“You love the sun too much” he said.

The little guy replied, “No, I love it so much.”

 

“That’s the problem. You don’t – I mean, we don’t know when so much is too much.”

 

“There’s a way to know how, though.”

 

“How?” The guy asked curiously. Kyungsoo smiled, looked into the distance and said, “You’ll only know it once you feel it.”

 

The two rose from the little swing set that gradually became their sanctuary. They barely fit in the seats and one of them was almost taller than it. Long gone were the days when the swing set looked too big – so big that it pretty much could fill in the entire space. Now, it looked small, smaller than they imagined it would be but, they still felt the same, like little children pondering, wondering about their entire existence. If only they could go back four, five, twelve, fifteen years ago, they would. However they couldn’t. Time made the swing set shrink through their vision but it still made them feel like little children.

 

As they were walking back to the streets, the little guy said, “I already felt it and when I did, I immediately knew that so much was slowly becoming too much.”

 

“How come?” Jongin asked.

 

“Because I was morphing into a different person, far from the one I’ve set for myself.” Vision always mattered for him. It always did.

 

“Difference is arbitrary.” He replied.

 

“Difference is never bad but sometimes it brings no good at all. Something stagnant, I guess. I don’t want to be stagnant, Jongin. “ He just looked at him, half confused and half interested to what the little guy was saying so Kyungsoo continued, “It brought change and change could hurt people.”

 

“Sometimes, it’s for the better.” The guy said.

“Sometimes, it for the worse.” Kyungsoo silently whispered to himself, “Because being stagnant is as difficult as being different.”

 

As they heard the honking of the cars, they waved goodbye and parted their ways. The other went straight ahead while the other turned right but both of them knew that one of them was right.

 

-

 

The next day, they saw each other at school. School is different – school makes people different. Kyungsoo studied film and photography while Jongin studied architecture; both of them were ever so fascinated in their craft but one of them, the one with a vision, hoped for more.

 

The university is too big for them to always see each other. It was too big and it made them feel small like a single daisy in its isolation among the rising heaps of grass in the meadows, like the earth light years away from the sun.

It was the occasional hi’s and hello’s that kept them going, as if one word could tie two people together, it’s as if one, two, three words could make a few strings stronger than a single rope.

 

It has no label, it has no name like flowers left undiscovered or stars left unseen. They never had to give it a name because its existence is what matters – like abstract thoughts, it existed and could be felt but what sets it apart is that it lacked a name.

 

It’s ironic how both of them were sure about everything but unsure about what they had. They had their own opinions, principles, career paths set before them but, they never had a name for it. It was the feeling that mattered; the beats their hearts would skip, the warmth rushing through their cheeks, the butterflies caged in their tummies and with that, they figured that words (names, labels) were not enough to encompass its effect.

 

Sometimes it made Jongin feel scared. It also scared Kyungsoo too.

It was a feeling too great – a feeling so great once released would explode into tiny pieces and would scatter like an airborne virus that would envelop them in danger except, this isn’t dangerous. It was something good.

 

That afternoon, they met at the train station. Kyungsoo looked like that single daisy in the meadows; from all the people that were rushing, walking fast and ready – ever so ready to go home, he stood there in his white sweater with his eyes wide open. Jongin walked closer and took his hand, intertwined it with his and kissed the little guy’s forehead. As the train came and the train doors opened, Jongin said, “Don’t this deserve a name?” But the loud talking of the people and hustling of the train overpowered the question that he never had the courage to ask until now. When they stepped in, Kyungsoo asked him, “Were you asking me something? I’m sorry I wasn’t able to hear it.”

 

Jongin wanted to ask it again. But he stopped himself because Kyungsoo continued – Kyungsoo, with his sensible thoughts that seemed to know the question by heart. The little guy, glanced at their hands then looked at him and said, “Names are for things identified. Names are for things that can be translated into words. Words – names, labels or whichever can’t capture this.” Jongin pinched the Kyungsoo’s hand and knew that even if it had no name, at least it was something they both share, something they both want and something they both love.

-

 

They knew where the train is going, they ride it every day however, they were both unsure of where this was going. If only life had a compass they would know and they would have known that other was in the south while the other was going west.

 

-

 

Weeks have passed and they were on the swing set again. They took out their polaroids, the one popped a film while the other came with a plane ticket. Kyungsoo picked it up and hastily put it back in his bag. Jongin took him by the wrist and asked, “So where are you going?” He already knew what the answer was. In fact, most of the people in school knew, he just wanted it to come from his mouth – the place where he learned of things that made him feel and things that made him think.

 

“Away” the little guy answered.

“To where?” He questioned.

“There’s this school someplace else and they’re offering me a few courses to take…”

“The sun looks better here, though.”

“But it’s already too better.”

 

Silence covered them - it was a silence they wanted to break but had no power to do so. A silence that could either be for the better or for the worse. Soon, the tall and lean guy said, “Would you take a walk with me?”

 

They walked together down the streets until the dark took over and their shadows were their only companions. Kyungsoo looked at Jongin and said monotonously, “I’m sorry.”

 

“When are you leaving?” He asked.

