"life is hard,” jaehwan heard from the speakers. 

he had been in the other room when taekwoon first made these vlogs, so he couldn’t listen to everything.

in the beginning, taekwoon didn’t want him to know how bad it was. 

now, after all this time, it felt like he was intruding on something. but he forced himself to sit down and watch it.

“i was diagnosed with severe depression about…3 years ago?” the soft voice continued. even though the quality of the video was poor it was easy to see how uncomfortable the boy was talking about these things. the giant hoodie that he had on (which was jaehwan’s) did nothing to hide that fact.

“but i’m getting through it. they keep telling me: “day by day”. it’s gotta get better eventually right? the therapist told me to start looking for a hobby so jaehwan and i…jaehwan’s my boyfriend…we’re looking for something. hopefully we find it soon.”

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jaehwan hadn’t been the one to find taekwoon’s body. the neighbors did after they knocked on the door to borrow some sugar. 

how cliche. like a law and order episode, he remembered thinking.

he hadn’t been the one to identify his body. that had been taekwoon’s family. he stood by them as the coroner turned the sheet down, and he held his boyfriend’s mother close as she fell to the ground, but his eyes remained closed until they were out of the building. at the funeral, wonshik had sat with him as hakyeon and hongbin sobbed over the coffin. sanghyuk was rubbing the former leaders back.

“have you…?” wonshik asked jaehwan shook his head. he wasn’t crying; he had cried enough pulling on his suit this morning. 

“i’m not going to. you can’t make me.”wonshik nodded.

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“singing lessons, can you believe it?” taekwoon chuckled. “i think jaehwan is better than me though. the instructor seemed to think i had potential though.”

jaehwan munched on chips as he watched the screen. his boyfriend was visibly happier in this video. odd. he was so embarrassed during the singing lessons, the kid even blushed when the instructor gave him the songs he wanted him to learn throughout the 8 weeks they had.

“he gave me some pop songs, but mostly some ballads were in the folder i got. i don’t know. maybe i’ll ask if only jaehwan can be in the room with me when i sing. i don’t even know if he’ll like my voice. but hopefully he will. i really like his. i wish he would sing more.”

“i told the therapist i started making vlogs. and she thought it was a good idea. i mean, she told me people were going to comment mean things, but i shouldn’t look at those i guess. if i decide to post them anywhere, that is. but i like doing these so…yeah. i’ll post one whenever i have time. i have no set schedule.”

cause you used to sleep about 75% of the day, jaehwan thought.

he didn’t like how bitter it sounded in his head. on screen, taekwoon waved goodbye and shut the camera off.

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hakyeon met him at a coffee shop. the plan was for the 5 of them to get together and hang out. just a nice peaceful lunch.

jaehwan dressed in layers so they wouldn’t comment on how much weight he’d lost.

they greeted him with hugs and kisses, happiness shining in their eyes that he was still alive.

how lovely.

he played along, laughing when he should have, looking like he cared when he should have. 

it was hard enough pretending to be alive at this point.

eventually, the time came to put on his brave face. hongbin asked first. “how have you been?”

“here. i’ve been here. so i guess i’m pretty great.”

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jaehwan remembered that day, the day taekwoon “made a mistake”.

“i cut again,” he whimpered out on the video. “i just…i couldn’t take the silence. jaehwan and i fought and he left for…somewhere and…” he trailed off.

.

“it didn’t even feel good. i knew i shouldn’t have done it but it was the only way to shut my head up. it was the only way i could calm down..”

he seemed to have forgotten that the camera was still on as he started crying little broken sobs, holding his wrist with a rag so that the bleeding would stop.

“i’m sorry..jaehwan i’m sorry….i’m so sorry…” 

he repeated until he fell asleep.

jaehwan vaguely remembered coming home later that night and shutting off the camera, not even bothering to check taekwoon’s wrists like he normally did after they fought.

____________________________________________

jaehwan had thrown away the book of songs his instructor wanted him to learn to sing two days after he buried the love of his life.

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“have you thought about cleaning out his stuff? putting it into storage?” wonshik asked over the phone one sunday afternoon.

lazy sundays.

the piano in their home looked so dim on days like this.

jaehwan sighed. “yeah, i have. i have boxes already.”

