't call at these time... it's.... 3.48. In the morning."

"Hm. I just want to talk to you." Was all he replied the girl who he had apparently awoke up from her sleep. It definately was not a legit reason to wake her up. She needed her sleep too right? )

Luhan met on Sooyoung at the first few weeks of his second year.. He was one year older than her and was often paired up with her during their Co-Circcumlum Active of Musical Drama. The two was often not given a role at all and while Luhan rants in despair to Sooyoung, she would smile and just tell him, "It's just not your time to shine yet but it will come soon. Trust me." And he wondered how she nevermind not having a role for all her years.

Having a role, either big or small, was a form of joy to any of their members. The main stars would usally get the big roles so Luhan would be happy even getting  the small role of a begger who has only 3 to 5 lines. On the contrasting side, Sooyoung seems to be happy with her role as 'the prop mover'.

( "Oh, sure." Luhan imagines that she is smiling to the ceiling sleepily now but well that is if she was actually as in love with him as he is for her.

"I was just wondering," He paused, smiling from ear to ear now by just hearing her voice. Maybe he was blushing slightly, we will never know in the low lighting. "How are you so happy with being just a prop mover huh?"

He hears Sooyoung chuckled on the other line.

"Really, Luhan?"

He took note of how informal she was.

"You woke me up for this?"

She laughs but he likes it.

"Well, I don't think I would make a better character than Sehun or Krystal or anyone else really. I'm just too shy. Anyway, Sehun and Krystal have a lot of chemistry together, don't you think?" She raises a brow on the other end, as if Luhan could see. "Being prop mover, I contribute as a way to the musical right? WIthout me, your stage would be a mess! Everything else will be too, young man."

Luhan stayed silent after she said that, enjoying the sound of her voice.

"Luhan? Are you still there? Hello?" )

Unknown to Luhan all these while, Sooyoung actually dies to have a role and with each set back she face, she was slowly losing hope. Unknown to Luhan, her sleepy voice was fake; she had to hide the fact that at 3am in the night, she had spend her time crying instead of sleeping. Unknown to Luhan, he had made her feel slightly better about herself. Unknown to Luhan, she wasn't "shy", she had self esteem issues.

Unknown to Luhan, he would have never find the chance to confess about his feelings to her. Sooyoung would never have known of the love she could have receive from the man, all she had ever knew was that no one needed her but she was needed by Luhan and Irene.

"Maybe we didn't show her these because we thought she would live to see us tomorrow, but she showed us all of these everyday" Luhan hears Irene says into the mike and he thought,

How true was that? I never got to say my first and last 'I love you' because I thought she would always be there, be here, be alive.

Baekhyun's eye was fixated on the ground as he walked out of the huge hall of people after hearing Irene's speech, he was emotional and he felt guilt for not helping her the same way she has helped him. Sooyoung has been here since day one of him being transferred here, she was there to show him around, help him make friends and get over his usual panic attack or when his anxiety occured.

Baekhyun had anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder ( BDD ) which often leads to panic attacks and Sooyoung was the only one who knew of it. He never trusted anyone else enough. When he first open up to Sooyoung about his mental condition, he thought she would laugh or make fun of him or even get angry, thinking that he was lying or something along the line. 

But she wasn't anything like that. She just gave him a slight smile and a pat in the back with words he never would imagine to come out from someone's mouth other than his doctor, "You know if you need someone, you have me right? I'm here. Always."

By now, Baekhyun's tears had start running down like a open tap, his sobs were loud and they echoed clearly in the empty corridors where Sooyoung and he use to walk together when he hated himself for having those mental condition or when he simply hated himself. Baekhyun's delicate hands moved to his nostrils, wipping away his mucus as he continues to cries on his own, silently.

This was the first time in a long time Baekhyun is crying alone.

Baekhyun hated his body and Sooyoung knows but she doesn't say anything more than "You have nice fingers, flaunt them." She knows what to say and she starts from the smallest of his details to the larger body frame. With that Baekhyun could feel that his tiny self-esteem started growing. 

Baekhyun had not been talking with Sooyoung for sometime already. She was busy with her studies and he was busy with trying to accept himself in front of others and the mirror as asked by his doctor but his eyes never left her.

He noticed that Sooyoung has been a little bit more anti-social, a little bit more quiet these few days but he thought that it could lead to this. Sooyoung had talked about a lot of weird stuff to him the last time they spoke, and he just shot her a furrowed brow, wondering why she was asking.

"Would you still be my friend if I told you, I was gay?"

"Of course, Sooyoung, why would I anyway?"

"I don't know, maybe because I'm disgusting, you know."

He remembers Sooyoung's smile; a mixture of sadness, anger with a slightly force implied to make her smile appear on her face. It wasn't the usual bright and nature smile she always wore on a day to day basis.

It could worse everyday, bit by bit and Baekhyun noticed but he thought it was because she was exhausted with everything and each time he asked,

"Are you okay?"

She would reply with a nod and a smile which Baekhyun doubts was real.

And Baekhyun felt bad for that. The guilt was eating him up and maybe that's one of the reasons why he was crying. He had so many reasons to; he felt like he wasn't a good enough friend, his anxiety was acting up, he just lost a friend who felt like family and Baekhyun was sure no one, no one at all, could match up to who Sooyoung was to him.

Sooyoung you were more than just a friend, you were family.

A tribute book was placed in the front of the hall for any student who wished to write but out of all the tributes, there were some that stood out more. 

Just like those of Irene's, Luhan's and Baekhyun's

author's note:
OMG I FINALLY FINISHED!!! yay.
This is the first fanfic I have ever finished.
I hope you guys enjoy reading and please
do comment & subcribe.