누구세요

"누구세요" by 대국남아 (Click to listen)

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“Hello?”

It was what I said as the other end of the line was answered, stopping the endless ringing of the phone, also ending my greatest anticipation.

“Who…is this?”

Her voice smooth as velvet; her words seemed like a string of melodies sung in harmony. Hearing her voice again after so many years of yearning made my heart skip a beat and my mind wandered through all the possibilities, yet I was pulled back to reality upon realizing what she had just said.

“Um, who is this, please?”

Hearing your voice, asking who it was, made my heart fall.

I guess you already erased me.

I hung up dumbfounded as I stood still in the middle of my dimly-lit room. Men don’t cry, they said, so I stifled my cries and instead turned them to sighs.

May I cry out to you, asking if it’s true: have you forgotten me?

Of course, of course, you should have. After all, what I did to you before was more than worthy to be forgotten, lest to be forgiven. As the memories invaded me once again, I dropped my body to the bed and laid there for a while, staring at a picture of us back in the days.

She was five when we met, and I was ten. “Rika”— a name that only I endearingly call her.  She was sweet and innocent, and I was ludic and stubborn. It was quite hard to deny that we were a perfect balance. As the best of friends, we knew everything about each other. At that time, she would always smile and laugh because of me. She had always been a beauty, a factor that I have failed to notice and acknowledge. At that time, never did I realize that I took for granted her bright smiles and playful laughs.

I knew I was in love with her even before, but I took her for granted.

I always kept my distance because I knew that she would always be by my side. It wasn’t until five years later, I had to return to South Korea for good. I sent her letters and wrote a song for her, but never did I implicitly state my feelings for neither I at that time understood how I felt for her. It wasn’t also clear whether she had feelings for me. She replied constantly, but at some point, the exchange of letters suddenly stopped.

Perhaps it was because I was busy going to auditions, trying my luck in the music industry. After debuting in three groups and changing companies, I finally had my official debut as an idol and as a leader of the rising boy group, Dae Guk Nam Ah. Two years after the debut, she showed up while we were practicing which, of course, surprised me.

“Hello,” she said shyly as she smiled, her hands clasped behind her and eyes averting awkward gazes, including mine. She was back from Paris, she explained, and she was permitted to stay in South Korea indefinitely.

This time, I noticed how prettier she became. It was at that time when I felt my heart beat in a different pace. It was a feeling that I acknowledged as nostalgia. I thought I was happy because I was finally seeing my best friend. Of course, I could not deny it: I missed her, and it was clear that she missed me, too.

“You were in Paris all this time?” I asked her.

“Un,” she nodded as she wiped the glass carefully and placed in it the cupboard gently.

“What’s it like?” I smiled and looked at her as I passed her the Pyrex I have just rinsed.

“It was beautiful,” then she shrugged and laughed as she added, “Headache counts, too.”

We both laughed nonsensically. “Why the headache?” I asked.

She smiled, but this time, it was a smile that I didn’t know. “Heiress problems.”

I tried to laugh with her. As I wiped the remaining bubbles off the sink, she hugged me from behind.

Quite shocked, I called her by her nickname and stopped what I was doing. I turned off the running faucet, allowing us to be enveloped by the sweet, silent atmosphere.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, her voice full of sincerity. “I just wanted to be sure that this isn’t just another dream and that I am really with you right now.”

After her words, she loosened her hug. My heart dropped. I gently turned around to face her and pulled her closer to me than ever.

“Don’t let go,” I said.

Finally, she relaxed and buried her face in my chest. “I missed you,” she said.

Things were different, however, as I thought that I might never see her again.

I was convinced that my feelings went away with the thought. As a man, I dated girls, but none of them was serious. It wasn’t until Song Eun Hae. I didn’t want to cheat or replace Song Eun Hae, but Rika’s coming back to my life did shake my feelings in unfathomable intensities to the point that I was confused as to what I really felt.

Song Eun Hae had been by my side since I was a trainee. We were trainees together, and she was my biggest supporter, but she decided to give up the opportunity and become successful in the field of academics instead.

Everything had gotten messed up at the time Song Eun Hae and Rika met. I got more messed up when I noticed that Son Hyunseok, leader of idol group X-5 and also under the same company, and Rika suddenly became closer than she and I could have been.

Son Hyunseok went out with Rika more than often, and so did Eun Hae and I. My actions got more irrational whenever I see both Son Hyunseok and Rika, so I did everything that I can to stay away from them, a tactic which I later on realized that Rika had also been doing in order to avoid me.

Why could I not stand seeing her happy with someone else?

The next year came by like the speed of a lightning. The following days had been series of emotional torture for me as I was clearly feeling that something rather ominous was fast approaching.

One night when everyone was restless, I met up with Eun Hae, had dinner and brought her to the dorm. As soon as I got inside the dorm, I immediately went in front of Rika’s room and knocked. I was worried.

I knocked the second time. There was still no response. I was anxious.

“Rika?” I called her name as I knocked on the door louder than before.

I knocked again. “I’m going to barge in, okay?”

“Hang on a sec,” I heard her voice say faintly beyond the locked door.

As soon as she opened the door, I immediately stepped in. There was nothing unusual in her room, and she stood in front of me, looking quite annoyed yet stunned at the same time.

“What were you doing?” I had to ask. Was there another way to tell her I was worried?

She answered in an annoyed manner totally different from how she used to be. For the second time in my history, I felt my heart drop, but I neglected the feeling yet again.

“I was just rearranging the room, why?” she asked quizzically.

“Do you need any help?” I asked, to which she reacted in a subtle surprise.

