When Sooyoung wakes up, she takes a few moments to breathe before she opens her eyes. Sometimes, and she doesn't know why this is, she wakes up with discomfort in her veins, a sort of uncertain stress that sends her heart pumping and racing before she has even managed to produce a reliable thought. Today is one such day. She inhales deeply and tries to relax, sure that she won't fall back to sleep. That isn't a possibility today. Instead she pictures her own bedroom behind her closed eyelids; dark brown ceiling meshing with white and grey walls and a black floor, light washing in through the windows but doing nothing to heat up the air that already feels cold against her face.

She loves this house. She has no qualms about moving here. The fact that anxiety manages to find her despite the silence, the serenity of her house, tells her that she truly needs to be here. So she stretches underneath her sheets, warm from a long night of heavy dreaming, and finally opens her eyes. The room greets her just as she imagined it, light flooding the room both through the window and the door that leads into her combined kitchen and living room, and she sighs in contentment.

The wooden floor is cold when her feet touches it moments later, but it's just another fact of life in a place where winter is really winter; screw zero degrees celsius and a little cool rain. This place offers her minus twenty five degrees at the very least for months on end and darkness for twenty hours of the day. She's used to it. She needs it. It keeps her mind off other things. Like the reason why she's here in this foreign country, as far north as she could possibly come, to begin with – and that, indeed, is a story for another day. Right now, the next step in keeping her mind occupied is plain and simple: hot coffee.

She snatches a thick, grey cardigan from the edge of her bed as she walks past it, the place where all her clothes seem to inevitably end up. She contemplates heading down to the hotel down the road and the little shop that stands right next to it for her weekly grocery shopping, and she wonders dimly how cold it is today, can it possibly wait for another day? Will she survive? And as she enters the living room, wincing a little at the brightness reflected in the snow outside, she keeps herself empty on purpose, never one to feel unless she absolutely can't help it, and when she moves to round her kitchen island she throws a quick glance out the window, freezes in her movements, and screams despite herself.

There's someone out there, in the snow, outside of her window.

She stares in disbelief at the figure outside the window, hand over her heart as the anxiety returns. She's far from civilization; in truth nobody should even be able to find her house up here – but then she recognizes the face, the long blonde locks partly hidden under a woollen hat, and she wants to laugh, because the day has finally come. Why is she even surprised?

The hot coffee her mind burned for only moments earlier becomes forgotten as she sprints over to the window next to her fireplace, and she does her best not to let a smile break out on her face, even though the girl in the distance is still grinning like she's never been happier.

Sooyoung opens the window. The girl remains standing about ten meters away. “What... the hell... are you doing here?” Sooyoung calls.

Hyoyeon takes a few steps closer without sinking through the crystal-like snow. “Oh, you know,” she says casually, “I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I'd swing by.”

Sooyoung stares. Though the sun is beaming, cold air gushes into her living room. And when she looks into the other girl's twinkling eyes, she's transported back in time, year after year passes before her eyes and before she knows it, she's the same sixteen year old girl that she was the first time she laid eyes on Hyoyeon, the first time she talked to somebody and wondered if it would be considered uncivilized to propose to a total stranger. Then she laughs, even louder so when Hyoyeon joins in.

“What the hell would bring you to my part of town?” she laughs, joining in on the horrendous amount of bullting happening between them, “Looking for bigfoot?”

Hyoyeon doubles over in laughter where she walks, and Sooyoung's eyes tear up both from laughing and something else that stings behind her eyes. “Geez, Soo, I know you're tall, but that's not a very flattering nickname,” Hyoyeon replies, now only a couple of meters away, standing right outside Sooyoung's window in the beaming sunshine.

It's been so long since they last saw each other that Sooyoung decides to let this one slide. “How did you even find me?”

Hyoyeon's grin doesn't falter. “I might have talked to Taeyeon.”

“Of course you might have,” Sooyoung nods, taking in the sight of the other girl in her black salopettes and crimson red jacket.

