The snow fell lightly on the streets of Seoul as Yixing walked along the paved sidewalk. The frozen crystals melted the minute they landed on the fabric of the young man’s beanie and thick jacket. It was absolutely beautiful outside, but Yixing didn’t feel a single thing for the sight. This was the first year he would be alone for the holidays for his adult life. A simple dance instructor, the young Chinese man didn’t have the funds to send himself home for the holidays so he was stuck in a foreign country alone. Sure, he had friends around that would be more than happy to invite him along with their plans, but that didn’t feel right. He should be used to being alone by now. It had been a year already since his favorite form of company had left him in his dust, never to be seen or heard from again.

Last Christmas, Yixing was perfectly content with his life. He had a cozy apartment, several interviews lined up at top music schools, hoping to make it into their programs and live his dream as a professional dancer, and the most caring boyfriend he could hope for beside him through it all. His life was all around great. He had no idea how easily things could crumble.

The couple sat across from each other in the living room of the small apartment they shared. Yixing clutched his hands together tightly, hoping it would stall the shaking that threatened to take over his entire body as he stared at the male in front of him.

“I don’t get it. You’re moving?” he asked after a moment’s hesitation. Yixing was beyond confused about this entire ordeal, and his lover wasn’t making things any better.

“I got a job offer in the States. They want me to move there right away and start.” The other explained, scratching the back of his neck in a nervous habit. He had no idea how much that small gesture affected Yixing.

Yixing sputtered for a suitable response. “That’s great. I’m so happy for you. But,” he struggled to find the words to ask. “what about us?” finally came out.

The other sighed, running a hand through his already disheveled hair. “Xing, you know I care about you deeply. But I don’t think this relationship is going to work out long distance.” And that was what broke Yixing’s heart.

And so, Yixing spent his holiday last year crying over a relationship that seemed more and more to be one sided. Everything crumbled after that. With his mind clouded by the loss of his lover, the interviews fell through, and, with no job, lost his apartment. If it weren’t for his best friend Jongdae offering to let him room with him at his rather spacious apartment, Yixing would have become homeless. That was where the male was heading right now.

When he opened the door to the apartment,  the smell of dinner cooking on the stove welcomed him and also told him that Jongdae’s boyfriend. Minseok, was here. To prove his thought, the small male poked his head out from around the doorway, a bright smile gracing his round face. “Hey, Xing. Dinner’s almost ready, then we’re gonna open presents. Is that okay with you?” He asked, batting his big eyes at the younger. Yixing simply gave a nod and a tired smile as he made his way to his room to change out of his snow covered clothing.

It felt nice to have Jongdae and Minseok around during this difficult time, even though tomorrow they would be leaving in a mad dash to make it to both of their families’ houses for Christmas festivities. At least he wouldn’t have anyone coming to bother him or ask him how he was holding up, Yixing thought as he slid his jeans and long sleeved shirt off in favor of a pair of sweatpants and a wife beater. He pulled on his favorite purple jacket and a new pair of socks before he walked out of his bedroom, hearing Minseok call out that dinner was ready.

The three that resided in the apartment gathered around the dining table for the food Minseok graciously prepared and, without any words, began eating. Jongdae knew that this was a hard time for his best friend, after all, before the break up he and his boyfriend were together for two years before his departure. So, he made sure to never bring him up around Yixing to make sure he wouldn’t get too down. Not again.

When Yixing was first left alone, he regressed into himself. He stopped answering phone calls or texts. He wouldn’t even open the door to his apartment for anyone. When Jongdae finally got the landlord to open the door for him, what he saw shook him to the core. Yixing was curled up on his couch, staring at the television screen even though nothing was playing on it. The prickles that were evident on his pale face and lifelessness to his hair gave away the fact that he hadn’t been taking care of himself and lack of food in the fridge revealed that he hadn’t been eating either. His eyes were red and puffy, a glaze over them that told that he was lost in thought. After shooing away the landlord, Jongdae tried his best to pry out of Yixing what had happened. All he got was the broken boy sobbing in his arms, repeating over and over the same two words; “he’s gone.”

Feeling pity for his dear friend, Jongdae opened up his arms and his apartment in an attempt to help fix Yixing. Slowly, he helped him out of his shell once more, even though he never was the same. Jongdae cleaned up Yixing, got him to start eating again, even helped him get a job as a dance instructor at a studio near their complex. On the outside, Yixing looked as if nothing ever happened. But, looks can be deceiving.

