The wind is cold early in the morning. It is another day but I am still in my bed. I don’t move though I am wide awake, with the sun slightly teasing me with its first rays for the day. I pull my sheet further up to block it, resenting the warmth. I search for the cold; I seem to have developed an addiction to it recently. Another swipe the cold wind takes on me and I slightly shiver. The sheets were thin, on purpose, so feeling the cold was not a surprise. The tickle I felt when the effect finally faded off reminded me that I was still alive and I needed to live another day. It was another day in my dull routine that was chipping me away, little by little.

My eyes are still closed, I refuse to wake up and walk into the routine that I despise more with every passing day. However, I know that I will do so eventually because of him.

I turn around under my sheets to come in contact with his chest. It feels firm against my folded arms and I still haven’t opened my eyes. I try once again to fight him, as I do every other day and fail miserably as he slowly calls out my name. Squinting hard against my will, I open my eyes slowly to be welcomed by his ever shinning smile. His smile defeats sunshine. There is nothing like it in this world, I tell you. I try to escape it but I lay there, staring into his eyes, drinking in all his beauty.

He was born as Hoseok, people call him J-Hope. I call him both ways but mostly he’s Hope, my Hope. He makes music and he masters dance as he raps his lyrics and the world echoes them. He’s a star, the whole world is aware of him and half of them love him. The other half comprises of people that don’t know him and hate him. About the haters, we don’t really give a crap and the rest that still remains oblivious to his presence, we’re getting there.

‘Wake up now…’

His voice always sounds the same all the time. That cheerful, warm and soft tone stirs my insides every time I hear it. He also has a comical tone that he loves to unleash on me whenever he gets a chance. It leaves me in tears, from all the laughing that follows without fail. Mornings, they were always his time to make me feel warm. It was his routine now somehow. He has been doing it for days now but he still hasn’t shown any resentment or anger towards it. I look up once again with my slightly open eyes. He’s still smiling at me.

I shuffle under the sheets and pull myself closer to him, locking my arms closer to myself. Without a whimper, he closes in on me and puts his arms around me, just like he does every day. I bury my face in his chest, them being so firm from all the training he receives, yet still warm enough for my forehead to feel at ease as I brush against him, trying to make myself comfortable. He adjusts further, allowing me to settle, his t-shirt fabric caressing me with his every movement.

‘I don’t want to…’ I spill out my words lazily and he chuckles.

He has heard this now for a long time and he always chuckles as I utter them out of habit. I wonder how he doesn’t lose his temper and then realize that he knows that he is capable enough to win this battle in the end. He wins, always. He does though because I let him.

‘You have to get up and live your life. This is not what you are made for. You need to get out there and fight.’

His pep talk begins as he cradles me in his arms. He tells me that I have a purpose in life; that I am on this path because of my destiny. He tells me that I am great, that I am capable of anything and the best fighter that he knows. He tells me that I am confident, bold and powerful and that I am such a spirit that does nothing but shine. He also keeps reminding me that I look best when I smile and to see me curling up underneath is something he doesn’t like.

I poke his chest in denial, wondering how he keeps telling me these lies every day. He must be crazy, I think, without missing a beat. I am not a fighter nor was I bold. I was this lame person that wants to escape reality of life every morning, the real fears of having a career, a proper future, and continuously growing education. The most fearful of them all was this though; the constant worry over losing your identity.

I was a dreamer since as a child. I think I still am. I see this world for all its magic and firmly wish and mostly believe that I will be witnessing some of it in my life too. Recently though, I feel nothing but pressure. There is only stress, workload, expectations, judgment and fear. There is only music left for me that keeps me sane. And then there is him.

He pulls me closer into his embrace and I release my locked arms to take him into mine. He smells good, I think. He’s sweating though, from the warmth that was slowly engulfing us and the long sleeves of his t-shirt not really helping him under the sheets with me. That was his smell though, his sweat. I always told him that too. He’d give me one of those perfect smiles as a reply, as if he was happy that I understood him well.

‘Keep dreaming… Who asked you to stop? Don’t you think you have to fight for it?’

There they were; the words that empower me. It was right on cue and so were the thoughts that followed.

I close my eyes and listen to his heartbeat as I recall his story. Nothing had driven him in his life as much as the passion he held for dancing, I know that he would do anything to get it perfect and I see him shine brighter than the stars on every stage he stands on. His story was no smooth ride though. He had to fight. He left his home for an unknown city, with hopes and his determination alone allowing him to pursue his dreams. He was noticed, talent always is. Talent will always shine, I always say and he shined in his auditions and he got on the path for his dream. The battle didn’t stop there, it had just begun. Spending everyday of almost 3 years of his life, honing his skills in dancing and rapping and practicing with his six other brothers that were travelling this journey with him, he now stood there on top with them, together, living in the success of his hard work. He says that he still hasn’t won though, which makes me gape at him in awe. He has done so much in such short time and he still has the modesty. I love him for that and I know that he will grow more and shine more.

I grip the back of his t-shirt and he knows that I am almost convinced. He pulls my head closer with one of his arms and places a soft kiss on my forehead. I let a smile escape my lips without intention, a reflex action to every touch his lips make on my body and he giggled at it.

‘Rise and shine baby…’ he sings into my ears.

I nod against his chest, eyes still closed.  ‘Just two more minutes…’

The familiar clutter of the utensils in the kitchen and echoes of the morning news blaring out of the television fill my senses after two minutes pass. I let the sheets drop as I breathe in the now much brighter rays of the sun. I open my eyes and let them slowly adjust to the light that it is not used to as I sit up on my bed. Even though I know what is next to me and know I will be disappointed, I still turn to my left to face an empty space next to me.

A wave of sadness takes over but also a sense of comfort. I smile weakly as my eyes now look out the window, all adjusted to the sunlight. I see the buildings and trees that surround my outdoors and listen to the minimal bustle that is beginning to fill the streets. I look the clock on the wall to my right and it reads 8AM. He’s always punctual, I think to myself, and he tees me up for the day well. I nod my head as I laugh slowly, rubbing the remaining sleep off my eyes as I get off my bed to start my day.

I maybe living a routine now but I know that one day a window will open where the path towards my dream will be visible.

I maybe feeling the pressure now but I know that change will come along to embrace me and that I should believe that every change is good.

I maybe depressed at this very moment but I know that I must never lose my smile because when I do that, I lose my identity.

He maybe just a thought, a reflection of my imagination and not really mine but I know that he was, will always be and is my only hope.