I Love You…

Three words, eight letters that I can't easily say. Three words, eight letters he has always wants to hear from me. And because I never did once told him, I brought this tragedy on him.
 

*~*~*~*~*

"Kangin," Eeteuk called in a sing-song tone, with a big smile on his face, he looked like a puppy wagging his tail, acting cute to play with his master Kangin thought when he saw that face directed to him. 
"What is…it?" Kangin was afraid t o even ask when he knew what comes next.
"I love you." Eeteuk said flat out. 

Kangin tensed and color started to rise towards his cheeks and tainted them light pink. He looked away and pretended to read his book. 
"Eeteuk we're in public." He said, tried to scold Eeteuk. He glanced at Eeteuk once and reverted his eyes on his book, he knew Eeteuk would pout and if hearing those words hadn't excited him, even that slight, childish pout would send him to the Emergency Room for cardiac arrest related to too much Eeteuk in his system.

"What? What's wrong with saying how I feel? What's wrong with saying I love you and it's not like the library is crowded, no one is even here?!" 
"Shhh!" chorused the nearby tables. 
"We've been dating for two years plus now, and you still haven't said it to me." Eeteuk said in a softer tone, slumping on his chair. 

Kangin lightly flicks him on the forehead while still having his attention on the book. 
"The fact that we've been together for almost three years is proof of my feelings for you, and I did tell you once."
"I go out with me? How does that count, the train suddenly passed by and it roared out the rest of your confession?"
"I still said it and despite how the train interrupted us, you still know what I was saying."
"But – "
"End of discussion." Kangin rose to his feet and gathered his things. "C'mon, it's time for Literature." He says, glancing at his watch then at Eeteuk who was puffing his cheeks.
"This is the end for now."
Kangin smirked and ruffled Eeteuk's hair. Eeteuk rose to follow Kangin. 

Kangin saw how down Eeteuk looks and reached out for Eeteuk's hand and held it in his. He was thankful that Eeteuk was a lefty or else this wouldn't be really possible – note taking while holding hands. And when he saw Eeteuk smile he knew it was alright again. Of course he loves him, he just can't say it that easily. 

I know you love me… but sometimes I wish you'd say it as much as you show it Eeteuk thought.
 

*~*~*~*~*

I can't do anything but hold onto his hand and wait for him to wake up. I wish he'd wake up soon. It has been three months now since the accident. Three months since I last saw him smile. Three months since I last hear him say those words that I can never bring myself to say. 

"I…" I started to whisper and stop myself. Even here, even now I still can't say it. "Eeteuk you know how much you mean to me, can you feel my tears on your hand? Can you hear me talking to you every day? Please… wake up… I miss you."
 

*~*~*~*~*

They were having jjajangmyun quietly.
"Why do you never say 'I love you'?" 
Kangin choked from his noodle at the sudden question and had been gasping for breath for about two minutes after. Eeteuk just chuckled.  
"Eeteuk do you want me dead?"
"No. It was just a normal question, it's your fault for overreacting."
Kangin continued eating without answering Eeteuk's question and kept avoiding the topic until they were done. 

"Anything wrong? You seem oddly quite today." Kangin asked. They were passing time at the park. Normally, Eeteuk would've pester Kangin on the subject or just play around with kids but today, he was silent and passive. Eeteuk stopped walking and made Kangin stop.

"Kangin, do you really like me?" 
"Of course I do, what's with that question?"
Kangin felt something bad was going to happen. Eeteuk's eyes were full of hurt. 
"Then why don't you say it!?" 
They were starting to get some attention. Kangin had to drag Eeteuk towards a quiet corner and despite how Eeteuk retaliated, Kangin was still stronger. 
"Eeteuk… I…" Kangin's left eyebrow and the side of his mouth were twitching. "Words are not that important. Just  because someone says 'I love you' doesn't mean one has to say 'I love you too'. It's not even a question so why reply?"
"Because I want to hear it! Actions sometimes are not just good enough! Maybe for you it is but I need to hear them at least once in a while. You can also be sweet and caring to everyone and not just me!"
"That's not what I mean… I"
"If words are not that important then I guess I don't have to say this right?" and with that saying, Eeteuk ripped the bracelet Kangin bought for him during their first anniversary and threw it to the ground. Kangin started towards him. "Take one more step and you'll never see me again."  And Eeteuk ran out and towards the first bus that came. 

Kangin did not cease to call or text Eeteuk, which none of them were replied. It was the first major fight they ever had. It would usually take a day or a week but it was already a month. 