“After this semester.”

“You only have about a month left.”

“I know.” From all the thoughts running in his head, it was all that he could muster to say.

 

The clouds were dark and they could feel droplets of water falling on them so they went inside a coffee shop and sat next to the window. While he Kyungsoo was buying them a drink, Jongin took out his Polaroid and took a picture of himself and placed it across the table where Kyungsoo would be seated. When Kyungsoo came back, he placed the coffee down, saw the picture and smiled lightly. He sat down, brought out a marker and wrote these three words in the space below.

 

Him: too much

 

Jongin  saw it and said in a shaky tone, “Am I too much?” Kyungsoo just nodded and looked at him the way a late student would look at the bus he just missed – sad, frustrated and, full of regret.

 

The guy took a sip of his coffee and then took a shot of Kyungsoo. He picked the marker and wrote down,

 

Him: so much

 

Kyungso saw it so he removed it from the table, put it in his pocket and after finishing his coffee, he waved goodbye and took off. On his way home, he knew and understood the difference between the two. So much is good while too much is bad; so much was for the better, too much was for the worse. He whispered to himself, “Am I bad for him?” He never got an answer, all he heard was the rushing of the cars from the busy streets and his footsteps lightly losing grip from the ground. He sat on the nearest bench he saw and looked up, the rain was over and the sky was clear. Some stars were visible, he tried to count them but lost track the way he losing track of him.

 

The next day, they saw each other at school. Kyungsoo held hands with him and both of them smiled as he tiptoed to his ear and whispered, “1 month, let’s make it count shall we?” The guy bent a little so he could reach Kyungsoo’s ear too. He replied happily, “We shall.”

 

The next month was filled with bliss – witty banter, late night conversations over bottles of beer, school papers, moments at the swing set, Polaroid photos. It made it harder for him to leave – too hard, so hard.

 

The night before Kyungsoo left, Jongin placed Kyungsoo’s picture in the little guy’s backpack – the one he took the day he told him he was leaving. It was all he could give but it wasn’t a promise. Jongin didn’t go to the airport with him. He was wiser than that. He would only stop something he already knew he couldn’t. He called him that day mustering all the courage to say goodbye. It was too hard. 

 

No promises were made. No exchanging of new numbers. No online calls. Distance kept them safe – distance kept them stagnant.

 

-

 

Sometimes, Jongin would receive gifts on his birthdays, on Christmas days and on Valentine’s. He also received one on his graduation and as much as he wanted to return the favor, he didn’t know where it came from – no name, no address, just Polaroid pictures of places he’d never been to: the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, an ice skating rink, an apartment in a city, a bar, a burger place, a Chinese restaurant. All of which he kept and placed in his room next to his sketch of a house he dreams of.

 

-

 

He loved to take photos – it was his peace, his happiness, his dream. He went away to pursue this dream. He studied a special course in photography in New York while Jongin continued to study architecture in Seoul. On special days, Kyungsoo would send him gifts with Polaroid pictures in it; pictures of places he’d been to, pictures of places he remembered him (Jongin). He did not write his name on any of the things he sent because he thought that Jongin did not need to know. In fact, he didn’t need to write it anyway because he knew that the guy would always know who it came from.

 

-

 

Five years had passed. Both have already graduated and earned good jobs. He became a famous photographer while the other became an in-demand architect. Kyungsoo decided to go back and focus on his craft there. As soon as he arrived, he settled his things at his old home and went to the place where the swing set used to be but, it wasn’t there. He almost cried in frustration and anxiety as he half- screamed, “Have I been gone for so long?”

 

Jongin knew he was coming home. Their common friends mentioned it to him. Jongin – who was standing not so far away – replied with a smile on his face, “Too long.”

 

He turned around and saw him – that tall and lean guy. He looked older, wiser and better with his tan skin glowing just beneath the sun. He looked a little different but when he saw Jongin, it felt the same. It made him wonder why they did not keep in touch. As Jongin was walking towards him, he could not fathom what he missed the most – his weirdness, his randomness or the happiness he felt when he was around him. When the guy was close enough, Kyungsoo asked calmly, “Was I gone for too long?” The guy, still taller than him, kissed his forehead the same way he did before. The warmth of his lips shoot all the way through Kyungsoo’s spine and back to his cheeks.

 

 Jongin said, “So, would you still want to see the swing set?” Kyungsoo nodded without any second thoughts.

 

They went in Jongin’s car and drove a little out of the city and into a beautiful estate. It was carefully designed – the house had the perfect spot. The sun shined almost directly above it; it shined not in a way that would hurt someone’s skin or someone’s eyes, it shined in a manner that someone would happily sit under it and feel its warmth.

 

He knew how much that little guy loves the sun.

 

The house was truly a work of art with flowers blooming along its pathway. Kyungsoo went down the car and admired the view as he stretched out his hand towards the patch of sunlight in front of him. He was unsure of what made him feel warm and giddy – this guy’s presence or simply the sun?