Perhaps I was not sane. Perhaps I did not know what I was doing. Perhaps I did not know what I was feeling back then, although I was really intent on the thought that Eun Hae was worth fighting for at that time. Eun Hae will be the one I will fight for because she fought for me when no one was by my side.

“How could I compete with her when she’s your best friend who seems to have the perfect everything?” Eun Hae questioned with jealousy clearly implied.

“She’s just my best friend,” I told Eun Hae. “But you are my girlfriend.”

I wondered why, despite reassuring myself that I will be happy with Eun Hae, I just felt worse than ever. Rika happened to be nearby and as soon as I realized, it was like hearing my heart break. I kept up my strong façade and coldly passed by her while she recovered by the balcony and left the dorm to escape with Song Eun Hae for the night. I had never felt so conflicted.

When I was sure that everyone was asleep, I silently went in the dorm and into my room. I checked the clock at my bed side. 3:45 AM. I laid down on my bed and just stared at nothingness.

 A few minutes later, I heard the soft clank of the door as it closed carefully. It went on for a couple of times and stopped. It was then that I heard voiced from the outside. Due to the silence, what might have seemed like whispers sounded as clear as a playing musical note.

First was a deep voice: our maknae Jihwan’s. Second was the same velvety smooth voice: Rika’s. I stood behind my door.

“Rika?” I heard Jihwan’s muffled voice.

“W-why are you out of bed?” Rika exclaimed.

“Just…” Jihwan faltered. “Where are you going, all dressed up like that?”

I panicked. My hand reached for the door knob before I knew it. Fortunately, I stopped myself just in time and decided to eavesdrop some more.

“My time is up and I have to go home already,“ she said seriously.

There was an unbearable pause and I could have had almost broke the door had she not retracted her statement and laughed. “I got you!”

I sighed relieved. Why did I sigh a sigh of relief? I went back to bed and continued staring into nothingness again.

I heard the door next to mine as it closed. I got up a minute later and began to walk towards my door. I turned the knob and pulled it open.

Rika was in front of me. Surprised, I asked, “What do you think you’re doing in front of my room in the middle of the night?”

“I, uh…” she stammered as she pondered what to answer him.

“And why are you dressed up like that?” You look so beautiful, but who are you meeting up at this time of the day?

“I’m going out with Hyunseok-oppa right now,” she answered while avoiding my gaze.

“Son Hyunseok?” my jaw automatically clenched both at the name and at the thought. “Look, I don’t want you with him. He isn’t the type of guy you want to fall in love with. Sooner or later, he’s going to leave you for no reason and find someone else better.”

“What do you hope to achieve, Lee SuHoon?” She said my name with such resentment; I was at loss with words.

As she headed to the main door and reached out for the knob, I pulled her closer to me and cornered her onto the wall. I looked to her eyes and so she did to mine as I leveled my face to hers and leaned, my lips reaching out to hers. Contrary to what I expected, she didn’t fight me back.

I pulled back and saw her tears stream down her face. She no longer looked at me. I could not see her eyes.

“You don’t understand anything at all, Lee SuHoon,” she said in a tone darker than ever.

What have I done? Neither I comprehended to what I just did. Should I explain? But what should I explain? The words went, stuttering and choking me.

“Rika.” Her name was the only sound that came out.

I leaned closer, but this time, she pushed me back with all her might. Rika, are you pushing me out of your life?

“I’m sorry,” were the last words I told her. She shook her head. She did not want to hear any explanations. She wanted to run away. She felt far and out of my reach. The moment she grabbed the door knob and ran away was the same moment everything became more apparent. The farther I felt her presence, the more I felt myself disappearing.

How could I have thought that it would be the last time seeing her? How assured was I that time that she will be back by the time the sun has risen? How sure was I that my words will reach her again? How could I have known that never will I again see her laugh and smile for me?

I pressed then erased your number.

I looked at the photo of us framed by my bedside. You looked really happy. We looked really happy. I shed tears while looking at your photos.

For the last time, I couldn’t take it so picked up my phone and dialed your number again.

“Hello?” My breath stopped short when I heard a strange voice that wasn’t yours.

It was a man’s. “Eri-chan’s busy right now.”

First, you asked me who I was. You didn’t recognize my voice anymore. Then, it wasn’t you who answered the phone.

I guess you forgot me already. I guess I deserved this.

I guess you erased me…when I’m still in love with you. My feelings for you never disappeared since the day we met.

“Who are you? Where is she?” I asked. I miss her, can I at least listen to her voice?

Are you with her? Can you tell her that I loved her so much?

 

 

 

“I’m Eri-chan’s boyfriend,” he told me over the phone. “She’s currently doing something. Who is this?”

 

 

 

It’s been so long. Of course, you’d meet someone: someone who could make you happier, someone who would wipe your tears away when you’re sad and make you smile.

I prayed that you wouldn’t meet someone new, but it’s too late. You have met someone new.

I waited for you to come back. Since that day you left and disappeared, I never stopped looking, waiting for you.

But as soon as you picked up the phone, my tears fell. You no longer remembered me.

I’m not in your heart anymore.

It’s been years and I thought I’d be fine.

It was only tonight when I finally realized that I was good at holding it in even though I missed you.

I expected. I thought we will see each other again. I thought you would wait for me like I did for you.

But why would I think of that after all I did to you?

“Hello?” her boyfriend asked.

I miss you. I miss your voice. Can I at least listen to your voice?

I have so much to say.

I’m still waiting.

I miss you so much.

If only I could bring back time…

I guess you really left.

I guess you hate me…when I’m still in love with you.

 

“I could pass her the message if you want?” again, her boyfriend asked.

 

Who are you? Are you with her?

Please tell her I loved her so.