Dear Kyungsoo,

                   Let me start this by saying that I love you. I still love you, I always loved you, and, to be completely honest, I think that I will always love you. I think it’s important to put that out there before everything else. Because I can’t be too sure how much of this you will actually read. By this point, even, you probably already know the letter is from me and have burned it on the stove. Please don’t do that. It’s very dangerous.  I will be very upset if you end up setting yourself on fire because of a suggestion I made. Please take care of yourself because I love you. Not that you should take care of yourself for my sake, just that I wish you would take care if yourself because

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a letter, I’m sorry if I start to ramble or get messy. I’m just trying to get all my thoughts down before they disappear. Nobody really writes letters anymore. And you technically don’t have to put your name on a letter. And since you’ve been ignoring all my calls, emails, facebook messages, kakaotalk’s, I thought maybe a letter would have you curious enough to open it. Maybe you won’t finish it once you know it’s me, but the first few lines are what’s really important. As long as you know that. That I love you. So much, darling, I love you so, so, so, much. I know I never called you darling before, but something about writing my feelings for you makes me want to be a little fancy. I wish I was like Shakespeare and could write poems and sonnets. But you know I’m not the best at talking. I guess I’m not much better on paper. But I’m trying, Soo. I’m really trying.

Do you remember that one time you hurt your ankle falling at work? It was maybe two months after we started dating. You fell off the ladder at the library and I went to pick you up. I carried you all the way back to your apartment. You kept asking if you were heavy and I kept saying ‘No, not at all’. That was the first lie I ever told you. Actually, you were really ing heavy. I was a little surprised because you’re so tiny, how could you weigh so much? But it’s all in your and thighs, baby, you’ve got some meat down

I wasn’t trying to deceive you or anything, baby. I just wanted you to feel good. At the beginning that’s all it ever was, Soo, really. Just little white lies for the sake of seeing you smile. How I liked that god awful brown sweater you always wore, that your kimchii ice cream was a total success, that I want to hang out with your brother again. I’m sure your brother is a great guy, Soo, but I never want to spend another second of my life talking baseball with him.

I don’t know when it was that these little lies got so out of hand. Even when I didn’t have to lie, I did. If I was hungry, where I was going, who I was with, what I was doing. Suddenly everything was a lie, and they weren’t so little anymore. I don’t know why, baby. But suddenly I couldn’t even tell you the truth. I remember there would be times when you would call me and ask if I had done something, or if I was with someone and I’d immediately lie about it. And then I’d wonder, why’d I do that? Why didn’t I just tell him the truth? Like when you called that one time to ask if I had fixed the sink yet and I just said I did. And as soon as I said it I thought, ‘why didn’t you just say no? It’s not like he would be angry, he’d just tell you to get it done soon. Why can’t you just tell him the truth?’.

I’ve been seeing a therapist. Joonmyun hyung said it might be helpful and it really has been. He said a lot of things and at first it just made me angry. But I think it really makes sense now. He said that maybe I was lying to hide my failure from you. Not that I was actually failing or anything, but he said that maybe I felt that way. Maybe I was trying to subconsciously make up for things I thought I was lacking in the relationship. I think he’s right. I’m always I was always scared that you’d leave me. It was always a little fear in the back of my head whenever I did something wrong. Like maybe if I said something you didn’t want to hear you’d be disappointed and leave me. So I just started saying what I thought you wanted to hear. And it turned me into a liar; into someone you couldn’t trust anymore. There’s irony here somewhere, right? You’re smart about those things so I’m sure you

I think it’s good that you left, Soo. Because you’re right, what we had was unhealthy. I couldn’t be honest with you and you didn’t trust me. And I didn’t trust you either. I couldn’t trust that your feelings for me were real. And I think you knew that and it really hurt you, right? I didn’t mean to hurt you, baby. I never, ever, Soo, I ing never meant for you to be unhappy. Ever, ever, Kyungsoo. But you were, and you left me.

Are you happier now? If you’re happier now, Soo, than I’m really happy. I’m so happy that you’re happy. That’s all I could ever ask for, that you be happy in your life. Even if that means you’re not sharing it with me. But I just wanted to write you this letter, Soo, and let you know that I’m better. That I’ve really been working hard and I’ve really changed. Not just for your sake but also for mine. And if you want to come back, Kyungsoo, if you could give me another chance, I could show you. If you’re happy, baby, then it’s okay and you can forget about me and just burn this letter (in a safe way, Soo, please don’t let me see you on the news tomorrow). But if you ever miss me, if you ever think of me, just know that there is not a moment in my life, not a single second that goes by that I don’t wish you were here. Not a moment where I don’t remember the smell of your shampoo, the shape of your body molded into my arms, the warmth of your palm against my face. Baby, I miss every little thing about you, and I understand why you left and I think it was good that you did. But I’m ready to try again, Kyungsoo, I’m ready to be a good man, the right man for you. And if you can find it in your heart to try again with me, baby, I promise it’ll be different this time. And we see it all the time in the trashy movies and we’ve heard that society says it never is, but Kyungsoo. I promise things will be I promise I will be different. I don’t know how to make it sound anymore sincere.

We can take it slow. I’ll take you out on dates again, pick you up from work and walk you home. Carry you home, if you want, and tell you that you’re actually a ing cow. But it’s okay, I don’t mind the weight. And that’s not a lie, baby. I’d carry you around the world until my knees dragged through the mud, and I’d do it with a smile, if you gave me another chance.

I love you, Kyungsoo. And that is the most sincere truth I can give you. My number hasn’t changed. Neither has my address if, I don’t know, you want to write me a letter or something. I hope I hear back from you. But I’ll understand if I don’t.

I love you.

Still yours if you want me

Still yours forever,

Jongin