"He's out again?" I asked, you didn't look at me, somehow the corner of your bed was more interesting. Something was wrong. Were you thinking the same everyone was?
"Yeah. But it's no big deal. He needs time with his friends too. It's only natural." You responded. No, you didn't think the same. You were denying it. Or were you? Who were you really trying to convince?
"Alright." But I didn't have the courage to go against you. No, I did. But I didn't want to break your heart, even if it wasn't really me who was doing it. It was him.
"Want to go out on a walk then? I'll buy you something. You pick." I replied. I would be your escape. As I always was.
"Oh! Can I have-?" Your eyes lit up, my lips curling into a smile instantly at that sign of regained happiness.
"No. You can't have the teddy. It's too expensive." I headed towards the door, looking away, pretending not to notice the cute pout your lips had formed. Hiding the adoration in my eyes.
"But you said I can pick!" You exclaimed, following after me, taking your coat when I handed it to you with a grin.
"Anything but the teddy. And nothing as expensive." Even though you wanted to act like you were disappointed, I could tell.
"Fine. Buzzkill." You were grateful. And so was I. Because for these moments, I could be the reason behind your smile. Just for once.

I held my breath. Your fingers. Wrapped ever so delicately around mine. Cold. But they filled me with warmth. I grasped on to them, held your hand as we headed down the street.
I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. Or was I overthinking it? Friends hold hands. You were the one that grabbed my hand. And I was your friend. That's who I was to you.
But that's not who you were to me. I knew that. That's exactly why I felt this way. Why I felt like I had to let go. Because I wanted it too much. This, and so much more.
"So you really-?" You started, shaking me from my trance. Of course. The teddy. There it was, sitting in the window of the store. Your gaze fixed upon it, eyes twinkling with delight.
"No." I cut you off. As much as I didn't like it, I really didn't have the money. And you knew that. Maybe that's why you only pursed your lips again, gave a nod. A small silence.
"Alright. Another time, I guess." You said, a grin breaking through your pursed lips as you turned to me. I couldn't help but laugh. You always managed to surprise me.
"You're a sneaky one." I replied with a chuckle still in my voice. You were so proud. Because you knew you were funny. You loved it when you made me laugh. And I loved it too.
"Of course, you know me." You stated cheekily, giving a wink as you continued walking, away from the teddy. And I stood there.
If only you would put so much effort into making me laugh because I was special. More than a best friend. Maybe, if I were him. 
Oh how I wished.

You stormed into the room. Your appearance shaking me. Why were you so angry? But more importantly, why were you so sad? Confused?
"Can you believe her?!" You exclaimed once you caught my gaze. I stayed quiet. I didn't know what she had said. I had an idea though.
"She doesn't know him. He has just been busy. He needs time to lay back and relax." You continued. But your eyes told me what you were trying to deny. You knew too.
"His friends are just supporting him. I don't really..." You stopped. Because you knew what you were about to say. 
That you didn't know him like they did. That he needed them, not you. That he didn't need you. And you couldn't say that. Even if it was horribly true.
Your eyes showed it all. Like glass shattering. Starting with small cracks, the pressure increasing until it was too much and the shards came crashing down in the form of tears.
"Why won't he come to me?" You uttered, your voice as broken as my heart was by the sight of your grief. I hated myself. 
Yes, I was hurting for you. But I was also hurting for me. Because all of this sadness that was tearing your heart apart came with the love you held for him. Not for me. 
"Hey now..." It's all I could say. I couldn't speak. I would say something stupid. I would tell you that I knew. That he didn't deserve you. And I would hurt you with the truth.
And so I opened my arms as I closed my lips. I would be your escape once again. And of course, you ran to your escape, jumped into it's embrace. My embrace. Warm with love. Bittersweet.

Your phone rang. Please. Not now. I didn't want it to be him even though I already knew in the back of my head. I was just too stubborn to acknowledge it.
I watched as you picked up the device, your eyes lighting up at the sight of the name on screen. Of course it was him. Who else would it be?
But why now? Couldn't he have waited? Or did he know too? That if he didn't call you now, you might slip away. Break through the illusion and away from him.
Of course he couldn't let that happen. Who would let that happen when it would be you they would be losing? Nobody would. Or nobody should.
You put your phone down, a hopeful smile on your face as you turned to me. He had managed to reel you back in. I loved your smile but I hated the reason.
"He wants to meet up with me! I'll text you about when I'll be back, okay? Bye!" You said it like you weren't even in the room any more. And soon enough, you weren't.
Out the door you went, to meet him. And he would smile when he saw you. You would see it and smile yourself. You loved his smile. You loved him.
He would take you into his arms and kiss you. Probably take you to a nice café or a restaurant. Maybe even just wander the streets with you. And you would love it.
And he would have you again. Everything would be right back to the way it had been. And the process would repeat itself, even if you didn't want it to. Even if even I didn't.
Because it wasn't on you to decide. Nor was it on me. It was on him. And he didn't care. You knew that. You had known that. But you didn't want to. And so, you went back to him. Always.

The door opened. But why? You hadn't texted. It couldn't be you. But it was. And the look on your face hurt. 
Things were different this time. You would be with him if they weren't. But you were here. With me. Away from him. It wasn't your choice.
Without a word, you were in my arms. And I held you like he should have been doing. But he didn't. And I comforted you. And he didn't. I loved you. He didn't.
I stayed with you. Which he hadn't done. You stayed with me because he hadn't. You held on to me because you lost your hold on him. He was gone now. And you were with me. 
You kissed me. Just like that, I forgot the world. I forgot about him. I forgot about everyone else. You were my only thought. My only memory. The only thing that was important at all.
And I would stop breathing before I would stop holding you. Kissing you. Keeping you as close as I could. Pouring out all of it. Everything I felt for you. And you gave it all back.
Just for a night. Just for once. Everything was right.

But it wasn't. Not then. And not when I woke the following morning. I knew. And I knew you would know once you woke up. Maybe you wouldn't admit it.
I couldn't let that happen. As much as I had wanted this. Wanted you. I couldn't. I had to stop this. Before it started. Because I knew all of it wasn't for me.
The things you felt, everything you gave me that night. It wasn't for me. It was for him. But he wasn't there to take it. And he wouldn't ever be again. 
That's why I got it. This once. Maybe a few more times if I let it happen. But it would kill me. You would kill me. With love. Love that wasn't for me. But for him.
It hurt. Everything hurt. Had it been worth it? Had one night really been enough for this? For this pain? For this world? This world where you would love him. And I would love you. 
"Morning..." You muttered. I knew you knew. You knew I knew. I didn't have to speak. You were right. I did know you. And you knew me. We knew each other. We knew what this was.
We couldn't. It hurt. For me. For you. For us. It hurt us both. Because we knew. 
You kissed me. But you didn't want me. I kissed you. Oh did I want you. Dear God I did. But you weren't mine. 
You wouldn't be mine. Not even if I gave my life for you. Gave you all of my love. It wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough. 
Because I wasn't him. If only I were. If I were a boy. If I were him. I would've given you everything. 
But I wasn't. And I couldn't. But I did. And it would kill me. You would kill me. And he would kill you.