“I was surprised to hear you'd gone so far away,” Hyoyeon says, her smile suddenly seeming a bit strained. “You've really made yourself difficult to stalk.”

“Yeah,” Sooyoung nods. “That's sort of the point.” They fall silent, sighing in unison as they look each other up and down. The sight of Hyoyeon there in her yard makes everything seem surreal, and the way her eyes trace Sooyoung from top to toe makes her shiver slightly. She blames it on the cold. “So, do you want to come inside?”

To her surprise, Hyoyeon shakes her head. “I said I thought I'd swing by, right? And I think that if I come inside, I'll end up staying for much longer than I should.”

Sooyoung shoots her a knowing glare, one which Hyoyeon returns nervously. It makes her feel a little more in control, but she knows it's just an illusion; it always is, with Hyoyeon. “Are you sure?” she says. “It's cold out.”

“Oh, come on, it's Ibiza out here!” Hyoyeon replies, holding out her arms and facing the sun. “You know, Ibiza two weeks after the apocalypse under flourescent lights.” Sooyoung laughs again, and she realizes she had already laughed more today than she has for the past three weeks or more. “Really though, it's okay. We can talk like this, unless you want to come outside.”

Not even wanting to reply, Sooyoung climbs up on the window sill, letting her legs hang out the window. Hyoyeon nods, taking the hint, and sits down in the snow, her legs curled under her. They sit like that for a moment, smiling uneasily at each other, because there are so many things in the air here that they can never put into words. They're past the point of smalltalk, and they both know it, yet neither of them can find it in them to talk about things of importance.

“How's life?” Sooyoung asks, and grimaces at how strained her voice sounds. Hyoyeon laughs, and Sooyoung knows she understands. Much more than she should. Her eyebrows shoot up for a second just to prove the point.

"I've finally done some shows with the group," she explains patiently. "I've told you about that, right?" She frowns. "When was the last time we spoke?"

"January seventeenth last year," Sooyoung replies before she has a chance to think about it. Hyoyeon raises an eyebrow at her, chuckling slowly.

Sooyoung's face heats up, but she refuses to show her embarrassment. "I didn't expect such a precise answer, but okay," she laughs, and Sooyoung smiles in defeat. "Anyway, we've been travelling around doing shows on and off for almost a year. It's been great."

"Sounds amazing," Sooyoung says, leaning against the window frame as her back starts to ache. "And you didn't invite me to any of them?"

"I would have, but you made yourself unreachable." The pointed glare sizzles into Sooyoung's heart and echoes there, because Hyoyeon has been thinking of her when they were apart, and Sooyoung is not alone in this madness, this love she can't decline. "Oh, yeah, and I moved again. Not far, but still. I live by the movie theatre now."

"Come on," Sooyoung says, frowning. "You used to always talk about how much you hated that town, you've got to get out of there."

"I know," Hyoyeon nods. "It just hasn't happened yet. But to be fair, it wasn't so much me saying I wanted to get out of there as it was you saying you would get us both out." She looks over her shoulder, towards the treeline in the distance. "I never knew you planned on getting us to a place like this, though."

Sooyoung makes a face of acknowledgement. "Make fun all you want, I know you're already dying to go skiing."

Hyoyeon grimaces at her. "Bet you can't even pronounce the name of this town."

Another glare. "Shut up." The atmosphere warms up as they laugh. "So... your new place. Do you live alone there?" Sooyoung asks, and feels dry as she does so. It hits her suddenly, the realization that maybe the reason why Hyoyeon is here is to relay news that would be too impersonal to give over the phone.

To her relief, Hyoyeon simply scoffs at the question. "Of course. I don't exactly have people lined up at my door to ask me out. And when I do, they're usually testosteronically impaired."

Sooyoung hums at that. Something starts vibrating inside of her, a time bomb waiting to go off and allow the words to explode out of : I want you, I still need you, I would do anything for you, and she grinds her teeth. Hopefully she will be able to hold it all in for as long as possible.

