It’s amazing how someone could change so easily in a span of one month, from warm to cold, friendly to intimidating, and nice to mean. Maybe it’s just me, this naïve and oblivious little girl, who’s feeling this way. Does he even know; does he even care? It’s hard to live a life always full of anxiety and nervousness. Always full of doubts, always questioning why, always full of what-if’s. Does he think about me? Does he worry about me like I do? Did he forget about me?

“Wait for me,” he said as he kissed me under the stars. “We’ll see each other soon.” I kept hold of that word. I remembered that. He brought me back to my dorm, said good-bye and kissed me one last time before he left. As I left to go back to my hometown, those words, those sweet words he said to me, was the only thing that stayed, that lingered. Not seeing him for a month was depressing; I can’t help but be sad. I was sad at the fact that he didn’t answer me and told me to wait instead when I asked him to define the relationship. Yes, we were not in a relationship. It bothers me a lot, especially coming from a conservative family. Yet, chatting with him via the Internet everyday made the bitter feeling inside my heart a tad better.

He would tell me about his day and I would do the same. We would talk everyday and night. Sometimes, I would fall asleep and the first thing I would see on my phone is a message from being that reads, “Good morning, beautiful”. I tried to ignore it but that bittersweet feeling in my heart won’t leave. I loved yet loathed it. It hurts, doubting that you’re the only one he sends that to.

A month has passed and it was time to go back. “Safe flight, see you soon,” he messaged. I was sad to leave my family and friends, knowing that I won’t be able to see my family and friends yet again for about 4 months but was delighted to finally be able to see my friends and him again. Will he greet me? Will he be the first person I see? All these mental expectations kept popping up and knowing that most of them won’t even happen hurts like hell. The thing about mental expectations is that it kills you on the inside. You expect something, just to be brought down. Why do I keep reaching out to him when he’s not even trying to hold my hand? Why do I keep asking when I know his answer is no? It hurts and that’s why I try not to expect anything, especially from him.

This is where the weird, mind-boggling, sad and hurtful part comes in. He stopped replying to both my messages and texts. I thought it was only because he wasn’t able to get any signal. But, there’s always that doubt. Who is he with? Is he texting other people? Is he just ignoring me? I would never know. I wish it was like before, where I can just text him without worrying about anything, without worrying that he’ll think for me as another annoying and clingy person. Now, I was always careful before I hit that send button, choosy with my words and would take some time before sending a message I wrote 5 minutes before so it wouldn’t be obvious to him that the only thing on my head was his reply. We were closer, yet farther.

“Be careful,” was the advice my best friends gave me. “I don’t know whether to trust him or not,” they added. I used to ignore it but now, I’m worried. Was everything he said to me before a lie? All those, “You look beautiful”, “I miss you so much”, “I don’t want you to be sad”? The kiss that felt like heaven he gave me before I left. Did any of that mean nothing to him? Was I overthinking everything, as usual? Rumors starting surfacing that he had other girls with him. That fact that I haven’t met him since I arrived here made me even more confused, anxious and even angry. He didn’t call me up or make an effort to meet up with me. If he really did come, he would do that, right? Another thing that upset me was when he told me to wait when I asked him to define our relationship. How long do I have to wait? I don’t think I can wait much longer.

29^th of January was the first time I saw him after a month of not meeting him face-to-face. I was just hanging out outside my classroom when I saw him. His eyes met my eyes. We didn’t say anything, and smiled. I felt like it was a genuine smile, both his and mine. He took my hand and we held on to each other the whole time we were talking. When he was about to leave, he let go of my hand and spread his arms wide open, signaling me for a hug. I walked closer to him and wrapped my arms around his waist and his arms wrapped me. It felt so warm again, so nice, so comforting. I missed being beside him, feeling his arms around me.

“Missed you,” he softly whispered in my ear.

“Missed you too,” I replied. I thought the story would end that way, a sweet ending like what children stories made me believe. Yet, the rumors are still flying around and my friends are still warning me about him. What should I do, should I let go of his hand?