“want us to come and help? i know hakyeon is annoying you a lot but he just wan-”

“no…no i think i should do it you know?”

“ah, yeah. well, let us know if you need anything.”

he hung up on his friend after that, looking over at taekwoon’s side of the bed. the dresser that had remained untouched since that morning. his bracelets. his keys. all of his important things were collecting dust.the boxes in the corner were collecting dust.well, not everything.

taekwoon was buried  with the promise ring.

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taekwoon had recorded six v-logs and jaehwan was up to the last one. he had no idea when his boyfriend had recorded it; no idea what it contained. 

“hi jaehwan.”

he slapped the space bar quickly. 

did…did…

he got up, paced around the living room for 5 minutes and took two shots of vodka to calm himself before he went back to the chair.

“i wanted to say that i was sorry. by the time you’re watching this..well..you know already. and i’m so sorry for that. i’m sorry that you had to check my wrists all the time. i’m sorry i refused to take my medication. i’m sorry i wouldn’t let you hear me sing,” he whispered. “i’m sorry that i made you worry when i didn’t answer my phone all of those times..”

“i’m sorry i never believed you when you said how much you loved me.”

jaehwan was breaking.

taekwoon sighed and brushed his hair back, scars showing on his wrist.“i’m sorry about a lot of things. and i wish i could have been a better boyfriend, a better person, for you. because your love made me strong, it did. i just…i think we’d be better off if i was out of the equation. i’m bringing you down; i’m the toxic one in this relationship i love you so much. please do not think you are not the reason for my suicide. you were the reason i lived,” he said, tears forming in his eyes as he spoke.

broken.

“i know you’re going to be mad at me. i don’t blame you for that; i can’t blame you for that,” taekwoon sobbed out. “promise me some things. you don’t have to, but i wish you would. don’t give up on singing. don’t give up on our friends; i know that they’re a lot to handle sometimes, but they mean so well. don’t…don’t give up on yourself. i love you lee jaehwan, my jaehwannie.”he held up his left hand, silver band shining on his ring finger.

“forever,” was the last work he said before he shut the camera off.

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the book of music that was given to taekwoon by their instructor sat on the coffee table in the living room. it was also collecting dust. it was one of the only things that jaehwan wasn’t packing away today. 

the gang had brought him some food over when he told him he was going to be packing things up. and, of course, they wanted to make sure he was still breathing.

he barely was, but that was to be expected.

“are you sure you don’t need our help?” hongbin asked for the millionth time, looking around the first floor to make sure everything was alright.

“for right now i’m sure,” he responded, taking a sip of water. (hakyeon came over with his own mission to remove all of the liquor out of the house, and he had unfortunately succeeded) “i’ll see you guys this weekend, okay?”

they all nodded and hugged him goodbye, hakyeon looking back with a tearful glance before he was finally ushered out by sanghyuk.

jaehwan was alone again. he had to admit, he was getting used to it.venturing over to the cabinets in the kitchen, he was surprised to discover that the elder had found the secret stash he kept behind all the ramen. of course.

hakyeon was still the overprotective mother.

jaehwan sighed and walked over to the couch, turning on the tv to a random channel. hopefully it would drown out the desire to pick up the book on the table

.____________________________________________

5 hours later and glasses of water, the book was still calling to him.he glared at it, even in the dim light of the house it was standing out, tempting him. reminding him.

“you really want me to keep that promise so badly, huh woonie?”

it had been so long since the walls had heard that name.

no reply. jaehwan looked up to the ceiling.

“is that what you want? well, i want you here. that’s all i wanted. and you didn’t keep your promise. why should i?”

he already knew the response he would have gotten for that.

wiping his eyes and finishing off the water, he walked over to the sink and placed the glass down. there weren’t any other dishes in the sink; no need to cook when he was stocked up on microwavable food. 

bed, he thought. bed is a good idea.bed will help.

“no it won’t,” he told himself. he grumbled and picked up the folder on the way to his bedroom. he threw the folder down and slammed the door, screaming as the sound resounded throughout the room.he fell to his knees and sobbed, really sobbed since the morning of the funeral. he curled up and muttered to himself.

“i’m sorry taekwoon, i’m sorry.”

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the folder was placed on taekwoon’s side of the bed for the time being. jaehwan didn’t open it, but eventually he would, he convinced himself.