"What about you?" Hyoyeon asks then, most likely sensing the change in her. "What's up with the isolation?"

Sooyoung inhales, willing herself to snap out of her misplaced anger. She shrugs, laughing a little, genuinely embarrassed. "I don't know. I just wanted to get away-- no, needed to get away."

Hyoyeon stares at her. "From?" She has no qualms about asking this, it's obvious from the look on her face, and Sooyoung doesn't want to tell her the truth.

"I guess I'm just trying to recollect myself somehow," she says instead. "Without too many distractions."

"Until I turn up just like that," Hyoyeon says, cheeky smile on her lips. "Am I distraction?"

And Sooyoung laughs awkwardly. "Oh, yeah," she manages, "you're a big one. The biggest."

"I'm sorry," Hyoyeon snickers, clearly not sorry in the slightest. "But don't worry, I won't visit again."

It's meant to be a joke, and Sooyoung knows that, but she can't bring herself to laugh. Is that what this is? A last time? Another last time in their collection of encounters that only ended up being until next times, or truly the last time? Hyoyeon stops herself mid-laugh, but she's not one to be melodramatic, so her smile doesn't falter. Instead, she starts searching through her pocket, and Sooyoung is curious until she sees a pack of cigarettes in the other girl's hand. "Do you mind if I smoke?" Hyoyeon asks, but then she brings her free hand up to her face to cover – "Don't answer that. I'm just going to smoke."

"You started again?" Sooyoung groans, and this is all too familiar; arguing about smoking, yelling at the other for sneaking off to imitate a chimney in secret, stealing her lighters, even smelling her breath to make sure she wasn't lying.

Hyoyeon places a cigarette between her lips and looks up at Sooyoung while she searches for a lighter. "Want one?" she asks, and smirks when Sooyoung's jaw drops.

"You're the worst."

"Look, I tried really hard to quit, but I keep coming back to it," Hyoyeon says, bringing up her lighter to her face and clicking it a few times. A flame rises, and she hurries to light her cigarette. She in a breath, and her eyes are locked with Sooyoung's through the smoke when it wells back out. "I'm not good with addiction." Sooyoung swallows, but says nothing. If there's anything she knows after all these years, it's that.

Hyoyeon seems to gain some confidence from smoking, because after a few moments of silence she asks: "So... I heard you got a boyfriend."

Sooyoung pulls up her legs on the window sill, angling her legs and letting her feet press against the opposite side of the window frame. "I did."

Hyoyeon's face shows nothing, except for maybe some amusement. "What was that like?"

And Sooyoung laughs, because it's as if they're discussing an alien of some kind here. "He was an English teacher. He... played the guitar a lot. It was nice."

Hyoyeon looks honestly appalled. "What a jackass."

Sooyoung laughs again, and with every second that passes, she falls back into being Hyoyeon's girl. As if she ever truly stopped. "No, he was good to me, there was nothing wrong with him at all," she says, and Hyoyeon nods despite not looking convinced in the slightest. "I just wish I could say the same for myself."

"What do you mean?"

Sooyoung sniffles, shivering from the cold. She has barely noticed it until now, too distracted by Hyoyeon's presence. "Just that it's the last time I get involved with someone while being hung up on someone else."

Hyoyeon hums. "Is that someone else also of the male species?" she asks, and Sooyoung glares at her, mostly because the other girl knows all too well who she is hung up on, though perhaps she still doesn't want to believe it.

"Stop judging me, you've had boyfriends before, too."

"Yeah, in like, what, eighth grade?" Hyoyeon snorts.

"I hope you haven't forgotten that the only reason we met to begin with was that you wanted to steal my boyfriend," Sooyoung says, making sure to rub it in as much as she can.

"Yes," Hyoyeon agrees, "in eighth grade. Please try to move past this, Soo."

They laugh, and Sooyoung holds a dramatic hand over her heart. "I don't know if I can."

"Besides, you know very well why I have a problem with the thought of you and... boys," Hyoyeon says.

