It had been months after 'eternity' promotions, since Hakyeon made his first mistake(as he would call it) on stage. It was not a technical mistake that all stars would make once a while, but rather he looked seriously into the eyes of his favourite member of the group, and felt himself falling (not the first time he felt this way, but the first time he admitted to it). Falling so hard he wondered where the bottom would be. Those eye seem to have swallowed galaxies and stars, they reflected a vast, grand perfection. He accepted it had been so wrong to have any feelings for the visual, so he brushed it off and convinced himself it was nothing once again. What hope would he ever have?


But sometimes he would wish he could man up and confess, he'd wish he could melt into hongbin's brown orbs every night before he fell asleep, only waking up to its magic in the morning when the sky is still dull and the world is silent. He knew hongbin would never return his feelings, after all hongbin is definitely straight. And it is days like this, Hakyeon wished he'd never room with the visual, but he did. He laid on his side of the shared bed, listening to hongbin's singing on MyDol auditions for the millionth time, In Fact he couldn't understand why hongbin didn't have more parts in songs. Every time he hears the visual's voice, he feel like he is pulled into a whirlpool of desire, struggling to get out of it. Knowing himself and his tendency to blurt things out, he always tried to fall asleep before hongbin could lie beside him, always tried to wake up and prepare for dance practice before the alarm even rang, and most of all always tried to remain like the proud leader he always was, avoiding the mushy stuff altogether. However, he couldn't deny the pain that brings to him. He hated it when people told Hongbin he was chosen only for looks, that he cannot sing, and that he is nothing without that face. He remembers the time when a fan told hongbin to gain more weight so that he look healthy, only to curse in frustration that he blurted out then, that Hongbin looks perfect as he is.


Speaking of the devil( to Hakyeon, hongbin will always be an angel), Hakyeon thinks, as hongbin returned from the shower and plopped himself on the bed.


"Yeonie hyung, finally! For the first time in forever you're not asleep before me!~" hongbin leaned against the pillows, turning to Hakyeon. He noticed that gap between them, like a Red Sea that parted, just because it has always been. Hakyeon, upon hearing hongbin's (beautiful) voice, hurriedly plugged in his earphones and tucked himself into bed, trying his best to pretend that he didn't hear that mellifluous voice that was unfortunately already ringing in his head.


"Yeonie hyung, I know u're not sleep" hongbin mustered up all his courage to cross their 'imaginary line' and inched towards where Hakyeon had been pretending to sleep. 

"Hyung I've never got a chance to ask you, how do the other hyung's practice their singing? Many fans say that my voice doesn't fit well with the group and that its--"

Before hongbin could finish his sentence, Hakyeon accidentally blurted out, rather squeaked out, a soft but definitely audible 'don't change'. And when he realised what he just did, he quickly sunk deeper into his blankets. It's strange, he may seem like a bold and proud leader on stage, 'bullying'(with lots of love) the rest of the members, but he can't seem to face hongbin. He calls it his 'heaven', and he believes that it's too beautiful(glorious he would say) to look at without fainting. It's almost like a spell, him turning into a meek little mouse by a spell called 'a little obsession'.


"Thanks hyung" hongbin muttered softly. He didn't know why his leader was acting this way, so he brushed it off, thinking that the leader probably had other things, or other people on his mind. He would never admit though, he missed his yeonie hyung and missed them laughing together on the bed about the drama they watched together, the leader teaching him how to sharpen his dance moves, and perhaps just a little, he missed the Hakyeon he fell in love with on the first day they met. Yes, a secret he kept for the longest time ever, and after two years of not having enough courage to tell Hakyeon 'you are perfect' and 'You are more beautiful that you think you are', he stuffed that little secret in tiny memory chip he brings around with him, the very chip he puts in his camera and takes amazing photos with, especially countless pictures of his group members and that one special hyung.


That night, Hakyeon felt his face burn so much he almost though he had a fever, and he burrowed into his blanket, yet his third mistake was made, as he turned around to face hongbin's side of the bed, only to realise that the visual had fallen asleep already, just a little beside him, face inches beside his.