On the inside, he was still a wreck. He needed sleeping pills to get to sleep, and even then nightmares clouded his unbreakable slumber. There were days where he would have to call in sick for work and he spent that day sitting on the couch, staring at nothing until Jongdae or Minseok would come home and coax him to eat something or take a shower. He would see something that reminded him of what he lost and would break out into body wracking sobs and hyperventilation so bad that no one could break him out of it and he had to come down on his own.

Now, a year later, and he was finally beginning to feel better. He didn’t break out into random sobs anymore when he smelled his old cologne or see a shirt he owned, he rarely called in just so he could stay at home and be alone with his thoughts, he was even weaning himself off of the sleeping pills. But, all of that changed in a single moment.

“Oh! Yixing,” Minseok began as he picked up the stack of mail that lay on the table beside him. “I forgot to tell you, you got a letter today.” He handed over the envelope, not realizing whom it was from or the effect it would have on the younger.

Yixing opened up the envelope, thinking maybe it would be a Christmas card or something, though he didn’t recognize the address on the front. He opened the letter encased by the envelope and after reading the way the writer addressed him as “My Yixing,” he knew who wrote it. His hands began shaking as his once buried emotions and memories flooded back through his mind. Every happy moment, every little fight, every kiss and every touch came colliding together against his senses. He felt tears flood his eyes as he dropped the letter, watching as it floated down to the linoleum floor between his feet.

As his tears began falling, Jongdae grabbed the letter from the ground and read it over, his face paling slightly and his eyebrows shooting up in shock. His always teasing face held a serious expression as he folded up the paper and stuck it in his back pocket. Slowly, he stood and walked over to Yixing, grasping his wrists lightly that still hung in the air in the position they were in as he read the letter. “Xing, it’s okay.” He said softly. “You need to breathe for me.”

Minseok was at a loss as he watched the pair before him, Yixing a shaking mess and Jongdae actually serious. Though Minseok had been told when he and Jongdae began seeing each other seriously that Yixing had some problems revolving around an ex lover, he wasn’t give any further details, let alone a name to look out for. Now his dear friend was a panicky mess due to the fact that he handed him the letter.

Jongdae turned his attention briefly to his boyfriend and gave a small, reassuring smile. “Minseok-ah, would you mind clearing up the table? I’m gonna take Xing to his room so he can calm down.” He said politely before rising to his feet. Lightly, he pulled Yixing to a standing position and led him out of the room and down the hallway where his bedroom was located. Once in the neat, plain room, Jongdae sat Yixing on the bed and walked out, returning moments later with a wet washcloth. After living with the older for a year, he knew what calmed down Yixing in his panic attacks. Jongdae removed Yixing’s jacket and lightly began patting his arms and neck down with the damp cloth, cooling down the burning skin as a result of his panic. He breathed in and out louder than he normally would to give him something to follow in his attempt to calm himself down. It seemed to be working. The once tense muscles beneath Yixing’s skin slowly relaxed, his breathing slowed down to regular and his body stopped shaking.

A pair of red, still teary eyes met Jongdae’s pleading with him. “What does he want?” He asked in a raspy voice. Jongdae sighed and ran a hand through his dark locks. “He wants to see you. To talk or something. If you want, I can get a hold of him and tell him to off.” He said rather bluntly. Ever since he saw the awful state Yixing was left in, he had become very protective over him.

Yixing looked down at his hands silently, watching his thin fingers as they intertwined with each other and let go over and over again. He didn’t know what he wanted. Part of him wanted to meet up, part of him wanted to say yes to Jongdae’s offer, another part wanted to crawl into his bed and never wake up. He was confused and, to most people, overreacting, but he didn’t care about that. They had no idea what he felt  when he was left behind; how much it hurt when he heard that he wasn’t wanted anymore by someone he loved deeply. After much deliberation in his own mind, Yixing just shook his head. “Don’t even respond to him. It’s not worth the hassle.” He answered finally.

“Well, do you want us to cancel our plans for tomorrow? We can just stay here and have Christmas with you. It’s no trouble, really.” Jongdae offered to help his broken friend with this difficult time.

Yixing shook his head. “No, you and Minseok go. I’ll be fine here by myself. Honest.” He gave a ghost of a smile to his best friend, then pat his shoulder. “I’m gonna get some sleep. You and Min go ahead and open presents. I’ll just do mine tomorrow.” With that said, Jongdae gave him a final once over before leaving the bedroom to finish the night with his boyfriend. Yixing didn’t bother with a shower or cleaning up in the slightest. After struggling to get under the covers, he turned off his lamp and shut his eyes, letting a thankfully dreamless sleep overtake him.

