Lonely.

 

  A tick on the clock, it’s already 4AM.

 

  The young man lied on the sofa lazily, changing the channels every so or then. Thin bony fingers pressing, channels with muted sounds flicked through. The sofa was stacked with clothes that haven’t been washed for decades; some his, some from another dude. He, only with a loose sweater and underwear on, snuggled closer into the pile of unhygienic mess. His soft and beautiful milky skin rubbed against the scrub of expired food crumbs and dirt, his disheveled hair attached to sweaty clothes; he couldn't care less. All he wanted was to find warmth, a sense of comfort in it.

 

Amidst the powdered night sky, the blue light from the unknown channels shone around him, his small living room; engulfing the quiet space in his apartment.  His eyes were a pool of black nothing, as if there was a void the cold color into emptiness. He shifted from his position, wanting to find a better view of his pitiful self. Accidently pushing the coffee table with his foot, the wine bottle dropped soundlessly on the carpeted floor, spilling the violet liquid everywhere. He tilted his head a little before ignoring it. The sleek fingers continued to press the controller. The muted channels continued to change.

 

  He lightly sighed before burying his face into his arm that was used to rest his head. He rubbed his face deeply into the only clean apparel left, hoping that he could rub an answer out of his brain. What is wrong with me? , Was all he could think of for the few weeks. Staying awake till the early hours of dawn, swallowing alcohol as if he was on drugs, not even eating a proper meal, skipping school and work, what was wrong? He didn’t even feel like showering anymore, all he wants was to lie there and ignore every one else. See if anyone was willing to come over check on his lifeless state.

 

  Was he feeling lonely? Is he in need of company? He doesn’t know. He hated the fact so much that he doesn't know what does he want. He couldn’t bring himself to find the energy to talk, let alone socialize. He felt alone, a vacuum him up from the inside. As if the warmth in him was disappearing with whichever space that he tried to accustom. Voices that were ever so important to him has faded into nothing but hollow phrases of nothing. His friends can't give him what he wants, can't tell him what he wants to know. His tears left him only with more helplessness than before. All he could think of every day was to sit on the ground and cry, let his eyes leak the sadness from his heart. His pain is pulling the wound wider and wider, and he doesn't know how to stop. He couldn't grasp the hints and clues his brain has left for his heart, no, they're too vague. The trails to recovering is too blur, his soul can't see it just yet. 

 

It's something. Something warm, fuzzy. It feels like what he felt before. He remembers that radiating atmosphere, that moment of disbelief and belief. He could feel that memory touching him ever so lightly, as if he was only a new born baby. He closed his eyes, steching his view towards where his heart was unable tor each. The unintentional smiles, the entwined pinky fingers, the intoxicating smell of cologne-- a light slap flung towards his face as his palm slightly burned. A tear rolled down his face.

 

He finally realized. He wanted to fall in love again.

 

  The brunette rolled to the other side, frail body barely looking healthy. Arching his back, his protruding ribs and skin-wrapped backbone curled awkwardly in, as if a metal bar was forced to bend. he pulled his knees in and whispered continuously, no, no, no and no. He shook his head and told himself that he couldn’t say that. No, he’ll look desperate. He’ll look cheap. He can’t crave for love unless it comes knocking on the door by someone who craved for it. He was expected to love the single life and not cling on romance; he’ll look dirt-cheap. He can't tell the world that, all because he wants to keep his dignity and ego up above everything. He doesn’t want to be the one to beg, to ask and to wish.

 

  His mind knows very well that it's not true. He loved him before. And there are feelings worthy of coming with his love for him.

 

  Eventually, he misses him. He does. And he knows that there's nothing wrong with that. From the muted sobs to the surreal dreams of him, the brunette misses him. He denied it at first, and took the older male as a joke. He bluffed loudly that it was him that needed him, not the other way around. The younger one boasted proudly that he was free from such a stupid relationship, from such a dunce person. But in his heart, he knows very well that he left a hole for him to dig. A hole that he was unable to fill back up anymore, as they were no more significant to each other. The older male kept quiet, as he did not voice out a single word of missing towards him. That silence is hurting him even more from the arguments they ever had. The older male acted as if nothing happened between them, no memories, nothing at all. It made the younger one feel stupid, as if he was the only that was asking for his existance to stay by his side.

 

  The young man crawled up from his position, huffing small laughs of denial. Pull yourself together, look how lame you look right now. He stood up while pushing himself away from the sofa. He stumbled clumsily before his legs gave away, causing him to fall on the ground like a losing game of Jenga. A tear escaped, then another. It wasn't log before the muffled sobs were not longer hushed down anymore as he broke down. He squatted on the floor as tears trickled everywhere, wetting the loose sweater. The small palms kept on wiping as he called for his name. He doesn’t want to care anymore. He’s willing to throw his stupid pride away for as long as the older one could return the warmth he gave. He’s willing to tell the world that he was the one that was hungry for love, desperate for it, anything for him to come back to his side.

 

  He doesn’t even want to care if he was still in love or he wants love; he just wants him to be by his side.

 

  He pushed the garbage on the coffee table away, fumbling for his phone. The bags of snacks and leftover food spilled everywhere as the thin fingers sift through the glass table. He tried to feel the cold flat hope, using the blue light from the TV to help. When he finally caught hold of it, he held onto 1 before begging him to pick up. He kept on mumbling words through the sobs before a familiar voice was heard.

 

“Hello...Yixing?”

 

“亦凡，我输了。。。回来吧。。我求你。。” Yixing managed to mumble through the tears.

 

“I’m coming. Wait for me.”

 

 A tick on the clock, it was 5AM.

 

A messy knock could be heard on the door as Yixing dashed there, opening the door immediately. And there he was, a breathless Yifan with only two layers of clothes on, hair disheveled and face drunk. The tall male's body reeked of wine and his hands were trembling like crazy. The older male leaned on the doorframe in relief, knowing that he was okay. Yixing cried harder as his sleek arms wrapped around the tall male, hugging tighter than ever. Muffled "sorry"s and "I was wrong" was repeated into the taller male's chest as he croaked with his hoarse voice. Yifan was shocked at first, but then he lightly patted his head before carrying him to the sofa. He placed the younger male comfily on his lap as Yixing continued to cry in his shoulder. He kept on patting Yixing’s back, hushing him and wiping his tears. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t ask. Cause Yifan knows that he will be as lonely as the older male was;  it was just a matter of time.

 

---

 

  A tick on the clock, it was 6AM.

 

  Yixing hates his body odor.

 

  Yixing hates his awkward speech.

 

  Yixing hates how he couldn’t express well.

 

  Yixing hates how he expects him to make the first move.

 

  But, Yixing misses him, and that’s all it matters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A/N: heyaaaa guys so about mandarin thing, it says "yifan... I lost....come back.....i beg you..." why say I lost? cause 认真你就输, which means "if you take things seriously, you lose" so EHEHEHEH

anyways, thanks for reading and comment and subscribe and huehueheuheueuehuehehuehuehuehehuehuehuehuehuehueheuheuhue happy new year