 

The guy then said, “Come with me.” They walked together and at his backyard where Kyungsoo saw the swing set. It still looked small but it had been repainted, bringing him back to how it looked like when they were kids. There in the swing set sat a little girl whose skin looked as beautifully like that of Jongin’s. She had the same eyes the guy had. Kyungsoo felt a strong punch in the gut – a punch too strong his tears were starting to blur his vision. He held them back and tried to compose himself, Jongin approached the child and said, “Say hi to him.”  She ran towards him hugged him and greeted Kyungsoo with an enthusiastic “Hi.” He knelt down and hugged her back in reply. This time, tears were streaming down his and face and as the child parted she asked, “Appa, why is he crying?” Kyungsoo answered the little girl, “It’s because I’ve never seen a place this lovely.”

 

The little girl smiled and went inside the house. He could shrug the tears away but the thing he couldn’t shrug off was the feeling he had inside of him and the truth that was before him.

 

They sat on the swing when Kyungsoo asked, “Is she-“ Jongin stopped him  him mid-sentence.

 

“Yes she’s mine. Her mother left her to me because she said she couldn’t keep her. She looked so much like me.” He said it with a smirk.

 

“When?”

 

“When I was too drunk, too sad because when you’re sad you do things, you don’t make the wisest decisions and you end up doing something you’d eventually wish you didn’t. It was when you were too far away. But I don’t regret having her, you know.”

 

“I’m sorry.” This time, he said it with a hint of sadness.

 

“No need.” Jongin smiled then asked, “What do you think about the house?”

 

“It’s beautiful – so beautiful that the sun agreed to rise almost directly above it. It makes me feel like I could touch it.”

 

“You still love the sun so much. But it will become too much once you touch it.”

 

“Because too much always hurts?” Kyungsoo asked. Jongin smiled because this is the type of conversation he missed the most but, he did not answer. Instead, he shared

 

“I picked the best spot. I asked the village owner where the sun shines the best and he brought me here. The house isn’t much but the land – this spot – was a bit pricey and I had to save a little more but, I guess it worth it? Don’t you think?”

 

Kyungsoo looked at him with tears in his eyes, and from all the photographs he took since he first held his camera, he realized that Jongin was the only shot he missed – the one shot he didn’t take and the shot he wished he took. Jongin then said, “I hope you liked it.” Kyungsoo smiled sadly then laughed – not because the scene was full of joy but because he found it funny at how sad he has become.

 

“Why are you laughing?” Jongin asked jokingly.

 

“Look at us now. We’re sitting in the same swing set and yet we’re different persons – too different.” He replied.

 

“Too much change?”

 

“Too much.”

 

They went inside the house and sat on the couches near the window. The sun shined across Kyungsoo’s face. His face didn’t change a tad bit. He only looked a little tired. But he’s still as handsome as before. He looked at the guy who was sitting on the couch beside the small table that separated them, Kyungsoo – after years of feeling in between and being in between, after years of distance and Polaroid pictures, after years and years of uncertainty, he finally asked the guy,

 

 “I hope I’m not too late. Do you still want to give this a name?”

 

Jongin looked at him but before he could speak, the child walked into the room and sat on his father’s lap, he kissed her forehead the way he did to Kyungsoo on the day they became together, on the day he knew he was leaving and on the day he came back. K stood up and asked him where the comfort room was. Once he was inside, he looked at his reflection whispered to himself angrily, “Five years. Five ty years! Why did you do it? Why did I do it?” He left the comfort room looking a little dazed. He went back to the living room and found Jongin alone again.

 

Once he sat on the couch, Jongin spoke, “I remember when you told me that labels are only for things that could be encapsulated in words. I wondered for 5 years why we can’t put this into words – was it too big or too vague? When you left, I tried to go on. I knew the things were coming from you and I’m happy that you remembered but, I craved for the label I wanted and needed. That label could’ve made things different but we remained ever too stagnant in our unlabeled state.”

 

Kyungsoo couldn’t figure out if he was angry or sad. He said in reply, “I’m sorry – I am really sorry for being so selfish, no, too selfish.”

 

“So you asked if I wanted a name for all these?” Jongin looked at Kyungsoo the way he remembers him looking at delicately designed houses he wish he owned – hopeful yet sad. Kyungsoo nodded in agreement.

 

“Friends?” Jongin reached out his hand, the hand he once held, the hand that once protected him, the hand that would wipe his tears away but now Kyungsoo needed to wipe his own tears, he needed to protect himself from something he actually created. As he went back to Seoul with the question in his head and thoughts in his heart, it wasn’t the label that he was expecting but it was the label. If the situation was a photograph, Kyungsoo would think that something might be wrong with the film or with the angle but this isn’t some photograph he could take again to correct the angles or beautify the shot.

 

Tears were filling his eyes as he reached for his hand and said, “Friends.” Kyungsoo smiled and it hurt twice as hard as when he had to leave but this was all Jongin could offer and it was all he had to accept. Kyungsoo rose from the couch and walked towards the window, now facing the sun. This time, it did not feel warm, it felt cold - it felt sad to be too near to something you love but can’t have.

 

Jongin stood next to him and as Kyungsoo turned towards the guy, Jongin kissed him on the forehead, bent his head down and whispered to his ear,  

 

 “I loved you too much.”