~*~

Jongdae and Minseok left early in the morning for their families’ homes, letting Yixing sleep in until noon. After stretching his aching muscles and a warm shower, Yixing was sat in front of the television in his favorite jeans and fluffy sweater. He was determined to have a good day, even completely alone until Minseok and Jongdae came home late tomorrow. He hadn’t really thought about what he would be doing, maybe go to a café he knew would be opened today and grab some coffee, open up his presents, get a little tipsy before bed. It sounded like a nice day to him, but luck never seemed to be in his favor.

After opening up the few presents he had gotten from his roommates and those that were mailed from his family in China, he was about to go out and pick up some dinner around seven when a knock on the door startled him. Setting his jacket on the couch carefully, he made his way to the door and opened it up for his visitor, though he instantly regretted it.

The sight before him was one he thought he would never see again. In a year’s time, very little had changed about the man before him. Same chiseled jaw, same strong nose and small lips, same beautiful pale complexion. His once blonde hair was now a deep brown and his eyes that once held a happy glimmer now seemed like the light had been blown out. But he was still just as striking as when they had first met years ago.

“Yifan, what are you doing here? How did you even find me?” Yixing asked the man who stood on the other side of the threshold.

Said male looked directly at the shorter after he spoke, noticing the shake in his voice as he spoke his name, almost as if he were unsure. “When I came back, I went to our old place. The landlord told me you moved. Since he remembered me, he gave me your forwarding address. That’s how I got the letter to you. Did you read it?” His voice sounded slightly hopeful at the end, Yixing almost felt bad when he knew he would have to crush that hope.

“Not after I saw how you wrote my name. Jongdae took it and read it for me while I was trying to calm down.” Yixing was surprised at how calm he was talking to Yifan after such a long time of cringing at every miniscule thing that reminded him of the older man. When he got a questioning look from Yifan, Yixing sighed and shook his head. “After you left I got diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.” The words almost hurt as they rolled off his tongue. He had a hard enough time talking about his condition, let alone telling the person who caused it that he was to blame.

“Xing-ah, I did this to you?” He asked in a very soft voice, his left hand reaching out to caress his cheek before Yixing flinched away. That seemed to answer his question. “Please, can I come in? I really want to talk to you.” Yifan pleaded, his face looking utterly defeated.

As much as the younger didn’t want to let him in, wanted to slam the door in his face just for the satisfaction. But, no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t bring himself to. Instead, he sighed and moved aside to let Yifan in. The older graciously took the offer and walked into the apartment, slipping his shoes off at the doorway before Yixing could change his mind and kick him out.

As Yifan made his way to the couch, Yixing went towards the kitchen. When he returned, a bottle of soju was in his hands, the top already taken off. Yifan looked at him questioningly, but the latter just shrugged. “If we’re gonna talk, I’m gonna need some of this.” He said, following his words with a long sip straight from the bottle.

“I never remembered you as much of a drinker.” Yifan said honestly as his ex boyfriend took a seat beside him on the couch, careful to keep enough space away from him. Yixing looked at him with a slight look of disdain. “Yeah, well, a lot can change in a year.” He said bluntly, watching as Yifan flinched ever so slightly at the harshness in Yixing’s voice.

“I guess so.” He said softly, then took a deep breath as he collected his thoughts. “First of all I’d like to apologize for how I acted a year ago when I left.” Yixing took another sip as Yifan kept talking. “I should have never broken up with you, especially not in that way.”

Another sip.

“The truth is, I was scared. You were my first really serious relationship. Things were getting serious for us and I didn’t know how to handle it. I thought you should be with someone who was on the same level as you were at the time, so I took the job offer without telling you until I had to leave.”

And another.

“And when I left and I moved away from you, I couldn’t handle it. I missed you so much, Xing. I was so stupid and childish to just leave you like that. I thought about you constantly every single day, wondering how you were doing, wondering where you were, hoping you were okay, wishing you would take me back, hoping you still loved me as much as I loved you.”

By that point, the light weighted Yixing was feeling the buzz after downing almost half of the unopened bottle he had brought in with him. In his inebriated state, already angered by Yifan’s appearance on the day they had broken up a year earlier, telling him that he still loved him triggered something deep within Yixing’s mind and heart. Without a second thought, Yixing brought his hand up and slapped Yifan hard across the cheek, a look of pure anger flashing across his usually calm features.

