Do you remember the time we laid together on the ground in the winter, we looked up at the stars, trying to figure out what the meaning of life was. You concluded it was love, which was very cheesy of you but now that I think about it, maybe it is. Without you I feel lost, empty and have no motivation to get up. Hyung, what about you? Do you feel this way? I hope you do.

Do you remember the time we sat on the railing on the balcony, it was the first time we kissed, you smelled of nicotine and cheap wine. Your lips were chapped because of the air hitting him, I could feel your heart racing against my hand. We stayed up until the sun rose. You had to carry me inside since I had fallen asleep. I'm sorry if that was burdensome.

But Hyung, let's remember the time we first made love. We thought everyone was gone for the night. You were surprising gentle, as if I were a porcelain doll that would break under your touch. Tao complained the next morning saying he hadn't slept a wink because someone kept for more and faster. This resorted to Xiumin hitting the back of his head, Suho going red, Kyungsoo to accidentally cut his finger and Lay to be confused. I remember choking on my cereal and you dropping the plates in the kitchen. Kai laughed so loud it echoed in the house. “Really Kai, I remember a certain someone screaming about Kyungsoo being tight.” Was my defense. The last thing I remember was lack of oxygen to my brain because Kyungsoo had choked me out.

Are you happier? Are you healthy?

The night before you left, we laid in bed. You held my hand and cried. I didn't know why you were crying at the time. You held me close, tears wetting the top of my head. “I love you.” You whispered over and over, I thought that maybe you were having one of those days like Kai has with Kyungsoo. Or maybe you read one of those sad storied the fans write about us like Suho does, then he cries until Chen has comforted him. You had fallen asleep after you kissed me hard, you made my lips swell but that's okay, it was nice. I remember watching you sleep, you looked peaceful, younger and like the dream world was better that our reality. I traced your features, you're so perfect. Flawless even, soft skin, pink lips, and beautiful eyes. But even though I should have felt content with that moment, I felt a strange feeling in my chest and my stomach fell. It felt weird. I fell asleep with my hand in yours and my head against your chest.

The next morning, you were gone. I panicked. I remember jumping out of bed because the room felt cold despite the sun shining through he curtains. The house felt tense, time seemed to stop as I entered the living room. The members talked in hushed voices, I was confused. Where were you hyung?

“He's gone.”

“He left.”

“Sehun will be broken.”

I walked in because they were talking nonsense. Their eyes were red, puffy and their faces sulken. Then I heard it.

“Kris of EXO has filed a lawsuit against SM Entertainment to terminate his contract.”

My world shattered and I remember Kyungsoo catching me and Suho's worried face before my world crumbled and went black.

So Hyung, do you remember our good times? I hope you do because I'll forever hold them close. I hope you're doing well and make us proud, okay? Make me proud.

One day we'll meet again, but that time will be when you've earned your wings. When you're able to finally fly. We'll meet again.

I love you, hyung.