Hey there Chanyeol,

It's me, Baekhyun, I hope you're doing fine and... I have something important to tell you.
I know letters are so cheesy and only stuff people do in romance movies but it felt like the only way to express what I want to say.

Do you remember the first time we met? I still do.
It was one of those typical days in my life, where I was getting bullied by the jerks of our school, it could've been any other day to be honest, nothing out of the ordinary, except, except it was the day where I first got protected from those bullies by no one else but you.

To be honest, I was confused. Nobody cared about that small guy with no friends, that dude who was sitting in the back of the room, day-dreaming and writing stories, except for you, you pushed them away, protected me from their fists.
I still don't understand why you did this. You're the opposite of me, popular with a lot of friends and the girls are standing in a row to go out with you.
But I don't really care, I was grateful for what you did, you became my knight in shining armour, my hero. And you know what? I'm still grateful for what you did and I will never forget about this.

That's probably why I clinged onto you so badly, you gave me the feeling of safety, you were my safe haven. Every time I was around you, nobody tried to touch me, nobody said bad things about me anymore.
I'm totally sorry if I was too intimidating, I can totally understand if you hated my behaviour, but you never said a bad word about it and somehow along the way we became friends, or at least I got the feeling that we're friends.

I still remember the first time we were hanging out together and every time after.
I remember every silly movie we watched, every damn scream that escaped my mouth during those stupid horror nights.
I remember every deep conversation, every night we were looking at the stars, discussing our future and how scared we are.
I remember reading some of my stories to you and you know what? That was so intimate for me, nobody before listened to me, nobody encouraged me as much as you did.
And I also remember every silly fight we had about the most stupid stuff, but I didn't mind because even the bad memories are precious to me.

You know, along the way something changed for me.
I've always admired you but suddenly I became aware of everything you did. I became aware of every time you accidentally brushed your hand over my skin, your smell that sticked to my cushions for weeks, your smile filling my room when you laughed about your own stupid jokes, your sometimes creepy big smile, the way your eyes lit up when you were happy.

Chanyeol, you became the centre of my universe, my personal sun with a dorky smile, like the one from the Teletubbies.

All along the way, I fell in love with you.

I fell in love with everything you did, every flaw on your skin, every wrinkle around your eyes that made you so interesting and special to me.
 

I love you and I will love you for the rest of my life, probably even after I'm long gone.

You probably ask yourself why I'm writing this, why I don't tell you this in person.
Well, first of all, I'm scared, I'm not good with talking, I always end up insulting the ones I care about and I really really really don't want to mess this up.
 

And second of all... I have cancer.
I know, again a thing I should've told you in person, but I can't. I don't like to see sadness on your face, I hurt you enough after our last fight.
I know I said I don't want to see you ever again but that's not true, I love you and you're all I care about, please forgive me, forgive me that I'm so stupid and mean to you.

Before I die I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, how much you changed me, how much you made my life a lot brighter every time we were together.
You're still my knight in shining armour but one that showed me how to be brave, how to stand up to my fears and face them.
You taught me that life is more than just a battlefield and that not every motion is made to survive.
You taught me how much brighter and beautiful it can be when you open your eyes and heart, how much better this place can be when you're kind and open to new stuff.
You made me a better, a brighter person.

I know this is sudden and I can understand when you're confused and probably disgusted by this, I mean I still am a guy and you're so popular around girls, I can understand if you don't have the same feelings towards me. I can also understand if you're still mad at me because of our fight, but I had to tell you this, I had to be brave once in my life and show you how much you changed me.
I'm not that weird guy from the back anymore, I'm happy and open, I still dream about a different world, but now I'm not alone anymore, you're a part of my fantasy.

In my few years on this planet I didn't fulfil a lot of my dreams.
I never became a famous writer, to be honest, all I did was graduating from this damn school.

I never saw New York and my favourite Broadway musicals and I never saw the true beauty of Peru's nature.
To be honest I never kissed anyone in my life nor got intimate with someone, but that's okay.
Even without those things I found true love in you. Even if you don't return my feelings, I'm happy I told you this.
I hope you can forgive me for all the bad words and are happy to have me as your friend as I am to have you.

I love you Chanyeol and I will always do even after I'm gone.

You were my guardian angel and after I'm gone I hope to be yours.
No matter what happens I will always be your shining star in the firmament.





In eternal love



Baekhyun