Jongin is asked quite often at first, how he’s able to dissociate himself so completely, when the Kai on stage is someone so utterly different. Jongin is never sure how to explain, what to tell them, so he laughs it off more often than not, mutters something about stage lights at other times.
 
Baekhyun looks at him speculatively at times, especially when Taemin comes over, but he knows better than to say anything. Baekhyun has always seen more than most, Jongin knows, but it’s not like he has any room to throw stones. It’s also why Jongin’s fooled around with Baekhyun some, but could never quite let himself go the whole way, either.
 
Suho sometimes gets this look on his face, too, like he's actually bought into their own image and is going to counsel Jongin like the leader he’s portrayed as, forgetting all the years they've waited together with nothing but vague promises, sweating out blood and tears. But Jongin has known Suho for years, knows how he works, and can get him to back down without saying a word. And after all the upheavals the group has gone through, Suho knows better than to prod too much, not when he knows Jongin would rather cut off both legs than hurt the group.
 
Not that Jongin would admit to it, but Suho knows him in turn, and knows when he wants to stop being Jongin, knew almost to the moment when Jongin had decided, all those years ago, staring after Taemin’s departing figure, that if being Jongin wasn't going to get him what he wanted, he might as well be someone the complete opposite.
 
Suho had never said anything, though, unlike Moonkyu, who had been there with them at first, and who’d tried his best to cheer Jongin up after one too many exhilarating dance sessions with Taemin that always seemed to end with Jongin collapsed on the floor, breath heaving and body trembling with exhaustion, looking up to his best friend with his entire heart in his eyes. It had always ended the same way, with Jongin’s fragile hope turning into silent, bitter disappointment with Taemin leaving alone after their session, oblivious as always. Suho had always looked at him with such understanding, and Jongin had hated it.
 
He’d hated it, because Jongin’s never been good with words, so he had tried to show his feelings with what he knows he is good at, with his body, with his dance, but he must not have been as good as he’s always thought himself to be, because Taemin has never noticed. What does Suho know, of being purported to be one of the best, but to shamefully wonder, to question it deep in his heart?
 
It’s why, shortly afterwards, when one of the other trainees had flirted with him, Jongin had taken a deep breath, called to mind lights and mirrors and flashy grace, then relaxed his body and flirted back. Later, when Jongin had stumbled out of bed, he'd been simultaneously elated and horrified with himself. Not just because he’d proved his fears at least partly groundless, but because it had been easy. Too easy, even, to pretend interest, to pretend confidence. He had been so good at it that he'd even fooled himself into arousal. He’d liked the feeling, even though he’d crashed back to reality and the hopelessness of his unrequited love hit him twice as hard later.
 
Even so, he still could not find it in him to entirely regret the experience, because for a precious few hours, he had almost entirely believed himself to be another person, someone who was confident and hedonistic and shameless about it. So the next time, when a different trainee had asked, he didn’t think twice before agreeing. And if, afterwards, he closed his eyes and pretended he was with someone completely different, someone with an easy laugh and sparkling eyes and full of shameless teases, it was no-one’s business but his.
 
He hadn't actually realized just how different his other face was becoming from himself, though, and how noticeable it was, until the company gave him a new name. A strong name, a name that embodied everything Jongin was not.
 
Standing for the first time on the stage, floodlights trained on him with dozens of screaming fans in front, Jongin is suddenly hit with a strong surge of desperation, a fear of not being good enough, of failing everything he’s strived so hard for. For a timeless moment, he’s frozen into stillness, almost letting his panic consume him. Almost.
 
Jongin closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and pretends.