Just days later, Hakyeon realised he made his fourth mistake. But it was the best mistake he made, ever. He didn't blurt out anything, but he did not plan for it to happen anyway(other wise it wouldn't be a mistake).


After dance practice for error had concluded that night and the rest of the members were filming parts of 'VIXX TV', he quietly went back to his(their) room and switched on his computer. He hadn't had a lot of time to do what, he never told anyone, was his favourite activities. As much as hongbin was a fanboy of park hyo shin, he was a fan of his fellow member Lee hongbin. He secretly loved the visual so much (much more than seohyun) he considered himself hongbin's greatest fan, but it's not just the kind of fanboy-ing which you wanna meet your bias, but a little obsession and a little 'I love him too much'. He searched on the Internet for 'nbin' 'chabean' and 'chabin'. Those were his favourite searches. As much as possible, he spent a good amount of time reading fanfiction about his talented visual. He always hypothesised about how it would be a miracle(기작) if hongbin would ever accept his feelings and reciprocate his 'little obsession'. So reading these fanfics he felt somewhat comforted that at least in alternate universes somewhere out there, he could feel loved by the member he loved the most. Isn't it weird for celebrities to read fanfiction about themselves? He sometimes wished he never fell in love with someone that impossible to be with, but he was grateful for the fast beating heart he had when he almost kissed hongbin during 'toxic' performances, for the countless of happy times he had because hongbin was happy, and for the dances he choreographed just for his favourite member.
 

Yet mistakes aren't supposed to be made so many times in a week such that he was confused why he kept making them. 


A mistake: 
-an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.


But he was sure he tried his best to make the best judgements as a leader and be the 'hyung' that made everyone happy, even if he isn't. And he made his fourth mistake, the final one that changed his life, well their life, a mistake that lead him to the right decision, that is when hongbin came into their shared room and for the first time saw the leader reading fanfiction.


The fourth mistake did start out unusual. It just that thought the members filming VIXX TV show would keep themselves occupied enough for him to read fanfiction in their room, openly for the first time. He'd always hide in that small corner by his side of the bed, but since the other members weren't gonna come in(he assumed) he said at his table and began reading the chapter he stopped at. Unfortunately assumptions that aren't supposed to be made were made and God just had to 'torture' him one last time with the fourth mistake. 


He was reading the latest updated fanfiction he subscribed to. Although this was his favourite fanfiction, it was mainly angsty. Not that he particularly enjoyed feeling N's sadness(in the fanfiction) but rather because the situation was so similar to his. He was so eager to read the latest chapter because he realised it was updated only every two weeks, strangely on night of their day off. It was that special connection he felt with the fanfiction, maybe because he was touched because the author seemed to be just as busy(maybe busier) than them. Yet he noticed the author's effort in updating on a strict schedule, never failing to write amazing chapters than was emotional and realistic. The story was written from Hongbin's point of view, which made the story seem so vulnerable that Hakyeon wished the character in the story could just confess and save N's heart from breaking everyday. That's literally the best part of fanfiction--- because as a reader, he knew how each character felt about the other character, And because of that, he wished N as a character didn't have to hurt because he couldn't confess to Hongbin's character. That's the beauty of being a reader. That's the beauty of reading a fanfiction so mesmerising and descriptive that it was real and the character's feelings could be felt. He knew he didn't have time to read the previous week's chapter because of his busy schedule and late night practices, so he decided to let the members film and took time to catch up on the latest chapter.


Just as the latest chapter starting streaming, the computer decided to take a break and the page hanged. AISHHH why isn't this loading. Hakyeon groaned, as waiting for the page to load seemed to feel like an eternity. A voice, however, disrupted the sounds of whining in the silence of the room.


"Yeonie hyung what are you doing at the computer" and of all people, the first one to finish filming was the visual. But that made Hakyeon's face flush, silently wishing that hongbin didn't see the page or anything at all. He quickly switched off the screen of the computer and stood up.


"I was uhm, I was checking the latest news on the Internet about Vixx and stuff, but it's not loading so, nevermind" he hurriedly said, his words trailing at the very to complete silence. He didn't even turn around and face hongbin, just quickly left the seat and rushed to the shower saying he'll be out soon (making a mental note that he should be out by 5 minutes so if hongbin decides to stay in the room it wouldnt seem too suspicious).