Sooyoung hesitates, but her heart swells. "But that whole thing was six years ago," she states.

"Yep."

"So... what..?" They stare at each other, and Hyoyeon looks truly serious for the first time since she got there. Then it dawns on her: "Because you still think I cheated on you?" Not because you dislike the thought of me being with someone else? She thinks, but leaves unsaid. Hyoyeon looks away, but nods. And Sooyoung doesn't know how it's possible, but she's still tired of this discussion, despite not having uttered a word on it for the past three years. "But--," she stutters, "we were just friends--"

"Oh, please," Hyoyeon cuts her off, "he would have jumped your bones at any given opportunity." She's smiling, but it's sarcastic, with a strange glint in her eye that takes Sooyoung a moment to figure out. When she does, however, it's obvious – hurt.

"Maybe," Sooyoung admits. "Thankfully it takes two people to cheat." She feels insulted, just like she always has by this accusation. So, she fires back. "If you'd have stayed with me, you'd have noticed that, too."

Hyoyeon swallows heavily. "Maybe if you wouldn't have lied to me when I asked if he had feelings for you and I wouldn't have had to find out elsewhere, I could have stayed."

"And maybe if you had trusted me a little more, you could have saved us both a lot of pain," Sooyoung argues. The sunshine over Hyoyeon's shoulders doesn't seem so beautiful anymore, and she remembers it suddenly: the reason why she left. The reason why she isolated herself from both strangers and friends. "Think what you want," she says then, and it's something she has said before. "I didn't cheat on you. You were the one who gave up on us." Hyoyeon makes a face at that, but Sooyoung can't decipher it. "And when are you going to admit that there was more to it than that? The biggest reason why you broke up with me is your homophobic friends. You wanted to fit in."

"I didn't give up on us," other girl bites back. "I was scared my friends would abandon me, I didn't want to risk complete loneliness."

"Complete loneliness?" Sooyoung repeats, eyebrows raised. "You had me!"

"You were always so sad," Hyoyeon retorts. "A lot of the time it was like you weren't even there."

"Right," Sooyoung says sarcastically. She's heard this argument so many times by now that not even the absurdity of it is funny to her anymore. "So you chose to get rid of the person who cared for your the most because your dumb friends were bigots. Nice."

Hyoyeon groans in frustration, lying down flat on her back in the snow. "What's the point?" she grunts. "You only want to talk about this to throw that in my face."

"Oh no," Sooyoung says, laughing unhappily. "I don't want to talk about this at all, thank you very much."

"Then why are we?" Hyoyeon asks, sitting up and leaning on her elbows.

Sooyoung shrugs. "You're the one who came to find me, not the other way around."

Hyoyeon frowns in response. "I know that."

"So why did you?"

Hyoyeon hestitates. The anger is gone, suddenly, both from Sooyoung's mind and Hyoyeon's face. This time it's because the latter has to start truly thinking, but it always happens. They can never stay mad for too long. "I don't know," she says, leaning forward to poke the snow she's staring down into. "I just thought..."

Sooyoung waits until it becomes obvious the other girl has no way to end the sentence. "What?"

Hyoyeon shakes her head, smiling weakly. "I just wanted to see how you were."

It doesn't need to be said for Sooyoung to know that this is all just Hyoyeon's way of making sure Sooyoung hasn't forgotten her, fallen out of love with her, whatever she wants to call it. She says nothing, because as unfair as it is, Sooyoung knows she would never have moved on, even if Hyoyeon hadn't come back to haunt her.

"I... I wondered for a while if the reason you moved up here was because you met someone who lived here," Hyoyeon admits quietly. She looks up and seems to relax a little when she sees Sooyoung's soft smile. "It was kind of risky, I guess, just waltzing up here not knowing what would happen."

"Yeah," Sooyoung breathes, deciding to play along though there is a hole in her heart somewhere, a wound that will never close and that weeps memories day in and day out. "What would have you done if I lived with someone else?"

