the history of the greatest romantic paraadox.
(oneshot, btw)

It started with a prank call.

But how could you tell the entire student body that the pretentious Gucci-clutching maniac fell in love with the know-nothing dweeb from a single call--hell, it wasn’t even meant for him? You just can’t. So naturally, they said they met in the library.

Which, honestly, is just as ridiculous, if you ask me.

But who the cares, Oh Sehun says, because they’re together now, and that’s all that matters. And then Zitao would do his fashionable roll of the eyes, doing some sort of metaphorical hair flip--and yes, I’m talking about that flippant expression that needs no hair to have just as much sass and arrogance.

So who the cares? Apparently, quite a lot of people.

Thus, here I am, to your rescue--an exclusive essay on the Behind The Scenes of the greatest couple in our school--brains and money, awkwardness and social infamy all wrapped up into a ball of gay giggling--I present to you the history of Sehun and Tao. I’ve gotten at least a hundred text messages asking me to write an article on this topic since Baekhyun’s Gossip Column came out. (I appreciate your attention, but please give me more requests so I actually have something to write about after this article.)

So let me get things straight. I was friends with Oh Sehun since, like, the second grade. And I knew he was gay in around seventh or eighth grade when he clutched my hip at the eighth grade dance (so it was eighth grade, okay) and preceded to tango me into the center of the school ballroom. Of course, that’s when I figured out I was gay, too, because I mean, what’s not to like about a dashing young lad gripping your hip along the beat of Britney Spear’s “Evacuate the Dance Floor”? (I’m pretty sure the entire school evacuated the dance floor when Sehun started showing off his “moves.” And those quotation marks are no joke.)

There’s myth number one blown. Sehun was never bi. He was never teasing any girls. He was just really legitimately interested in talking about Hannah Montana (I was friends with him since the second grade, so I have all of his character analysis essays on each character in that show--I kid you not).

But I’m getting off topic. And don’t ask me after this gets published if I ever had a thing for him, because I didn’t. I mean I saw his privates when we showered together and all, but nothing really came to me when I looked at it. Lanky nerdy sassy es aren’t my thing. More like tall, awkward, good at guitar, good at rapping sort. (Are you getting my vibe, PCY? I’m sending a code out to you. Don’t be surprised if you get flowers with a note that reads “PROM?” by next Tuesday.)

So where was I? Right. Nerd Sehun.

And then there’s Huang Zitao, the rich as exchange student that nobody cared about in the beginning, but somehow by the end of freshman year became the biggest commodity in the school. (There you go. Tao’s bi. I mean you can’t be a hot commodity unless you appeal to both masses.) Honestly, I think it’s all of those free Gucci bags he keeps throwing out at his stoner parties that keeps his reputation up, but that’s just my opinion. It might be his dashing charm, too. I mean, if you can see it. (Obviously, I can’t.)

Up until freshman year, Oh Sehun and Huang Zitao were at totally different poles, different ends of the spectrum, different stereotypes of the stereotype scale. I mean if you could point out two people who were the most opposite to each other, it would be Oh Sehun and Huang Zi-ing-tao. (You deserved that one, Tao. Don’t pretend you didn’t steal my pink post-it packet from my backpack in the locker room last week. I know it’s you. At least have the decency to not use it in English class. You sit in front of me.) Anyways. So freshman year, 2010, Sehun and Tao had nothing to do with each other.

Of course, that is, until the infamous Froshie Field Trip, which is adamantly fought against by the school board, hunted down by angry administrators, but yet still held by our resilient students, who somehow manage to slip under their radar year after year to hold the infamous “crowning.”

Long story short, Tao was forced to prank call the principal and tell him to “ himself with his papers” without disguising his voice. (They had duct tape readied near his eyebrows in the case he decided his actual voice resembled Minnie Mouse or something.) Of course, he was one number off because his fingers were trembling so much, and the es that held the event (who can’t tell the difference between an 8 and a 0, apparently), let him go. Three rings later, who else but a nasally Sehun would reply?

“What?” (Just imagine 200% of the lisp and 300% of the confusion.)

“Go yourself with your papers, Mr. Langan.” Nervous giggling. A prompt hang up.

Of course, the next day, when Zitao goes to Barnes & Noble (because as pretentious as he is, he still needs to buy prep books for tests) and meets none other than the congested Oh Sehun. Who, being the socially awkward kid he is, glances at him at least fifty times, thoroughly creeping Tao out, before approaching him.

“Did you call me yesterday and tell me to myself with my papers?”

“No.”

“My mom overheard that and now I can’t play Starcraft for a month.”

“I’m sorry.” (Obviously he kind of wasn’t.)

“Buy me a green tea frappuccino from over there (I dare not advertise, but I’ll give you a hint--it rhymes with Tarbucks but has an S in front of it), and we’re even.”

And Tao throws a Gucci bag at his face.

Just kidding. But wouldn’t that be funny? Gucci bags as currency. I could see Zi-ing-tao doing that. Anyways.

So Tao buys it for him. And Sehun says something about hating his parents, apparently (always a common bonding ground--talk about common enemies creating a field for friendship). And Tao murmurs in agreement. Pretty boring, don’t you think? Not like, Barbie collections or something. (Someone needs to get back to me on the rumor that Tao has a Barbie collection at home. Something tells me it’s not a joke pulled out of someone’s .)

They leave. Post-one month, Sehun’s crying on the curb of the school parking lot because he doesn’t have a ride home and Tao walks past him. But he turns around and asks Sehun if he’s okay. Just kidding, Tao’s not that humane. In reality, he asks Sehun if he would mind doing his physics homework. I mean, come on, the kid’s crying on the curb and the first thing that comes to mind is “will you do my physics homework?”

But even better is Sehun’s reply: “If you drive me home.”

Can you imagine! Sehun texts me as he’s going home, sitting in Tao’s car, something along the lines of “lol huang zitao’s mum takin me home rn in exchange for some physics problems.” I’m obviously not going to tell you all what I replied to him because it might get me suspended, but I’ll leave it at that. Anyways apparently Tao got really angry and demanded for more problems later on because his mom yelled at him about having to give a ride to a stranger or something like that.

So a few more exchanges of physics problems later, Sehun decides to tutor the in the subject. Because he realized that a more efficient way is to get the idiot running on his own instead of feeding off Sehun’s brain every week.

And that’s when my knowledge starts getting a little hazy. I mean my own theory is that this is when Sehun and Tao started having those jiggly feelings, you know? I mean he would avoid any questions regarding Tao and he even once ing defended the kid. (I’m still hurt by that remark, Sehun--boyfriend over best friend? Or are we going for a ? Just kidding, I have my own plans. Prom plans, to be specific. (You heard me, PCY.))

So there you go. There was no library where they bumped into each other and suddenly fell in love. (Tao and Sehun--seriously, if you’re going to come up with a cover-up story, you need something better than “we met in the library.” Now I’m just revealing it all to the public.) And god forbid, Sehun never ed himself for Gucci bags and Tao never sold himself for grades. (Well, kind of, if you think about it. But never mind.) And all of those other rumors about third cousins or seventh cousins or all that needs to go away--these aren’t the ing medieval times. It was a ing prank call.

There’s your answer. Thought it would be a lot more dramatic, didn’t you? But it was totally worth the fifty cents buying this pamphlet. Buy Baekhyun’s Gossip Column again next week. I promise I’ll have more juicy insights on the romantic and totally unromantic (e.g. Sehun and Tao) relationships in this hellhole of a school.