What's going on with that hyung, Aishhh. Hongbin noticed the elder's flustered look and couldn't brush it off like always. On the side note, he wants to sit his hyung down and ask if Hakyeon was alright, because he didn't look like he was fine. Hongbin reminds himself that His favourite hyung had been keeping the members' psychological health and physical health in check, yet he didn't do enough to care for the leader's well being, suddenly feeling really guilty. Actually he had always meant to ask, but he thought Hakyeon was constantly disappointed by his inability(or so he thought-literally) to sing or dance well, since Hakyeon generally ignores him when practices end early.


He saw the leader's computer sitting invitingly on the table and just out of curiosity, he decided Hakyeon won't return for a while. I really deserve a neckchop for this. But he wanted to know what others have been saying about vixx. Maybe it was just curiosity-to know what the leader has to deal with, or maybe it is guilt, that he felt because sometimes Hakyeon tends to keep his anger from reading the public's opinion in. He wanted to know, just a little what has made his bubbly leader feel uncomfortable sometimes, and maybe share his burden.


Switching on the screen of the computer, he was pleasantly shocked when he discovered the leader's secret.


"Wh..what are you... What are you doing?"he didn't notice his leader came out of the bathroom unusually fast. 


"Hyung why... Why do you read these things" Hongbin shyly let out a chuckle. He wanted to laugh in joy-but it was only a speculation:that his hyung reads chabean fanfiction because his hyung felt the same attraction he felt towards each other. He wasn't sure was it egotism or really his leader loved him, even if it's just a little.


"I didn't! I was just looking up something, and unfortunately that page... It just..."Hakyeon quickly turn around and wanted to run back to the bathroom. He couldn't face hongbin anymore, he didn't dare to stand in his presence anymore. 

Just then a calloused hand grabbed his arm in a swift motion and turn him to face hongbin.


"Well, what if...hyung what if I told you I wrote what you were reading?"hongbin softly whispered to his leader's ears. He was sure now, he was sure why he felt so guilty to see the leader not acting himself, he was sure that things were possible between him and the leader and he was sure, that the leader would return his feelings should he confess.


"You didn't write that... And I wasn't reading... I wasn't reading anything!" hakyeon's voice was shaking. He wanted nothing more than the conversation to end, and for the world to leave him alone. He knows as a leader that this is not right, and they won't even have a chance together. What hope did they ever have? What hope did he ever have? 

"Hyung... Don't lie... I know that face so well you know how you feel... I know it too..." Hakyeon must have felt the heat that was spreading in his chest, a warm fuzzy feeling from the pits of his stomach. He uncomfortably took a step back, letting the silence drown him. Was his mind still functioning? Because he couldn't seem to process any emotions and certainly wanted to hold that fuzzy feeling in, not even comprehending what on earth is that ridiculous twisting form inside him..felt like fluttering butterflies, but no, he tries his hardest to convince himself it wasn't. He knows they cannot be together, they would lose their jobs and potentially be hated and shamed all their life... This isn't right... This isn't the time to be selfish Cha Hakyeon. 

He repeats to himself like a mantra in his head 'it's a mistake'. "I'm a mistake... Don't... Binnie don't become a mistake because of me...don-" 


He felt a pair of strong arms pull him into the warmest embrace he ever felt, and then a pair of gloriously sweet lips on his. It's strange how this attraction changed him from a lion that wasn't afraid of any criticism into a meek little kitten that was shivering at hongbin's touch. He felt stars cackling beneath Hongbin's skin, a magical touch that burned through his senses.


"Mistakes can't be made 4 times... Yeonie hyung sometimes they are made to lead you to the right places" he beamed, showing his dimples that Hakyeon loved so much. As Hakyeon finally gained enough courage to kiss those dimples, he felt that maybe he just graduated from being a fanboy to a boyfriend of that one member that never failed to make him fall, falling so deep he will never know where the bottom is. Because now, there will be someone to catch him before he hits the end of time.


After all, what hope did he ever have?