Hyoyeon laughs reluctantly. "It would have been romantic, you know? The long lost ex and the new lover fighting to the death for your affections." She smiles, but Sooyoung doesn't feel warm anymore, the cold starting to creep into every part of her body, even her mind, still heavy from sleep. "It's perfect. You could murder lots of people up here and no one would be around to notice."

Sooyoung laughs along at that. "As long as you'd stick around afterwards to clean up the blood stains."

"Of course," Hyoyeon agrees, and her smile looks darker now, too.

"Well," Sooyoung tries, opening her arms, "there's no new lover here to defeat. I'm all open for exchanging affection. So what now?"

"Now... I'm not sure what to do." Hyoyeon pulls her legs up under her to sit on her knees, and she shivers slightly. "It's harder when who I have defeat is... a part of myself."

Sooyoung stares; finally, something real. Even if it's something she already knows, at least they're getting somewhere. Hyoyeon's inability to trust anybody is still a problem, just as it was the last time they spoke, more than a year ago. Just like it was three years ago when they parted for real for the last time, and just like it was when their relationship crumbled all that time ago. Or maybe it isn't a problem, Sooyoung thinks – maybe it is just who Hyoyeon is. Perhaps they just aren't suited to be together.

But then why, why in the world are they still so head over heels in love with each other? So much so that neither of them can cope?

"God, my is frozen," Hyoyeon says then, breaking the heavy atmosphere to stand up and rub her hands up and down her backside. They laugh again, and Hyoyeon takes a few steps closer as Sooyoung jumps down from the window sill into her living room, the cold becoming too much for her.

"Look," she says then, leaning her arms over the window sill now. "You don't have to change. We should just learn how to compromise."

Hyoyeon blinks at her. "What are you saying?"

And Sooyoung changes her mind, because she doesn't want to be rejected again. "So that we won't have to fight every single time we talk."

Hyoyeon sighs, and Sooyoung knows she noted the change in her. "Maybe it was stupid of me to come here."

"Why?"

"Because every single ing time I think I'm stable enough to talk to you, it turns out I'm still right where I started," Hyoyeon bites out, eyes sharp, maybe tear-filled? "I take one look at you, listen to one word out of your mouth, and I get scared. Every single time."

"I can't understand," Sooyoung says, shaking her head.

"Oh, I know. You never could."

"I've never given you a reason not to trust me, Hyo," Sooyoung says seriously, because this is something she believes in very strongly. Never, not once, during all the years they have known each other, has Sooyoung been the one to walk away. She has been the one to receive all the punches and accept all the heartbreak, never sure if the other will return the next day.

"I know," Hyoyeon admits, "but others have. And I'm still so ing in love with you that I'm terrified of ing things up again."

Sooyoung swallows dryly. "But there's no 'us' to up anymore."

Hyoyeon nods. "That's the only way I can be sure that I won't ruin us."

There are so many things she could say, but she knows it won't help. She's said them all before, and it has only gotten them to this point. Hyoyeon doesn't trust her, and she's past the point of taking it personally.

Hyoyeon loves her, in her own dysfunctional way. And Sooyoung, well, she never stopped.

"Come here," she says.

Hyoyeon looks back at her shakily.

"Come closer."

The fear in her eyes is obvious, but she does as she's told, carefully taking the last few steps forward to stand in front of the window.

Their faces are at a similar height, but the older is still too far away. "Closer," Sooyoung mumbles, and the doubt seems to be forgotten as Hyoyeon steps in close enough for the taller to touch her. "I still think about you every single day," Sooyoung confesses in a whisper, simply because saying it out loud will hurt too much, as it always has. Hyoyeon stares back at her and the guilt can be seen clearly in her eyes; she still blames herself for everything that went wrong between them, tortures herself with the thought of how much she ended up hurting Sooyoung during their time together, but Sooyoung is not interested in that.

