"This is the last time... farewell"

I wiped my tears as I close the book that I'm reading, I can't stop crying cause everytime I read stories like this its like the pain that the main character felt, I feel too. 

I really don't like love stories with Tragic ending, they say it's realitistic but for me its cruel. Why would a love story end with a tragic ending when in the first place love holds the two characters? I know I'm being denial or delusional but. . . . 

is love really not that strong or enough for people to have a happy ending?

"Why bother reading that when you can't even contain your damn tears. Wipe it now and lets go." a voice said. wiping my tears I look up and saw my boyfriend standing infront of me.

"Oh? Sorry I got carried away with what I'm reading." I smilingly said and he just blankly looked at me. Maybe he's just tired and wanted to go home already.

"Hurry up, we need to catch up the bus.." he said and walked away.

Following him from behind,  "Han bin-ah! Are you hungry? do you want to eat? I can cook for you..." I said sweetly and cling on to his shoulder...which he removed.

I can't understand

"I'm tired, okay? So just walk quickly so we can go home early" he coldly said and walk quicker than awhile ago.

I stopped and just watch him walk. Taking a deep sigh trying to fight the tears that about to fall. He's being cold again

This is the 2nd week of him being cold and distance. This is not the first time he is rushing to go home to their dorm, saying he's tired. I can understand him because this is a crucial month for them, and they need to work really hard to debut. I support him with his dreams but I'm just not used to him being cold to me. I know he is tired, stressed and pressured from practicing early in the morning and finishing late at night.

You're thinking nonsense Kang Jin Ah... shaking my head, I run towards him and walk beside him.

I love him so much and i know he needs me more than ever and I need to understand him.

reaching the bus stop we quietly wait for the bus to arrive and he just sats down at the bench.

its already 10:30pm and the bus will arrive 5 minutes from now... I'm hungry but he just want to go home, oh yeah I remember I bought two sandwiches at the cafe earlier before going to their company. Dumb me, how can i forget that.

searching my bag, I sat down beside him "Hanbin-ah! Here i bought sandwhiches awhile ago" offering it to him.

"you eat it I'm not hungry, oh let's go the bus is here.." he stood up.

Again I'm bafled... 

While we were walking home we just remained quiet, I'm done talking.

I've been telling him about my day like the usual but he just remain passive and uninterested unlike before. 

When we arrived in front of my house he just bidded good bye and I was about to kiss his cheek like the usual but suddenly we heard his phone ringing. Walking a few step away from me he answered.

A smile, 

I wanted to cry right then, Because for damn 2 weeks it appeard on his face again.

"I'm going in." I said as I noticed that phone call will take long.

I turn my back and went inside.

Finally letting the tears that wanted to come out of my eyes, I sat carelessly at the floor.

What's happening? I can't really understand him, Is this our end? It seems like our story will end in a way that I really hate, how ironic can life be? 

I can see our end but please..

baby, Don't let go..

------------------------------------------------------

The next morning is a Sunday and during sundays Hanbin got the day off and we usually waste it going to the mall or just strolling around the park or visiting his little sister, hanbyul and his family at their home.

To: binnie

Baby, Are we going out today?

-Jinah

I just hope he'll reply.

but then seconds turned to minutes and minutes to hours and more. He did not text back.

I don't want to think about it so I just went out and decided to visit the library today. Alone.

-----------------------------------------------------

"Love is not always about those blissful feelings,

love doesn't always concentrate to those foot fleeting emotions,

Sometimes you need to feel pain to realize if it's really love or not"

I'm thinking nonsense again, aggh. "JinAh quit it okay?" i muttered to myself while hitting my head continuously.

As I close my eyes suddenly.... "Kang Jin Ah ssi?" a man's voice softly said. I opened my eyes and saw Hanbin's groupmate and my senior Yang Hong Seok.

"Sunbae!" (senior) I exclaimed as I stood up.

"shh!" the librarian said.

"I'm sorry"

I look at him again and saw him laughing.

"Yah! its been awhile since I last saw you? How come you don't visit us at the practice room lately?" he curiously ask.

"Ah, been busy with school works but I sometimes visit the company at night when hanbin finish early." I smiled.

"Oh is that so?"

"Oh, Sunbae. Have you happen to know where Hanbin is right now? is he at the dorm? Do you have any schedules or practice today?" I eagerly ask.

"Huh? didn't he let you know, he is at the stusdio right now, they'e practicing again their contest piece with Hayi." he confusedly said.

"Oh. He did not.." He did not told me, he will be working with his first love.

"Huh really? Well Jinah, I love to have a chat with you right now but I really need to go now, I have to go to our practice as well. So see you around.." he said as he bids goodbye.

I remain at my seat and just stared at nothing. 

I can feel tears escaping my eyes but now I didn't bother to wipe it them all dry.

What if the reason of his coldness was her?

What if that smile last night was because of her?

What if their back again but he said before he loves me?

But then what if now he does not love me anymore?

"You can't stop thinking what ifs and what should have been if you don't do anything or not even bother askim him." A familiar voice, looking around I saw Hongseok sunbae again.

"Sunbae, why are you still here? I thought---"

"I saw you looking like this when I looked back."

"You should really need to talk to him, Jinah. . . Jumping to conclusions will not help you resolve and clear up things." He said and finally walks away.

Sunbae is right.

Making my decision I texted, hanbin.

To: binnie

Let's meet, I want to talk to you about something important.

Not even a minute had passed I recieved a message from him.

Fr: binnie

Me too.

Even here I can feel his coldness...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leaves rustling,

Wind blowing,

Kids running around...

That's all you can hear and nothing else we've been here for about half an hour now but no one bother to say a word.

When i decided to finally talk. "Why didn't you even tell me?" 

"Tell you what?" he asked back

"That you're working with Hayi?"

"Why? Why do you need to know, Its not a big deal! Don't make a fuss about it." He exclaimed. not a big deal?

"IT IS IMPORTANT FOR ME! She is your first love and your working with her, I would not give it a meaning if you have just told me, but no YOU DID NOT! What do you think will I feel?" I shouted back, I can feel tears escaping my eyes and I'm tired.

"I WAS BUSY OKAY! AND EVERYTIME WE MEET I'M EXHAUSTED!"

"BUSY? TIRED? You think you're the only one who's damn busy and tired... I'm busy too with my school works but I'm more damn busy thinking of the reason why you are so distant with me now.... and I'm tired too... why are you so cruel? why are so selfish? you are so unfair?" I said and cry my eyes out.

He remained silent and I saw him hanging his head down.

"You are so unfair, all you think about is yourself.. I always try my best to understand you han bin-ah, I always remind myself, Everything is okay. You are just busy because this is so important to you. This is your dream you're working hard for, I am your fan right? I will always support you but Han bin ah I get tired too haven't that crossed your mind?"

Again he remained silent and just kepp his head low. . .

Minutes had passed and yet I'm still sobbing

When.....

"Han bin-ah.. I'm sorry, I think I will break my promise......."

"I will no longer go to your debut stage... because I think we should just end this." I said and walked away, I was walking slowly cause I am waiting, waiting for him to protest or to hold me back, but nothing happened...

I guess it's mutual..... We both let go.