He rang Eeteuk's phone for the nth time and finally he pick up.
"Eeteuk!" 
"Ah Kangin sorry, its Shindong."
"Shindong? Hi. Where's Eeteuk, is he still mad at me?"
"Well… yeah… he's still mad at you."
"Can I talk to him or could you send him a message?"
"I don't think that's possible."
"Why not? Help me just this once will yah?" Shindong was quiet on the other end of the line. 
"Kangin, you know our class went on an excursion."
"Yeah and you'll be back on Seoul today. Which reminds me, shouldn't the bus be here now?"
"Didn't you hear? The bus was caught in an accident, I think it'll be on the news. I'm in the hospital's ER now."
"Shindong that's not a funny joke." But Kangin knew it wasn't, else he wouldn't feel so anxious.
"It was initially a ten-wheeler truck and a van but I guess it happened so suddenly that we couldn't escape it. We were toppled over, fortunately no one died inside the bus but there were a few who was severely injured. Kangin are you still listening?"
"What happened to Eeteuk?" Shindong did not reply. "Shindong! Answer me?!"
"Eeteuk's in the Operating Room now."

Noo! Kangin's inner mind screamed as he calmly asked Shindong where they were and rushed towards the hospital. 

It took the operation five hours. Eeteuk was now safe yet still under observation. 
"He hit his head against the pole, aside from the bleeding from the outside he was losing blood inside as well, he had suffered leg injuries and a few scratches. Apparently, because of the trauma to his head, Eeteuk is now in a state of coma although lab tests confirmed that no further damage to his brain had happened. All that's left is for Eeteuk to wake up." 

It was shocking and devastating. Eeteuk's mother, after hearing the doctor's prognosis weeps inside her husband's embrace. "My Eeteuk, I don't know if I should be thankful or not, because my son is still alive and yet…"
"Shhh… he'll wake up. He's a strong kid." Eeteuk's father said as he comforted her. Then he looked at Kangin, "Right, Kangin?" a smile, a sad, wistful smile on his face as if asking him to be strong and believe.
Kangin could do nothing but smile a little and nod when what he wanted was to cry and blame himself.
 

*~*~*~*~*

Three months, five days since the doctor said you were in that deep slumber.
Three months, five days have I stayed here by your side, holding your hand, telling you stories, shaving your facial hair, staring at the monitors attached to you hoping to see any signs of life.
Three months, five days passed since everyone keeps telling me to relax and sleep. But I have been resting and sleeping just that I spend more time with you Eeteuk. 

"Eeteuk, did you know by twelve midnight, it's going to be our third anniversary?" I softly said to that slumbering, angelic face of his, toying with a lock of his hair. "You should really wake up soon, you're hair is getting longer. I can do something about your beard and mustache but I can't do anything with your hair with you just lying there." 
I talk to him every day. I'm sure my voice reaches him. 

His mother offers to relieve me of my post although sometimes I yield after she constantly offers it but not today. Not when tomorrow is our anniversary. 

"Eeteuk, I know you can hear me. You're just teasing me that's why you don't wake up." It's almost midnight.

"Okay, I'll say it… as my third anniversary gift to you… so please open your eyes…" and I cried by his bedside until I fell asleep. 
 

*~*~*~*~*

When he woke up the following day, Kangin was puzzled at how the nurse was looking at them. She hastily excused herself and went calling for Eeteuk's parents and the doctors. Kangin bolted from his seat, afraid for the worse but when he saw Eeteuk, his heart almost stop and he could feel tears threatening to come out. 

Eeteuk was looking at him, with a weak smile.
 

*~*~*~*~*

Three months, six days… 

"Kangin did I make you worry?" was what you asked me. And I shook my head as firmly as I could without having myself cry again. 
"You woke up just in time for our anniversary."
"Really? Hmm… I haven't prepared anything well, cause you know, comatose and all so… take this simple thing for now…" and you held my face in both your hands, "I love you. It's okay if you won't –"

No, it's not okay! "I love… you… too, Eeteuk." I surprised you didn't I? I never knew saying that could put a different color of pink to your cheeks.

"It's not even a question… so why did you reply?"
"Because I want you to hear it and not just feel it. And you'll only be hearing it once." And then you laughed.
 

*~*~*~*~*

"Have you been crying?" Eeteuk asked as he traced a finger on Kangin's puffy eyes. 
"What? Do you expect me to be laughing, singing and dancing for your condition?!" 
Eeteuk laughed, he laughed so hard that it hurt his side. 
"Good for you." Muttered Kangin, blushing at all the teasing. Eeteuk toned down and looked at the bedside table. 
"So what else is new?"
Kangin leaned towards Eeteuk and diverted his boyfriend's attention to him. "I learned how to put memos and countdown on the calendar." Eeteuk smiled and stifled a laugh.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
And Kangin closed the distance between their lips.
 

*~*~*~*~*

For three months and six days, I marked the days you've been asleep, kept track when you showed improvements, and if you would squint your eyes you'd see I've kept track of the days I've cried as well and I've encircled our anniversary date. 

After three months and six days, I've finally told you I love you… twice.
After three months and six days, our love would finally be free from standstill.

END.