Instead, she puts her cold hand behind Hyoyeon's head and pulls her in, covering her cold lips with her own, happy with the way the other girl responds at once, as if she knew it was coming, as if she has been waiting for it since they first greeted each other, and things have finally fallen into place. Her scent prickles her nostrils when it mixes with the cold, but it's familiar, what she's been longing for ever since they last separated, and when was that? Three years ago? She buries her fingers in Hyoyeon's woollen hat pushes her closer, cursing the distance that stops her from leaning her body into Hyoyeon's, but it's warm enough like this, while memories catch up with her in the present and wrap around her, and she finds it hard to believe that this is really happening.

They pull apart, their faces still hovering close to each other, their warm breaths entangling. "So you really don't even have a cellphone up here?" Hyoyeon asks, her voice quivering a little. Her eyes remain on Sooyoung's lips, and she smiles slightly.

"No." Sooyoung's hand wanders down to the other girl's back.

"So what do you do all day?"

Sooyoung shrugs a little. "Watch TV. Write. Sing. Whatever I want."

Hyoyeon looks at her hesitantly for a while, as if she wants to say something, an offer, a request, and Sooyoung can see in her eyes that she doesn't want to leave, that she doesn't want to put all this distance back between them, even if they have no reason to be together when they both know it won't work. She falters, and Sooyoung won't question it, no matter how much she wants to. "Okay," Hyoyeon says. "I'm going to take off now."

It burns and tears at Sooyoung's heart, but she has no right to ask for anything. Hyoyeon isn't hers, and she can't make it so, no matter how much she wants to. She has already tried. She can't save the two of them alone, and Hyoyeon is still too scared. "Okay," Sooyoung agrees, pulling back a little to allow some space between them. She's cold now, she can barely feel her fingers and she can't wait to close the window and crawl in under a blanket.

"I'll be back, okay?" Hyoyeon says, and Sooyoung doesn't doubt it in the slightest. Even considering the possibility that Hyoyeon would never return makes her too scared. "So don't... don't forget."

She wants to say a lot more, Sooyoung is sure, but that will have to be enough. Hyoyeon will be in so much agony for months to come because of this, because of her own inability to work through her issues, and it pains her that she won't be able to be by her side to help her through it. "I promise," Sooyoung replies carefully, because she doesn't have a say in the matter anyway. It's a done deal.

"Good," Hyoyeon says, and then she backs up a few steps, enough so that Sooyoung can't reach her anymore. "I really wish you'd keep your promise and get me out of that piece of town someday."

Sooyoung laughs. "Let me know when you're packed up and ready to go."

"How?" Hyoyeon says as she moves over Sooyoung's snow-covered lawn towards the unpaved road. "Using smoke signals?"

Choking a little, Sooyoung calls after her: "Just scream as loud as you can, and I'll come pick you up, alright?"

"As long as you make it romantic," Hyoyeon calls back.

"I'll take my white horse and a sword, in case there are any new lovers to fight off." Sooyoung watches the other girl's retreating back with a smile, until the blonde stops, turns around, and shakes her head. She lingers for a moment, taking in the sight of Sooyoung's house, before she turns around again, skipping over the ditch to land on the road. Before they know it, she has disappeared behind the tree line, and Sooyoung listens to the distant sound of her footfalls on the gravel mixing with the chirping of birds. When Hyoyeon is gone, everything is silent, as if she has never been there, and there are no footprints in the crust to tell about her visit, Sooyoung closes the window. She remains there for half a minute, staring and hoping and praying that maybe, maybe the girl will have an epiphany right there on the road and come running back to put a frozen crystal on her finger, but the scene remains still. So she sinks down on the couch to her right, shivering with cold, but not having the energy to pick up a blanket just yet.

It isn't that she's in love with Hyoyeon anymore. It is more like a permanent personality trait, that Sooyoung loves Hyoyeon, and that's just the way it is. It doesn't matter how long it will take until they can speak again, she will still feel weak in the knees, like there is no other option for her than to be with Hyoyeon.

She stares at the empty spot beside her on the couch. Someday, she thinks. Someday.