“How dare you say that you still love me.” He said indignantly. “You left me, Yifan. You left me. Don’t you remember? Because I sure do.” Yixing sat the bottle down on the coffee table beside the pair and stood up, staring straight down at the still in shock man seated on the sofa. “I remember that when you said we wouldn’t ever work out long distance it felt just like that slap I just gave you. I remember that while you packed up your things from our apartment, it felt like you were ripping out all of the memories we shared to take with you. I remember the days I sat on the couch, staring into space because being lost to the world was better than feeling anything. I remember Jongdae finding me after two weeks, two ing weeks sitting alone in our home sobbing about someone that didn’t want me anymore. I remember all the nightmares and panic attacks I dealt with because of you, all the sad and worried looks my best friend and his boyfriend gave me on days they would find me sitting on their couch, not even coherent enough to give them an answer. But now that you’re back and you say that you loved me all this time, I’m supposed to forgive you and take you back and I can’t do that to myself again. How do I know that this isn’t going to end the exact same way that it did last time?” Yixing asked, his breathing heavy after talking much more than he usually ever would in one sitting.

After a long moment of silence other than the deep breaths emitted by Yixing, Yifan stood and spoke once more. “I am so sorry that I put you through all of that. I never meant for you to hurt this much, Yixing-ah, I swear. I know I messed up and I know you shouldn’t forgive me, but I’ve changed, really. I love you so much, with all of my heart and I need you back in my life. I resigned from my job in the States to take the one I had back here for you. I can’t get you out of my mind. No matter how much I tried to tell myself that you were better off without me, I just can’t stay away.” Hesitantly, Yifan reached out and lightly took Yixing’s wrists into his grasp, pulling him closer to him and, to his surprise, Yixing let him.

Now towering over the much shorter, Yifan looked down at the slightly reddened face and reached out, running his finger tips over the warm skin he had missed so much. “I learned my lesson.” He said in a soft baritone. “I never want to be without you again. You’re my everything, please give me another chance.” The last sentiment came out as a plead rather than a request, weighing down Yixing’s heart.

Tearing his eyes away from where he had focused on Yifan’s broad chest, Yixing looked up at the taller’s face. The pained yet somehow still hopeful look that captured Yifan’s gaze bore into Yixing as if it alone were willing him to take Yifan back. Yixing felt tears prick at his waterline, causing him to blink fiercely as he tried his best to remain looking at his once lover. “You really broke me, Yifan.” He said in a brittle voice.

Yifan nibbled on his lower lip before responding. “Then let me fix you.” He said before closing the space between them, their lips attaching instantly.

Yixing didn’t know why he let this happen. He had told himself he would never fall back into this. But the feeling of Yifan’s lips gently trying to coax his own into moving along with his felt so right, so comfortable and familiar. So, with little hesitation, Yixing gave in to the kiss and let himself forget all of the hurt he had gone through in that year his love was gone.

Their lips glided in sync with each other as if they had never been separated. Yifan released his hold on the shorter’s wrists in favor of grasping his hips, effectively earning a shiver from Yixing as he was pulled flush against Yifan’s body. Nimble fingers threaded through deep brown hair as Yifan’s tongue ran across Yixing’s bottom lip, followed by teeth reaching and nibbling on the plump flesh. At the soft sound of a gasp, Yifan took his chance to slide his tongue between Yixing’s parted lips and into the warmth that was his mouth. A moan came from deep within Yixing’s throat as Yifan explored the once familiar cavern as if it were new territory, his hands sliding up and down his sides. When he ran down exposed skin Yixing’s sweater no longer covered because of the movement, a content sigh would leave the younger.

When the need for breath became dizzying, the two separated finally. The entire ordeal was completely sobering for Yixing. He stared up at Yifan and felt so wrong for what he had just done. He shouldn’t let Yifan back in, it wasn’t right. After dealing with so much in that year he was gone, he had come too far in his recovery to let him back in and ruin all of his progress.

Yixing looked Yifan right in the eye, trying to ignore the almost happy look on his flushed face when he said, “I think you should leave.”

That single sentence brought Yifan’s face and hope down instantly. “W-what did you say?” He stuttered out, unable to understand.

Yixing took a deep breath to steady himself. “I said, I think you should leave. I can’t do this Yifan. Not again. You say that you’ve changed and you’re not going to leave again, but I don’t think I can trust that. Please, don’t make this any harder than it already is.” The younger could no longer look at Yifan as he disentangled himself from the tall male before him, wanting to get away before he could change his mind.

Yifan, looking shocked and completely broken, watching as Yixing walked away from him and towards the door. The threshold was opened as a demand more than an invitation for Yifan to take his exit, so he did. He trudged towards the door silently, his broad shoulders slumping slightly in defeat as he slid his shoes back on and turned to look at Yixing one more time. “I’m not giving up on you, Xing. Just remember that.” He said, leaning in and giving the latter’s cheek a soft peck before he took his leave.

Once the door was shut, Yixing slowly slid down it until his hit the cold floor beneath him. Once again, he was alone and crying on Christmas.